Cook Islands Fallen Comrades

COOK ISLANDS FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza

[We open with an overhead shot of Tribal Council. Dramatic music plays. We then cut to the interior of the set, where the final four Tribal Council is about to take place.]

Jeff: Welcome guys. Please take a seat.

[The final four players walk in from the left, one at a time, and sit down in their assigned seats.]

[Yul walks in first. A tall, handsome Asian man, Yul is wearing the "hidden" immunity idol prominently around his neck. He is also wearing a shirt that says "I have the hidden immunity idol."]

[Ozzy walks in second. A short, scruffy Hispanic man, Ozzy enters the set by doing a triple handspring, followed by an inverted moonsault. He then flings himself thirty feet into the air, hovers for five seconds like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix, then floats gently down to make a picture-perfect landing in his seat. He also manages to catch three fish as he is doing this.]

Yul [under his breath]: Showoff.

[Becky is the next to walk in. She is Asian, and nobody cares about her. The cameraman doesn't actually pan to her at any point during this scene. Nor does she actually talk.]

[Sundra is the last player to walk in. She is black, or so we've been told. We're not exactly sure, because, like Becky, the cameraman never actually pans to her. We continue to focus on Ozzy and Yul instead.]

Jeff [nodding]: Okay, since the four of you are now here, we can officially bring in our jury. And, as always, remember that we have an expanded jury this season. So please hang on for a few minutes while all the jurors take their respective seats.

[With that, the members of the expanded jury enter the set. Candice comes first, followed by Parvati. Then Jonathan. Then Adam. Then Nate. Pretty soon, the entire cast from Survivor: Cook Islands has arrived on the set. And yes, that includes Sekou (the first boot) too. Every single one of them is a jury member, and they all sit in the jury box in their assigned seats. Billy, sitting next to Candice, discretely tries to peer down her shirt.]

Ozzy: I still can't believe we have a sixteen member jury this season.

Jeff [incredulous]: Sixteen? No, Ozzy, I said we had an expanded jury. Sixteen would just be a "bigger" one. [He then turns towards the rest of the jurors, the ones who still haven't arrived yet.] Come on in, guys, please take your assigned seats as well.

[The rest of the "expanded" Cook Islands jury starts to file in slowly, from a path leading out of the jungle. First comes the entire Guatemala cast, led by an obviously drunk Judd Sergeant. Judd, stumbling a little bit over the vines, leads all eighteen Guatemalans as they file in and sit down in the expanded jury. They just pile in right next to the Cook Islanders.]

[Next comes the entire cast from Survivor: The Amazon. They all enter the jury box and sit down next to the Guatemalans.]

[Next comes the entire cast from Survivor: The Australian Outback...]

Sundra: This is messed up. Why does our jury have to be so big, Jeff?

[The jurors continue to file in slowly, in a big, long, endless parade. And the poor jury box, which is really only meant for nine people, starts to creak under their combined weight. It groans especially loudly when Rupert Boneham and Tom Buchanan sit down together towards the middle.]

Yul [looking down at his "hidden" immunity watch]: How long is this part of Tribal Council supposed to take again?

Jeff: I told you guys to expect at least ninety minutes for the jurors to take their seats. So just be patient. We're almost done.

[The final jurors to arrive are the cast from Survivor: Vanuatu. They are led by Eliza Orlins. She walks over to the jury box, finds her seat, sits down, and immediately starts talking. As always, the other 213 jurors instinctively shush her in unison.]

Judd [annoyed]: Dude, shut the hell up, man.

[Once the Vanuatans have taken their seats, a few extra "random" people trickle in to fill out the expanded jury. First comes Brian's wife, C.C. Heidik. Then we see the Panamanian shopkeeper who hit on Trish in Survivor: Pearl Islands. Then we get Da, the Vanuatan survival expert who helped the Yasurs find all their food. They are all members of the expanded jury. Then we get the two prison guards who are here to accompany Richard Hatch...]

Sundra: Are we done yet?

Becky [off-camera]: .....

[The last two Cook Islands jurors are Kevin Federline and the girl who played Topanga in "Boy Meets World." Their presence here has never been fully explained. But they officially become jurors number 249 and 250 as they sit down to take their assigned seats.]

Jeff: Good. We're all here.

Sundra: About time.

Jeff: As you all know, our jury this season is made up of every former Survivor who's ever played the game. [pauses] Well, every former Survivor, that is, except for Bruce and Debb. Because, as we all know, after Australia, Debb put a shotgun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. And, of course, last week Bruce exploded.

[The players nod]

Jeff: So anyway, with our jury in place, we can now...

Jenna Morasca [interrupting him from the jury]: Um, Jeff?

Jeff [caught off guard]: ... wait, do we have a question from the jury?

Jenna Morasca: No, I just wanted to tell you that the deaf girl was sitting next to me again. And I don't like it.

Jeff [furious]: DAMNIT! Jenna, I thought we were done with this four years ago! A... her name is Christy. And B... she's sitting at the far end of the jury box. We put her way over there on purpose. She's not even close to you!

Jenna: But she's in my peripheral vision. And it vexes me.

Jeff [yelling]: SHE IS SITTING AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS SHE POSSIBLY CAN! AND WE HAVE THIS EXACT SAME ARGUMENT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEK! COULD YOU JUST DROP IT THIS ONE GOD DAMN TIME?! COULD YOU LET POOR CHRISTY SIT IN THE JURY BOX FOR A CHANGE?! JESUS CHRIST!

[Jenna starts crying]

Heidi: You hurt her feelings, Jeff. And she has, like, amazing feelings.

Ami [purring]: And grapefruits.

Redneck James: She sure does. Hell yea!

Becky [off-camera]: .....

Jeff [exasperated]: Fine. Christy, just get the hell out of here. You're bothering Jenna again, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. Just get up and go.

[Christy holds up her hands, confused. She doesn't know what she did. And she protests loudly as the Survivor security team drags her off the set and away into the dark jungle.]

Jeff [sarcastically]: Is everybody happy now?

Jenna: Not until I hear a gunshot.

Nate: Damn, dawg. That's cold.

Jeff [ignoring them]: Okay! Back to the game. With our jury now in place... and Jenna sufficiently "un-vexed"... we can now move on to our final four immunity challenge. [dramatic pause] Tonight's challenge is one which tests your knowledge of the players who are no longer in the game. And it's something we like to call "Fallen Comrades."

Eliza [excitedly, as if on caffeine]: Oh, Ilikethisone! It'salwaysbeenoneofmyfavorites!

[248 jury members shush her in unison.]

Jeff: But before we can do Fallen Comrades... [he gets an evil grin]... we first have the matter of... another twist.

[The final four players groan.]

Jeff: That's right, we've reached the part of the game where we're going to mix things up a bit. And this is the latest in Survivor history we've ever done this.

Yul: I knew it! I knew there was an 82 percent chance you'd want to do a twist here! I calculated it last night on my hidden immunity abacus.

[Yul pulls out the abacus he found in the sand on Exile Island.]

Jeff: Today's twist is one that was suggested by CBS executives late last night. Well, maybe "suggested" isn't quite strong enough a word. It was actually more like a demand. This is something I've been ordered to do.

Sundra: Why?

Jeff: I'm sorry, guys. It seems that the big shots at CBS didn't like the direction that Survivor: Cook Islands was headed. They were nervous about the way this season was going to play out. And they decided it was time to make a drastic change.

Ozzy: Oh shit. We're bringing back Burton and Lill?

Jeff: Nope. I'm sorry, Ozzy. It's going to be a lot more drastic than that.

Becky [off-camera]: .....

Jeff: CBS executives have decreed that all four races must be represented among the final four. And all four races must be represented equally. And since we have, well, two Asians here... that means that one of you has got to go.

Roger Sexton [from the jury]: Ha ha. Fuck you, Asians!

Jeff [ignoring him]: A white player will have to replace one of the Asians. And that's a direct order from CBS. They said that without a white in the final four, we'd have riots in places like Utah.

[We get a shot of Chad in the jury, his mouth hanging open in surprise.]

Jeff: CBS also told me that since Yul is our big star this season, he's the one who gets to stay. So Yul, you can stay right where you are.

[Yul smiles, happily.]

Jeff: But Becky... [he lowers his voice, solemnly]... CBS thinks that you suck, and you're also the Asian who doesn't go by the name of "Yul." So I'm sorry to say that your time in this game is through. Please stand up and bring me your torch.

Becky [angrily, off-camera]: ..... !

[Becky's torch is snuffed (off-camera of course) and she walks over to take her place in the jury. Or so we assume. We never actually see or hear Becky at any time during this entire exchange.]

Cao Boi [whispering to his new jury neighbor]: Hey Becky, what do you call too many Asians in a Survivor jury box?

Becky [offended, off-camera]: ..... !

Cao Boi: Ha ha ha!

Jeff: Okay, so with one of the Asians gone, that means we need to bring back one of the whites. And Poverti, you're the one the producers wanted the most. So jump on out of that jury box and come on down.

Parvati [clapping and squealing with delight]: Yay!

Candice: Hey, that's not fair! What about me?

Jeff: I'm sorry, Candice. The producers didn't want a brain. The producers wanted sex. They wanted somebody who would put out.

Candice [hurt]: But what about me and Adam? I put out too!

Jeff [cutting her off]: Can it, Woodcock.

[Squealing with delight, Parvati stands up. Staring at the camera all the way, she then sashays her way out of the jury box and over to Jeff. She picks up her torch, suggestively strokes the length of it three times with her hand, then winks at the camera and licks her lips. She then places it on the ground in front of Jeff.]

Jeff [lighting her torch]: Poverti, the tribe has unspoken. Get your cute little white butt back in there.

Parvati [squealing]: Yay!

[Parvati sits down next to Ozzy. And she immediately drops her hand down to rest on his inner thigh.]

Sundra: Ummm... can Parvati sit next to somebody else please? I really don't think that's appropriate.

Ozzy: And I can't concentrate while getting a handjob.

Jeff: Ahh, good point. Poverti, kindly remove your hand from Ozzy's thigh. Please go sit next to Yul instead.

Parvati [pouting, in baby talk]: But Jeffy Weffy! Yuw doesn't wike to pway wif me.

Jeff [ominously]: Hey, I could put Flica in the game. She's white too, you know.

[Sadly, Parvati extracts her hand from Ozzy's lap and sashays over to sit next to Yul. And she tries the same trick on him, too, letting her hand "casually" drop down into his lap. But Yul doesn't seem to notice. He is too busy typing on his hidden immunity Blackberry.]

Parvati [removing her hand]: Crap.

Jeff: Okay, now the CBS execs should be happy. We have one black person, one Hispanic, one Asian, and one white. I mean... uh... Poverti, you are white, right?

Parvati [suggestively]: I'm whatever you want me to be, honey.

[In the jury box, Julie Berry growls, possessively. She then instinctively flexes her claws.]

Jeff: Okay, good. So we have all four races now. Oh, and... by the way... Sundra, even though the CBS execs said Nate was "way more black" than you, they said you were good enough and could stay.

Sundra [sarcastically]: Well bless their little hearts.

Nate [frustrated]: Damn, dawg! That's wack!

Jeff: And with our final four set, that, of course, brings us to our last twist. Because, as you are well aware, this is the thirteenth season of Survivor. And by this point, we all get boners over how many twists we can throw at you.

[The players groan]

Ozzy: Um, are we actually going to get to play Fallen Comrades today, Jeff? This scene has already gone on for like two and a half hours.

Yul [calculating in his head]: I'd say there's about a... seventy-three... percent chance that we'll get to compete in an actual challenge tonight. In fact, I just looked it up on my hidden immunity actuary table.

Jeff [talking over them]: Our final twist today is the addition of a fifth member to this group. That's right, this isn't a final four anymore. It's now going to be a final five. You're suddenly going to be competing against another player.

Ozzy: No! Not Lill!

[The entire 249-member jury groans.]

Jeff: Of course not. I'm not talking about Lill. I'm talking about the single most popular female in Survivor history. I'm talking about the woman that nobody here wants to have to compete against.

Yul: Stacey Stillman?

Sandra [from the jury]: That little fucker Fairplay!

Rob Cesternino [from the jury]: Amber?

Parvati: Me?

Jeff: No. You're close, but you're forgetting about the woman who was born to play the game of Survivor. I'm talking about the woman with the warrior mentality. The woman with the 200 IQ. And the woman with a heart that's as big as all outdoors.

[We cut to the lesbian shopkeeper from Pearl Islands, who smiles, happily]

Jeff [excitedly]: That's right, it's the single most important woman to ever walk on God's green earth. And she's now competing in this game as a surprise member of Aitutonga! Here she is! The one, the only...

[We cut to the jury, where Heidi stands up, happily. She turns and waves to the camera.]

Jeff: No, not you, Heidi. Sit down. I'm talking about Stephenie.

Heidi [hurt]: But...

[Trumpets suddenly blare, and angels sing, as Stephenie LaGrossa descends from the clouds high above. She floats down to earth, does a gratuitous barrel roll across the dirt, and winds up standing in front of Jeff. And she looks incredibly pumped to be back.]

Jeff: Stephenie, the tribe has unspoken. You're back in this game one more time.

[Stephenie nods. She smiles, walks over, and sits down next to Ozzy.]

Cook Islands jury [in unison]: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[We cut to a shot of Rafe Judkins, who looks pained and upset by the booing.]

Yul: Um, Jeff? There's only about a 1.2 percent chance that this twist is actually legal. There's a chance you could actually be committing some sort of felony here.

Jeff: Well I'm sorry. Federal regulations or not, this is what the suits want, and this is what they are going to get. Besides, CBS rules say that Stephenie LaGrossa must be in every Survivor season until she actually wins one. Or until she dies trying. And that's why she's back in this game one more time. [He shrugs.] Like it or not, that's just the way it is going to be.

Parvati: But isn't Stephenie... you know... white? Like me? And having two of us, is that... uh... kosher?

Jeff [incredulous]: Stephenie isn't white. Look at her. She's tan! And by CBS definitions, that means she's technically a minority. In fact she's really not white at all. She's actually sort of more... off-white.

Stephenie [nasaly]: I'm Jersey Trash.

Jeff: Yeah, and that.

[The other players grumble about it, but Stephenie is now officially back in the game. Jeff gives her a spanking new Aitutonga buff, and she smiles happily over at the jury. In response, 184 of the jurors give her the finger. Rafe sees this, of course, and once again looks incredibly pained.]

Jeff: Okay, now that we have all five races represented in the game, we can officially begin tonight's Tribal Council. Are you guys ready to begin?

Sundra, Yul, Ozzy, Parvati and Stephenie [in unison]: Please!

Jeff: Okay, for this challenge you're all gonna need a pen and a tablet of paper. So let me pass those out to you before we begin.

[Jeff walks over to hand everybody their writing tablets, but stops when he realizes that Yul already has one.]

Jeff [confused]: Um, Yul? Where did you get that paper?

Yul: I dug it up. On Exile Island.

Jeff [stunned]: And you found a pen too?

Yul: Yep.

Jeff: Jesus. How much stuff did we bury out there?

Yul: Well, let's see here. I found the watch. [He holds up his new Rolex]. And the Blackberry. And the actuary tables. And my abacus. And the pen and paper. And, of course, the hidden immunity idol.

Jeff: Of course.

Yul: I hate to admit it, but I actually found about eight hidden immunity idols out there. They were buried all over the place.

[He opens his bag and dumps eight amulet-looking things onto the ground.]

Jeff [impressed]: Wow!

Yul: But that's not all. I also found a lot of weird stuff too. Like this crock pot. [He holds it up] And this scimitar. [He holds it up] And that motorcycle. [He points over to a dirty motorcycle, which he has parked behind the Tribal Council set.]

Jeff: You found all that, just on Exile Island?!?

Ozzy [impressed]: Dude!

Nate: Damn, dawg!

Yul: Oh yeah, and I also found this sack of delicious White Castle cheeseburgers. [He holds it up, and peers into the bag] I think there are about twelve of them in here. And they're still hot, too!

Jeff: We buried cheeseburgers out there??

Yul: Someone did.

Silas "Chip" Gaither [piping up from the jury]: You found me out there, too.

Yul [remembering]: Oh yes, I also dug up Silas.

[We cut to a shot of Silas, who is covered in dirt in the jury box. He lets loose a wide grin.]

Jeff: Um... [not sure how to respond] ah.... [confused] I'm not sure what the hell's going on here. [he looks around, totally baffled] Did we really bury all that stuff...? [pausing, awkward] Can we just start the challenge now?

Yul: Sure, but I should probably give you this first. I don't think it would really be fair if I held onto it.

[He hands Jeff a book entitled "Answers to today's Fallen Comrades challenge." It's another item he found back on Exile island.]

Jeff [totally flummoxed]: Ooooo-kay. So anyway, let's move on, shall we?

Becky [off-camera, from the jury]: .....

[Jeff walks back to his podium. He pauses for a few seconds, catches his breath, and tries to recompose. Then he picks up his first notecard.]

Jeff: Fallen Comrades. Question number one. [reading off the card] What is Ozzy's last name?

Sundra [protesting]: But Ozzy isn't a fallen comrade. He's sitting right here.

Jeff: Shut up. Just answer the question.

[The five players all write down their answers, although Yul takes a few extra seconds to confirm the correct spelling in his hidden "Book of Hispanic surnames." Once everybody is done writing, Jeff has them reveal their answers.]

Yul: Lusth
Parvati: Shallow
Sundra: ?
Ozzy: Van Gelderson
Stephenie: Not about me. Don't care.

Jeff [looking over the answers]: So let's see here. Yul got it right. Sundra didn't know. Stephenie didn't care. And Poverti, you thought Ozzy had your last name?

Parvati [suggestively]: I just want Ozzy inside me, Jeff. No matter what I have to do.

Jeff: Um... [confused] I guess.

[Parvati purrs]

Ozzy [proudly]: I missed it too, Jeff! I didn't get that question right either!

Jeff: Yes, I know. Congratulations Ozzy, you missed a question about yourself. You thought your last name was "Van Gelderson." For some reason, you thought you were a Danish Nobleman.

Ozzy [loudly whispering]: Don't tell anybody, but I'm throwing the challenge.

Jeff: Yes, I figured that. Why? To get rid of Billy again?

Ozzy: Yeah, I hate that fucker.

[In the jury, Lill hears this line and bursts into tears. She then puts an arm around Billy, protectively.]

Jeff: Um, Ozzy? Number one, that's not really the way that Fallen Comrades works. You can't get rid of people just by throwing one of the challenges anymore.

Ozzy: Really?

Yul [figuring it out on his abacus]: Yeah, there's only like a 1.3 percent chance that would work.

Jeff: Besides, Billy isn't even in the game. He's too busy jerking off to a picture of Candice up there.

Ozzy [defiantly]: So what? I still hate him. Billy's lazy. He's bringing us all down, just by being here.

Jamie Newton [from the jury]: Sort of like Stephenie.

Bobby Jon [from the jury]: Yeah!

Judd [from the jury]: Stephenie sucks, man!

Nate [from the jury]: We hate her, dawg!

Becky [off-camera, agreeing]: ..... !

213 jurors [angrily, in unison]: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[We cut to Rafe, who looks incredibly pained]

Jeff [talking over everybody]: ENOUGH! QUESTION TWO! [reading off his notecard, trying to talk over the angry jury] WHO DID BILLY SAY HE WAS IN LOVE WITH, RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS VOTED OUT OF THE GAME?

[Jeff gives them all some time to write down their answers. Although he does have to wait a few extra seconds for Yul to confirm the answer in his hidden "The Complete History of Survivor: Cook Islands" handbook. Once everybody is done writing, and the jury is done booing, Jeff has the players reveal their written answers.]

Yul: Candice Woodcock
Parvati: Me *giggle*
Sundra: Candice
Ozzy: Plato
Stephenie: Not about me. Don't care.

Jeff [looking over the answers]: Let's see... Yul got it right. And, Poverti, you thought Billy was in love with you?

[Parvati nods, suggestively]

Jeff: Why am I not surprised? Although I appreciate that you actually took the time to write out the word "*giggle*"

Parvati [suggestively]: *giggle*

Jeff [looking over the answers]: Sundra got it right, Stephenie didn't care, and Ozzy... well, apparently you're still trying to throw Fallen Comrades. You answered Plato? The famous ancient Greek philosopher? You thought that Billy was in love with Plato?

Ozzy [in a loud stage whisper]: Yeah, I'm still trying to throw this challenge. It's the only way we're ever going to get rid of Yul.

Jeff [visibly annoyed]: Look, you dumbass. You can't throw fucking Fallen Comrades. It just doesn't work that way.

Billy [piping up]: Besides, Ozzy is actually right. I am in love with Plato. [he pauses, wistfully] It's the way he taught Aristotle, man, and his theory on metaphysical dualism. [he pauses, trying not to cry] That dualism shit, and the Platonic corpus in general, it just really moved me, man.

[Jeff does a confused double take.]

Billy [eyes watering]: And... and that's where I found love.

[We cut to a shot of Chad Crittenden, with his mouth hanging open in surprise.]

Nate: Damn, dawg! That's wack!

[A strange silence hovers over the set for a moment]

Ozzy [stunned]: So my answer was actually right?!

Jeff [baffled]: Strangely enough, yes it was. You actually got a question right. And you might as well get them all right now, because that's the way that Fallen Comrades works. You can't vote somebody out just by throwing it.

Sean Kenniff [piping up]: I should know. I tried.

Ozzy: So you're saying I should just try my best now?

Jeff: Yes.

Ozzy: And you're saying I should just blow these chumps right out of the water?

Jeff: Be my guest.

Ozzy: Fine. Then that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

[Ozzy picks up his pen and paper and starts writing, furiously. Jeff gets a confused look on his face.]

Jeff: What are you doing?

Ozzy [talking while writing]: Winning this challenge.

[Ozzy continues writing for another thirty seconds or so, until he has filled an entire page. He then stops, puts down his pen, smiles, and turns around his tablet. And now everybody can see what he just wrote.]

Answer #3: 12 days
Answer #4: Foxy boxing
Answer #5: Woodcock
Answer #6: Jazz musician
Answer #7: "That's bollocks, and you know it."
Answer #8: Because Asians eat dogs
Answer #9: Gonorrhea
Answer #10: A gun shooting a bullet
Answer #11: Wack Arnold!
Answer #12: Woodcock
Answer #13: Silas Gaither

Tiebreaker answer: 136 jellybeans

[Ozzy sits back and smiles, proudly.]

Jeff [incredulous]: Ozzy, you just answered every question! And you even knew there were going to be thirteen. [stunned] You even managed to guess how many jellybeans were in the jar for my tiebreaker! How did you manage to do that??!

[Ozzy just chuckles]

Jeff: Did Yul give you some sort of hidden answer book?

[Ozzy shakes his head, proudly]

Jeff: HOW ON EARTH DID YOU JUST DO THAT?

Ozzy [in a slow surfer drawl]: Daaaaaaamn, Jeff. Haven't you figured it out? I answered all of those questions because I could.

Jeff: What do you mean, because you could?

Ozzy: I did it because I'm fucking OZZY LUSTH, baby. And don't any of you motherfuckers forget it! [He puts his arms behind his head and leans back, smiling cockily] Yeaaaaaah.

Jeff [in sudden awe]: Wow. You really are Fucking Ozzy Lusth.

Sundra [impressed]: He is!

Yul [nodding]: There's a 92 percent chance he really is.

Parvati [wistful]: I wish -I- was fucking Ozzy Lusth.

Jeff: Shut up.

[The jury spontaneously rises to its feet, to applaud the Challenge God who goes by the name of Ozzy Lusth. All 250 of them stand up and give him a five minute standing ovation. Christy Smith even applauds him from out in the forest. She can't hear what is going on, and she has no idea what just happened back in the game. She's just standing here and applauding out of sheer instinct. Somehow, she knows that something magical just happened and must be acknowledged.]

Judd [from the jury]: Damn fine performance, dude.

Neleh [from the jury]: Oh my heck, that was awesome!

Brian Heidik [from the jury]: That was brilliant and spectacular! Just like me!

Robb Zbacnik [from the jury]: Sweet shenanigans, bro!

Jenna Morasca [trying to yell over the applause]: Jeff, the deaf girl is clapping! Make her stop! It's hurting my ears!!

[Throughout all this, Ozzy just sits there and basks in the attention, smiling proudly. He pumps his fist happily. He waves to the adoring crowd. He also manages to somehow catch a bucket of fish.]

The Cook Islands Jury [chanting, in unison]: Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!

Jeff [once the applause has died down]: Well I guess this challenge is pretty much over then. Since Yul has a hidden answer book for everything, and Ozzy can answer the questions before I even ask them, there's really no point in even continuing, now is there?

Yul [fessing up]: Besides, I've already given a hidden immunity idol to everybody, Jeff. So it really doesn't matter. We were all going to be immune tonight, no matter what.

Jeff: What?

Yul: Yeah, and I actually gave everybody million dollar checks too. I actually found a bunch of them buried out on Exile Island. [nodding] I know, I thought it was weird too. So pretty much... yeah, all of us are millionaires already. At this point, we're pretty much just playing Survivor for fun.

Jeff: How could you all be millionaires? The checks aren't liquid unless you actually deposit them in a bank! Before that, they're just pieces of worthless paper!

Yul: Yeah I know. But I dug up an ATM machine out on Exile.

[He points over to the trees, where an ATM sits, still covered in dirt.]

Jeff [throwing his notecards in the air]: Okay, that's it. Survivor has officially been cancelled. You guys are getting too good at this game, and there's no reason for me to even be here anymore. I quit.

[Jeff rips off his microphone and storms off the set.]

Greg Buis [from the jury]: Ha ha!

[A few seconds later, Julie Berry excuses herself and trails off after her man. She looks forlorn. A few seconds later, Billy Garcia trails off after her. Nobody else seems to know what they are supposed to do.]

Yul: So that's it, I guess. We all win Survivor, and we're all now officially millionaires!

[The jurors all cheer. Da from Vanuatu even cheers, although he has absolutely no idea what Yul (or anybody) is saying. Cheering just makes him happy.]

Yul [excitedly]: I've got a dirty duffel bag full of dirty million dollar checks! Who wants one?!

Diane Ogden: I do!

Peter Harkey: Me too!

Becky [off-camera]: ..... !

[The jurors swarm around Yul as he hands out million dollar checks to everybody in attendance. The jurors even let him give one to Stephenie. And we slowly fade out to the chants of "Yul! Yul! Yul!"]

[We then immediately cut to the front page of CBS.com the next day. The headline, in big, 48-point type, screams: "STEPHENIE LAGROSSA WINS SURVIVOR! OFF-WHITE GIRL BECOMES FIRST MINORITY WINNER IN THREE YEARS!"

[end]

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