Winning Survivor With
Style: The Andy Kaufman Strategy
(aka How to be the Ultimate Villain in
Survivor History)
Posted by Mario Lanza on 09/12/02
"The greatest
trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he
didn't exist."
-Verbal Kint, THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Since I started writing this column last year, there is one question
that I get asked more than any other.
"So when are YOU going on Survivor?"
I can't tell you how many emails I get about this. Although I
have to say it's much better than the previous
winner for the most-asked question:
"Hey, are you related to Mario Lanza the singer?"
For those of you under thirty, there was a singer/actor in the 50s
named Mario Lanza. He is considered one of
the greatest tenors of all time. And for the record, NO, I'm not
related to him. I'm just named after him. And
I was supposed to be "Christopher" up until the day I was born. I'm
considered Italian only by the most
liberal of definitions, and I don't speak a word of it. I don't even
look Italian, in fact someone at
work told me I look more like a "Chad," or a "Bret." And to further
drive the point home, Mario
Lanza wasn't his real name anyway, it was just a stage name. So that
being cleared up, back to the Survivor question.
"Mario, do you think you could win Survivor?"
A quick answer to that would be, hell yeah. Of
course I think I can win. But then again, everybody
thinks they can win, so who gives a crap what I think? But it's only
common sense that you would have to think
you can win before you go on a show like this. Otherwise, why are you
doing it? Okay, if you are Gabriel Cade,
maybe your answer is a little different. But for the most part, at this
point, people go on this show because they
want to win. Except for Amber.
Now of course I think I could win. But the more
realistic question would be, do I think I would win
Survivor?
Nope, probably not.
There are just far too many factors working against someone to
guarantee success in this show, such as teammates,
twists, challenges, illness, pure dumb luck, and the fact that you have
a one-in-a-million chance of ever being
picked to compete in the first place. And as Kathy O'Brien said once in
an email to me, "60-75% of this game
is LUCK!" So there's really not a whole lot you can
do to ensure anything in the Survivor world.
When we were writing the All-Star Hawaii story this offseason, I was
again struck by how much in this game is dumb
luck. How well you do in this game is based mainly on who your
teammates are, how they decide to play, who gets
along with whom, who gets sick, who reacts to hunger better, whose body
breaks down, etc. There's really very little
you can do to flat out say, "This is how to play and how to win."
But that being said, there are things you can do to
maximize your chances for success in this game. There
are things you can do to ensure that you will stick around for a while.
Though one could make a case that by this
point in the show (four seasons worth of history), the players are far
too savvy for anyone's strategy to really
work. It's basically just a big war, and at the end, only one person
remains standing, meaning that some times,
players will win pretty much by default (like Ethan.) The best way to
win at this point seems to be as simple as,
"don't screw up!" When people start attracting attention to themselves,
that's when they get targeted.
So if you have a strategy to win, you sure as hell better disguise it
well. If the other people see your strategy,
you are done. No one played that part of the game better than Vecepia
Towery. No one saw her strategy, heck I don't
even think the editors saw it. But she did have
one, and outlasted them all, by simply maximizing her chances
for success, and not screwing up, or attracting attention. And I think
that's really the only way you can win by
this point. The players are too savvy to let you win any other way.
Suffice it to say, I have done a lot of thinking on how I would play
the game if I ended up on the show. A lot
of thinking. My wife and I have two small children and we're pretty
much stuck in the house for the next four years,
so it's safe to say I have plenty of time to fantasize and think about
stuff like this. And I have developed a
strategy which I think is pretty solid. I've turned this topic over in
my head many times, and have modified the
strategy over time, as needed. It seems pretty airtight to me. As a
small disclaimer, of course there's no way
to guarantee anything in this game, but I think if you stuck to this
strategy, I think you could make the merge
pretty easily. And after that, it's all about adaptation and
observation. So my goal is to get you to the merge.
Oh, and you also have to be a bit of an asshole to pull this one off.
Or a sociopath, depending on how far you
want to go with it. As one reader told me, "Mario, the other players
would never speak to you again if you
tried that on national TV!" But hey, look at it this way...
A million bucks can buy you a lot of new friends.
THE ANDY KAUFMAN STRATEGY
I like to call my strategy the "Andy Kaufman Strategy." If
you don't
know who Andy was, he was a comedian/performance
artist in the late 70's/early 80's. He's one of my personal heroes, and
that was even before they made the movie
about his life a few years ago (Man on the Moon). And my simple reason
for liking him is that the guy had balls.
The guy was totally fearless, had absolutely no inhibitions, didn't
care if the audience liked him, and could really
give a rat's ass about other people. He existed simply to entertain
himself, and make a mockery out of those around
him. If you know about his career or stand-up act at all, you will know
what I am talking about. Some of his performances
and acts had the sole purpose of pissing the audience off, just because
he thought it was funny that they hated
him. The world was the joke, and only Andy got the punchline. You
either loved him or hated him, but no one really
knew who he was. Even when he died, people didn't know if he was faking
it or not.
The reason I call my strategy the "Andy Kaufman" strategy is that it is
based on one of his favorite
pasttimes. He loved to just adopt a persona, and never break character,
not for anyone. In fact, he spent years
in some characters, even his best friends couldn't get him to crack. So
I would play Survivor by simply making
up a character for myself. Before you get out to the island, just dream
up a persona for yourself. You can be anything
you want, because remember that the other players don't know ANYTHING
ABOUT YOU. Remember that! You can
tell them anything you want about yourself, and as long as you are
believable they have no reason to doubt you.
The key therefore is to never break character. Never, ever let down
your guard. If you do, you are dead. I can't
help you then. But if you have the stones to make up a fake persona and
stick to it for a month, you have the kind
of single-minded determination needed to win this game. If you could
pull it off, and never break character,
then Andy himself would have been proud. It's something he did every
minute of his life.
Now, of course, you are thinking, what good would it do to make up a
fake personality? How would that help? Well
there's a simple reason for this: There is a certain group of player
that is always underestimated. There's one
player in every cast who people dismiss as stupid, or simple, or too
nice. And that would be the person from the
small town. The redneck. The hillbilly. The person from the South.
Whatever label you want to assign to them (Burnett
used "Redneck"), they are consistently underestimated.
Sue Hawk.
Rodger Bingham.
Tina Wesson.
Tom Buchanan.
Teresa Cooper.
I suppose you could stretch this to include Paschal English, but Sue,
Tom and Tina are the three I am most interested
in. The three of them ALL MADE THE FINAL FOUR,
without much competition. People didn't have a clue that
Sue was clever, or that Tina had her killer instinct, or, more
specifically, that Rodger was once the CEO of a
bank.
I've been stunned that this strategy has never really been used. No one
has flat out tried to pass themself off
as someone they are not. In fact, Rodger Bingham, surprisingly enough,
has come the closest. Who would have known
that sweet, nice Rodger once held one of the more cutthroat jobs you
can get, a CEO. And in fact, whoops, he forgot
to tell anyone. Silly me, I'm just a farmer and teacher, I guess I
forgot to mention what I used to do. So of all
the players who have adopted this fake persona, Rodger is really the
only one who has tried it. Rob Mariano admitted
that he also changed his personality somewhat for the game, but you
could tell in a second what he was up to.
Now, you don't really have to be from the South, or from a small town,
or anything like that. Although a small
town would help, just make one up if you aren't familiar with any. The
main point is that you just have to come
off as... I guess the best word would be "sheltered." You have to pass
yourself off as someone who hasn't
seen a whole lot of life, or of the world. Don't adopt a fake accent or
anything, just don't let on that you know
much about the ways of the world. Heck, you could even go so far to say
that you have never watched the show before.
"No, my friend just told me to try out for the show as a dare, I'm not
really sure what we are in for."
Now remember that you really and truly have to believe in this
character, so you have to sell it. Don't go over
the top, but you need to have everyone underestimate you from day one.
And do it with a smile. No one likes a sourpuss.
RELIGION
Now once you are into your character, there's a few more
traits that I
think you need. Number one, and this is
the one that is going to irk some people, is that you need to be
religious. You need to get in good with the other
religious people, and establish some sort of ethical basis for your
personality. You can either be religious in
real life, or just study up and fake it. But it needs to be known that
you are a very ethical person, and can be
trusted. And once you are in with the religious people, and in tight,
you can basically wreak havoc with the game
and not arouse suspicion. This is one of the keys to my strategy, and
the one which will be the hardest for a lot
of people. You absolutely have to be convincing in your faith. Think
Tina or Vecepia. A good, solid Christian person
can get away with anything in this game. And if you aren't one in real
life, learn to become one for 39 days.
There are two more major issues to get out of the way at the start.
Number one is your work ethic. For Pete's sake,
do some work around camp. Do what the leader tells you. Do what the
others ask. Volunteer to build things. Don't
ever, ever slack off the first week in camp. As they say in Japan, the
nail that sticks up the furthest gets hammered
down first. Don't stand out as a slacker. Don't be unpleasant, assert
your opinions, or be bossy. And for damn
sure, don't be the leader. Just be. Just hang around, let the more
dominant ones battle it out at the start. Once
again, think Vee. She let Rob, Sean, Gina and Hunter fight it out,
while she just sat back and waited. In fact,
she used Sean all game as her smokescreen, which is another good idea
if you can pull it off. Find a more dominant,
vocal player, and hide behind them for a while.
Of course, everyone knows the key to winning Survivor is through
alliances. And this last point is something I
feel is very crucial. NEVER approach people for
alliances. Let them come to you. And when someone comes
to you, ALWAYS say yes. "Sure, sounds good, I'm
with you." If you play it right, everyone will
think you are on their team. And if you are the simple minded, good
solid Christian you appear to be, you have
it made at that point. And never, ever feel any shame or regret about
changing alliances. Change as it suits you
best. Adapt, shift, backstab, do whatever you want. But never admit to
anything. Never get caught in lies, or in
a situation where your deception could be tracked. You always have to
have someone else to take your fall. You
need a smokescreen at all times. So make sure you know all your fellow
players, and have decent relationships with
all of them. I'm sure Vecepia would agree when I say, keep your options
open.
Remember that these people aren't your friends. They are pawns to use
for your own success. You may think that
way or not in real life, but you need to think that way in the game.
Don't let personal feelings become involved.
Once someone is of no use to you, forget them. In fact, it might even
be best if you didn't learn everyone's name.
If you just thought of them as "the guy with the tattoos" or "the lady
with the red hair,"
it will help keep the idea in your mind that these aren't people, just
pawns. Hey, it worked for Rudy, although
I think he just didn't care what their names were. You truly do need to
think like a sociopath to play this type
of strategy. But hey, it would be fun, and more importantly, would be
great TV. People in the audience would hate
you, but I can guarantee you would be one of the stars of the show!
Ok, as for wreaking havoc within the game, there's plenty of little
subtle stuff you could do. Lie about people,
just make up stuff about them. Make up stories about how they are
scheming too much. If you have "sold"
your character, and they believe you are who you say you are, you can
be trusted with this info. You can totally
rip apart an otherwise solid game, much like Rob Mariano. Just start
arousing suspicions, turn people against each
other. Be creative.
Another way to be destructive is through the Tribal Council voting. How
many times have we seen this: Seven people
team up to vote off one isolated teammate. My general theory of this is
that there should NEVER be a unanimous
vote in this game. Not early on, anyway. It's too boring. People get
too secure in their position if everything
is nice and unanimous. You need a healthy dose of paranoia and
suspicion around the tribe at all times. A perfect
example is what happened to Lex. One vote is all it took, and it very
nearly sent Boran tumbling apart. So the
goal here is to find one person who you know can't take criticism well.
One person whose world will be destroyed
when they get a vote against them. And hit them with a surprise vote
early on. It would be great if it were
a leader, but anyone will do. Just make the first vote a 6-1-1. And my
favorite part of the mystery vote is you
have to do some acting. When the vote is pulled out, look surprised.
Look around angrily. Look shocked. If everyone
goes into the vote expecting unanimity, it will drive some of them
nuts. I even have decided that if I do this,
I will disguise my handwriting as female handwriting. Make it ornate
cursive, add flowers and smiley faces. Do
whatever you want to implicate someone else. I'm sure you could come up
with some creative ideas. But the key here
is that you do NOT want a nice, honest game around
you. You want to make them sweat it out, because people
will start making mistakes when they are under stress.
So basically, that's the Andy Kaufman strategy in a nutshell. Just make
up a fake persona, sell it, make nice with
everyone, and wreak havoc from within. Use people as pawns. Switch
alliances at will. Stick with those in power.
Do some work around camp. Profess your faith openly. Keep your mouth
shut unless neccessary. Make the game your
own private little joke. Do your best in challenges, although if you
are too weak no strategy in the world will
save you. Sonja Christopher would never get past the first or second
vote, but for the most part, this strategy
will work for anyone who has the guts to try it.
OBSTACLES
There are just two major obstacles to this plan. Two things
that I
think would stand in the way. The first being
Jeff Probst. He is notorious for bringing up sensitive issues at TC.
Such as "Rich, is there an Alliance?"
or "John, are you confident as leader right now?" And you know Jeff
sees the footage, he knows what is
going on. The cameramen and crew all talk about the players. So at some
Tribal Council, Jeff will more than likely
bust out with:
"Mario, do you think everyone here is who they claim to be? Are people
hiding their true personalities from
the rest of the tribe?"
That's a tricky situation. And the only real plan I would have is to
prepare ahead of time. Assume you will get
this question at some point. And have your answer rehearsed in your
head ahead of time. Immediately turn the question
towards someone else, and deflect it from you. Say something like,
"Well yes, I've had my suspicions about
one or two of them. But I have to respect that they are who they say
they are. An ethical person wouldn't try to
pass themself off as something they are not, and I think we are all
good, ethical people." That would probably
work, and would be sure to piss off all the viewers at home. Just never
get caught off guard by a Probst question,
and you should be okay. Remember to deflect any
accusation towards someone else. Make it look like he isn't
talking about you.
The final obstacle to a possible win is the jury vote. And this is
where I would say you dump the strategy. I would
go against ALL conventional wisdom, and come clean. Do your best to
tell everyone who you are, what you have done,
and why you did it. The pure strategists will say you would be nuts to
fess up so late in the game, but I disagree.
I think that more often than not, the jury doesn't like either
candidate, and are just looking to say they lost
to a good player. John Carroll was clearly looking for someone to admit
to playing the game when he asked his final
question. I think they want to hear you say something along the
following lines:
Yes, I made it here. It's because I'm the smartest, I played
the best, and I kicked all of your butts. You are
there and I am here because I fooled you all. I had this game under
control from day one, and none of you even
saw it. I don't regret a thing, and I only hope that you can admire
what I have done.
Perhaps that's a little too direct, but I think you should explain how
you won this game. I waffle over this issue
from time to time, but I do think you need to come off as the winner in
your final jury speech. And not as someone
who is happy just to be there. No one likes a wishy-washy winner. I
think it's what did Neleh in, she didn't believe
she was the winner, and it showed.
So there you have it. Mario's strategy to win
Survivor. The "Andy
Kaufman" strategy. Or the sociopath
strategy. You decide. But I'm pretty sure it would take you far in this
game, ensure you lots of airtime, and make
you a notorious villain at the same time. And hey, they wouldn't even
have to fudge the editing to make you the
bad guy. You could wear your black hat with pride, especially if you
are a newly crowned millionaire.
Oh, just one final comment I have to make. I'm sure
some people may ask,
but Mario, if you are going on Survivor someday,
why would you tell us your strategy? What if someone swipes it? My
answer is that is simple. More than likely,
I will never end up on Survivor. I haven't had an opportunity to apply
yet, due to our two small children, but
someday I will. But the odds of ever ending up on the show are
microscopic. I'm pretty sure if I ever got an interview,
I could probably get through some rounds of interviews. But remember
that the vast majority of tapes probably don't
even get looked at. Your biggest obstacle is having them even look at
your tape, because of the thousands and thousands
of tapes that get sent in. So odds are, you won't see me on the show.
So my reasoning for writing up my strategy
in my column becomes more obvious...
Someone is going to use this strategy someday, and they are going to
win. And I want to say, hey I predicted it
in my column! My strategy worked! Someone used the Kaufman strategy!
Dank you veddy much.
Mario Lanza isn't really a sociopath, he just plays one on
TV. He was
one of the writers of the popular All-Star
Survivor: Hawaii story this offseason, check it out if you haven't yet!
His Power Rankings return next week.
Email Mario at MLanza1974@aol.com