MARQUESAS FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza




Jeff: Hello, and welcome back to Tribal Council. I know you guys have been through a lot, but you've made it to the final four. You're here. And now, we have a little game for you. First, let me bring in our jury.


[The jury files in. First John, then Zoe, then Tammy, then Robert, then Paschal. Tammy is restrained with chains in a cage, like a wild animal. She is flanked by two handlers. Everyone takes their seat.]


Jeff: This game is called Fallen Comrades. It is designed to test your knowledge of those whom you have vanquished. To see how well you got to know those around you. I will be asking ten questions. Each correct answer will get you a point. The one with the most points at the end of the game will win immunity. And I don't need to tell you how crucial that can be at this point in the game. So please, everybody grab your pad of paper and your black pen.


Sean [angrily]: Why's it gotta be a BLACK pen, Jeff? What's up with that?


Jeff: Sean, just grab your pen and we'll be ready to go.


Sean: Why's it always be a BLACK pen doin' all the work? Slavery's been outlawed, Jeff Probst, why can't the WHITE pens do any of the writing?


Jeff: Sean, we've been over this before. There's no racism here at Tribal Council. Question number one...


John [Interrupting]: Uh, Jeff. Can I ask a question?


Jeff: John, you aren't supposed to speak in the jury.


John: Yeah, but I got a splinter. Can someobody pee on me?


Jeff [exasperated]: John, you ask at EVERY TRIBAL council for a female to pee on you. It's not gonna happen, buddy. Kathy peed on you once, and that's all you get.


John: C'mon, man. Zoe and Tammy peed on me back at the lodge. But Neleh and Vecepia still haven't. Please?


Jeff [ignoring him]: Question #1: What was Rob Mariano's favorite movie? [waits for them to write answers]. Okay, let's read them.

Sean: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Neleh: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Kathy: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Vecepia: Nympho Sluts, volume 4


Jeff: Well, you all got it wrong. The correct answer is "The Godfather." Amazing that you all guessed the same movie. But "Nympho Sluts, Volume 4" is incorrect.


Sean: No, it isn't, bro. Rob was really into porn.


Jeff: He was?


Neleh: Oh, HECK yes.


Kathy [loudly laughing]: HAW HAW HAW HAW!


Jeff: Okay, we will give you each a point for that one.


Vecepia: Thank you, Jesus! Yes! Praise Jesus! [starts dancing around, pumping her fist in the air] God is great!


[Jeff waits for her to finish. It takes a few seconds for her celebration to end. Then he reads question #2]


Jeff: Question #2: What was the name of the fisherwoman from Maine? She ran her own boat and didn't say much.


[All four contestants look blankly at him. No one knows.]


Jeff: She was in Rotu. She was part of John's Alliance...? Anyone?


[They all look at each other. Kathy shrugs]


Jeff: C'mon guys. She is sitting in the jury. Anyone remember her? [no response] Just start writing something, c'mon guys. She had the same name as one of the Muppets.

Sean: Cookie Monster?
Neleh: Elmo
Kathy: Nick. The black guy. Wasn't he in Rotu? HAW HAW HAW.
Vecepia: Wasn't that Nick Brown?


Jeff: I'm sorry. It was... it was... um... [looks down to read off his notecard] Zoe. No points for that one. Okay, Question #3: Why did John ask Kathy to pee on him?


[shot of John looking very proud]


Sean: He had a split end
Neleh: To purify his spirit
Kathy: He was sad that day
Vecepia: In memory of September 11th


Jeff: You are all correct. John asked Kathy to pee on him over seventy times, before hitting the jackpot with his "sea urchin" story.


[Robert reaches over and high-fives John in the jury]


Vecepia: Yes! Thank you, Jesus! Praise God! [She pumps her fist in the air, raising his arms to the Heavens] We love you, Jesus!


Jeff [after waiting for her to finish]: Okay, that's two points for everybody. Question #4: What is the best way to catch a pig?

Sean: Force the black man to catch it
Kathy: Don't ask Robert or John. HAW HAW HAW.
Vecepia: Ask Jesus to deliver it to you.
Neleh: Impale it on a dull spear, then tear its still beating heart out of it, and watch it die a slow agonizing death, while you inherit its inner life force. Then bask in the afterglow of sweet death, while you plan your next kill. And kill again you must.


Jeff [stunned]: Wow, you ARE more ruthless than we thought.


Neleh: Oh, heck, it'd be fun, like Disneyland! [giggle]


Jeff: Ok, no points for that one. Question #5: According to Peter, how many holes are there in the human body?

Sean: Eww.
Kathy: That question is so WEIRRRRRD! HAW HAW HAW (she actually writes "HAW HAW HAW")
Vecepia: Eww.
Neleh: Who is Peter?


Jeff: Okay, sorry, that one was just gross. Moving on, here is Question #6: Robert has a tattoo that says "The General." Where is this tattoo located?


Sean: On his little sausage.
Kathy: On his little sausage.
Vecepia: On his arm.
Neleh: Little sausage.


Jeff: Funny, you guys. But it was on his arm. Only Vee gets a point.


Vee: Yes! Thank you, Jesus! [she leaps up and hugs all the members of the jury] Praise Jesus, Jesus is great! [Pumps her fist in the air.]


Jeff [waits for her to finish and sit down]: Okay, we have a new rule here at Tribal Council. NO LEAVING YOUR SEAT TO CELEBRATE!


John [interrupting Jeff]: Hey Jeff, I just got another no-no bite. Can somebody pee on me?


Jeff [ignoring him]: Here is question #7: What was John's nickname on Rotu?


Sean: Johnny Number One
Kathy: Urine Fetish Guy
Vecepia: Johnny Golden Showers
Neleh: Johnny Pans and Pots


Jeff: All those are correct, except for Neleh. Neleh, it was "pots and pans." You got the words backwards, you don't get a point.


Neleh [furious]: That's not fair!


Jeff: I'm sorry.


Neleh: Go heck yourself, motherhecker.


Jeff [glaring at her]: One point for the rest of you. [Vee starts to stand up] Vee, sit DOWN! Celebrate in silence.


[Vecepia pumps her fist quietly, often pointing to her heart and then to the sky]


Jeff: Question #8: Who was the best looking female in Rotu?


Neleh: [writes her own name, in a big heart]
Kathy: KAT! HAW HAW HAW [Once again, writes out "HAW HAW HAW"]
Vecepia: Paschal's Wife
Sean: None


[Tammy snarls and tries to leap at Sean. Her chains restrain her, and her handlers struggle to get her back to a sitting position.]


Sean: That's a RACIST question, Jeff Probst! Why you gotta play that way?


Jeff [ignoring him]: One point for Neleh and Kathy. Question #9: What Branch of the Service was Hunter Ellis in?


Sean: Gina
Kathy: He was such a STUDDDDD!
Vecepia: Navy
Neleh: Being dreamy


Jeff: One point for Vee. Although Sean, that was pretty clever.


Vecepia [pointing to the sky]: Jesus, that was for you! Jesus, we love you, thank you, God! [pumps her fist repeatedly in victory.]


Jeff: Vee, stop it. I'm telling you. Just stop it.


[Vee is insulted. She stands up to leave.]


Jeff: Where are you going?


Vee: Too much DRAMA here! [She walks away and leaves the game]


Kathy: HAW HAW HAW!


Neleh: Oh my heck!


Jeff [looking around to see if someone will tell him how to handle this] Uh... okay. I guess we just go to question #10: Which Maraamu members joined Rotu at the twist?


Sean: Nobody did. We split into three teams.
Neleh: None did. Paschal fell off a horse and broke his collarbone.
Kathy: Sean, Vecepia and Rob.


Jeff: One point for Kathy. The other two were wrong.


Neleh: Heck that.


Sean: That game was racist!


Kathy: HAW HAW HAW!


Jeff: Kathy, you are the winner, you win immunity this week.


Kathy [jumping up and yelling at the top of her voice]: YEAHHHHHHH! YEAHHH BABY! [She runs wildly at Jeff Probst, intending to jump on him and hug him]


[Jeff sees her running at him and his eyes get real wide with fear.]


Jeff: Kathy... no! Kathy... NO! STAY AWAY! [He turns to run away, and she chases him around the jury box. They go round and round] NO JUMPING ON THE HOST! STAY AWAY FROM ME, WOMAN!


Kathy: Come here Jeff! Gimme a HUG! YEAHHHH!!!


Jeff [out of breath from running]: As soon as we get Kathy to calm down we will have our vote! Neleh, you are up first, go find Vee and vote for somebody! [narrowly avoiding Kathy] Burnett, help me! She's crazy, get her away from me!


John [calling out as we fade to commercial]: I'll help you Jeff, but you have to pee on me.


[end]