Pre-Show Confessional

I am so excited it's crazy. I always get excited. It's a bit annoying really...like those small dogs that yip at you when you ring the doorbell. You can't get them to shut up. That's how I feel right now. Like a little dog that can't shut up because they're so excited. I talk fast when I'm nervous. Like now. *laughs*

Basically, I'm in a mad race to finish my book before tomorrow because I want to get some sleep tonight. Well...try to sleep tonight. I won't be able to. No way, no how. I'll try to anyway. I'd take sleeping pills or something, but then I wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning, and that wouldn't be good either. Can you imagine? Jeff will call my name, and I'll either raise my hand, call 'here', or just drool on some poor persons shoulder. How embarassing! So no sleep tonight.

I'll have to eat something too. I get this lump in my throat when I'm about to try something I've never done before. Then my mouth goes dry and I get butterflies...you must know how that is. Anyway, I'll have to force myself to eat. Nothing sounds good. In fact, everything sounds revolting. But I'll kick myself if I don't eat something tomorrow. I'll have to give myself a lecture about being stupid, and not taking advantage of everything while I still have the chance.

The last thing my dad did before I left (he's the one that knows I'm here), is pretty much make me an Eagle Scout. Dad is *obsessed* with scouting. Well...when I say obsessed, I mean obsessed over making his sons, and nephews into eagle scouts. It's proved quite useful, actually. I've been practicing knots on my hair. He taught me basics for fishing, what to use when I don't have any real fishing line and stuff like that. Other things like swimming...techniques for holding my breath and things. I get so panicked when I'm hurrying sometimes I can't hold my breath...so hopefully I can supress my stupid imagination enough to get enough logic out, and enough skill out to make it far.

My biggest fear is that I'll be voted out early. Failure isn't, and has never been, an option for me. I would HATE it if I was voted out first. HATE it. I plan on taking it one step at a time. Make the jury. Make the final five. Final four. Final three...etc. I can't get ahead of myself. People who get ahead of themself eat tribal council dust. That's painful medicine. The key in this game is to stay on your toes. You can never get comfortable with where you are, because as soon as you do, something is bound to change. Bound to.

My biggest downfall will be being too trusting. I associate myself with people I can trust. After a bad sixth grade year of elementary school, I've learned how to make friends...but this will be different. Everyone on this island will want it just as bad as I do...and some won't be willing to play it as ethically as I'm hoping to. There will be Brians that are willing and able to lie to everyone, and still win the game. There will be Jenna's and Heidi's that strip for peanut butter. Ultimately, I have to take things one step at a time. Get to know everyone. Remember who they are, and what they do, or don't do. Allign myself with people I can trust. People who are in it for the long haul.

I keep rehersing to myself everything I've planned on doing. I keep telling myself...don't worry. One step at a time. Meet the people...don't get ahead of yourself. Let them like you. Be careful when starting alliances. Try your hardest. Play the game. Don't ever quit...everything I've learne from watching the past six seasons.

Above all, I'm excited. I can't even believe that I'm here! It doesn't seem real. I've always thought it was something I would like to do..but never something that I thought I would have the guts to do. And now...here I am. Twenty four hours from now I will be in the middle of who knows where with people who will lie to me, be lazy, talk to me, hate me, bash me, love me...and people to whom I will think the same. It will be an interesting trip. May it be a long one: I'm in this for the long haul. There is no way I'm going to sit around and let them pick me off. It isn't over till Jeff says it's over. I don't leave until that fire is gone, and even then they may have to take me crying and screaming. There is ALWAYS a way out.

Talk to you soon ;)

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