Final Words

So here I am. I think my departure will make for a great show. I gave the producers a lot of soundbytes this week about trusting Chris and the pressure that I faced in the game. In all honesty, I kind of knew early on that I wasn't going to win. I knew that Michelle and Chris had gone to Emma and Joni (no matter what they said) and that's when I knew that some of the people here were even more vicious than me. My problem was that I couldn't adapt. I never could. I never wanted to.

I am not upset at all. Ha, screw that. Of course I am. I want everybody to know that nobody played this game harder than I did. I had charts and graphs and stuff in my head at all times. I am the one who thought that Matt/Beth/McD were the biggest Sato threat and I have to smile at that because I was right. I think their absence destroyed any chance I had at Sato because I could not get along with the rest. So by telling Mike to take them, I screwed myself. In fact, I think my need to win is actually what killed me. I became consumed by it. I always knew that I did not want to form any relationships out here. I was certain of that, and it really hurt me in the game. My theory was to make an alliance first, and then build a friendship off of that. The fact of the matter is that you need to actually care about other people, for them to care about you. I never understood that. And prior to this game, I never wanted to. My feelings on Survivor were always cut and dry. No friends (just like NBC). Friends will only cost you because you will be attached into the idea of protecting them. As a result, I saw every other player in this game as a player trying to take my win away from me. They were not actual people to me. Just competition that I wanted to stomp on. And that hurt my game a lot. Even if you don't care about people, you have to make them think that you do.

The funny thing about all of this is that I said that I would not befriend anybody. I actually did. I would not turn on Ryan or Chris. And if I were to go back, I would not turn on Ryan or Chris. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I liked them too much. I respected them too much. That's why the dagger that Chris has placed into my back hurts so much. The blade is poisoned because it came from one of the few people I actually got to know out here. Did he play me? He did indeed. He played me very well. But that's okay. As a player I respect what he did. He did what he had to do to get farther. As a friend? I cannot respect his betrayal. I just can't.

The note is interesting to me. In some ways, I respect Chris and wanted that to come across. In other ways, I wanted it to screw him. I wanted to let Sato know how close we were and to perhaps punish him for it because if he could stab me... he could do it to anyone. I honestly don't know how he is going to stomach those guys for that long.

I came here to entertain, and I think I did that. So to everyone who gets to see my confessionals who played this game, realize I was here only to entertain. I said to Chris early that you have a 1/16 chance of winning, and those are slim odds. I would rather go for the guarantee and that's to make an impact. You have a 1/1 chance of being entertaining. I think I did that.

Ryan and Mike. I want you guys to know that the reason I am here is because I would not turn on you. I would never turn on the 5. I think we all worked too damn hard. That's the reason I am sitting here. I was loyal. Mike, I blame you a lot for not saving me at that tea ceremony. I know I insulted you a lot, but that doesn't matter as long as I voted with you. And I always did. I hope you realize that Chris is the one responsible for this. That's why I ate the turtle. I wanted to show that he ate me (figuratively of course). Ryan, I don't respect anyone in this game more than you and I hope you win. I will be pulling for you. Hanging out with you was the only time I ever had any fun here.

I will always believe Kamiya was the superior tribe. And I would never ever turn on it. Even if it was me and people I didn't really like from Kamiya, I would still stick with them. Sato just didn't stir my coffee. Because Chris killed me in the game, I want to make sure that my Okinawa tombstone will always read "Kamiya born, Kamiya bred... by a Kamiya's hands, Murtz is dead." That's the way I wanted it. Sato is where I spent my last day. But at least I was killed by a Kamiyan.

I don't really care about Amy, Lance, Hogan, or even Joni's vote against me. I was civil to them but I didn't get to really know them so I kind of expected it. But Chris... I can't believe you wrote my name down. I don't think I ever will.

Good luck to everyone still in the game and remember. Murtz always hurts. Oh and Amy... I won't be eating any donuts in loser lodge. I'll ask anyone else if they want my share (smile).

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