The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

Guatemala - Episode 6

"Whenever Judd screws up, Judd makes a big deal about it and tries to make it a whole explosion. So it kind of diffuses the focus on him."
-Margaret Bobonich, Survivor: Guatemala

"Judd's gotta watch his mouth. He gets so pumped up and his mouth works before his brain does. He's gotta stop and think about what he's saying before it comes out of his mouth."
-Cindy Hall, Survivor: Guatemala

You down with A.D.D.? Yeah you know me!

There are really few words that can properly capture the enigma that is Judd Sergeant.

Bombastic? Definitely.

Loud? Sure.

Obnoxious? At times.

The problem with writing about Judd is that you can't use just one word to define him, because there are so many that are just as appropriate. In fact, if you really want to describe Judd to someone who has never seen him, you might as well just take every word that fits... cram them all together into one big long sentence... and then yell it as loudly as you can without the slightest use of punctuation. Just cram everything together, yell it all as loudly as you can, and never take a second to breathe during the entire process. Oh, and then pepper the sentence with repeated uses of the word "man."

After all, that's the exact same way that Judd talks.


Was Judd loud and obnoxious during Guatemala? Hell yeah.

Did Judd intimidate, threaten, and confront the rest of the players throughout the game? Without a doubt.

And were most of the Guatemalans scared to death of the guy whenever he lost his considerable temper?

Well, I don't know about -them-, but I know -I- would have been. Judd screaming at you is a sight that would have terrified most anybody. Especially if you were an English teacher and you hated to hear butchery of the King's English. Because if that were the case, then you really would be terrified to be sitting there when he started to yell, curse, split infinitives, and do lots of other Judd things. As an English teacher, I'm not sure your heart would be able to take it.

"I'm not a damn bad sportsmanship, man!"

All throughout Guatemala, the other players seemed to be scared to death of Judd Sergeant, and it made for one of the more memorable subplots of the entire season. Because here you had this loud, obnoxious ball of gas who loved to scream everything at 450% of the maximum deciblage at all times (actually 420-520%, according to Ted.) Judd loved to yell over people, he loved to rant and rave in onebiglongrunonsentence because he didn't seem to understand the concept of a "period", and he proved to us time and time again that unintentional comedy is often the funniest comedy of all.

Honestly, I can't think of a character in Survivor history that was as funny (without trying to be) as often as Judd in Guatemala. Every bombastic rant cracked me up. Every extraneous threat made me giggle. Every botched attempt to speak English was an invitation for some sort of mockery. It was like Judd was put on earth specifically to entertain us during Survivor. I was never bored for a second during the entire Judd experience, and I have to say there's never really been another character like him. And I don't think there will ever be another one again. Judd Sergeant was just an A+ comedic character all around.

"Judd's an ass."

Sandra, please. This isn't your entry. It's not about you all the time.

So anyway, what was Judd's most definitive moment during Survivor: Guatemala? What was the best collection of Judd-isms that we ever got in one particular scene? Well for my money I think you have to choose his Tribal Council argument with Margaret at the end of the 6th episode. Because not only was this scene flat-out hilarious on so many levels, it also featured five of Judd's most outstanding (and unintentional) comedic traits. And all in the same scene, too. Hooray!


1. Judd speaking over people just because he's louder

2. Judd actually having to be calmed down (aka restrained) because he's so angry

3. Judd butchering the English language by randomly inventing words that don't exist

4. Judd running about six sentences together because he doesn't believe in punctuation

5. And this is my favorite: Judd trying to make an argument, then immediately contradicting himself without even realizing it


This last trait is the my favorite, because I don't think I've seen a human being on earth who's better at contradicting his own argument than Judd Sergeant. He does it over and over again throughout Guatemala, it's the most Judd-ish trait he could possibly have, and it never fails to make me laugh. Judd is the only guy I can think of who would argue in favor of veganism, while at the same time munching on a giant Flintstone-sized piece of beef. And that mental image pretty much sums up the legend of Judd Sergeant as well as anything.

So anyway here is my favorite Judd scene of all time, transcribed word for word. This is Judd's argument with Margaret at Tribal Council, where he goes ballistic and shows all five of the Judd trademarks I listed above. This is his shining moment during Guatemala, it showcases the master of the WPM (words per minute) at the top of his game, and it was an easy choice for the #10 moment on the Funny 115.

By the way, what is the best part of this scene? It's my wife and me at home, debating whether Judd actually knows what "A.D.D." even stands for. I love that he throws out that phrase during an argument, but it's entirely debatable if he knows what the letters even stand for. That's the part of this scene that has always made me crack up. Oh and my vote, of course, is "no."





Judd (third from left) and Margaret (far right) about to have a verbal tussle. Rafe looks pained already.

[The Nakum tribe arrives at Tribal Council, having just faced off in a heated immunity challenge against the villainous Yaxhas. There has been a lot of bad blood between the two tribes up to this point in the game (taunting, gloating, excessive celebrating, etc.), and on top of that Jamie and Bobby Jon just had a big fight at the end of the challenge today. So Jeff jumps right into this "sportsmanship" question at the start of Tribal Council. And he begins by talking to Margaret, who is the most anti-Judd player of them all.]

(Note: Sorry but I don't have the actual screen caps for this moment. I searched all week, but I couldn't find the ones that I wanted. So you'll just have to picture this showdown in your head. Not surprisingly, with Judd this isn't all that hard to do.)

PROBST: Margaret, does this tribe have good sportsmanship? Are you guys good sports?

MARGARET: That's tough, Jeff. Because Judd is very vocal, and Jamie can be very expressive. And they don't hesitate to just blurt it out there. Sometimes you have to control your emotions when you're on the ballfield.

[Judd listens to this comment and starts bouncing up and down in his seat, agitated, like a kid who has to go to the bathroom. He looks like he desperately wants say something to Margaret in response. He also looks, in fact, much like a child who has Aaaay Deeee Deeee.]

PROBST [noticing this]: Judd, you're chomping at the bit. What's on your mind?

JUDD [running his words together into one big long sentence, like always]: I don't know what the heck Margaret is talking about. I mean it's not like we're being bad sportsmanships at all, we just go out there and give it 120 damn percent man, whatever it takes we'll give, and that's what I did today and everybody ate good so no matter what I do I'm givin' it my damn all, man.

PROBST: "Givin' it your damn all" doesn't mean you're a good sport or a bad sport. There's no equal sign between those two words.

JUDD: A win is a win, man. If we did good, man, we're gonna go out there and we're gonna go crazy, man. It's like scoring a touchdown in a football game, and that gives us more motivation to keep goin' and goin' and goin', man. Drive it right to 'em, man, keep drivin' it to 'em. That's what we're doin'. I mean, that's not bad sportsmanship. We just keep drivin' and drivin', man.

[Judd is starting to get a little worked up, so Jamie rubs his shoulders in an attempt to calm him down. It doesn't seem to work.]

JUDD [continuing]: We'll drive that ball all the way damn downfield until we score a touchdown, man.

MARGARET [exasperated]: Judd...

JUDD [interrupting Margaret by just talking over her]: You know what? You probably never played a damn sport in your life anyway, so you don't even know what it's like, man. So, you know, you should just shut up.

[Judd finishes this comment by making a threatening arm gesture towards Margaret, as if he wants to backslap her.]

MARGARET: This is what happens all the time though. When Judd gets vocal, Judd plows over anybody in front of him. He trash-talks anybody he doesn't like. And that's not good sportsmanship! I'm not saying the whole tribe is unsportsmanlike, but I have seen it. Especially from Judd.

[Judd is still fidgeting, angrily, in his seat. Jamie is still trying to get him to relax. Jeff notices this and, of course, has to comment.]

PROBST: Judd, you look like if I would let you, you would go over and strangle Margaret right now.

JUDD [extremely agitated]: I'm just... you know... playin' sports my whole life, man. I wouldn't consider myself a bad sportsmanship. This team that I have here, man, is awesome. I love it, man. Except for Margaret, I love this damn team, man.

Edited to remove a meaningless quote from Cindy. Then the fight resumes.

MARGARET: Judd doesn't listen to anybody. Judd only listens to Judd.

JUDD [interrupting Margaret again by talking over her]: Well let's ask the other team if Judd listens to anybody. Cindy, do I listen to everybody?

CINDY [caught off guard]: Yeah, and I...

JUDD [not listening]: Okay. Rafe, do I listen to everybody?

RAFE [stammering, a little afraid]: I... I honestly think that...

JAMIE [interrupting]: Rafe, have an opinion!

JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: Just say yes or no!

RAFE: I'm saying my opinion right now, you guys...

JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: Steph, when you talk to me, do I listen to you?

STEPHENIE [wisely]: Yes.

JUDD [to Lydia]: Do I listen to you?


JUDD [to Jamie]: Do I listen to you?


JUDD: There ya go.

(Note: This is my second favorite part of the Judd meltdown scene. I love how he asks everybody if he listens to him, but doesn't even wait to listen to their answer. He just interrupts them and moves on to the next person. It's one of the best examples of Judd managing to rebut his very own argument. And it always kills me when he does this. He does stuff like this over and over again, all throughout Guatemala.)

MARGARET: But this is what Judd does. Judd bullies, and he... that's what he does.

JUDD [interrupting]: You're full of it, man. Get outta here.

Edited to remove a meaningless quote from Rafe. Then the fight reaches its apex.

STEPHENIE: I just think Judd's high strung. He's a lot like me. He can't sit still. It's hard for him to keep his...

JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: When I first walked into camp, Margaret's telling me that I have Aaaaay Deeee Deeee. That's how you approach me? That's what you like to say? She comes to camp... [Judd now stands up and points, as if doing an impression of Margaret] You have Aaaaay Deeee Deeee. Do you know dat? [Judd sits down] When you first meet somebody, is that something nice to say? Is that a compliment? I have Aaaaay Deeee Deeee?

MARGARET: The other problem with Judd is that he has a problem with recall.

(Note: This line always kills me. Margaret riffs off a great one-liner like she's Jerry Seinfeld. What she is alluding to is the fact that Danni is the one who said Judd had A.D.D., not her. At least that's what I remember reading in some interview somewhere. Margaret is claiming that Judd has his facts all mixed up. Margaret herself never said anything about Judd having A.D.D.)

JUDD [not listening]: Yeah. Did you or did you not, soon as you saw me, did you tell me that I had Aaaaay Deeee Deeee? Is that true, or is that false? Don't ask me such a stupid question, man.

[Jeff turns to Margaret and she just shrugs, helplessly. She has no idea how she's supposed to respond to this.]

MARGARET: This is what it's like to try to talk to him.

JUDD: Yeah 'cause I don't want to talk to you. And don't talk to me. I won't talk to you, man. That's it.

[At this point Jeff starts to make a comment, but Judd decides he isn't yet finished. So Judd now interrupts the host of the show, by raising his hand and asking to say some more.]

JUDD [interrupting, raising his hand]: Okay Jeff, can I say somethin' first?

PROBST [laughing]: Of course!

Aaaay Deeee Deeee!

So that's the famous A.D.D. fight between Margaret and Judd. It's one of my very favorite Survivor scenes of all time, and I can't thank the producers enough for casting Judd on the show. He was the star of Guatemala every single time he opened his mouth. And I know it doesn't sound like it, but I'm actually a big, big fan of Judd. He was one of my all-time favorite Survivor characters. So do keep in mind that when I make fun of him like this, I'm only doing it out of love. And because he was so freaking entertaining from start to finish. Like I said, Judd Sergeant may have been the most unintentionally funny Survivor character of all time.

A Bad Sportsmanship

P.S. This scene was of course followed by one of my favorite Judd votes of all time, when he voted for Margaret not more than 5 minutes later. "Hey Margaret, if you leave this jungle now, it aint soon enough, man. GET. OUT. NOW!"

P.P.S. Another part of this scene that always makes me laugh is the pained look on Rafe's face every time Judd opens his mouth. Rafe looks so incredibly hurt (or worried), and it's almost like he's afraid that Judd is just going to reach out and kill everybody. In fact I talked about this scene with Rafe once, and I told him how it got my vote as the funniest scene from Guatemala. And Rafe's response to this was classic. He said, "Well... it wasn't funny at the time. It was sort of hard to find Judd funny when you were sitting there right next to him."

P.P.P.S. Did I count the number of "man"s and "damn"s in this scene? To quote Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men, YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DID!!! The final tally for the A.D.D. scene was 17 mans and 5 damns.

In case you were scoring along at home :)

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