The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#10. You have AAAAY DEEEE DEEEE
Guatemala - Episode 6
"Whenever Judd screws up, Judd makes a big deal about it and tries to
make it a whole explosion. So it kind
of diffuses the focus on him."
-Margaret Bobonich, Survivor: Guatemala
"Judd's gotta watch his mouth. He gets so pumped up and his mouth works
before his brain does. He's gotta
stop and think about what he's saying before it comes out of his mouth."
-Cindy Hall, Survivor: Guatemala
You down with A.D.D.? Yeah you know me!
There are really few words that can properly capture the enigma that is
Judd Sergeant.
Bombastic? Definitely.
Loud? Sure.
Obnoxious? At times.
The problem with writing about Judd is that you can't use just one
word to define him, because there are
so many that are just as appropriate. In fact, if you really
want
to describe Judd to someone who has never
seen him, you might as well just take every word that fits... cram them
all together into one big long sentence...
and then yell it as loudly as you can without the slightest use of
punctuation. Just cram everything together,
yell it all as loudly as you can, and never take a second to breathe
during the entire process. Oh, and then pepper
the sentence with repeated uses of the word "man."
After all, that's the exact same way that Judd talks.
"I DON'T LIKE THAT YOU USED THIS DAMN PICTURE IN THIS DAMN ENTRY MAN
SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT OUT DUDE SERIOUSLY
I DON'T LIKE THIS DAMN PICTURE MAN I'M NOT EVEN SMILING SO WHY DON'T
YOU JUST DAMN SHUT UP MAN."
Was Judd loud and obnoxious during Guatemala? Hell yeah.
Did Judd intimidate, threaten, and confront the rest of the players
throughout the game? Without a doubt.
And were most of the Guatemalans scared to death of the guy whenever he
lost his considerable temper?
Well, I don't know about -them-, but I know -I-
would have been. Judd screaming at you is a sight that
would have terrified most anybody. Especially if
you were an English teacher and you hated to hear butchery
of the King's English. Because if that were the case, then you really would
be terrified to be sitting
there when he started to yell, curse, split infinitives, and do lots of
other Judd things. As an English teacher,
I'm not sure your heart would be able to take it.
"I'm not a damn bad sportsmanship, man!"
All throughout Guatemala, the other players seemed to be scared to
death of Judd Sergeant, and it made for one
of the more memorable subplots of the entire season. Because here you
had this loud, obnoxious ball of gas who
loved to scream everything at 450% of the maximum deciblage at all
times (actually 420-520%, according to Ted.) Judd loved to yell over
people, he loved to rant and rave in onebiglongrunonsentence because he
didn't seem to
understand the concept of a "period", and he proved to us time and time
again that unintentional comedy
is often the funniest comedy of all.
Honestly, I can't think of a character in Survivor history that was as
funny (without trying to be) as often as
Judd in Guatemala. Every bombastic rant cracked me up. Every extraneous
threat made me giggle. Every botched
attempt to speak English was an invitation for some sort of mockery. It
was like Judd was put on earth specifically
to entertain us during Survivor. I was never bored for a second during
the entire Judd experience, and I have
to say there's never really been another character like him. And I
don't think there will ever be another one
again. Judd Sergeant was just an A+ comedic character all around.
"Judd's an ass."
Sandra, please. This isn't your entry. It's not about you
all the time.
So anyway, what was Judd's most definitive moment during Survivor:
Guatemala? What was the best collection
of Judd-isms that we ever got in one particular scene? Well for my
money I think you have to choose his Tribal
Council argument with Margaret at the end of the 6th episode. Because
not only was this scene flat-out hilarious
on so many levels, it also featured five of Judd's most outstanding
(and unintentional) comedic traits. And all
in the same scene, too. Hooray!
FIVE JUDD TRADEMARKS THAT ALL SHOW UP DURING THE AAAAY DEEEE DEEEE SCENE:
1. Judd speaking over people just because he's louder
2. Judd actually having to be calmed down (aka restrained) because he's
so angry
3. Judd butchering the English language by randomly inventing words
that don't exist
4. Judd running about six sentences together because he doesn't believe
in punctuation
5. And this is my favorite: Judd trying to make an argument, then
immediately contradicting himself without even
realizing it
I'M TOTALLY AGAINST YELLING! IN FACT I'VE NEVER YELLED IN MY DAMN LIFE,
MAN. SCREW YOU FOR SAYING I YELL A LOT!
This last trait is the my favorite, because I don't think I've seen a
human being on earth who's better at contradicting
his own argument than Judd Sergeant. He does it over and over again
throughout Guatemala, it's the most Judd-ish
trait he could possibly have, and it never fails to make me laugh. Judd
is the only guy I can think of who would
argue in favor of veganism, while at the same time munching on a giant
Flintstone-sized piece of beef. And that
mental image pretty much sums up the legend of Judd Sergeant as well as
anything.
So anyway here is my favorite Judd scene of all time, transcribed word
for word. This is Judd's argument with
Margaret at Tribal Council, where he goes ballistic and shows all five
of the Judd trademarks I listed above. This is his shining moment
during Guatemala, it showcases the master of the WPM (words per minute)
at the top of
his game, and it was an easy choice for the #10 moment on the Funny 115.
By the way, what is the best part of this scene? It's my wife and me at
home, debating whether Judd actually
knows what "A.D.D." even stands for. I love that he throws out that
phrase during an argument, but it's
entirely debatable if he knows what the letters even stand for. That's
the
part of this scene that has always made me crack up. Oh and my vote, of
course, is "no."
Enjoy.
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EPISODE 6 TRANSCRIPT - NAKUM TRIBAL COUNCIL - JUDD HAS A.D.D.
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Judd (third from left) and Margaret (far right) about to have a verbal
tussle. Rafe looks pained already.
[The Nakum tribe arrives at Tribal Council, having just faced
off in a heated immunity challenge against the
villainous Yaxhas. There has been a lot of bad blood between the two
tribes up to this point in the game (taunting,
gloating, excessive celebrating, etc.), and on top of that Jamie and
Bobby Jon just had a big fight at the end
of the challenge today. So Jeff jumps right into this "sportsmanship"
question at the start of Tribal
Council. And he begins by talking to Margaret, who is the most
anti-Judd player of them all.]
(Note: Sorry but I don't have the actual
screen caps for this moment. I searched all week, but I couldn't
find the ones that I wanted. So you'll just have to picture this
showdown in your head. Not surprisingly, with
Judd this isn't all that hard to do.)
PROBST: Margaret, does this tribe have good
sportsmanship? Are you guys good sports?
MARGARET: That's tough, Jeff. Because Judd is very
vocal, and Jamie can be very expressive. And they
don't hesitate to just blurt it out there. Sometimes you have to
control your emotions when you're on the ballfield.
[Judd listens to this comment and starts bouncing up and down
in his seat, agitated, like a kid who has to go
to the bathroom. He looks like he desperately wants say something to
Margaret in response. He also looks, in
fact, much like a child who has Aaaay Deeee Deeee.]
PROBST [noticing this]: Judd, you're chomping at
the bit. What's on your mind?
JUDD [running his words together into one big long sentence,
like always]: I don't know what the heck Margaret
is talking about. I mean it's not like we're being bad sportsmanships
at all, we just go out there and give it
120 damn percent man, whatever it takes we'll give, and that's what I
did today and everybody ate good so no matter
what I do I'm givin' it my damn all, man.
PROBST: "Givin' it your damn all" doesn't mean
you're a good sport or a bad sport. There's no
equal sign between those two words.
JUDD: A win is a win, man. If we did good, man,
we're gonna go out there and we're gonna go crazy, man. It's like
scoring a touchdown in a football game, and that gives us more
motivation to keep goin' and goin' and
goin', man. Drive it right to 'em, man, keep drivin' it to 'em. That's
what we're doin'. I mean, that's not
bad sportsmanship. We just keep drivin' and drivin', man.
[Judd is starting to get a little worked up, so Jamie rubs his
shoulders in an attempt to calm him down. It
doesn't seem to work.]
JUDD [continuing]: We'll drive that ball all the way
damn downfield until we score a touchdown, man.
MARGARET [exasperated]: Judd...
JUDD [interrupting Margaret by just talking over her]:
You know what? You probably never played a damn
sport in your life anyway, so you don't even know what it's like, man.
So, you know, you should just shut up.
[Judd finishes this comment by making a threatening arm
gesture towards Margaret, as if he wants to backslap
her.]
MARGARET: This is what happens all the time though.
When Judd gets vocal, Judd plows over anybody in front
of him. He trash-talks anybody he doesn't like. And that's not good
sportsmanship! I'm not saying the whole
tribe is unsportsmanlike, but I have seen it.
Especially from Judd.
[Judd is still fidgeting, angrily, in his seat. Jamie is still
trying to get him to relax. Jeff notices this
and, of course, has to comment.]
PROBST: Judd, you look like if I would let you,
you would go over and strangle Margaret right now.
JUDD [extremely agitated]: I'm just... you know...
playin' sports my whole life, man. I wouldn't consider
myself a bad sportsmanship. This team that I have here, man, is
awesome. I love it, man. Except for Margaret,
I love this damn team, man.
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Edited to remove a meaningless quote from Cindy. Then the fight resumes.
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MARGARET: Judd doesn't listen to anybody. Judd only
listens to Judd.
JUDD [interrupting Margaret again by talking over her]:
Well let's ask the other team if Judd listens
to anybody. Cindy, do I listen to everybody?
CINDY [caught off guard]: Yeah, and I...
JUDD [not listening]: Okay. Rafe, do I listen to
everybody?
RAFE [stammering, a little afraid]: I... I honestly
think that...
JAMIE [interrupting]: Rafe, have an opinion!
JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: Just say yes
or no!
RAFE: I'm saying my opinion right now, you guys...
JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: Steph, when you
talk to me, do I listen to you?
STEPHENIE [wisely]: Yes.
JUDD [to Lydia]: Do I listen to you?
LYDIA: Yes.
JUDD [to Jamie]: Do I listen to you?
JAMIE: Yes.
JUDD: There ya go.
(Note: This is my second favorite part of the Judd
meltdown scene. I love how he asks everybody if he
listens to him, but doesn't even wait to listen to their answer. He
just interrupts them and moves on to the next
person. It's one of the best examples of Judd managing to rebut his
very own argument. And it always kills me
when he does this. He does stuff like this over and over again, all
throughout Guatemala.)
MARGARET: But this is what Judd does. Judd
bullies, and he... that's what he does.
JUDD [interrupting]: You're full of it, man. Get
outta here.
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Edited to remove a meaningless quote from Rafe. Then the fight reaches
its apex.
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STEPHENIE: I just think Judd's high strung. He's a
lot like me. He can't sit still. It's hard for him
to keep his...
JUDD [interrupting, not listening]: When I first
walked into camp, Margaret's telling me that I have Aaaaay
Deeee Deeee. That's how you approach me? That's what you like
to say? She comes to camp... [Judd now
stands up and points, as if doing an impression of Margaret]
You have Aaaaay Deeee Deeee. Do you know
dat? [Judd sits down] When you first meet somebody, is that something
nice to say? Is that a compliment? I
have Aaaaay Deeee Deeee?
MARGARET: The other problem with Judd is that he
has a problem with recall.
(Note: This line always kills me. Margaret riffs
off a great one-liner like she's Jerry Seinfeld. What
she is alluding to is the fact that Danni is the
one who said Judd had A.D.D., not her. At least that's
what I remember reading in some interview somewhere. Margaret is
claiming that Judd has his facts all mixed up. Margaret herself never
said anything
about Judd having A.D.D.)
JUDD [not listening]: Yeah. Did you or did you
not, soon as you saw me, did you tell me that I had Aaaaay
Deeee Deeee? Is that true, or is that false? Don't ask me
such a stupid question, man.
[Jeff turns to Margaret and she just shrugs, helplessly. She
has no idea how she's supposed to respond to this.]
MARGARET: This is what it's like to try to talk to
him.
JUDD: Yeah 'cause I don't want to talk to you. And
don't talk to me. I won't talk to you, man. That's
it.
[At this point Jeff starts to make a comment, but Judd decides
he isn't yet finished. So Judd now interrupts
the host of the show, by raising his hand and asking to say some more.]
JUDD [interrupting, raising his hand]: Okay Jeff,
can I say somethin' first?
PROBST [laughing]: Of course!
Aaaay Deeee Deeee!
So that's the famous A.D.D. fight between Margaret and Judd. It's one
of my very favorite Survivor scenes of all
time, and I can't thank the producers enough for casting Judd on the
show. He was the star of Guatemala every
single time he opened his mouth. And I know it doesn't sound like it,
but I'm actually a big, big fan of Judd. He was one of my all-time
favorite Survivor characters. So do keep in mind that when I make fun
of him like this,
I'm only doing it out of love. And because he was so freaking
entertaining from start to finish. Like I said,
Judd Sergeant may have been the most unintentionally funny Survivor
character of all time.
A Bad Sportsmanship
P.S. This scene was of course followed by one of my favorite Judd votes
of all time, when he voted for Margaret
not more than 5 minutes later. "Hey Margaret, if you leave this jungle
now, it aint soon enough, man. GET.
OUT. NOW!"
P.P.S. Another part of this scene that always makes me laugh is the
pained look on Rafe's face every time Judd
opens his mouth. Rafe looks so incredibly hurt (or worried), and it's
almost like he's afraid that Judd is just
going to reach out and kill everybody. In fact I talked about this
scene with Rafe once, and I told him how it
got my vote as the funniest scene from Guatemala. And Rafe's response
to this was classic. He said, "Well...
it wasn't funny at the time. It was sort of hard to
find Judd funny when you were sitting there right next
to him."
P.P.P.S. Did I count the number of "man"s and "damn"s in this scene? To
quote Colonel Jessup
from A Few Good Men, YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DID!!!
The final tally for the A.D.D. scene was 17 mans
and 5 damns.
In case you were scoring along at home :)
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