Frank Garrison
The Funny 115
#107. Frank plays a sex game
Africa - Episode 7
This moment is absolutely classic.
Frank Garrison from Africa is another character I could have listed
under the "kings of unintentional comedy."
The guy had so many bizarre moments during the season, and so many
weirdly-phrased quotes, that he's always been
one of my favorite characters. I really had no idea what he was talking
about half the time... and that's saying
something when you consider that the completely unintelligible Tom
Buchanan was a cast member in the same season.
And I have to say that, honestly, sometimes Tom was a little easier to
understand.
Frank Garrison
For those of you who didn't see Africa, here's a little backstory.
Frank Garrison was a retired military man with
an extreme (and I do mean extreme) conservative streak. He was a member
of the NRA, he had little to no tolerance
for gays or liberals of any sort, and he was extremely gruff or bossy
if he thought you weren't pulling your weight.
Oh yes and he was also extremely anti-social. He didn't seem to enjoy
socializing, he really had no idea how to
relate to other people, and he even avoided the other players at the
post-merge feast celebration just so he could
go out and gather firewood.
In other words he was pretty much the ultimate Survivor buzzkill.
It may sound like I'm making fun of Frank, but I'm really not. In truth
I liked him on the show very much (and
I'm actually a lot like him in several ways). But I just found it
fascinating how far Frank would go out of his
way not to have to deal with other people. He'd do anything to avoid
socializing, he was incredibly stiff and formal,
and (like Matthew von Ertfelda) he just didn't seem to speak the same
language as the other players. Oh, the words
were coming out in English of course, but they just didn't seem to come
out right. That's really the only way I
can describe it. In fact, some of the comments Frank made during Africa
were so bizarre and were worded so strangely
that I've never really forgotten them. Four years later, and I can
still recite the best Frank quotes almost off
the top of my head.
Silas: Hey Frank, is Linda solid?
Frank: She's so solid she's buried in the bottom of
Hoover Dam.
Kim: Hey Frank, what branch of the service were you
in?
Frank: I was in the American branch. It's called
"freedom."
(When Samburu is trying to make fire and the younger members
complain that it's a lot of work)
Frank: I spent nine months of softness in my
mother's womb. Everything else after that's hard when you come
out.
Keep in mind that Frank wasn't trying to be funny in any of these
quotes. That's just the way that the guy talks.
So you can see why it was so funny when the Moto Majis tried to get him
to play a sex game in episode seven of
Survivor: Africa.
It happened right after the merge and the Moto Majis were having
themselves a feast. Food had been delivered, the
players were celebrating and joking around, and the wine was flowing
liberally around camp. Everybody was having
a great time. Well, except for Frank that is. Frank was off gathering
wood somewhere because he wasn't interested
in sitting down and joking around. That just wasn't a very Frank thing
to do.
Frank enjoying himself at the Moto Maji celebration feast
The rest of the tribe was having a great time at the party, and they
soon turned to a pseudo-sex game called "I
Never." The purpose of this game was to say something you've never
done, and then everybody else on the tribe
had to go around in a circle and admit if they actually had. You know,
such as "I've never had a threesome,"
or "I've never done it on an airplane," or "I've never done it on a
boat, I've never done it with
a goat." You know, that type of thing. Everybody's stories were
expected to be a little bit dirty, and it
was more or less just a big icebreaker.
Anyway here comes Frank walking by, and one of the Moto Majis gets the
bright idea that they should ask the guy
to play. So they call him over and explain the rules, and tell him he
has to say something he's never done. Kim
Powers tells him that it has to be something true, and Frank seems to
understand this concept. So he tries his
best to give them something juicy they can all play around with.
"I've never broken the honor of a handshake."
There's this wonderful pause after he says this because nobody on the
tribe is sure how they're supposed to react.
Is Frank joking? Is he just messing with them? And then it becomes
clear that no he is not trying to be funny.
That was the most risque thing he could come up with. Frank seems to
realize they were waiting for more, so he
quickly adds, "It's just a golden rule I was brought up to live by."
And the reaction of everybody when
they finally respond is priceless.
"Oh good job, Frank."
"That's great."
"Yeah, good one."
"That was a really good answer."
"I'm very respectful of that."
So Frank wanders off to go gather some more wood and maybe go play with
an elephant, and the sex game continues
without him. Only this time, nobody asks Frank if he wants to
participate anymore.
Great moment.
"I've never broken the honor of a handshake."
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