The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#12. Lill turns into a badass
Pearl Islands - Finale
Ha ha. I love this moment.
In many ways, the fall of Jon Dalton in Pearl Islands is even better
than the falls of Silas Gaither and John Carroll.
Because while Silas and John may have asked for everything they got,
and may have been the recipients of unbelievable
karmatic butt-kickings, the fact remains that Silas and John were not
going out of their way just to be
the villains. Sure, they may have have ended up being villains on the
show, but you know as well as I do
that neither one of them were actually trying to be the bad guy. They
more or less just got caught up in their
own power, they made boastful claims that no rational human being would
ever say, and that's what made it funny
when Mistress Fate came along and took a big old steaming dump on both
of their heads.
D'oh!
D'oh!
Silas and John had funny exits because both of them were so richly
deserved. They were beaten, they were embarrassed,
and they made for two of the most memorable Survivor episodes of all
time. But I have to say that... in my mind...
their downfalls were nothing compared to that of
Pearl Island's Jon Dalton. Because Jon wasn't just toppled,
Jon was flat-out humiliated. He was humiliated on national television,
it happened at a point in the game where
he realistically had a very good shot at victory, and it came at the
hands
of this woman, who was possibly the biggest
sad sack whine-dog we've ever seen in the first twelve seasons of the
show:
I am woman, hear me mope.
Jon's downfall at the hands of Lill "Boo Hoo" Morris has to be one of
the most humiliating things that
has ever happened to a player on Survivor. It was so humiliating, in
fact, that I would have been mortified had
it happened to any other player beside Jon. If Rupert, or Burton, or
Savage, or practically anybody had
been bitchslapped by Lill in front a national TV audience, I would have
been embarrassed for them. And no way
would it ever have made it to the Funny 115. That would have just been
too cruel.
But because it happened to Jon?
Fucking hilarious.
I mean look at it. Here's a guy who goes out of his way specifically to
become the single most evil villain in
Survivor history. He goes into the show with a master plan, he plays
his evil wrestler gimmick to the very hilt,
and he treats the game as his own personal joke for 37 days. Jon mocks
people. Jon abuses people. Jon turns people
into fools. And he laughs with diabolical glee every single step of the
way. I mean, his treatment of Lill alone
was borderline abusive. Jon was so awful to Lill during the game that
he practically gave her a nervous breakdown. And did he did feel bad
about it? Of course he didn't! Jon went into the show intending to be
the
villain. He expected
to leave the show as an enormously hated uber-villain, and I always
gave
him props for even
attempting to pull off something like that. Being known as "the first
actual Survivor
villain" takes a lot of balls,
and I always appreciated the zeal with which he went about
accomplishing this task.
If anybody ever deserved a humiliating fall at the
end, you knew it had to be Jon. There's no way a super
villain can exist without some sort of enormous comeuppance at the end.
That's basic storytelling 101, and I had
to laugh at the way it naturally took care of itself during Pearl
Islands. Jon uses and abuses people for 37 days,
Jon comes ever so close to a million dollar check, and then he gets his
ass handed to him by Lill (his favorite
punching bag) at the very last stage of the game. I don't know about
you, but this storyline made me laugh my ass
off. In fact it couldn't have been scripted any more perfectly if you
had tried. If I was a Survivor producer I
would be dreaming about a story arc like this. And
I'd want it to come along every season.. Super villain
comes along, super villain comes ever so close, then super villain gets
humiliated by the "hearts and flowers"
lady in front a national TV audience. There's no way to describe that
storyline
other than "perfect."
The agony of defeat
(NOTE: Lest ye feel bad for Jon Dalton, please
remember a little supervillain psychology 101. The best
thing that can ever happen to a villain is that he suffers a
humiliating defeat. A really outstanding villain
can't win in the end, otherwise it ruins their storyline. Because if a
villain ends up winning, then people might
actually start applauding and cheering him. And what happens is you end
up with a villain that can somehow turn
into an anti-hero. Sort of like Godzilla the second time around, when
the people of Tokyo were actually cheering
him. So anyway all I'm saying is that a humiliating defeat was the best
possible thing that ever could have
happened to Jonny Fairplay. Sure, he might not see
it this way (or maybe he does), but if you want to be
the most hated player in the history of the game, you definitely need
some sort of comeuppance at the end to give
your storyline its appropriate arc. And like I said, Jon's downfall
couldn't have worked out more perfectly if
you had tried to script it. It was just one of those rare instances in
Survivor where the storyline worked out
exactly like it was supposed to.)
In Pearl Islands we had the perfect doomed hero storyline (Rupert). And
we also had the perfect evil villain storyline
(Jon). Things like that don't happen very often in Survivor, let alone
during the very same season, and
this is the main reason that Pearl Islands is by far my favorite season
of all time. It's so much more epic than
the other seasons that honestly, no other one even comes close. I loves
me some Pearl Islands, and I've never
been ashamed to admit it. I hope that after reading the Funny 115, you
guys will appreciate Pearl Islands too.
I especially hope you appreciate Jon's overall story arc. Remember, it
ended exactly the way it was supposed to.
So anyway, here's my recap of one of the most perfect downfalls in
Survivor history. Jon against Lill, in the
final three immunity challenge in Pearl Islands. Jon is one step away
from victory, yet he gets his ass handed
to him by a woman who barely knows what Survivor is. Let alone how to
actually win it. Oh yeah, and Lill also
happens to be the player that Jon has most often abused throughout the
game. So you'll probably understand it
when I say, "ha ha ha ha ha!"
This scene not only cracked me up, it also cracked
up Sandra and Jeff as it was going on (as you'll see).
They knew a humiliating downfall when they saw one. They knew they were
watching comedy gold.
So let's begin...
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It's the Pearl Islands finale and Jon Dalton is one step away from
becoming the next Survivor millionaire. And
even though his tactics have been questionable (and his ethics
downright despicable) along the way, Jon has managed
to wiggle out of trouble time and time again due to his considerable
skill at manipulation and deceit. All things
considered, Jon Dalton has probably been one of the best players ever
to play the game. And that's saying something
when you consider the fact that he can't weigh more than 95 pounds.
In truth, Jon should have been dead meat at the final four. There was
no possible way he ever should have
survived that vote. He had been outnumbered by three women (Sandra,
Darrah, Lill), they all hated his guts, none
of them trusted a word that came out of his mouth, and Jon was about as
likely to win immunity as he was to dunk
a basketball. In reality there was no possible way Fairplay should have
made it past the final four. No. Frigging. Way.
Like hell. I'm too good!
But Jon made it past the final four. And to this day I still don't know
how he did it. He got the women to turn
on Darrah instead, he weaseled his way into the final three, and it was
the single most impressive "escape
act" I've ever seen on Survivor. Fairplay escaped sure death at the
final four, he lived to fight another
day, and he was now one small step away from standing in front of a
jury, with a very legitimate chance to win
a million dollars.
Now all he had to do was get past the final three immunity challenge.
The final Pearl Islands immunity challenge
Now, of course Jon wasn't the best athlete in the world. So "winning
immunity" wasn't always exactly
his cup of tea. But one look at his competition for this challenge told
him this wasn't going to be as Herculean
a task as it might appear on paper. Because in order to get to
the final two, all Jon had to do was beat
these two people in the final challenge:
A woman who could neither run, walk, swim, nor balance.
And a woman who burst into tears at least 73 times per day.
So Jon had to win immunity. And Sandra and Lill were his only
competition? Are you kidding me? And it wasn't
as if Jon had to even actually win the challenge outright.
All he had to do was outlast one of these freaks, then
cut a deal with the other one, to ensure that both of them made it to
the final two. It was the exact same
thing Jon had been doing all along, he knew exactly
the types of buttons he had to push with these women,
and he was particularly confident he would be able to make it to the
final two. Jonny Fairplay was a far smarter
player than Sandra or Lill, and he knew it. These girls had never come
close to outplaying him before, and he
knew they weren't about to start outplaying him today.
All he had to do was outlast one of them and then cut a deal.
It couldn't be more easy than that.
Final showdown
The immunity challenge on day 38 revolved around balance, and was
"based on an old pirate torture method",
according to Jeff Probst. Basically the players would have to balance
on rickety old crates in the middle of
the ocean. They had to squat there as long as they could, fighting the
waves and the movement of the sea, and
the last person left standing would win immunity. It would all come
down to who could balance themselves on the
ocean the best.
Lill in mid-squat. Note the new variant of "The Lill Face."
So the challenge begins, and immediately John starts to struggle. You'd
think he would be good at balance, being
so small and close to the ground and all, but this challenge is just
not his cup of tea. He starts shaking and
wobbling and struggling for balance almost immediately.
Jon hanging on for dear life
At the fifteen minute mark, Jeff asks how the players are doing. Sandra
and Jon are obviously struggling, and
Jon is the first to admit it. He tells Jeff that he's having a hard
time with this challenge.
"I'm feelin' it. My feet are numb already."
And this where the challenge starts to get funny. Because when Lill
hears Jon admit to feeling numb, she decides
to start playing with his head. I have no idea where this side of Lill
came from, we'd never seen the slightest
hint of her being a bad-ass before, but now she all of a sudden starts
playing mind games with Jonny Fairplay. The biggest sad sack in
Survivor history decides to start playing psy-ops (psychological
warfare) with her struggling
diminutive foe.
"Jeff, you know I'm feeling pretty darn good. No pain. A little
numbness, maybe, but no pain."
Like I said, I have no idea where this side of Lill came from, but now
all of a sudden she's a killer. This poor
little woman that Jon has been mocking and speaking down to all game
has suddenly shed her fragile and hapless
alter ego.
In the matter of an instant, Lillian Morris and her copious tears are
no more. She has somehow transformed into
a creature far more powerful. Because Jonny Fairplay all of a sudden
isn't up against "Sad, crying Lill"
any more. All of a sudden, now he's up against... Balance Woman.
Grrrrrrr.
So it's been established that Lill is going to start messing with Jon's
head. And nowhere is this more evident
than a few minutes later, when Sandra suddenly topples and falls down
on her shaky platform. The Lippiest Mother
in Survivor History is suddenly eliminated from the contest, and that
means the contest is now down to two.
"Motherfucker, I fell!"
Sandra falls, and Jon knows this is the opening he has been looking
for. So he wastes no time in immediately trying
to cut a deal. He turns to Lill, and this is what he says:
"Lill, you want to make a deal? Right now?"
Jon expects her to say yes (as the old Lill would have done). But the
New Lill surprises him by immediately cutting
him off. In fact not only does Lill smack him down and tell him to shut
up, she actually does it with a bit
of attitude. And it's funny as hell. Following is a transcript of their
actual exchange:
JON: Lill, you want to make a deal? Right now?
LILL: No, sir!
JON: (stunned): You're crazy!
LILL: My daughter wants to be a doctor.
(Note: I've never particularly understood Lill's
response here. And apparently Jon has the same reaction. Because he
immediately shifts the tone in his line of questioning now.)
JON: (after a short, confused pause): Do you
understand how the...
LILL: (cutting him off): Jon, don't talk to me.
JON: (now angry and frustrated, as if talking to a small
child): DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW DEALS WORK, LILL?
LILL: Shut up.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW DEALS WORK, LILL?"
Sandra is amused by Jon's inability to cut a deal
Even Probst is laughing at him now
It's apparent that Jon is getting nowhere with this tactic, and he's
starting to get visibly frustrated. He honestly
can't believe that this moron doesn't understand the concept of cutting
a deal. I don't think the idea has even
crossed his mind that Lill just wants to stick it to him and kick his
ass in the final challenge. Jon doesn't
seem to be aware she is capable of actually thinking like that. He
still talks to her like she's a moronic child. So now Jon tries a new
tactic in trying to cut his beloved deal. He starts trying to explain
this concept using
simple, pedestrian logic.
JON: Lill, if you give me immunity, I will take
you to the final two. That's what a deal is.
LILL: And if you trust me then
you'll jump in.
JON (after a short pause): Well... I don't know that
I can trust you.
LILL: Then drop it.
"Looks like you're gonna have to win it on your own, Jon."
Jon's first attempts to cut a deal all meet with repeated failure. But
Jon Dalton didn't get this far in the game
by being the type of person who gives up in the face of adversity. No
way. And when the 30 minute mark comes
along, Jon starts right back up with trying to make that elusive deal.
Jon tries to cut a deal - Part 2
JON: Lill, who do you want to go against in the
final two?
LILL: How many people have you screwed over, Jon?
JON: (after a short pause) Everyone in the game.
And this is where Lill really starts kicking it into overdrive. Because
once she hears Jon admit that he's screwed
everybody over, she decides she's going to start taunting him. And she
starts trash-talking him like she suddenly
turned into Muhammad Ali. It's one of funniest dialogue exchanges I
have
ever seen on Survivor, and it's especially
funny when you realize these words are coming from the artist formerly
known as Boo Hoo Lill.
Lill starts talking smack
LILL: Do you know what? I do aerobics. My knees
are great.
JON: Uh, okay.
LILL: My ankles are great.
JON: Okay.
LILL: These are called squats in
aerobics.
JON: Okay. Alright.
JEFF (to Jon): I think Lill just said 'Game on.'
JON: (after a quick, defeated pause)
I think Lill just said 'Game over.'
Jon suddenly realizes he's in deep shit. There's no way he is going to
be able to win this.
Sandra still laughing at Jon's predicament
Jeff is still cracking up too
And this is where we reach the inevitable conclusion. Jon
(surprisingly) manages to hang in this thing for another
hour and a half, at which point he desperately tries to cut a deal for
the third, and ultimately final, time.
JON: Ready for a deal?
LILL: I'm not gonna deal.
JON (now desperate): I'll give you immunity, if you
take me to the final two.
LILL: I'm not gonna promise you anything.
JON (frustrated): Well then... well... then...
that's not a deal, Lill!
LILL: Well I'm not gonna do it
then.
Fairplay's last stand
Lill hasn't moved in 2 hours. She is like a piece of iron.
Sandra still thinks this is funny as hell
It's 45 minutes later, and Jon is now in excruciating pain. He knows
the end is near.
And that's when it finally happens....
Fairplay collapses. Jonny Fairplay is no more.
Lill! Wins immunity!
All hail Xena, Warrior Princess!
Did I just lose Survivor to fucking Lill?
And this marks the end of the notorious Survivor villain, Jonny
Fairplay.
Lill kicked his butt in the final immunity
challenge, Lill voted him out later that night at Tribal Council, and
that was that.
So much for my dreams
So why were the last moments of Jonny Fairplay so fitting (and so
funny)? Well for the most part it was because
of the way he lost. You see, Jon Dalton was such a good player, and
such an evil little piss ant, that he basically
made a mockery out of the game for 37 days in the Pearl Islands. He
treated people like crap, he made outrageous
lies and character assassinations that nobody else would have ever
dreamed up, and he mocked and mimicked his fellow
tribesmates without the slightest bit of remorse. He was the most evil
player the show had ever seen, he was
the most devious player the show had ever seen, heck he even killed a
fictitious grandmother just to get himself
that much closer to a million dollars!
Jon did everything he could to win this game. He
broke every rule he could possibly think of, and then
he got his ass kicked on national TV by this woman,
who was previously best-known for the fact that she
wore white cotton panties with a boy scout uniform.
The Conqueror
I loved the ending of Pearl Islands. I loved the fact that Jon got
spanked on
the last day by Lill. And I loved the fact
that she trash-talked him right down to the bitter (yet amusing) end.
So way to go, Lill. I wasn't always the
biggest fan of yours during Survivor: Pearl Islands,
but at the end, against Fairplay, I couldn't have been
rooting for you more. The way you smacked down that evil little
halfling was
fricking hilarious.
Lill's crowning achievement
P.S. Like I said, a true super villain can only become a legend if they
suffer a humiliating defeat. Because
in many ways, uber-villains are sort of like Jedis. They never really
become legends until you first strike them
down in combat. That's really the only way a villain's story arc is
supposed to work out, and that's the only
way they can achieve 100% pure villainhood. So, like I said, the loss
at Lill's hands was probably the best thing
that ever could have happened to Jonny Fairplay. Losing Pearl Islands
allowed him to become the
greatest reality TV villain of all time.
P.P.S. Boy Scout uniform and panties? Uh, no.
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