The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#17. ATTACK ZONE!
Thailand - Episode 3
Yay, it's finally time to write about Robbbb Z and THE ATTACK
ZONE! I have been waiting a long time for
this moment to come up on the list. In fact, this may be my single
favorite challenge in Survivor history.
For starters, we haven't seen nearly enough Robbbb Z. on this list in a
while. He popped up twice back in the
100's, but we had a big Robbbb-less drought in the middle there, and I
think we all felt it in one way or another. Not having Robbbb on the
list is bad for business, so it's good to see him pop up once again in
the top 20. And
here he is, the Z-man himself, in one of his greatest (lowest?) moments
from the Thailand season.
So welcome back to the Funny 115, Robbbb.
We *sniff* really sort of missed you around here.
Robbbb
The ATTACK ZONE reward challenge took place in the
third episode of Survivor: Thailand. And on
paper, it appeared to be nothing special. It was basically just an
obstacle course where the tribes were expected
to walk across wooden beams, retrieve baskets from a boat, and bring
said baskets back to the rest of their tribe. First tribe to retrieve
ten baskets wins. In other words, it looked like every other Thailand
lame-ass challenge
snooze-fest. You see, Survivor: Thailand was
notorious for its mental and unorthodox (ie, boring) challenges. And on
paper this piece of crap basket-grab suckfest looked pretty much just
like more of the same.
The floating obstacle course used for the challenge
On paper this challenge looked like a snooze-fest. And the producers
probably knew this, too. So what they decided
to do (God bless them!) was to amp up the intensity a little bit, just
to give the challenge a little more "bite." The producers wanted the
players to give it their all in this challenge, they wanted to see some
actual heat between
the two tribes, and they wanted to see what would happen when you
introduced testosterone to a physical
challenge on Survivor.
And how did the producers hope to accomplish this on such a boring
challenge?
Easy, they added an ATTACK ZONE!
The ATTACK ZONE
What is an ATTACK ZONE, you ask? Well, according to
my dictionary, it is "A place on the challenge
course where two players are allowed to beat the shit out of one
another, using any method possible." Basically it is a spot
on the course where two players are allowed to engage in ritualistic
hand-to-hand combat. And the producers actually put one of these into
an actual Survivor challenge. How exciting! How revolutionary! How
gratuitously violent and unnecessary! It was perfect!
There had never been physical combat in a Survivor challenge before the
ATTACK ZONE in Survivor: Thailand.
And I have to say it was one of the single best enhancements they have
ever made to the game. Because without the
ATTACK ZONE in episode three, we never would have
seen Survivor moments quite like these:
Ted headbutts Robb Zbacnik in the testicles
Ken tosses Helen into the water
Good versus evil. A New York City police officer (Ken) takes on a
sociopathic puppy shooter (Brian)
Robb treats Clay like the little bitch that he is
Jed with a flying shoulder block on the puppy shooter
Big Ted squares off against Little Shii Ann
Brian prepares to take care of Soo Yee (Sinjo?)
The ATTACK ZONE experiment certainly made the
challenge a lot more exciting, but would you say it was altogether
successful? On one hand, the entire challenge ended up being a dud
because the Sook Jais all got disqualified
for "using excessive violence." So Chuay Gahn (an older, weaker, team)
was able to waltz their way to
an easy victory. So in terms of it being a competitive
challenge, you would have to say the attack zone
was an utter and complete failure. Once all the Sook Jais got
themselves disqualified, there really wasn't much
of a challenge left for anybody to watch.
Busted! Ken gets disqualified for attacking Helen outside of the ATTACK
ZONE
Busted! Robb is disqualified for tossing Clay halfway across the lake
Busted! Stephanie gets tossed for throwing sulfuric acid into Ted's
face
Busted! Jed is disqualified for hitting Brian over the head with a
metal folding chair
In terms of this being a competitive challenge, you would have to call
this challenge a complete flop. But in terms of it being
a memorable Survivor moment, well, you would be
hard-pressed to find any challenge that people
remember
better than the first ATTACK ZONE. This challenge
was
so memorable, and so entertaining, that people still
talk about it in glowing and reverential terms to this day. Because in
many ways, it's as if Survivor never truly
began until the producers finally allowed the players to start beating
up on one another. And it all started with
this challenge, in the third episode of Survivor: Thailand.
This is where the physical violence all began.
So in terms of "generating some buzz for the show" and "kicking the
game up a few notches in intensity",
I can't see how you'd qualify the ATTACK ZONE as
anything other than a complete and smashing success. In
fact, this challenge generated so much buzz that
the producers decided to allow more ATTACK ZONE
challenges in later seasons as well. And the ones in Pearl Islands
(Tijuana body slams Jon!), Palau (Angie, stop
trying to drown me!) and All-Stars (Boston Rob kills everyone) were all
particularly memorable as well.
Well, except for the part where Richard attacked with his penis. That
part I
think we would all like to forget.
Grindy McGee
As for me, I think every Survivor challenge should in some way feature
an ATTACK ZONE. And I'm being completely
serious when I say this. Just give the players the option to beat the
crap out of one another, even in something
as benign as a lowly puzzle challenge. Don't you think it would make
the game more exciting if someone lost immunity
just because Jonny Fairplay hit them over the head with a megaphone?
Wouldn't that generate killer buzz for the
show every week? I don't see any possible drawbacks to this idea. In
fact it's an idea I've been proposing for
a long time. Put ATTACK ZONES in every single
challenge on Survivor. Even put them in the endurance challenges. Why
not? You could even put them in the family visits if you wanted to. I
mean, who wouldn't want to see Big
Tom and Bucky Bo square off against the Mariano family in the family
visit ATTACK ZONE? Or maybe Brian
squaring off against C.C. Would you want to see that? Of course
you would! So why haven't the producers
run with this idea yet? There's no possible way it could lose!
(NOTE: This is item #6 in Mario's list of "ways we
can make Survivor more like pro wrestling." I'll post that list in its
entirety some other day. All I'll say for now is that #7 on the list is
"Hire
Jesse 'The Body' Ventura to do all challenge commentary.")
The new host of Mario's upgraded ultra-violent Survivor. Jesse always
tells it like it is.
So anyway that's the story of the Thailand ATTACK ZONE.
The producers wanted to introduce more violence
to the game, they put a spot on the course where players could pound
one another to a pulp (using any means necessary!),
and the Sook Jais got so excited that they took it too far and all got
themselves disqualified. It's the same
story you've heard thousands of times before. In fact, it's kind of
like the mythological story of Prometheus
and the fire. Only if Zeus were Mark Burnett, the fire was an attack
zone, and Prometheus was Robb Zbacnik. And if Prometheus got
head-butted in the balls by Big Ted. Other than that the parallels are
quite eerie.
Ow! My 'nads!
HA!
You thought I was gonna end the ATTACK ZONE section
without talking about Robbbb versus Clay, didn't you? Shyeah, right.
And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Like I would possibly ignore my
favorite moment from the entire Thailand
season. I really wish you
guys would have more faith in me.
So here's the recap. Of a scene that never, ever, EVER
fails to make me laugh. Enjoy.
My favorite Survivor picture ever
It's the ATTACK ZONE challenge in Thailand, and
high-strung Robbbb Zbacnik is a little keyed up for his
own good. The fact that he can pummel other players (without
punishment) has overstimulated him quite a bit, and
Robbb has taken this opportunity to turn into sort of a... how do you
say it... a dick.
Robb smirks with delight when he hears the rules of the new ATTACK
ZONE
Robb loves him some ATTACK ZONE
As expected, Robb gets way too excited by the
prospect of unsupervised violence, and Robb ends up taking
things way too far. And what is the big jackass
move that ends up getting Robbb in trouble? Well it happens
when he meets Clay in the center of the dreaded ATTACK ZONE.
Robb bum-rushes the little man
Now, keep in mind that Robb is a twenty-something strong young athlete
in peak physical condition. And then keep
in mind that Clay is fifty years old, four feet tall, and weighs about
a buck twenty. On paper, this match can't
possibly end well. Because no matter what happens, Robb is likely to
pummel this little toad right down into
the bamboo platform.
Instead of batting Clay hand-to-hand, Robbbb is so amped up by his
surplus of testosterone that he actually grabs
the diminutive Clay Jordan by the throat. He actually grabs
the little dude around the throat! Clay lets
out a wounded gurgle, Robbbbb tosses him headfirst into the water, and
it's one of the most memorable images in
Survivor history.
And stay down!
So Robb tosses Clay into the water. And Clay and the Chuay Gahns
immediately start yelling in protest.
The Chuay Gahns protest Robb's maneuver. You can't throw people out by
the throat!
I love the fact that Jeff actually disqualifies Robb twice. Once for
choking Clay like a rag doll, and the second
time because Robb wasn't even standing in the ATTACK ZONE
when he did it in the first place. And also because of the fact
that Clay is now dead.
By the way, it's safe to say that Robb isn't particularly pleased when
he finds out he's been disqualified from
the rest of the challenge. See below.
Jeff disqualifies Robb for using the old O.J. Simpson maneuver
Robb and his concave torso can't believe it
Yeah but I was standing in the ATTACK
ZONE!
Robb protests the decision while swimming back to his team. He also
calls Clay a whiny little baby.
Robb issues a formal protest by giving two middle fingers to Jeff
Probst
It's now minutes later, and Robb is still steaming
over the
fact that he got disqualified
Robbb's disqualification is really where the challenge ends for the
testosterone-laden Sook Jais. Because once
Robbb gets himself disqualified, the rest of his teammates quickly (and
predictably) suffer the exact same fate. Ken is the first to go. Then
Jed. Then Stephanie. Eventually nearly all the Sook Jais end up being
disqualified. Hell, even Bobby Jon got disqualified and he wasn't even in
this season. That's how bad it was.
Bobby Jon gets disqualified all the way from Palau
Clay and his distended left nipple celebrate a glorious Chuay Gahn
victory
So the Sook Jais get disqualified, the Sook Jais lose reward, and they
grumble about it all the way back to camp. And this is where we get one
of my favorite angry diatribes from any character from any Survivor
season ever. This is where Robbbbb Zbacnik truly earns his status as
"the most unintentionally funny character of all
time." Because note that he isn't trying to be funny here. Robb is on a
very legitimate angry tirade, and
he would probably smash you in the face if you started laughing at him.
So that's why it's good we're just going
to do it over cyberspace instead. Shhh, don't tell.
By the way, I guarantee you will laugh during Robbb's very angry
soliloquy below. Especially when he starts doing
his very exaggerated impression of little backwoods Clay.
"We got chumped, dude. We got chumped."
"He's a weak little whiny punk. Backwoods hick. Did you hear him?
DOY-EE-OY-EE-OY. Screamin' at me, dude."
"I wanted to spit in his face!"
And this is where we come to the money shot. Here is my all-time
favorite Robbbb quote ever, delivered in all its
angry, ridiculous, totally illogical glory...
"We got beat today, dude. But it wasn't by somebody better than us. We
lost by a bunch of rules."
Ahhhhh. The famous "We got beat by a bunch of rules" quote. A patently,
100%, total Robbb quote. In
fact I don't even know what else to say about it. I might as well just
leave it as is, and you can make your own
jokes. Suffice it to say that it's by far my favorite (and the most
ridiculous) Robbbb Zbacnik quote of all time.
And that's really saying something, when you stop and think about it.
P.S. There is a whole other column to be written some day about how the
ATTACK
ZONE was the turning point
of Survivor: Thailand. Because did you ever notice
that Sook Jai dominated the game up to this point, but
it was allllll Chuay Gahn the minute that Sook Jai fell apart and got
disqualified during the ATTACK ZONE? There's a
really cool column to be written there, but I'll have to do it another
time. Needless to say that without
rules, Sook Jai might have actually done quite well. Fricking rules.
P.P.S. This may surprise you (it certainly stunned me) but this is not
the top Robb Zbacnik moment on The
Funny 115. Hard to believe, isn't it? We will actually be seeing him
again in the top 5.
P.P.P.S. I almost scored with Jessica Alba once, except I got beat by
a bunch of rules. Damnit!
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