The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#19. Dr. Cesternino and Matthew von Frankenstein
Amazon - Season long storyline
I love this storyline.
Not only is the relationship between Matt and Rob my favorite alliance
in Survivor history, I also happen to consider
it the funniest pairing of all time. Because when else on the show have
you seen a wisecracking college kid hook
up with a reputed serial killer? Has there ever been another pairing
remotely like that? In any season ever?
And the answer is no, of course not. There's never been a character
quite like Matt, and there's never been a
character quite like Rob. They hooked up for no reason other than
necessity, they somehow became the master team
of Survivor: The Amazon, and nearly every single
moment they spent together on screen ended up being bona fide
comedy gold. The relationship between Rob and Matt ended up being,
without a doubt, the heart, soul (and machete)
of the spectacular Amazon season.
There are three reasons why this pairing ended up being so damn funny
in the long run. Because, sure, there have
been other great pairings in other seasons. But none
of them could compare to this one. And honestly,
I don't even think it is very close. Because while the other great
Survivor duos may have been fun to watch, they
didn't possess these three attributes, which really put Matt and Rob
over the top as my all-time favorites:
A) One person (Rob) was scared to death of the other
one
B) The smarter one (Rob) trained the other one so
well, that he actually lost control of his creation at
the end like Dr. Frankenstein
C) One of them (Matt) was a legitimate crazy person
The brilliant (yet terrified) Rob Cesternino
The Creature
I loved the fact that Rob was scared to death of his own alliance
partner. In fact I loved this subplot so much
that Crazy Matt is going to get his very own entry a little bit later.
But this entry isn't just
about Matt. No, this entry (#19) is specifically dedicated to Rob's
alliance with (and creation of) Matthew von
Voorhees. And, specifically, the way that Rob "lost control" of his
creation at the end of the game. You see, Crazy Matt actually defeated
Rob Cesternino at the end of the Survivor season. He did it through
methods that Rob himself had taught him throughout the game, and the
sheer irony of it all has always been one
of my favorite Survivor storyline.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy. The relationship between Dr. Cesternino
and Matthew von Frankenstein might take
a little while to explain (after all, it developed slowly over 13
episodes!), but it will be well worth it in the
end. I promise.
I still can't believe I lost to that spaz!
EPISODE 1: Rob Cesternino and Matthew von Ertfelda
arrive at Camp Tambaqui. Neither one of them are particularly
significant for the first three days. Rob is the camp goofball, and
Matthew is the pretentious camp cook. And
both of them are considered to be little more than fringe members of
Tambaqui. Both Rob and Matt are far away
from the "real" power center of the tribe.
EPISODE 2: In interviews, Rob starts revealing
himself as a master Survivor strategist. Oh sure, he might
hide behind the persona of being "a goofy kid", but in reality this guy
is ready to start cutting some
throats. Matthew, on the other hand, seems to be mainly concerned about
the fact that the tribe doesn't have proper
seasonings or service vessels with which to enjoy the culinary
masterpieces he has been preparing. Matt doesn't
seem to realize that there is actually a game of Survivor going on
around him.
It's possible that Rob and Matt have not actually spoken to one another
at this point in the game. I'm not even
sure what they would have said to one another.
Rob talking about who he wants to vote out
Matt explaining why cardamom is the superior dinner spice
EPISODE 3: This is where things start to get
interesting. For starters, Rob makes his first comment
about oddball Matt in this episode. Rob says that Matt is "weird and
pretentious." Then, at the end
of the episode, Matt's best (and only) friend, Daniel, is voted out of
the game. And suddenly Matt is left all
alone. He is no longer just the oddball cook of Camp Tambaqui. Now he's
the oddball cook with no friends. And
he's teamed up against five other Tambaquis who don't like him and
don't particularly want him around.
Oh yeah, and to make matters worse, it's possible that Matt still
doesn't realize the game of Survivor has
actually started. He seems unaware that any strategy is going on around
him at all. So this is the point in the
game where things are looking especially bleak for our oblivious
Richard Kiel-esque man-child.
Rob making fun of Matt in episode three. He calls him "weird and
pretentious."
Matthew seems alarmed when Daniel is voted out at the end of episode
three. "Why are the humans voting out
Matthew's friends? Why humans do this to Matthew? Matthew smash humans!
Argh!"
EPISODE 4: This really should have been Matthew's
boot episode. But, instead, Matt suddenly finds a way
to redeem himself and make the tribe want him to stick around. See,
Matthew decides he's going to become the camp
fisherman. And this strategy winds up paying off in dividends. Because
not only is Matthew suddenly seen as "valuable",
he almost single-handedly wins immunity for the Tambaquis in the
Piranha fishing immunity challenge. All of a
sudden Matthew is king for the day. And he gets an unexpected stay of
execution when Jaburu has to attend the
last Tribal Council prior to the twist instead.
Also noteworthy in this episode is a scene where Rob actually gives
Matt a high-five. It is the first actual moment
of physical contact between the two. Happily, it will not be the last.
Matthew discussing his plans to become the tribe fisherman
Matthew celebrating his first big catch. Meanwhile, the humans gather
around him in awe and admiration.
Rob tells us that it will be a lot harder to vote Matt out now that
he's the fisherman. Maybe they should let
him stick around for a few more days instead?
The actual high-five. Note that Matt's arm is roughly the same size as
Rob's torso. Immediately after this picture
was taken, Rob quickly yanked his hand away before Matt could
chew it off at the wrist.
EPISODE 5: The twist! Jeff Probst announces that
Dave and Jenna will be picking new teams, the boys
are now going to be mixed with the girls, and that's pretty much it for
the Tambaqui alliance. Rob and Matt are
sent over to live at Jaburu (along with Alex), and Rob now has to think
about changing his alliance plans in this
game. Now he might actually have to start talking to Matt once in a
while.
By the way, note that Matt is the very last player picked in the "new
player draft." This isn't an accident.
Jenna picking her team. Note the sad little "Matthew" tile stuck on the
end. Nobody wanted Crazy Matt
on their tribe.
Rob's stunned face when he realizes that Matt is now living with him
I can't believe that freak is gonna be in my alliance!
Here come the boys to live with us! Here come Rob and Alex! Yay!
Oh, is Matthew here too? Shit.
I cannot believe Matthew von Ertfelda is now on my tribe.
EPISODE 6: This is the episode where Rob starts
playing the game, hard. First, he makes an alliance with
Deena (the alpha female of Jaburu) and they vow to work together all
the way to the end of the game. Rob tells
Deena that he desperately wants to get rid of Matthew, but for right
now they need the guy because he actually
knows how to catch fish. So Matthew is off the chopping block. For now.
Rob says it won't be for very long though.
Rob's alliance chat with Deena. "I would like to get rid of Matthew. He
annoys me to death, but I'm gonna
have to suck it up and get over it. Cause we're gonna need him for a
while."
"As soon as he stops catching fish, or as soon as he stops doing what
we tell him to do, he's out."
Rob's next plan of attack is to bring Matt into an "alliance" and start
stringing the guy along as an
extra vote. Rob doesn't particularly want to do this, but he realizes
that A) Matthew is no threat whatsoever
because he always has his head up his butt, and B) Matthew will just be
happy that somebody is actually talking
to him for a change. So Rob starts telling Matt fake stories about how
the vote is going to go down, just so Matt
will feel like he's actually a part of things for a change.
Rob's first "strategy" talk with The Creature
Matt, of course, buys Rob's friendship act hook, line, and sinker. "It
seemed like a real genuine offer."
Rob can't believe how naive this guy is. "Matthew has no idea that he's
being played by myself. The guy
is... uh... a complete idiot. And has no concept of what's going on in
this game around him."
EPISODE 7: Rob seemingly has the game under control
by this point. The tribes have merged, everybody
has come together to live in bliss and harmony... and this is where
Matt starts acting really, really weird. The
rest of the players might have considered Matt to be strange and a bit
out-of-touch with reality before, but after
the merge they suddenly start honestly being afraid of the guy.
Why?
Well mostly because all Matt does is sit there and sharpen his machete.
Slowly. And then stare blankly off into
space. Needless to say, it creeps the other players out when he
does this.
Matt sharpening his killing knife
Matt's blank stare into nothingness
Christy says it best. "Matt's cweepy. He's cweepy."
Is this "machete sharpening" all just a big act by Matt? Is he "acting
crazy" just so the
other players will be afraid of him and not want to vote him off? Or he
is genuinely starting to lose his mind
out in the jungle? Nobody seems to know for sure. In fact, all Rob
knows is that he's now frightened by
his new bestest buddy alliance partner. All of a sudden, Rob realizes
he's very much genuinely afraid of the
guy.
"He sits and sharpens the machete for an hour at a time. Why
does he need the machete so sharp? I
think he's gonna kill us. I'm afraid that when he is
voted off, he's gonna take the machete and kill us
after the vote."
Needless to say, Matt is going to be safe for a few more days. The rest
of the Jacares aren't going to do anything
that might in some way anger the guy.
EPISODE 8: Rob can't believe the situation he has
somehow gotten himself into. Because on one hand,
Matt will do anything Rob tells him to do. In many ways, Matt is like
Rob's little pet dog. But on the other
hand, Matt is going to slaughter Rob once he realizes how badly Rob has
been playing him. So Rob seems to have
gotten himself into quite a little dangerous pickle. And he's not
exactly sure what he's going to do about it.
Tell me again... why did I make an alliance with a
potential serial killer?
Despite the warning signs, Rob decides to keep up the premise that he
and Matt are actually friends. And even
though he lies constantly, Rob inadvertently starts
teaching Matt how to play the game of Survivor. He
starts giving The Creature strategy lessons. And he develops in The
Creature an ability to start thinking about
the game on Its own.
"I really appreciate and value my relationship with Rob. He's taught me
a lot. And he's also a great guy."
"To keep Matthew from turning on "The Five", I need him to believe that
he has a different deal
going on than the actual one he has. So I've come up with this big
story about how Matthew, Alex and I are going
to be the final three. In reality I would like to get rid of Matt the
sooner, the better, because I am taking
my life into my hands with the amount of lies I am telling him, just to
keep him happy."
EPISODE 9: Rob finally figures out a way to keep
Crazy Matthew busy. In order to make Matthew feel "important",
Rob comes up with the idea of "The Chain." This involves Rob telling
Matt how the next vote is going
to go down, and Matt being responsible for "relaying" this information
to Butch when the time is right. Rob turns Matt into a secret agent,
and Matt could not be more thrilled about it. But alas, poor Matt. He
doesn't
seem to realize that this is just a big sham. Rob has never actually
told him the truth yet at any point in this
game. All Rob wants to do is keep Matt far away from the actual truth.
"Every morning I give Matt a debriefing on the wild goose chases I want
him to work on for the day, just to
keep his mind busy, so he doesn't really have any chance to figure out
what's actually going on."
Matt like The Chain! Matt like!! Matt like!!
Matt takes his new "secret agent" role extremely seriously (which
always kills me). As Matt explains
to us later in a confessional, "I'm Butch's link to what's happening. I
told him that I will decide when
we speak. I will initiate all communication. I'll
decide how much information he gets. I am his lifeline."
Butch explains to us how "The Chain" is going to work
Meanwhile, back at camp, Rob is making fun of this latest development,
and laughing at Matt in front of the rest
of the tribe. "I told him 'this is very highly confidential.
bwahahaha.'"
Even though Matt is treated like a big joke all throughout this
episode, this also happens to be the most pivotal
moment in the game for him. Because two things happen towards the end
of episode nine that will have major repercussions
down the road. For everyone involved.
A) Rob tells Matt that he needs to start throwing
challenges, otherwise the other players will start seeing
him as too big a physical threat.
The archery challenge that Rob desperately tries to get Matt to throw
B) The bigger development, however, is that Deena
starts getting greedy with her power around camp. So
Rob winds up turning the vote against Deena at the end of episode nine,
instead of the otherwise-intended target,
Matthew.
So Matthew is unknowingly spared at Tribal Council at the end of
episode nine. He lives to fight another day,
and he'll take the lesson that Rob taught him (about why you should
throw challenges) with him all the way to the
end of the game.
It probably wasn't the best idea for Rob to have taught him about that,
by the way...
EPISODE 10: As if the Deena vote hadn't been
shocking enough, now we have another unexpected
turn
of events in the very next episode. And this one is
even bigger!
Alex Bell (Rob's best friend) suddenly gets very cocky and makes a very
critical strategic mistake. Because during
an early morning chat session, Alex tells Rob that he's going to vote
Rob out at the final four. And this sends
Rob into a panic. Now the Amazonian mastermind is legitimately spooked.
Rob suddenly realizes that he can no
longer let Alex get to the final four. And that means that Rob will
have to find a new final two partner, and
quick.
So who does he turn to?
That's right, he runs right over to the creepy guy who thought he had
been Rob Cesternino's friend all along! And this is where Rob and Matt
make their real final two pact, for good.
Alex makes the mistake of saying he'll vote Rob out at the final four
Panicked, Rob now goes to Matt. Rob needs a new final two ally, so that
means he has to tell Matt the truth. And he tells Matt everything.
He explains how he tried to play Matt early on. He explains that the
whole
concept of "The Chain" was pure B.S. And now Rob wants to make a
legitimate final two pact with Matt
to the very end.
This conversation makes The Creature happy. "Rob can be very
underhanded, but I appreciated his honesty. And I appreciated what he
had to say."
So what happens at the end of episode ten? Well, Matt is spared for the
second episode in a row (this time by
winning immunity.) Alex receives a very unexpected backstab boot at
Tribal Council. And Rob is suddenly locked
in an ironclad Final Two deal with the player that he never
thought would be here.
Did I just make a final two deal with Crazy Matt? DEAR GOD,
DID I??
EPISODE 11: Rob may have made a final two deal with
Matthew, but this is the episode where Rob suddenly
realizes he may have severely underestimated his
"idiotic" protege. Because this is the episode
where Matt really starts to take over the game.
First off, Matt starts strategizing with Butch on how they can get the
two of themselves to the endgame. Rob isn't
aware that Matt is doing this, of course, because Rob has taught his
protege very well along the way. Rob has
no idea that Matt actually knows how to play the game of Survivor now.
The Creature is alive! The Creature lives!
Secondly, Alex being out of the game means that Matt is nearly
unbeatable in the challenges now. He just has no
more physical competition. And that's why Matt starts to dominate. By
the way, this problem (Matt will never
lose a challenge) is an eventuality that mastermind Cesternino had
never
actually accounted for. He never actually
planned for the fact that Matt might actually be unbeatable over the
last couple of episodes.
But the third thing that happens in this episode (and the one that really
pisses Rob off) is when Matt gives
away his family visit at the reward challenge. Matt wins the challenge
(as he always does), Matt gives away a visit from
his mother just so everybody else can have one instead, and Matt
suddenly wins a lot of brownie points with the
other members of the tribe. And all of a sudden, he is no longer "that
crazy machete guy." After this
moment, Matt now turns into "that super nice guy who gave us a family
visit." Amazingly, the other players
are actually now raving about Matt because, after all, he's just such a
nice guy!
Matt gives away his reward in the family visit challenge, just so
everybody else can win the reward instead
The new hero of the Jacare tribe!
Like I said, Rob could not be more pissed about this latest development
in the game, because it shows that Matt
is a much stronger player than Rob originally gave him credit for. And
now Rob's whole tone towards The Creature
changes. Now Rob starts talking about Matt like he's the biggest threat
in the game. Now Rob starts getting all
pissy towards his one-time naive, idiotic little protege.
"Come on, everybody would have done that. It's not
like this guy is the patron saint of reward challenges."
"You want to stand at the end next to a guy who's more disagreeable
than yourself. I thought that I'd be
able to beat him because he's a spaz, but now I'm not so sure. I may
have to cut him off before the final two."
Because of Rob's paranoia, Matt once again becomes a potential target
at the end of episode eleven. His head is
once again (unknowingly) up on the chopping block.
Once again, Matt should have been gone this episode. Because if you
spook Cesternino, you normally don't live
to see another vote. That's just Survivor: The Amazon
101. But, amazingly, Matt ends up being spared
yet again (for the third episode in a row!) when another player winds
up making a suicidal mistake. This time
the mistake is made by Christy. She tells Rob that she's not sure who
she's going to vote off, this sends Rob
into a paranoid tailspin, and Christy ends up being the third ally in a
row that Rob blindsides right out of the
game.
So Christy pays the price for her strategic mistake. And guess who just
waltzed his way into the final five?
EPISODE 12: Rob has officially lost all control of
this game. Oh sure he may appear to be in charge on
paper, but Rob is no longer the single biggest threat left in
this game. Matt has far surpassed him in terms
of a player who's stealthily (and dangerously) creeping his way towards
that final vote.
First off, Matt wins the reward challenge (yet again). Matt wins a
picnic barbecue. He takes Rob along as his
best friend in the game, and this is where Matt confirms to us that
he's a much savvier player than he has been
letting on. Matt shows us that the lessons of Master Cesternino have
been learned, and memorized, to perfection. Rob may have thought that
Matt was a joke. He may have thought he was messing with the mind of a
doofus. But
Rob never realized that what he was actually doing was
teaching. All he was doing was teaching a Survivor class
to a formidable Survivor opponent.
By this point, there's no way Dr. Cesternino can stop the Frankenstein
Monster anymore. It's grown far too powerful
for him (or for anybody) to get in its way..
Rob and Matt on their final picnic lunch
"I learned the game through Rob. And he learned survival skills through
watching me. He helped me a lot
initially, and I'm helping him a lot now."
This is the quote that would have stunned Cesternino if he had ever
heard it. "I've crafted very strong relationships
with Rob and Butch. And as far as they know, I'm
going to the final two with each of them."
Of course, there's no chance to vote Matt out at the final five,
because Matt wins immunity yet again. It's too
late to stop The Creature now! It's going to the final four, and
there's no way you are going to stop it!
EPISODE 13 (FINALE): Rob thinks he still has control
of the game, but he's wrong. This game has completely
passed him by at this point. And when Jenna wins immunity at the final
four, Rob's time in this game is essentially
over. There are literally no more moves he can possibly make.
Especially when Matt starts cutting deals with Jenna like a Survivor
pro.
A very wet Jenna Morasca wins immunity at the final four
Matt immediately cuts a deal with her, offering to take her to the
final two over Butch or Rob. Bet Rob didn't
see this move coming.
Matt makes a final two deal with Jenna, and that's game, set and match
for Master Cesternino. Because while Rob
still thinks Matt can get the two of them to the end of the game, all
that hope is dashed when Matt throws the
final three immunity challenge. Matt throws the challenge,
Rob is left
dangling in the wind, and when Jenna wins immunity
that is lights out.
Sorry Mr. Cesternino. You just got played by your very own "clueless"
protege.
Matthew von Ertfelda just pulled a Richard Hatch on you, son.
Matt (left) steps down to throw the final three immunity challenge.
Just like Rob taught him how to do a few episodes
ago.
Dr. Frankenstein is no more. The Creature saved the best
lesson he learned for last.
And guess who ends up being the final two
So that's the story of Rob (the mastermind) and his unstoppable
creation, Matthew von Ertfelda. It's a story
of hubris. It's a story of pride. It's a story of needless paranoia.
And it's the story of a really, really sharp
machete.
And okay, sure, Matthew may not have won the final vote. I think he
should have, but I understand why he didn't. If the other players think
you're a spaz for 30 days, nothing you do in the last 9 is going to
change their minds. And a jury has every right to vote the way they
think is correct. No arguments here, the right person won.
But the fact that Matthew von Ertfelda ended up in
the final two, while God's gift to Survivor Rob Cesternino
didn't, well I don't see how anyone wouldn't be able to see the humor
in that. That's just funny. Especially
when Rob taught Matt every single lesson he needed to learn along the
way.
Rob's faithful idiot manservant actually beat him in the game of
Survivor.
It doesn't get much more fitting or ironic than that.
I still can't believe I lost to that guy!
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