The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#22. 150 to 200% Satisfied
Thailand - episode 3
Since the last two entries were so incredibly long, I'm going to keep this one short, but sweet. Hope you don't mind. But then again, maybe that's all well and good to begin with. Because since #22 deals with sexual assault and a he said/she said situation, maybe it shouldn't even be on the Funny 115 in the first place?
To begin with, I'm not going to make fun of the fact that Ted grinded (ground?) Ghandia. Well actually, yes I am. But it's not going to be the sole reason for this entry. The fact that Ted grinded (ground?) Ghandia wasn't funny in itself (nor was the fallout). But one of the quotes Ted used in defending himself was funny as hell. It was, it was, I'm being completely serious. Please just trust me when I say so. This is absolutely one of my favorite moments on the Funny 115.
You may not agree with the fact that Grindgate is #22 on the all-time list. You may think that I've completely lost my mind (either that, or I'm a horrible sexist). But please I'm just asking you to go with me on this one. Just give me a chance, just let me lay out my case, and then tell me at the end if you don't think Ted's quote is freaking hilarious. In the end, I hope you are going to treasure this entry as much as I do.
Ted Rogers, grinder
Ghandia Johnson, grindee
Ted and Ghandia, not grinding
I'm not going to get into all the details of what happened between Ted and Ghandia. You saw the episode, you know the story. Ted and Ghandia were close friends, Ted and Ghandia cuddled with one another quite a bit, and then in episode three Ted was accused of "grinding" up against Ghandia one night while she was trying to sleep. Ted gave one version of the story, Ghandia gave another, and in the industry that's what we call a "he said/she said." These types of incidents are generally not considered to be all that funny*
(* - unless the incident involves wacky comedian Will Ferrell. That guy can make anything funny.)
So anyway, this is where our story begins. Ted apologizes to Ghandia, Ghandia accepts Ted's non-grinding apology, and that should really be that. The story really should have ended right there.
Ted apologizes to Ghandia, while not grinding
Ted hugs Ghandia afterwards, while scoring himself a bonus "mini-grind" in the process
The apology is supposed to work, but we all know that it does nothing of the sort. Ghandia still holds a grudge against Ted. And when Helen later tells her that Ted denies that anything ever happened, Ghandia snaps and she goes berserk.
Helen breaks the news that Ted is denying everything
Ghandia storms off
Ghandia screams in primal rage
Ghandia karate chops a tree
Ghandia tosses rocks into the ocean
Ted hears this, the Chuay Gahns hear this, and an emergency tribal meeting is called for the purposes of getting this issue out in the open. The tribe needs to find out exactly what the hell happened between Ghandia and Ted. They need to find out who is telling the truth and who isn't. And they really need to find out if you can actually karate chop your way through a tree. Because if you can... well... that would sure make getting firewood a hell of a lot easier.
The emergency Ted/Ghandia Grindgate meeting, as seen from the shoulder-mounted Heidik-cam
First off, Ted angrily denies that he was actually trying to get with Ghandia. He says it never happened, he says he never did a thing, and then he angrily tells her:
"First of all, I don't need to get with you. And second of all, I'm not even attracted to you!"
Is this moment funny so far? Not really. But it's about to blast off its way into unintentional comedy gold, when Ted delivers his next quote. This is the line that has always killed me. This is the line that I consider one of the goofiest things ever to be said on Survivor. And I'm not kidding when I say this is the most-often parodied Survivor moment around the Lanza house. My wife and I make fun of this line almost on a daily basis, that's how much we have always enjoyed it. So here we go. One of my favorite Survivor quotes of all time:
"I am a hundred and fifty... to two hundred percent... happy with the wife that I have!"
Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sorry, but that is possibly one of the most unintentionally funny lines I have ever heard in my life. I love that it comes out in the heat of the moment. I love that Ted is trying to make a point (and fails). But I especially love the fact that HE GRADES HIS WIFE ON A SLIDING SCALE!
I mean, think about it.
Ted is trying to make the point that he is one hundred percent satisfied with his wife. But since Ted used to be a professional football player, he inadvertently lapses into the sports cliche of saying that he does something "more than a hundred percent." We all know this is impossible, of course, but since Ted is trying to make a point we will let him get away with it. Ted is more than one hundred percent satisfied with his wife. Okay, point made. Way to go.
But then Ted improvises and he tries to throw in a numerical range. And this is the part that always kills me. WHY DOES HE NEED TO GIVE A MINIMUM AND A MAXIMUM? Can't he just say "more than a hundred percent"? It's like he wants to say "a hundred and fifty percent", but then he realizes his wife might be insulted by that, so he changes his mind at the last minute and adds "... up to two hundred percent."
But this improvised addition only makes things more confusing for poor Ted. Because why doesn't he love his wife two hundred percent? Why did he leave himself some wiggle room, just in case his love for her doesn't quite reach the approved maximum? Because if I was Ted's wife, and I was watching this scene play out at home, that is the first thing that would spring to my mind.
"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME TWO HUNDRED PERCENT? WHY DO YOU SAY IT COULD BE AS LOW AS ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT?? YOU ASSHOLE, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INSULT ME ON TV LIKE THAT??! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU???"
I really hope that you find this quote as funny as I do. I know that not everyone will appreciate Ted's Grindgate quote as much as me, but how can you not see the humor in the fact that he actually gives a range? Is that not funny to you? Are you not entertained?
And if you are... are you at least... one hundred and fifty to two hundred percent entertained?
The Anal Intruder
Like I said, out of all the Survivor quotes from the first twelve seasons, this is the one that Diana and I make fun of the most. We are constantly referencing this quote in our daily lives, to the point where sometimes we're giving numerical ranges for just about everything that happens during the day.
DIANA: Did you like dinner?
MARIO: I did. I'd say I was about one hundred forty to one hundred fifty-two percent satisfied.
MARIO: Hey did the kids pass their dental check-ups this morning?
DIANA: They sure did. The dentist said he was one hundred fifty-six to one hundred ninety-three percent satisfied.
This is a game you can easily play with any Survivor fan. Just say you are pleased with something, then give a randomly arbitrary minimum and maximum of percentages. If they have seen the Ted and Ghandia scene, odds are they will get the joke and start laughing their asses off. If they don't get the joke, they'll just think you're a psychotic crazy person. Either way, it should be good times to be had by all.
Ghandia heard Ted's quote, and now she's trying to do the math. "So wait, that means you are... negative 50 percent... dissatisfied with your wife? Is that the minimum percentage or the maximum percentage? Dude, you need to stop using imaginary numbers."
So anyway, here's to one of my favorite Survivor quotes of all time, from a scene that really shouldn't have been funny, but was. It was one hundred eighteen to two hundred eighty-four percent entertaining, and honestly I've been giggling the entire time I have been writing this. Damn I love that quote.
Stop making fun of me! Don't make me grind you!
P.S. Okay, so here's my attempt at imagining the Rogers family dialogue the first time Ted's wife saw this episode on TV. Enjoy.
MRS. TED: So why didn't you say you loved me two hundred percent?
TED: What? I did!
MRS. TED: No, you didn't. You said it was one hundred fifty, up to two hundred percent. You implied there was some sort of sliding scale involved. You didn't automatically jump to the maximum allowed level of wifely lovage.
TED: I know, and I meant I loved you two hundred percent. That's why I said it. I knew one fifty wasn't quite high enough.
MRS. TED: Well then why even say one-fifty? Why even give a minimum at all?
TED: What? (confused) I don't know. All I was saying was that I loved you MORE than a hundred percent. And that's impossible to do! It shows just how much I really love you!
MRS. TED (crying): Well what did I do to deserve being considered for one-fifty? What did I do wrong, Ted?
TED: Hey, please stop! You don't need to be crying, honey.
MRS. TED (desperate): Is it at least one eighty? Can you tell me that much? Do you at least love me one hundred eighty percent?
TED: I told you it's two hundred percent! I already told you that!
MRS. TED (angry): Fine. Maybe it's two hundred percent. But why can't that go up to two hundred twenty? What's so bad about me that the max you will go up to is only two hundred?
TED: One hundred is the max! I can't physically go any higher than one hundred! It was just a figure of speech!
MRS. TED: Oh, one hundred is the max now? ONE HUNDRED? I thought you said that one fifty was the minimum. And now suddenly I'm back down to a hundred?
TED: Wait! I... uh...
MRS. TED: Well FUCK YOU!!
TED: Honey, please don't...
MRS. TED: Do you think I'm fat? Is that what it is? If I lost twenty pounds would you love me one-fifty again?
TED: I already love you one-fifty!
MRS. TED: I bet you love that Ghandia one hundred fifty percent. Is that true? That slut? Do you really love her?
TED: Honey, stop! We don't need to be getting into this! I love you with the maximum level of love allowed to man. I love you, I love you, I love you! Is that good enough for you?
MRS. TED: Okay, fine. (wiping away tears) I'm sorry, I just got a little carried away. But I'm satisfied now.
TED: (kissing her) Good.
MRS. TED: I'm satisfied. (smiling) I'm a hundred thirty to a hundred sixty percent satisfied.
TED: Ha ha! I love you Pookie.
MRS. TED: I love you too, Sugar Bear.
TED: Let's grind.
P.P.S. There actually was one funny part to this scene aside from the numerical percentage range (and I guess the karate chops).
The fact that the Thai Red Berets were in Chuay Gahn that day has always cracked me up. Because here you have these two trained Thailand outdoorsmen, they are in camp helping the tribe learn to live off the land... and the only thing they see is Ghandia karate chopping a tree and Ted saying he only loves his wife a hundred and eighty four percent.
Since the Red Berets didn't speak a word of English, it has always cracked me up trying to imagine what the hell they thought was going on. What kind of weird-ass funhouse had they wandered into on this beach? And why didn't that big black guy love his wife the maximum two hundred percent? I've always wondered what the Red Berets thought of Grindgate. And for that reason, I hope they do their own episode three commentary track on the Thailand DVD one day. It would be in Thai, but damn that would be cool as all hell. We'd actually get to hear the Red Beret perspective on what they thought happened between Ted and Ghandia.
Please make this happen, CBS. Please give us a Thailand DVD commentary by the Red Berets. This is what the viewers demand!
"It's probably better you don't understand all the bullshit that's going on here."
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