The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#47. Rory finds his little crack
Vanuatu - Episode 6

This one always makes me laugh. It is just a quick little throwaway line from Rory, an insignificant piece of unintentional humor from Vanuatu, but it is a line that is quoted freely around the Lanza house. Diana and I have probably quoted this line as much as any other quote in Survivor history, and that's amazing considering that only like ten percent of Survivor fans even remember it. Most people don't even remember that Rory once excitedly made a reference to his own butt crack.

And as H. Ross Perot would say, "That's just sad."

The interesting thing about this quote is that hardly anybody remembers it, yet it ended up being one of the most requested moments on the Funny 115. When I announced that I was doing this countdown, there were several requests that came in to me over and over as reader favorites. These weren't the most memorable Survivor moments ever, but they were sentimental favorites for a lot of people. Here are the five moments that readers really wanted to see show up on the list:

* Clay telling Jan "No shit, Sherlock"
* Rafe dunking his head in the water
* Robb and the Stingray
* Rory saying "I found my little crack."
* Sue's misspellings in Borneo

These were the five most-requested moments from my longtime readers, and I was sure to include all five when I finally sat down to do the countdown. Not that it was all that difficult to do; I would have included all five of them anyway on my own. But I did have to admire how strongly people felt about these particular five. These really seemed to be the peoples' favorites, so I'm more than happy to present one of them (Rory's famous quote from Survivor: Vanuatu) as #47 on the Funny 115.

And now hopefully all of you will enjoy this quote as much as Diana and I do...

Rory Freeman was another one of those Survivor characters who I think was underrated in terms of entertainment value. Even though you may not have liked him all the time (I certainly didn't), I still thought he was fascinating each and every time he showed up on screen. Whether he was whining about something around camp, or complaining about Mia's victory dance, or stirring up racial arguments to save his own butt at Yasur, I personally thought the guy was absolutely riveting. I enjoyed every single minute of the Rory Freeman Vanuatu experience.

Why did I think Rory was so interesting?

Well for one he was just a big ol' complainer. Rory loved to bitch about things. He was never happy with anything that went on around him, and I personally find those characters to be a lot of fun to watch. I love complainers. I love the tiny little things that they decide to be upset about at random points throughout the game. Like this one, for example:

"Did you see Mia's dance? That was classless. CLASSLESS!"

But beyond Rory's whining, what really made the guy stand out was his voice. You see, Rory had the wimpiest, whiniest little voice. It sounded like he was whining even when he wasn't. That was just the way he talked. Even in normal, everyday conversation with people, Rory always sounded like he was whining about something.

But do you know what was even better about Rory's voice...?


Um... How do I say this without getting into trouble...?



Ah well, screw it. It's too late to turn back now.

The thing that I always enjoyed about Rory was the fact that he had the nerdiest little white-guy voice. He sounded like he was from Iowa (which, in fact, he was!) And it wouldn't have been so amusing, except for the fact that Rory was constantly complaining about racism during his time on Yasur! So here you have this black guy making some very valid points about how he's being treated like a slave, but he's saying it in the whiniest little Iowa voice and it always makes me laugh. The voice just doesn't match the message at all, and nowhere is this more evident than when Rory is complaining that the women have him up "on the auction block."

"I guess I'm next up on the auction block."

Later, Rory comes right out and tells the women that he doesn't want to come off like "an angry brother" in front of them. This is all well and good, of course... except for the fact that Rory says "brother" instead of the much more appropriate "brotha". Rory proves to have almost zero street cred when he says this line, and it always makes me laugh when I hear it. Yeah, whatever Rory. Angry brother, my butt. Is that what they taught you on the mean streets of Iowa?

"Darnit chums, you better not piss me off! Or this brother is likely to get furious! I mean, seriously! Quite likely!"

There are lots of Rory comments and quotes that make me laugh during Vanuatu. Basically, the rule is: The angrier Rory is, the funnier he gets. Kind of like Tom Cruise. But the quote that takes the cake, and the one that everyone requested I use, comes in episode six when Rory has his back to the wall against the women of Yasur.

Bubba has just been voted out of the game (at the end of episode five), and that means it is now five women on Yasur against our favorite angry brother from Iowa. And Rory knows he is next. He knows he has no hope against the girl power of Yasur, and it is only a matter of time before he is voted out of the game.

But despite Rory's buffoonish image, he is actually a pretty smart player. And he knows he can delay the inevitable. All he has to do is play the race card, all he has to do is make the women feel a little bit guilty about the way things are playing out... and he can possibly delay his execution by a couple of days. So this becomes his plan. He just wants to find some sort of emotional loophole that he can exploit.

"I gave them a speech that was sooo cheesy, and they seemed to buy it!"

In several interviews, Rory tells us that what he is looking for is a fissure ("fisher") that he can open up between the women. All he needs is some sort of opening, some sort of conflict, and he will play the women against one another in a desperate attempt to save his own skin.

Rory attempts to open a fisher time and time again until, finally, he strikes gold. A conflict arises one day between Eliza and the older women of Yasur, and Rory knows this is going to save his neck at Tribal Council. A fisher has suddenly opened! Rory has found a crack he can finally exploit!

So Rory sits down to tell us about it. And he does so by dropping one of the most unintentionally funny (and quotable) double-entendres in Survivor history:

"I think I just found my little crack."

Uh, thanks Rory. Too much information. Please just keep THAT little fisher to yourself, okay?

Proudly displaying his little crack

So anyway here's my tribute to Rory Freeman, one of the most misunderstood, disliked, and maligned Survivor contestants ever. I personally thought the guy was great, but I can understand if you didn't agree. I mean, there are really only a handful of Rory fans out there, and that should tell you something. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be a fan favorite. Him or his little crack.

You can just see the top of his little crack

I certainly got a kick out of him though.

"I can't believe you included me in this column. That's classless, my friend. Do you hear me? CLASSLESS!"

P.S. If you ever meet me in person at a Survivor event, I happen to do a wicked Rory impression. In fact he is my very favorite Survivor to imitate. So just ask to hear it if you ever run into me in person. You won't regret it.

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