The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#6. "It's my damn entry, man, and it's about time to see me on this damn list. I mean, I'm sick and tired of bein' overlooked, man, 'cause you already talked about these dudes like Crazy Matt and that damn Cesternino, and meanwhile I'm sittin' here all patient just waitin' my turn, man, and I'm sittin' here goin' "Damn!" man, cause everybody knows it's absolutely, by far, my time to get my entry on the damn freakin' list!"
Guatemala - Multiple Episodes

That's right. Judd finally gets his tribute on the Funny 115. And I have to say (in his own words) it's about damn time.

I wish I had a lot of interesting things to say about the guy, but... sadly... in this case, I don't. See, I've already said just about everything there is to say about Judd Sergeant. I've already said most everything there is to say in earlier entries on the Funny 115. So I'm sorry to say that there won't be anything revelatory in this particular moment. It's just my tribute to Judd, and my thanks for all the times he (unintentionally) made me crack up. Because like I've said so many times before, Judd Sergeant easily gets my vote as the most unintentionally entertaining player in Survivor history.


Every quote that came out of Judd's mouth in Guatemala was a masterpiece.

Every line spoken by the Juddinator was incredibly wrong... yet at the same time, somehow incredibly right.

Every one of his memorable moments (like the A.D.D. speech, or his ridiculous lie about the hidden idol being "by far on the ground") was destined to go down in history as a Survivor classic.

You know, I spent a lot of time thinking about Judd's entry on the Funny 115, and how I was going to present it. And then I finally realized there is no way I could describe Judd to somebody who hasn't seen him before. I mean, I can talk about how funny he was, and how memorable he was, and how he repeatedly contradicted himself in the middle of an argument, but there's no way I can put into print how much of a cartoon character he really was. And that's when I realized that the only way a person can enjoy the Judd experience to its fullest extent is to go back and watch Guatemala from start to finish. That's the only way you can really understand why he ranks #6 (and higher than any other player) on the Funny 115.

Sadly, that's the only advice I can give you in regards to the legend of the man they call the Juddinator. All I can say at this point is... wait for Guatemala to come out on DVD. Then purchase a copy of said DVD. And then sit down and enjoy Judd in the privacy of your very own home. Because if you don't appreciate Judd already, I guarantee you will after watching Guatemala a second time. Because as Judd himself would say, there's just no damn way around it, man.

But wait. You say you've never actually seen Judd before? You say you never actually watched Guatemala when it first came out? And that you have no idea what the Judd experience is actually like?

Well, let me put it this way, my friend. If you've never seen Judd before, be aware that watching Judd is sort of like looking directly into the sun. It's also a lot like first time sex. Sure, it might hurt a little at first. In fact it might hurt a lot at first. Watching Judd struggle to put a sentence together can be a painful experience for a lot of first-time Guatemala viewers. So all I will say is just please give the guy a little time. No, Judd's sentence structure is never going to get any better. And no, Judd's grasp of the English language will never exceed a certain ridiculous level. But in time, you'll find yourself actually starting to enjoy the guy. As I said before, watching Judd for the first time is an awful lot like first-time virginal sex. Sure, it might take a while for him to lube you up. And it might be incredibly painful at first. But in time I guarantee you are going to enjoy it.

"Aint that the damn truth, man."

But what if you already enjoy Judd as much as I do? Should you go out and buy the Guatemala DVD when it comes out, just to relive your favorite moments from the Juddinator? Well of course you know what my answer is going to be. Hell YES you need to go out and buy it! You need to go out and buy the Guatemala DVD the very first day it comes out in stores. Because I guarantee that, the second time around, Survivor: Guatemala will be the single funniest season you've ever watched. And most of that (quite obviously) is thanks to a big, loud ball of gas we know as Judd. After all, only through a second viewing of Guatemala (and the wonderful magic of DVD) will you be able to:

LAUGH! ... as Judd excitedly waves his arms around in an animated manner while speaking.

CHEER! ... when Judd says that you can only kill mosquitoes for "a millimeter of a second" before they come back.

THRILL! ... as Judd uses the word "man" at least 62,000 times during the course of one season.

WINCE! ... when Judd jumps into the mud at the end of the first challenge and very nearly gets himself stuck.

GASP! ... when Judd claims that his obnoxiousness and bossiness around camp are "kind of a male tosterone thing."

GUFFAW! ... when Judd is repeatedly awakened by howler monkeys in the jungle, and later calls this "the most annoyingest noise I ever heard in my life."

SMILE! ... as Judd grubs on fried chicken on top of a Mayan pyramid.

MARVEL! ... when Judd solves Rafe's word puzzle for him, and repeatedly says "Ancient Ruin, man" in an effort to give the Rafeinator the coveted immunity.

SOB! ... as Judd repeatedly rapes the English language, in the most brutal and horrifying manner possible.

BOO! ... when those scumbags vote Judd out of the game.

and APPLAUD! ... as a man proves that you can almost win Survivor... even if you happen to be crippled with the debilitating handicap of Aaaay Deeee Deeee.

Aaaay Deeee Deeee!

So here's to Judd Sergeant, the most unintentionally hilarious player ever to play Survivor. He was the worst damn liar ever, he was the most annoyingest player in the history of the game, and... to top it all off... he was also totally, by far, an absolute grammatical butcher. Yet despite all of this (or maybe because of all this), Judd ended up being the most endearing unintentional comedian in Survivor history.

"Except for me, motherfucker."

Well yes, except for Sandra.

So anyway, I'm proud to award the #6 spot on the Funny 115 to none other than Judd Sergeant, just for being so damn entertaining. Out of all the players who made the list simply for being themselves, Judd ends up grabbing the highest spot of them all. He also gets my vote as the most entertaining player in the history of Survivor.

And if you don't agree?

Well then obviously you have Aaaay Deeee Deeee.

"Damn, I'm sexy, man."

P.S. "Judd also has a problem with recall." Ha ha ha ha ha. I love that quote.

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