The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#8. The Alphabet Strategy
Borneo - Episodes 7-10
Dr. Sean's "Alphabet Strategy" is one of my favorite moments on this
list, mainly because it's so incredibly
goofy. It sets a new gold standard for Survivor unintentional comedy,
it goes beyond anything we've seen up to this point
on the Funny 115, and I'm being completely serious when I say this. You
can take your Judd speech about A.D.D.,
you can take James predicting all of Palau incorrectly, and you can
even take Robb yelling that he lost "because
of a bunch of rules." You can take all those clips, and you can throw
them in the garbage. Because none
of them come anywhere close to the unintentional
humor caused by Dr. Sean's ridiculous Alphabet Strategy.
By the way, I seriously considered this entry as my #1 funny moment
overall. It really is that fricking good.
The guy who fucked up Borneo
I bet a lot of you think I'm overrating this entry, and that it really
wasn't all that funny. In fact I bet a
lot of you are annoyed that it's ranked so high on The Funny 115. But
just give me a moment to walk you through
the entire Alphabet Strategy, and I guarantee you will be changing your
tune. I promise you will do a 150- 200%
flipflop. Because there's just never been a storyline like this on
Survivor. And there's no way it ever could
have happened on any season other than the first. You can only do the
Alphabet Strategy one time, before you're
branded as a moron for all eternity. And there's no way any player
would ever want to fall into the same trap
down the road.
So at the very least, we somehow have to thank Sean for blazing this
ridiculous trail. He went places with his
strategy that no other Survivor would have ever wanted to go. And half
the time, I'm not sure he even realized
where he was going.
I know I'm being a little hard on Sean, and I admit it. But I really
don't mean to be. After all, everybody
associated with Borneo has always said that Sean Kenniff was a super
nice guy in real life. Nobody has ever had
a bad word to say about the guy, and by all regards he has always
seemed like one of the more honorable players
in Survivor history. He was nice, he was respectful, he was funny, and
he even looked a little like Jerry Seinfeld. So it's tough to say
anything bad about him on a personal level.
The problem Sean ran into in Borneo was the fact that he was way too
nice to be playing this game. Sean got to
the island, he liked all the people he was stranded with, and right off
the bat he knew he was going to have problems. The main problem was
that Sean just didn't want to vote anybody out of the game. He hated
the idea of hurting
anybody else's feelings, and I always believed him when he said that
this aspect of Survivor was like torture. You see, Sean was a likable
politician through and through. His main goal in life was to make
everybody laugh,
and make everybody like him. And the idea of making enemies on Survivor
just didn't appeal to him at all. Sean
didn't want to come out of this experience with people hating him. He
wanted to come out of this experience with
a career in showbusiness. So right from the start he was very, very
aware of the way he would come off on TV.
(Note: This is the exact reason I've never believed
they'd ever do a Celebrity Survivor. Because the absolute
worst thing a celebrity can do in his line of work is show his true
personality and then find out that the public
hates him. Especially on a game show where the entire premise means you
have to backstab people. A negative
Q-score (popularity rating among the public) is pretty much a career
killer for most celebs, so I doubt many of
them would go anywhere near a game show where they're required to act
like total assholes. By the way, for a good
example of what negative Q-scores can do to your career, look up Cruise,
Tom.)
So Sean Kenniff ended up on Survivor: Borneo. But
he didn't want to come off like a bad guy on TV, and
he desperately didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings if he didn't have
to. So what did he do to try and get around
this? Easy, he decided to remove all personal feelings from the voting
process altogether. Because if Sean wasn't
voting emotionally, there was no way he could be
accused of hurting anybody's feelings. And the
easiest way for Sean to do this (vote without emotion) was to just go
right down the line, alphabetically. So
starting in episode seven (and the merge), Sean loudly and publicly
announced to everybody that all his voting
from now on would always be alphabetical. There would no longer be any
emotion whatsoever behind the reason he
was voting each player out of the game.
In Sean Kenniff's mind, this new "alphabetical" voting strategy was
absolutely perfect. After all,
he would no longer make enemies just by voting for a particular player
at Tribal Council. And Sean expected this
would win him a lot of respect. He also thought it would spare him a
lot of unnecessary guilt.
But what Sean didn't realize... was that he would
ruin the entire Borneo season in the process.
Think I'm exaggerating? Like hell. Dr. Sean's decision to vote
alphabetically was not only ridiculous, it also
became the single biggest turning point in the entire season. And a lot
of people don't seem to remember this. In fact most Survivor fans
remember the Alphabet Strategy as being a "ha ha, what a dumb idea!"
moment. They tend to forget that it was also an "That idiot ruined the
season! What a prick!" moment too. Because, as a simple matter of fact,
the "J for Jenna" episode was the last moment in Borneo that anybody
could have stopped the Tagi alliance. The Pagongs had one last chance
to stop Richard, they finally had their
act together and were thinking strategically, and they were thiiiiis
close to actually pulling off a comeback. But then Dr. Sean's dumb J
vote reared its ugly head and fucked everything up and ruined the whole
show for everybody. People tend to forget that. But I didn't. And
that's why they pay me the big bucks to make lists like the Funny
115. :)
So anyway here's the ultra-detailed extended version of Dr. Sean's
Alphabet Strategy, in all its retarded glory. You'll laugh. You'll cry.
You'll cringe. You'll wince. And then you'll laugh some more. And then,
just for
good measure, maybe you'll do a little more cringing and wincing. And I
think you'd be completely justified in
doing so.
After all, it isn't every day that I say "This moment was just as good
as Judd!"
**************************************************************
It's the seventh episode of Survivor: Borneo and
the Tagi alliance is in their fledgling stage of dominance. Richard and
his four-person alliance are well on their way to winning the game,
having started with the removal
of their first victim (Dirk Been) just a few days ago. The Tagi
Alliance is strong. The Tagi Alliance is powerful.
And now, on the eve of merge, they have only a few small obstacles
remaining in their way.
The alliance itself is made up of four people: Richard Hatch (the
ringleader), Sue Hawk, Rudy Boesch, and Kelly
Wiglesworth. However, this was not the specific foursome that Richard
had originally had in mind. Richard's
original plan (according to Mark Burnett's book) was to bring in the
brainy young neurosurgeon, Sean Kenniff, as
one of the original members of the alliance. And why did Richard want
Sean so badly in his Tagi Alliance? Well,
it was kind of sort because Richard was gay. And Sean was cute. And
Richard liked having Sean Kenniff around.
"And because he liked him, you know, in a sexual
way."
So yeah, Richard had the hots for Sean Kenniff. But according to
Burnett's book, Richard (much to his dismay)
had to end up scrapping Sean from the alliance plans, for several
reasons. The main one was the fact that Sean
just wasn't into it. Sean had no interest in voting as a bloc. In fact
he hated the whole aspect of voting people
out altogether. And Rich worried that Sean just wasn't cutthroat enough
to be trusted with such an important task. So Sean was dumped in favor
of the much more hungry and strategic Kelly.
(Note: A second reason Sean was dumped was because
Rich thought he was a little too much of a distraction. Since Rich had
such a crush on his little pierced-nipple Superpole-builder, he was a
little worried that he might
make strategic mistakes if Sean was always around. And Richard didn't
want to make any silly mistakes on
his way to a million dollar check. So there's a bit of fun trivia in
case you haven't read Burnett's book. Rich
dumped Sean because Sean ended up being too much of a sexy distraction.)
So Sean was kept out of the loop. The rest of the Alliance didn't tell
him the first thing about what was happening
around camp. And that's why Sean was so stunned when his buddy Dirk got
voted out at the end of episode five. Dirk was the first victim of the
Tagi Alliance, Sean never saw it coming for a second, and (even worse)
Sean seemed
to be completely unaware that an alliance had somehow formed around
him. Sean had no idea there was a Tagi Alliance. In fact, Sean had been
so completely left in the dark that he had no idea
he was the only member of Tagi
not in the Alliance! And this oblivious cluelessness
would be a Kenniff trademark from here on out.
In fact, some would say it was his single most defining trademark.
So going into the Borneo merge, Sean wasn't entirely sure there was a
Tagi Alliance. But it didn't matter. Because,
five episodes later, he wouldn't be sure if there was a Tagi alliance
either. In fact... to this day... Sean still
might not know if there was a Tagi alliance. He still could be out
wandering the jungles of Borneo for all we
know, trying to figure out what happened to Dirk and his beloved
Superpole. Sean still may not be aware that
the game actually ended seven years ago.
So we come to episode seven, and this is where we come to the fateful
Borneo merge.
Sean has no idea that the rest of his tribe is an in alliance.
Oh, and he's decided to vote alphabetically from here on out.
This is where our story begins...
***
EPISODE 7
Sean is the first Tagi to meet the members of Pagong, as he has been
elected "ambassador" to go over
and greet the other tribe prior to the merge. And right away Sean sets
the tone of cluelessness that will follow
him throughout the rest of the season. This is where it all begins, my
friends.
"Oh, there's no Tagi Alliance."
The Pagongs are worried that Tagi is going to pick them off, but Sean
repeatedly assures them that it isn't going
to happen. He tells them over and over that there's no alliance, he's
never heard anything about a Tagi
alliance, and he promises them that the Tagis aren't going to play like
that. In fact Sean is so reassuring
to the Pagongs that it would have been the most cutthroat move of all
time if he had actually been lying. He would
have been in Brian Heidik sociopath territory if he had actually led
the Pagongs to the slaughter, like the Pied
Piper of frigging Hamelin.
The only problem was that Sean wasn't lying. He
really did think that there was no Tagi Alliance.
And it only gets worse from here.
At Tribal Council, Jeff asks the players if they're worried about
rumors of an alliance. Sean, of course, is the
first one to pipe up and deny this. He very publicly declares that
there is no alliance, because he feels it would
be way too early for anybody to start thinking like this. Sean denies
the existence of an alliance not only once,
but TWICE, while Richard Hatch sits next to him,
peeing his pants in giddy delight.
Note that Sean isn't trying to be deceptive here. Remember that. Sean
is NEVER trying to be deceptive
in anything he ever says. EVER.
"I think there's a lot of room, in a group of ten, to not think
ultra-strategically just yet."
"From talking to my tribe and talking to the other tribe, as the
ambassador, I think that most people were
very concerned about alliances. Just having a Tagi versus Pagong
internal bloodbath, you know. But I don't think
that's gonna occur."
Sean repeatedly tells everyone that there's no
alliance. Then he caps off the unintentional comedy by unveiling
his new "alphabetical" voting strategy. Sean figures this is a good way
to avoid making any enemies
among the Pagongs. And, hopefully, he can ride this neutrality all the
way to the end of the game. So who's the
first member of Rattana up alphabetically? Who's going to get Sean's
vote at the first post-merge Rattana Tribal
Council? Why, it's "C", of course. C, for the fetchingly winsome
Colleen.
"I am not really employing any strategy. I'm voting for Colleen today,
because I love her. She's cute, adorable,
and nice to look at, and fun to have around. But she's the first in a
long list of alphabetical order. And...
uh... she won't get another vote from me, unless she pisses me off or
something. But it's her turn today, to be
the first. Alphabetical order."
So what happens when the votes are revealed? Duh. The Tagi Alliance
gangs up to vote for Gretchen, and pick off
the leader of the Pagongs. Gretchen gets four votes, all in succession,
and it turns out there really was
an alliance behind the scenes after all. It turns out there actually was
a Tagi Alliance! And the devastated
look on Sean's face when he figured this out is absolutely priceless.
What? Gretchen got voted out? There was
actually an alliance after all?? Holy crap!
The reveal
Sean reacts
Stunned reaction #2
EPISODE 8
This is where it starts to get really funny. Because despite the fact
that he's seen the alliance in action TWICE
now (once for Dirk, once for Gretchen), Sean isn't quite convinced that
it actually exists. Oh, he thinks there
might be an alliance, but he isn't willing to go out
on a limb and actually say so. He's still willing
to give these people the benefit of the doubt.
At least, for now.
(Mario's Note: lol)
"Last night was a very strange vote."
And this is where we get my favorite Sean quote of the entire season.
This one ranks right up there with "We
lost to a bunch of rules!" in terms of sheer ironic ridiculousness. By
the way, I'll be referencing this
quote for the entire rest of the Funny 115. I just wanted to warn you
now. Be prepared.
"The bloodbath has begun. You know, people have started taking it a
different way. 'Cause there's really
no good reason, other than strategy, to vote Gretchen off."
That's right. Other than strategy, it didn't make any sense at all.
Good point.
Later in the episode, here's Sean coming as close as he can to saying
that there probably is an alliance. Note that he
still uses the word "probably", just to hedge his bets. Sean still
isn't willing to commit
to this opinion just quite yet.
"I think that my former team, Tagi, probably formed an alliance against
what they perceived was the strongest
member of Pagong, which was Gretchen."
So anyway Sean marches along happily into the second post-merge Tribal
Council. He thinks there is probably
some sort of Tagi Alliance, but he isn't willing to flat out believe it
without some concrete proof. And even
if there is an alliance, Sean doesn't seem to be
all that concerned about it. He seems to think the alliance
won't affect the game all that much in the long run.
(Note: Sean may be somewhat oblivious to the
truth, but in no way does he realize just how dangerous this
naivete is going to be. Because the worst thing about Sean's
cluelessness is the fact that he doesn't seem to
realize that the Tagi Alliance is just going to piggy-back on his
alphabetic votes from here on out. Since everybody
and their mother knows who Sean is going to vote for every Tribal
Council, all the alliance has to do is vote for
the exact same person, and they effectively now
become an alliance of five. Sean doesn't seem to notice
that he is inadvertently helping the Tagi alliance by telegraphing
every one of his alphabetical votes.)
So now we're at Tribal Council number right. Sean is oblivious, Sean is
completely unaware of how the game of
Survivor works, and he proves this (as well as digs his own comedic
hole even deeper) with these ridiculously naive
voting comments for Greg at the next Tribal Council.
"In keeping with my strategy of alphabetical order, I'm voting for Greg
tonight. It would have been Gervase's
turn, but he won immunity. So I had to skip him. Next person in order
is Greg. I don't think this vote is gonna
mean very much."
So does the vote mean very much? Hell yes it does! The Tagi Alliance
knows that Sean is gonna vote for Greg,
so they just pile their four votes onto Greg as
well. And Greg now ends up with a very-fatal five votes
at Tribal Council. And that means buh bye, coconut phone boy. You just
got beat by the alphabet strategy.
And Sean, once again, is stunned.
EPISODE 9
Okay now we're at the peak of the Alphabet Strategy Experience. Because
this is the episode where Sean Kenniff
officially ruins the game. This episode is chock full of Sean and his
stupid alphabetic cluelessness, and anybody
who was rooting for Pagong to come back must have been absolutely
pissed. Because Sean literally puts the nail
in their coffin in this episode. And the sad thing is, he isn't even
intending to do it.
The Pagongs are reeling now, having just lost their best two leaders at
the hands of the dreaded Tagi alliance. All they have left are Gervase,
Colleen, and Jenna, and there's no way they can win a numbers game with
that sort
of disadvantage. What they need right now is a fourth vote to swing
over to their side against the Tagis. The
only problem? Sean is the fourth vote that they
need. And unfortunately the Pagongs all think he is a blithering idiot.
"Listen to what Sean says today. Cause they voted 4 against Dirk, then
they voted 4 against Gretchen, and
then... obviously 4 against Greg... and Sean's like, 'If it happens one
more time, then I know...' And
I was like, what are you talking about? It's happened THREE
TIMES!"
Colleen is a major critic of Sean in this episode, as she repeatedly
calls him things like "clueless"
and a "putz." And she's not the only one who is beginning to dislike
the guy. Kelly starts trashing
Sean for being a holier-than-thou hypocrite. And Sue Hawk chimes in by
giving my very favorite anti-Kenniff quote
of the season:
"Sean is not in the alliance, because Sean.... is dumb."
But is Sean concerned about the way the rest of the tribe is beginning
to perceive him? Um, no. Not so much. Sean is still as solidly behind
his alphabet strategy as ever. In fact it's pretty much all he talks
about during
this episode. Sean is very, very proud of his new alphabet strategy,
and he isn't shy about telling people about
it either. Here are some of his best quotes. Watch as Sean gets more
and more self-righteous and ridiculous as
he goes along.
"I think it's a fair system. And Gerv, I think you're a perfect
example. I'm glad I decided to not go back
for the alphabetical order after you win immunity. Because it gives the
contestant an out, to avoid my vote."
"I think it adds a new dimension to the game, if you go
alphabetically."
"I'm going in alphabetical order. Jenna is next. It would make me happy
if Gervase does not win immunity,
'cause I had to skip him last time. And maybe Jenna will win it, and
get out of the order."
"You know what's nice? That if you win immunity you get skipped, and
then you never get in the rotation."
"The way I figure it, like, my vote is gonna go alphabetical, okay?
Today's Jenna. If I'm gonna be the swing
vote... which I don't think I will be... then I won't vote for her,
obviously."
Sean never shuts up about his wonderful alphabet strategy, he never
shuts up about how Jenna is going to get his
vote tonight, and eventually the other players start to get a little
tired of him. And, of course, that's when
we get this wonderful commentary on Sean Kenniff, from the one and only
Gervase Peterson.
"About Sean's alphabetical order... it's like my granddaddy used to
say. If you wanna be seen, stand
up. If you wanna be heard, speak up. If you wanna
be appreciated, shut up."
So here's where we stand going into the ninth Tribal Council: Sean is
going to vote for Jenna. And no amount
of reason can possibly sway him. Sean is too dead-set on his beloved
alphabet strategy to listen to the pleas
from the other players. The Pagongs. meanwhile, are still desperately
trying to put something together to save
their own skins. They are desperately trying to find that fourth vote
with which they can force a last-minute
tie. But this is proving to be impossible since Sean will only cast his
votes alphabetically.
The Tagi Alliance, of course, knows all about Sean's plans to vote for
Jenna tonight. And they know that all they
have to do is tag along this one last time. If the Tagi Alliance all
votes for Jenna, thus piggy-backing onto
Sean's vote, they can avoid any prospect of having a tie. And this will
essentially mean doom for the Pagongs
from here on out. Once the Tagis (and Sean) take out Jenna, there's no
way they can be possibly be stopped.
Sean, of course, doesn't seem to be aware of this.
As always, he remains a solid four (or five) steps behind.
Sean's boneheadedness is put on full display at the ninth, and pivotal,
Tribal Council. Because this is where
he goes on and on about how his Jenna vote tonight isn't going to mean
anything. Sean repeatedly promises that
his "J for Jenna" vote isn't going to be important tonight. And in
doing so, he digs an unintentional
comedy hole the likes of which we may never see on Survivor again. In
fact, to this day, I still can't
believe he possibly could have been this clueless. Please
tell me all this was just an act. Please
tell me he was just putting on a show. Can anybody please
verify that Sean was just acting dumb for the
sake of fooling the Pagongs? Anybody?
"Jenna knows. She wouldn't take it personally. And I think she's a safe
vote tonight. If I felt she was
in jeopardy I would think twice, at the very least, in casting my
vote."
Does Susan have any comments on Sean's decision to vote for Jenna
tonight? Durhay. What do you think?
"Sean's neurotic. He's an idiot. Either that or he doesn't have enough
balls to make a decision."
And this is where the season officially ends. The Pagongs put up a
desperate struggle, they try their damnedest
to get this game turned around, but they just can't compete against
Sean and his ridiculous alphabet strategy. And Sean personally
puts the nail in their coffin right here, with this particularly
moronic quote while
casting the fatal "J" vote for Jenna.
"Continuing my alphabetic strategy. Jenna, you know I love you, no
offense to this. I hope you don't get
voted off. I think... you might have one vote, or two
votes, or something like that. But nothing
major I don't think. I hope."
Know what happens next? That's right. Game, set, match Tagis. The
Pagongs are officially eliminated when Jenna
ends up being voted out of the game. The Pagongs came so
close the last few episodes, they came so
close to turning this sucker around, but...in the end... they just
couldn't overcome the whims of a doofus. In
the end, they got punk'd by the guy with the alphabet strategy.
Even Jeff takes a minute to comment on what just happened. And you can
tell he's a little bit disgusted. "J. For Jenna."
"Did I just lose to that dick with the alphabet strategy?"
The best part of this whole scene? The fact that for the third time in
a row, SEAN DIDN'T SEE IT COMING AT
ALL! He is legitimately shocked that the Tagi Alliance would
have piled onto his vote. For the third time
in a row. And at this point we are wondering if maybe Sean has some
sort of a learning disability.
A quick, apologetic shrug to Jenna and Colleen. Whoops!
Stunned into disbelief. Again. For the third time in a row. Because
other than strategy, there was no reason
Jenna should have left at all!
Nice job, shit for brains.
EPISODE 10
The game is officially over now because Sean has officially ruined it.
Nobody can stop the Tagis anymore. The
non-alliance members are about to be picked off one by one and, yes,
that even includes Sean. His fate in the
game has just been determined and he doesn't even seem to realize it
yet. In fact, he's just now starting
to accept the fact that maybe there's some sort of possible alliance.
He actually seems to be leaning in that
direction in this episode. He's also about 12 days too late to finally
be figuring this out.
Way to go, Dr. Nostradamus.
"No, I'm not 100% sure there's an alliance. I don't know if there is
one. I haven't been asked to partake
in one, or anything yet."
"Sean, come on! Open your eyes!"
And now, upon further reflection, Sean finally
figures out what is going on. And he finally admits out
loud what the rest of the tribe has known for more than a week.
"Whatever vote I was gonna go, they were gonna copy. And if I knew
-that-,
I would have abandoned the
strategy earlier."
With this clever deduction, Sean finally realizes that he can't cast
votes based on the alphabet anymore. He now
realizes it just doesn't make any sense. And this is where he finally
abandons the alphabet strategy for good. Sean will be voting based on
merit and strategy from here on out. Just like everybody else. Just
like he should
have been doing all along.
"No more alphabet strategy."
So what happens after the death of the alphabet strategy? Well, Sean is
soon voted out. Duh. Right after Gervase
and Colleen. But what else do you expect from a guy who ruined the
season in Borneo? It's not like he was ever
going to win.
Am I crazy, or did the Tagis just pile onto my vote again?
So good riddance, Sean. And good riddance, Alphabet Strategy. There's
no way you could have occurred in any
season other than the first. So thanks for opening that door, Sean, if
only so no other player ever would have
to again.
My favorite part about the Alphabet Strategy was the fact that it
pissed off every other player in the game. Everybody
else hated it, everybody else thought Sean was an absolute idiot, and
it just goes to show you how irony can work
in unexpected ways. Because have you ever stopped to realize that Sean's
foolproof way to avoid making enemies
in Survivor somehow made an enemy out of every
other player in the game? Sean voted alphabetically
specifically so he wouldn't piss anybody off. Yet in doing so, he
managed to piss off every other player in Borneo. And if that's not
comedic irony, I don't know what is.
Bleh. I love this moment with all of my heart, yet at the same time I
absolutely hate it.
Let's just move on to number 7...
J is for Jackass
P.S. My favorite analogy for Sean's naivete is to compare him to the
camp owners from Friday the 13th. Because
every year the campers at Camp Crystal Lake would be slaughtered, yet
the camp would open without fail the next
summer, as if nothing had ever happened. And I always pictured Sean
Kenniff as the director of Camp Crystal Lake. I could just picture him
standing there, telling himself at the start of each summer "Well if
Jason comes
back one more time, then I'll know we have a death
curse here. But I just don't think that's going to happen. I think camp
this year is going to be uneventful." I bet Sean would have opened that
camp for 5 or 6 years
in a row before he finally realized that all his campers were dying.
And even then he would only be about 50%
sure.
"I mean, other than a homicidal maniac running around butchering
people, there's really no good reason
for people to be dying around camp. It just doesn't make any sense."
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