The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#83. Whaaaaaaaat? I'm just layin' here in the hammock!
Vanuatu - Episode 13
Ha ha. I love this moment. It was one of the funniest scenes in Vanuatu, it was one of my favorite scenes involving Chris, and it was easily one of my first choices to include when I sat down to create the Funny 115.
There are several reasons why Chris Daugherty is my favorite Survivor
player of all time. One of them is the fact
he sported a greasy red wifebeater all season. Another is the fact that
he won the game despite impossible odds
(and the added bonus that he really didn't appear to be even trying.)
And of course I still say that Chris had
the single best storyline, and single best comeback, of any player in
Survivor history. So you take all those
factors into account, and it's easy to see why Chris is my all-time
favorite Survivor. There wasn't a single
moment of the Chris Daugherty storyline that I didn't in some way enjoy.
That being said, there was one aspect of the Chris
experience that I enjoyed more than any of the rest of
them. And no, it wasn't the wifebeater. You may think it was, but you'd
be wrong. No, the aspect of Chris that
I enjoyed the most was the way that the guy talked. You see, Chris had
three very distinct traits in the way he
communicated, and together they made me fall in love with him as a
memorable Survivor character.
And what were these three very distinct Chris speaking traits?
The first Chris trademark was that he was painfully overdramatic. And
I'm talking like Al Pacino in The Devil's
Advocate overdramatic. Chris's confessionals on the show were
always about 50% more dramatic than they really
needed to be, and I have to say it cracked me up nearly every single
time he started giving an interview. Because
when Chris talked to the camera, he didn't just make points. No, Chris
liked to use emphasis. Chris
loved to share ideas. And Chris
loved to stress important words
in the middle of
his dramatic sentences.
Chris loved to add drama to the
middle of his sentences, even if there was never really any need
to. And whenever he did this, I would joke with my wife how funny it
would be to listen to Chris say something
that was completely mundane. Like, say, what would it sound like if
Chris read a grocery list aloud? Would he
still stress words in the middle of his sentences, even if he was just
talking about buying a jar of pickles? I always wondered if "The bananas
are in aisle twelve" sound much
more exciting
if coming out of the mouth of Chris Daugherty.
Chris making a dramatic point about bananas
The second of Chris's vocal trademarks that I loved was his little
sing-songy, weasely, Midwest accent. The way
he talked was sort of whiny, sort of melodic, and it happened to sound
exactly like one of my favorite whiny-voiced
actors of all time, Mister Bill Paxton. Chris sounds so
much like Bill Paxton when he talks that it's actually
sort of creepy. They both have the exact same tone, the exact same
weird cadence, and at times they sound almost
exactly alike. In fact, the next time you watch the movie Titanic, just
picture Chris saying all of Bill Paxton's
lines and I guarantee it will crack you up. Because I swear to god they
are almost the exact same person when
they open their mouth.
"Rose, will you tell us about Titanic?"
But my favorite aspect of the way Chris talks (and the one that makes
him a legend) is the fact that 99% of the
stuff that comes out of his mouth is complete and utter bullshit. And
I'm not talking about stuff that he said
to us. No, in confessionals Chris always told the
truth. But when he was talking to other players
(especially after the merge) it's entirely possible that every
single thing that came out of his mouth was
a lie. And I'm being serious. Chris may have gone three weeks in
Vanuatu without ever actually speaking the truth.
Chris got so comfortable with lying as the game went along that you
could tell he actually started to enjoy it. You could tell that Chris
actually got off on blatantly just lying to people. And in time, he
basically just
turned into one big wifebeater-wearing used car salesman. By the end of
the game in Vanautu, everything
that came out of Chris Daugherty's mouth was a lie. He managed to dump
bullshit on people more often than a guy
who was an actual used car salesman (Brian Heidik)
in real life! And when you find yourself lying even
more than Brian Heidik, then brother, you know you have turned into
something special.
"I can't believe those suckers bought that!"
Gratuitous Movie Tie-in: One of my favorite movie
characters of all time is "Simon", the used
car salesman from the movie True Lies.
If you haven't seen
True Lies, it stars Jamie Lee Curtis as a woman who is having an affair
with a man who claims to be a spy, but
is really just a used car salesman with delusions of grandeur. Simon
the used car salesman is weasely, he's whiny,
and he's 100% completely and utterly full of crap. Everything that
comes out of his mouth is complete and utter
bullshit. And guess what? He's actually quite a bit like Chris!
Oh... and by the way... who plays this mysterious, whiny car
salesman with the sing-songy midwestern voice? Which actor plays this
character, "Simon", who's so similar to the winner of Survivor:
Vanuatu? Why, it's none other than our old friend Bill
Paxton! It's the same guy who tried to raise the Titanic! Only
this time, he has a mustache. Take a look!
Bill Paxton, winner of Survivor: Vanuatu
I can't tell you how many times Chris reminded me of Simon (the used
car salesman) during Vanuatu. Nearly every
word he spoke, and nearly every lie he told,
reminded me of something Bill Paxton would have said during
True Lies. In fact, at one point I half expected Chris to ask Eliza to
sleep with him. And he'd coerce her by
saying something like, "If not for me, do it for
your country." Because if you have ever
seen True Lies you'll immediately see the parallels I am talking about.
Chris and Simon the used car salesman could
be long lost twin brothers.
If you won't sleep with me, Eliza, please just do it for your country.
So anyway, now we get to the moment at #83 on the Funny 115. It's Chris
Daugherty's best "Bill Paxton"
impression during Vanuatu, and it happens in episode 13. It's the
famous "Chris in the hammock" scene. And it was easily one of my first
choices when I sat down to create the website for the Funny 115.
BACKGROUND: We're in Vanuatu, and we have now
reached
the final five. And the game has basically broken
down into pairs squaring off on opposite sides. On one side you have
Julie and Eliza, the younger girls of camp
Alinta. And on the other side you have Scout and Twila, the older women
of camp Alinta. And right smack dab in
the middle you have Simon the used car salesman.... er, I mean Chris
Daugherty. And of course Chris has obviously
aligned himself with both of the sides. After all, why would expect
anything else?
By this point, Chris has told every single player
in the game that he is taking them to the final two. Because, well,
that's just what Chris do. So every single player thinks Chris is on
their side, every single
player thinks that Chris will have their back, and that's where we get
this very amusing scene that comes towards
the end of episode thirteen.
Right before the final five vote, Chris and Eliza are discussing
strategy.
It's right before Tribal Council, and Chris is sitting there in the
hammock, relaxing. He knows he isn't going
anywhere tonight. So he doesn't
really give a rat's ass if he pisses anyone
off today. He knows that nothing can hurt him tonight, so he is just
going to relax here.
But then Eliza comes up. And she wants to talk about her plan to
blindside Twila tonight. See, Eliza has been
looking forward to blindsiding Twila all game, and she desperately
needs Chris's help to do it. So she comes over
her to start discussing the plan. And Chris, as usual, is more than
happy to start conspiring with her.
Chris assures Eliza that everything will go down as planned tonight. Twila is going to go home. "Trust me!"
So Chris is laying there, plotting some sort of malfeasance with Eliza.
But what he doesn't see is the
fact that Twila is standing right there behind Eliza. Twila has been
standing here all along. She's been watching
Eliza have this conversation with Chris. And you can tell by the look
on her face that she is more than
a bit annoyed by it all.
Twila watches Chris and Eliza plotting
her demise
Eliza turns around and suddenly notices
this. Busted!
As usual, Eliza and Twila immediately square off and start yelling at
one another. They've never particularly
been very fond of one another, and this showdown has been more than
enough to send them into another of their hate-filled
yelling matches. Eliza accuses Twila of plotting against her. And Twila
accuses Eliza of the exact same thing. In fact, it's the exact same
fight as we've heard nearly a hundred other times throughout Vanuatu.
Eliza and Twila fighting
Showdown at Alinta
Meanwhile Chris is just sitting there,
laughing. He knows better than to actually say anything. He's just
going to sit here, keep his mouth shut, and watch as the women all tear
each other to shreds.
Twila continues to lay into Eliza and yell at her until she... suddenly
pauses... and turns her attention towards
Chris. All of a sudden, Twila notices this smiling buffoon over in the
hammock, and realizes that Chris may have
actually been a part of this. And that's where we get one of my
favorite exchanges of the Vanuatu season.
(angrily) And what's your
part in all this, Chris?
And what is Chris's response of feigned and surprised innocence? Well
I'm proud to say that Simon the used car
salesman couldn't have phrased it any better than this.
"(in wide-eyed mock innocence) Whaaaaaaaaaat? I'm just laaayin'
here. You know? In the hammock."
Ha ha ha. I love this scene. It's the ultimate Chris Daugherty/Bill
Paxton moment. Because there's no way Chris
could have possibly been more full of shit. In the immortal words of
Scout Cloud Lee, the bullshit was so thick
at this moment it was coming out of his ears. And there's no way
anybody ever should have believed him. But Chris
delivers this ridiculous line in such a wide-eyed innocent way, and in
such a sing-songy little midwestern voice,
that it never fails to crack me up. Why, it's as if Chris has no idea
what Twila is talking about. Plotting? What's that? What is this
plotting you women like to speak of? Chris practically turns into
Unfrozen Caveman
Lawyer from Saturday Night Live. He practically comes right out and
says, "But I'm just a caaaaveman. I do not know of
this plotting and scheming. Your world frightens and confuses me."
I'm just a caaaaaveman!
Did Twila actually buy Chris's innocence? And did she actually buy his
feigned "I'm just sitting in the hammock!"
defense? I really have no idea. But the mock innocence in which Chris
says it has always made me laugh. Nobody
could have ever been caught plotting as red-handed as he was, and
nobody would have ever denied it as ridiculously
as he did. But Chris Daugherty tried it. He actually tried to play the
"I'm just a caveman!" card on
Survivor. And it made for one of the funniest (yet ridiculous) moments
of Vanuatu.
Not guilty by reason of just layin' here in the hammock
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