The Funny 115 - version 2.0





9.  Coach has no problem shitting on thirteen centuries of Japanese history

This one is great.  Here is another example of Brendan mocking something that Coach has said about himself.








The first samurai






"We were talkin' about it the other day, and he's like "I kind of started the samurai thing."













"And I was like, started the samurai thing?"






"Like, they've been doin' it for like thousands of years in Japan."






"And Johnny Depp's been doin' it for like twenty years here."






"You didn't start anything."













Wade also started the cowboy thing






8.  The eagle screech (and other sound effects/editing jokes)

Now unfortunately this is something I just can't do justice to in a writeup.  You will just have to rewatch Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains for yourself to see what I am talking about.  And, well, since Salarakas already wrote it up pretty well in an email, I will let him explain it for you.
From Salarakas:
The editors sure had a lot of fun with Coach.  A few times in Tocantins, they would throw in his over the top scream that, unless you had the volume really low or just weren't paying attention, everyone in the world could tell was spliced in from some other scene. And after he had voted for Parvati to win the game in Heroes vs Villains, he said"King Arthur's journey has officially ended" followed by the editors inserting an eagle cry 







Casting his final vote for Parvati







"King Arthur's journey has officially ended."







*eagle screech*





The over the top scream is one thing (and they did use it a lot), but Coach's distinctive "eagle screech" sound effect is the real gift here.  If you ever go back and watch Tocantins or Heroes vs Villains,, try to count how many times the editors throw in an eagle screech right after he says something.  I know I counted at least three of them, but there could have been a fourth and I might have missed it.  And then of course, as Salarakas said, there is the famous eagle screech right after he votes for Parvati and he bows his head.  To me that is the funniest of them all.

Salarakas is right.  The editors sure did love Coach.  They had so much fun with him.  They did something with a sound effect or some sort of unintentional irony joke or they did their best to make him look silly (see pictures below) in just about every scene he was ever in in Tocantins or Heroes vs Villains.







Coach's mouth.  Ew.






No, ew, I will not make out with you.






I am noble and honorable and invincible and unbreakable and holy fuck she's on my lap look at those tits!






The famous yell they loved to splice into other Coach scenes





By the way, here is the exact eagle screech if you want to hear what I am talking about.  A reader of mine made this Coach tribute video on Youtube and he threw in the eagle screech at the very end.  

That's how you know this video is Coach Wade approved.  

That eagle screech at the end is your assurance of quality.






*eagle screech*







7.  The fact that Coach will consistently misquote historical figures

Okay now this one is great.  You could write an entire entry based around the number of times Coach has misquoted historical figures.  Or the number of times he has taken their quotes and used them out of context for his own benefit.  

As my friend Mark Polishuk writes,


"Coach is great because he makes no shortage of bizarre references and quotations in an attempt to make himself sound smart.  Coach's allusions ranged from Pat Benatar to Marcus Aurelius to Friedrich Nietzsche."







"As Vasco da Gama once said, suck my dick I'm the motherfucking Dragon Slayer."





Here is more on this from a reader named Logan Saunders:


"I was thinking about Coach and his constant quoting of others.  It reminds me of when Michael Scott opens his own paper company and he has a quote written on the board:

"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretzky.
 -Michael Scott.
 
I just think it would be a very Coach thing to do if he were a teacher.  Either that or it is probably written on the chalkboard in his soccer coaching office."







"John Lennon once said that to be the greatest, you have to destroy Brendan.  And then you have to have sex with his skull."





But the all time best Coach misquote of a historical figure comes (I know I'm cheating again) from South Pacific.  Want to hear the single greatest misquote in Survivor history?  Yes, even better than John Palyok claiming over and over that ember was amber?  Or Russell claiming that he deserved to win?

Well here you go.  

Check out this little piece of amazing Coachitude.





From a comment in my guestbook:
"I accidentally found out something interesting. Last night (on Survivor: South Pacific) Coach told us that Marcus Aurelius said “Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."

I was going to make some wisecrack about people are often inspired by perspiration as well, although it was usually just to move farther away from whomever it was that was sweating.  But before I did that I wanted to look up how to spell “Aurelius.”

So I googled Coach’s quote and it turns out that it was actually said by a guy named Comer Cottrell. 

Now I’m sure that you all know who Comer Cottrell is and I’m sure that you’ve all used his products many times over the years, but in case it’s not ringing a bell with you, he’s the guy who invented “Jheri curl.”  I’m not making that up.  Coach quoted the guy who invented the most famous Afro hair care product ever and he attributed it to Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. 

I’m not sure who should be the most upset here; Comer Cottrell for having someone give credit for his quote to someone else, Marcus Aurelius for not getting the money that Comer Cottrell made off of Jheri Curl, or the American People for being duped by Coach. 

The real question is did Coach know who he was quoting and did he credit the wrong guy on purpose to sound cooler?  Or maybe the real question is who names their kid “Comer”? 





Ha ha.  God bless whoever put Coach on Survivor.  And God bless whoever takes the time to look these things up and write to me about them.  I love you guys.







Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius







6. The story behind how Coach the hypocrite accidentally got himself voted out

Oh man.  You could write a book based around all the times Coach was made to look like a hypocrite by the editors.  Or how he was made to look like a hypocrite by himself.  But if you want probably the greatest example of the famous Coach hypocrisy, here you go.

This is from a reader named Constantinople at Survivor Sucks:



"Of course Coach is a hypocrite.   In related news, scientists are reporting that the Sun will rise in the East.

In HvV he made competing promises to Boston Rob & Russell.  Then, Coach insists that Sandra and Courtney sit out the next Reward Challenge after Rob is booted, thereby forcing the Villains to field their weakest team for the immunity challenge (which they lost).  This of course culminated with Coach getting himself voted out.

And why did "There is No I in Coach" insist on doing this? 

Because the Reward Challenge was for pizza."







Mmmmm, pizza






I can has pizza?





A reader named Ryan also pointed this out to me:



"I hope you include the fact that Coach made a call that made the villains lose immunity the episode he got voted out. He wanted the reward (pizza) so bad that he made Courtney/Sandra sit out. So when it came time for immunity challenge they were forced to participate. They lost pretty embarrassingly. Then Coach was voted out."




















As Nicolaus Copernicus once said, "Round Table thin crust is the best, yum yum gimme some!"







*smuff*





From a reader named Adam Patterson:
"Yeah, Coach may have looked like a massive hypocrite with the pizza incident and it got himself voted out, but at least it was worth it and he enjoyed some pizza. Oh wait, his tribe lost, right. Ah, never mind."












5. The famous weatherman scene

Okay now this scene is so funny (and so perfect) that I thought I would just put it here and recap it in its entirety.  It's possible that there has never been a more perfect Coach scene than this one.

Oh and be sure to stick around for the awesome punchline at the end.   :)

This is from episode five of Tocantins.







Coach notices that the wind is changing and that a storm is coming







A storm







Coach consults his internal doppler radar and assesses the threat







"Hey you guys, feel the breeze shift?"















"I've noticed that the wind blows this way, predominantly."








"But when there's a storm coming, it switches directions and turns this way."







"But it doesn't look too crazy because it looks like the clouds are breaking up on the horizon."















Huh







Since Coach is apparently a weatherman, Debbie asks a very logical question.  












Sure enough, ten minutes later?

You knew it was coming.







Downpour







Timbira is stuck inside their shelter because the storm didn't quite miss them







Huh







Thanks Coach







Thanks Coach







Coach:  "You know guys, this reminds me of a Hans-Georg Gadamer quote."
Timbira:  "Shut up."















Coach is a fortune teller in Alaska




And yes.  I promised you a punchline.






"Coach is kind of a jackass"






"He's been running his mouth about the weather at camp."






"I think Coach really truly wants to be this, like, Survivor Man."







"I would not be surprised if when this game is all said and done."







Coach said, "Gotcha!  I'm an accountant!  I've never left Nebraska."







4.  The fact that he showed Jeff Probst up at the reunion show

Here is yet another great Coach moment.  

Don't ever forget that he is, above all else, a showman.

I can't imagine that even Coach haters wouldn't have loved this scene.  This is one of the greatest Survivor reunion show moments ever.







It is the Tocantins reunion show, and Coach is taking a beating from Probst and from the editors







Sierra laughs at him







Erinn rolls her eyes at him







Probst pretty much just laughs at him and calls him a liar







Oh I'm sorry Jeff.  You call me a liar?  You say my stories aren't true?







Well guess what.  I went out and I took a lie detector test.







Holy shit!






Dragon Slayer!  Booyah!







I believe this will prove once and for all that everything I have said about myself is true






Care to read it?





So Probst gets the lie detector results (which he was not expecting at all - this was a total blindside), and he reads hem aloud on the air.














Oh my God, here we go.  Did Coach go on a kayak trip down the Amazon and was he captured by natives?






The answer is yes.







And that, my friends, is how you show up the host of Survivor







You better believe it baby!   Dragon! Slayer!






3.  The famous conducting scene






More trumpets!  MORE POWER!




Here is an email from a reader named Lexxan:



"I hope the entire music conducting scene makes it into the entry. Coach directing Tchaikovsky, waving his baton and imitating the music, while the other Timbiras just gaze in utter disbelief (this while we also hear that particular piece of classical music) in the background contains all the reasons why Coach is (or rather: can be) a funny character. It contains bravado, it contains cultural refinement only Coach gets, it contains Coach getting absorbed by his cultural education/passions, it contains Coach being completely misunderstood by others and it contains people slamming/mocking Coach's entire persona without Coach even realizing it.

In other words, it is the perfect Coach scene."







Coach conducting a symphony






Hear that music?



























Who is this jackass?




Unfortunately I can't do justice to the goofiness of the conducting scene in a writeup.  It is just too funny.  If you want the full experience of it you are just going to have to watch it and experience it for yourself.

All I can say is watch the video and then read this email from a reader named Salarakas:


"I think the funniest thing about that scene is the fact that the editors added the actual music in the background. You can tell that they were having a blast with it."






For the brass section!






2. The Martin Luther King quote

Okay now this one just absolutely slays me.  There is no way I can write about this scene without laughing as I am writing it.  In fact just grabbing the pictures for it alone made me laugh so hard that I actually gave myself a stomachache.  So thank you Coach and thank you Funny 115.  I actually physically injured myself writing this entry.

This is episode three of Heroes vs Villains.  Randy is going to be voted out at Tribal Council.

And Coach is... well, Coach is not all that happy about it.







Poor Randy.  Guess that alcoholism will get ya.







Coach is bummed that his friend Randy is going to be the target at Tribal Council tonight





So he lapses into a speech that will go down in the history books.







"There's nobody out here that's honorable."







"There's nobody here that's honorable anymore."








"Except for me."





Thanks Coach.

But wait, there's more!






"I hate to pontificate about that, but..."





I hate to pontificate about this, but I think I will pontificate about this.

And here it comes...






"You know, Martin Luther King says that the greatest measure of a man is not in the way he handles times of comfort..."







"But in the way he rises with controversy and challenge."







"There's always hope."






Yes, hope springs eternal.  You told us.  We already got that.







"The last thing we have in life or in this game is hope."







"That the impossible happens.  That we dare to dream."







"That Randy's gonna wake up in this camp tomorrow."















"So yes there's still hope."








"While I still have a breath.  And a brain cell in this brain.  I will fight for him."












Ha ha.  I love it.












Oh, and why do I love it?

Well let me just throw you some comments from people at Survivor Sucks and maybe you will see the humor in this quote.  These are all comments that were posted within one hour of the famous Randy Bailey/Martin Luther King quote from Heroes vs Villains airing on TV.

After you read these, there is no way you can ever watch this scene again and not burst out laughing.




from smellofawoman:
"I'm glad he finds Survivor as important as the Civil Rights Movement.  So inspiring."



from co-coach:
"Coach's tears tonight will dragonslay the heart of America. In one hour he'll change the world more than MLK could ever hope to."



from irootforthegayguy:
"SURVIVOR ALWAYS NEEDED MORE MLK JR IN IT <3"




And yes, here is the topper.  You will never be able to watch this scene the same way again after reading this last quote.  

Ready for it?



from craig:
"Huge laugh at Coach. Invoking MLK in hope that middle aged white males can dominate yet another season. Coach, the guy who targeted the strong black woman first in S18."







Biiiiiiiiitch!




Yep.  And there you go.

If you were ever wondering why Coach wound up as the #1 entry on the Funny 115 (and why it was never even close), it is for reasons like this.

He invoked Martin Luther King to explain why middle aged white guys should go far on a reality show.

Thank you Coach.  Thank you for just being you.






Um, that's not what I was talking about you dumb cracker.













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