The Funny 115 - version 2.0


#1.  Coach
...is better than you






And now we get the moment of truth.  We go to the final five reward challenge.

Where J.T. selects Coach to go to Exile Island.








The final five reward challenge






J.T. wins, and he gets to pick who he is sending to Exile













Okay J.T.  I know it's a tough choice.  But you gotta send someone.













"Exile is the one place you do not want to be on day 34.  It's especially bad for people with asthma and a bad back who need to be sharpened on a daily basis."













"Let's be noble, Coach."







Aww fuck







Yay!  Coach is going to die tonight!







And with that, J.T. essentially creates the Funny 115.  Thanks J.T.







"Thanks man.  Ow, my asthma lupus hemorrhoids terminal cancer back."







"Coach, how do you feel about going to Exile?"





Annnnnnnnnnnnnd.

Cue the drama queen.






"I'm gonna take the monastic approach."






"I'm not gonna build fire, I'm not gonna eat."






"I'm just gonna meditate."





Erinn, who of course has experienced a cavalcade of Coach bullshit over the past thirty four days, immediately recognizes this for what it is and she calls B.S. on it.







"No.  He's gonna take the martyr approach."













"So when he comes back, he can not have eaten, not have slept, not have had any water."







"Minimizing the experiences of some, I feel like."







"And also then he'll have an excuse for not winning immunity when he gets back."








Boom.  Roasted.







Yikes





What?  No.  Coach trying to outdo everybody else who has ever been to Exile?

Say it aint so!







"Wow that's pretty harsh."













"Yeah but is there something to what Erinn just said?"







"That you're putting yourself in a position where you have had the worst experience at Exile?"





Nooooooo.  Coach trying to one up everyone?  Never!







"I want it to be tough on me, that's for sure.   I'm not gonna minimize everybody's experience."







"In fact I'm disappointed that Erinn would say that.  You know, since the beginning of the game she wanted to try to, you know, cut me down a little bit."







"And a lot of times when people do that it's to vault themselves over."







"I think maybe she wants to leave here with the toughest Exile experience, and I don't want to take that away from her."





Thanks Coach.  Nicely played.



From a reader named Adam Patterson:
"I love Coach's quote about Erinn absolutely destroying him before he goes to Exile. "I think she wants to leave here with the toughest Exile experience." Yeah Coach, I'm sure that a hairdresser who smiles evilly wants to have the toughest experience out there to test the toughness that Julius Caesar or the guy who invented Dr. Pepper set out."






WTF?





Oh, and here comes the litany of health ailments again.  

Quick, somebody get this guy an HMO.







"As far as coming back and winning immunity, Jeff, my body is about this close right now to total disaster."







"You know, I've got, uh, discs on the right side that have ruptured."







Srsly?







"I feel my left one is about ready to slip."













"My asthma's choking me up so bad I can't breathe."







"There's a 50% chance I could die during childbirth tomorrow."














"There's no excuse about if I win immunity or if I don't win immunity.  I make no excuses."





And now of course we get one of the most legendary Coach quotes.







"You know, you can throw stones at me.  You can.  Everyone else can."






"And I go like this."







"Give me your best shot."






"Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benatar."






"It doesn't matter to me."




Nice shakwila, Coach.   Although Pat Benatar didn't say that quote.  Henry the 8th did.*


*not true






And with that, the Wandering Dragon Slayer sets off for the single most epic journey in Survivor history





Hang.   Before we get to Coach's famous Exile Island trip, here's a quick interlude back at camp that always makes me laugh.







Taj:  "You know what kills me?  He's talkin' all this smack about how he's so broken down."






"But you know, he was perfectly fine when he was on J.T.'s heels during that last challenge."






"Had he won, (imitating Coach) THE WARRIOR would have been back."





Ah yes.

And here we go.

The Exile Trip.






Day 34.  Time for Coach Wade unplugged.






Honestly, there is no way to do this scene justice in a writeup.  I wish I could, but I'm just not that good of a writer.  I will do the best that I can though.

To get an idea of what the editors did with it, just imagine the most epic inspirational heroic music possible, and imagine it juxtaposed over one of the most ridiculous scenes ever.  That is what the Survivor editors did with this scene.

Like I have said before, this might be the single greatest (ie, most unintentionally hilarious) scene in Survivor history.







Coach marches up the hillside to the strains of heroic military music.  






According to the music, this is the equivalent of a soldier landing on the beach to claim Iwo Jima.






And how do the editors treat this most noble and heroic of all Survivor warrior moments?







They intersperse it with shots of vultures circling him from above, waiting for him to die.






Ha ha.  I love it.  You should count how many shots of vultures the editors use in this scene.  Nearly every time Coach says or does something on Exile Island, it will immediately be followed by a vulture just watching him and waiting for him to die.  Because you know it is going to happen sooner or later.  Predatory birds aren't dumb you know.







Oh wait, we're back to the vision quest.  As the music swells to a crescendo, Coach finally reaches the campsite where he is going to die survive.







"This is gonna be like a vacation for me."







"Gonna get a suntan out here."














"All those wishy washy people at camp with no character."





The music swells once again.  Cue the dramatic zoom in.

Time to start speaking in third person again.






"Coach Wade's foundation is built on a rock."






"Inside here?"







"Unbreakable."






"Unbending."







"Unyielding."







"Immeasurable."







"Immovable."






"Invincible."







Look dude.  I can wait as long as you can.






"I could stay out here for a week without any food.  All that will do is make me a better stronger person."






"These guys won't be able to get ol' Coach Wade down at all, I can tell you that."





And the editors, of course?

Cue more vultures.






Holy shit Larry, I've never eaten an actual Dragon Slayer before!







Dibs on the ponytail!







Hey guys, save some for me!





And with that.  

Let the March to Certain Death commence.






"I will not have anything to eat.  It will be like the ancient American Indians, that are my ancestors."







"You would go out in the wilderness for 48 hours, and they would commune with the creator of the universe, and they would become men."











Wait for it...





"Well I'm already a man.  So this will just make me more of a man.  But this is gonna be an adventure."






Oh, and an adventure it will become.







First up?  Time for a craft project.







"The Dragon Slayer takes his Dragon Cane."





























"Dear Lord, please forgive Erinn as she is back at camp thinking negative thoughts about me.  And for making me a man through this experience."






"And for making sure the camera man got just the right angle for this Jesus shot of me."







"Actually no.  I actually prefer this Jesus shot.  Did you guys get this on film?  Want me to do it again?"







Actually no.  Use this one.







Fuck, will you just die already?





And of course we end the scene with another great Coach quote.

Yay!  More third person!






"Coach Wade's body might be failing him in many ways."







"But Coach Wade still has what it takes."







"To outlast anybody out here in this environment."






"Period.  Paragraph."






Okay.  Are you with me so far?  Do you get a sense of the majesty and the power and the glory of Coach's journey?  

Do you understand just how strong this man is, and how he will never be brought down by other people, or taken down by the elements?

Do you understand just what kind of a god among men we are dealing with here?













Well if you have a true grasp of just how powerful and unbreakable Coach Wade and his journey really are, then there is no way in hell you will be ready for the next shot that the editors throw at us.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you create comedy through Survivor editing.

It is all in the timing.






"You will never bring me down out here.  Period.  Paragraph."





The music builds.  The music swells.  

The music stops.

And the very next shot?






Hundreds of vultures circling above






And Coach laying dead in a pond





















Score!






I'm sorry.  But that has got to be the funniest transition in any scene in any Survivor episode ever.

I know that Coach isn't really dead.  He is just meditating.  But the way it is put together is just classic Survivor editor comedy.  Whoever was editing this episode deserved some sort of an Emmy Award.







"It was a great experience to be out here, and to test myself.  And have nothing."






Any thoughts on why you might lose the big immunity challenge later today, Coach?








"Yes, I'm walking slower.   Yes, my asthma is still at the forefront of things."







"Yes it's gonna take me longer to get to the challenge today."







"I do not feel tired.  I do not feel hungry."







"I feel nothing but incredible mental focus at the task at hand."





Hmm.  I wonder what the creator of the Jheri-Curl Marcus Aurelius would say about something like this.







"Marcus Aurelius once said, "Through our greatest adversities come our greatest successes.""





Ah.  Thanks.






"I plan on winning immunity today."







You better believe it baby.







And with that, Coach Wade's Exile Island trip is officially over







Win





And here we go.  The grand finale of Coach and his Exile Island trip.

The return to the game.  

And his last stand in the immunity challenge.







"Come on in, guys."






"We now bring in Coach.  Returning from Exile Island."





Yay!  Welcome back her highness the drama queen!







Here comes Coach's sorry ass, limping in slowly with a cane






What the fuck?







Hey guys!  I made it!








Yay, Coach is back!







Hey guys, my back!  My asthma!  Did I mention I also have syphilis?








Taj just looks at him limping and she laughs





Cue the famous Taj quote.







"When Coach returned from Exile with his cane, and he's limping..."







"I'm thinking, this guy is such a drama queen!"













"Any thirty seven year old man who thinks he's a dragon slayer belongs in a mental institution."







"They need to come and get him.  Once we have Tribal Council, he'll be free and they can take him home."



   




Oh please ask me how it went.  Oh please oh please oh please.







"So Coach,  how'd it go down?"





Yay!






"I was freezing.   I didn't get any sleep.  I didn't have any water."






"No food.  No fire."






"Had the best time of my life.  It was euphoric."






"It was definitely way way way tougher than Erinn's experience."













Sorry I just have to post this picture again.  I love this picture.





By the way, here is another one of my favorite transitions of this scene.  I love how the editors subtly slipped this one in there.







"I had no water, I feel amazing, it was awesome."







"Hey J.T., could I get some water?"







Okay I changed my mind.  Having water is actually more awesome.





And with that, let Coach's Last Stand begin.







The players are forced to balance on two small pegs for as long as they can






Until finally, it comes down to just J.T. and Coach.  The Sugar Layer.  Against the Dragon Slayer.







Coach hangs in there despite the incredible pain in his legs asthma ear back







Mmmmmmpf







Arrrrrrrgh





And then it happens.  The moment that will forever change the life of the man they call Coach.

Mark Polishuk summed it up perfectly in his email I posted earlier


"When Coach returned to the game and competed in an endurance-based immunity challenge, he hung on until Taj mentioned that his back must be hurting him, thus giving Coach the out to quit. Of course, he didn't just quit.  In true Coach fashion, he fell to the ground in a dramatic collapse."


Yep, here we go.

Taj is about give the drama queen all the ammunition he needs.













And that's all it takes.






Oh yeah, thanks I forgot.







MY BAAAAAAAAACK!   OWWWWWWWW!






AHHHHHHHHH!





Oh god.  And the music.  If you ever go back and watch this scene again, pay attention to the music that the editors insert right about here.

I swear, you would think that Jesus is about to be crucified with how tragic and majestic it is.







Cue the Jesus music.  Coach grimaces in pain.  Cue the haunting angel voices.







ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!







Wow.  Look at him go.






And with that, he collapses as dramatically as possible.







All the way down to the ground.





And yes.  You knew it was coming.







"goo."





The other players rush over to see if he is okay.  






Stephen:  "Oh my god."
Taj:  "Are you okay?"
Erinn:  "Dibs on the Dragon Cane!"







The other players slowly help him stagger to his feet







Like a baby deer's first steps





Coach goes back to sit on the bench.  

And despite J.T.'s big immunity win, he ensures that the attention is only going to stay on him.







Coach (whispering, as if he can barely talk):  "My back went out.  I felt something go."  







Meanwhile... check out the look on Taj's face.  Seriously, Coach?







"You want medical to take a look at that?"




Yeah like hell that's gonna happen.






"Nobody's taking me out of the game right now."







"If medical really looked at my back I wouldn't be here, so no don't have medical look at my back."







*rolls eyes*






And with that, J.T. drags Coach's sad lifeless broken body back to camp






Where he becomes the Dragon Slayer again






Cue the obligatory mocking confessional from Erinn.







"Coach was really ridiculous today."






"I mean, he walks in like he can barely move."






"And then he's standing up on these things for, like, near an hour."






"He was walking around when we got back."






"Like, you're not as broken down as you're trying to make yourself look."







Taj also finds it very suspicious


















And then, Taj utters perhaps the most appropriate quote of the entire season.






"He's so full of it."





And with that, we reach the end of Coach's epic Tocantins Survivor journey.







Well okay.  Only after his poem.






We will never forget.







Goodbye Coach Wade.  You were the best of the best.






Oh yeah.  And of course I would be remiss if I didn't point out that he brought something with him on his first day in the jury.







Hey guys, look I brought my Dragon Cane!













*eagle screech*






And so there you have it.  My tribute to the single funniest (and not always in a good way) character in the history of Survivor.  

Once I started putting together this countdown about a year ago, and I looked at all the choices I had available to me, there was no way that anyone other than Coach ever could have ended up at #1.  No way.  Coach had to be number one.  There was just no way around it.









"Coach, just the biggest joke on the planet."








"Hey guys, check out my weatherman skills."







Oh I see you managed to lose your shirt again

On your knees, Sierra.  ON YOUR KNEES!







Why yes.  I am loved by all animals who in kind he loveth too.








Wade is a celebrity in Honduras













Am I happy that I wound up with a character entry instead of a scene as my #1 selection?  Well of course I am.  I mean, this never was a "funniest moments countdown."  This has always been, and will always be, a "funniest things that have ever happened on Survivor" countdown.  And I'm sorry.  But if you don't think that Coach was the funniest thing to happen to Survivor between Exile Island and Heroes vs Villains, we must have been watching a different show.  

And yes of course I am discounting his legacy-killing appearance the third time around in South Pacific.  Look, I hate what the editors did to him in South Pacific.  I hate that they toned him down and that they made him look "respectable."  I hate the crap they pulled with him as much as anyone.  But that isn't really Coach's fault.  All that means is that the editors wanted you to root for him the third time around.  They wanted you to see that he has "changed," and they wanted you not to be surprised if he gets to the end.

Well screw that.  Coach doesn't change.  Do you honestly think that this guy will ever change?













I don't care what the editors did with him in South Pacific.  Coach was the most entertaining thing to happen to Survivor in the middle years, and now he will forever be memorialized on the Funny 115.  And for those of you who were surprised when he openly blasphemed or when he blatantly insulted God and religion in the early episodes of South Pacific, um, why were you surprised at that in the first place?  That's the kind of shit that Coach has -always- done.  That is -exactly- what he should be doing on Survivor.  He wouldn't be Coach if he wasn't openly blaspheming!







Dear God, please murder Erinn.  Thanks.





In summation, I would like to leave you with the following five quotes.  These are from five readers who loved Coach as a character as much as I did.  




From Sol Rosenberg at Survivor Sucks:
"I don't care if he's overexposed.  Give me 10 Coaches over ten Danielles and Candaces. He may be delusional but he's entertaining as all hell."



From a reader named Sarah:
"Want to know how great Coach is? We had a couple of friends visiting from the UK during Tocantins. They saw two episodes of the season, and have never seen Survivor since. The wife is now friends with Coach on facebook."



From a reader named Adam Patterson:
"I wish I was in Tocantins. Seriously, if I could've been on one season, it would probably be Tocantins, for the simple fact that I could sit there and just rip on Coach every single hour of the day."



From a reader named Mark Polishuk:
"It's funny that a character entry is #1, but if you said to anyone, "the funniest thing to happen on Survivor in the last 12 seasons is Coach," it's impossible to argue. If there's ever an indictment of the Redemption Island format, it's that this clown is actually very close to winning the show."



And finally, my favorite.  



From Dingo at Survivor Sucks:
"Well I guess it's only fitting.  You began the countdown with Russell and Coach, and you end the countdown with Russell and Coach.  And lol at the fact that Russell wound up in second again."

 











You know, there are so many phrases you can use to describe Coach.






Powerful





Spiritual






Intense






Resilient






A philosopher






A traveler






A lover






A conqueror





But when it comes to the #1 entry on the Funny 115, there is one other description that also fits him as well.

Only... this one is a little more accurate.







The single greatest character in the history of Survivor













P.S.  Want even more Coach?  Want to hear how funny he is in real life?  Check out this awesome commentary of him watching his final Tocantins episode.


P.P.S.  Coach just wrote in.  He wants you to know he can bench 300 pounds.






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