1. Coach

The Funny 115 - version 2.0

1. Coach's Trip to Exile Island

You know I had to end with this, didn't you? I mean, there was no way I could write the Funny 115 without finishing with the single greatest (and most unintentionally hilarious) scene in Survivor history. And yes I might even rank this one over dead grandma.

Relax Jon. I said "might."

Anyway, so now we finally come to the conclusion of the Funny 115. We come to the single greatest scene involving the single greatest character in Survivor history.

This is a scene that was so highly requested that I knew almost from day one that the entire countdown was going to turn into one big Coach tribute. There was just no way around it. There was just so much to write about.

In any case, here is my favorite email request of them all, from a friend of mine (and fellow Survivor fan) named Mark Polishuk:

"The absolute best thing about Coach was in his boot episode. Remember that? His whining attempt to get out of being sent to Exile Island. And then when he was sent, he decided to be a martyr and see the experience as a 'vision quest' and not eat, make fire, etc. (In all likelihood, this was because he was incapable of finding food or making a fire, even after over a month out in the wild.) When Coach returned to the game and competed in an endurance-based immunity challenge, he hung on until Taj mentioned that his back must be hurting him, thus giving Coach the out to quit. Of course, he didn't just quit. In true Coach fashion, he fell to the ground in a dramatic collapse. Coach also turned down Probst's offer of a checkup from the Survivor medical staff, obviously because his drama queen ass would've been found out. How can you not love this guy?"

"Um, I don't love him."

And so here we go. Are you ready for this?

We finish the Funny 115 with Coach's trip to Exile Island, and his subsequent loss in his final immunity challenge ("goo!"). Which, and I honestly don't think I am exaggerating here, might be the single greatest episode of Survivor in twenty three seasons. This whole episode was so epic, and so ridiculous, and was so unintentionally funny, that you might as well call it "the episode that inspired Mario to come out of retirement and write a Funny 115 sequel."

Rrrrrrrrrrr

And now. A moment of silence.

Because it is time for Coach Wade to go on his vision quest.

With Brett

It is the thirteenth episode of Survivor: Tocantins, and the Forza tribe is down to the final five.

The final five

And you know that guy who we like to call the Dragon Slayer? You know that guy who gets stronger and stronger and stronger every day? And who is impervious to pain and suffering and is the greatest and most noble warrior in the history of the universe?

Yeah, you know this guy?

"I'm different than most people."

"One of a kind."

"Last of the Mohicans."

"King Arthur."

":Legend."

Yeah well you know what Mister King Arthur McLegendson is scared of as we get to the final five in Survivor: Tocantins?

Yes. The most noble warrior in the history of Valhalla is petrified that J.T. might send him to Exile Island today.

Sad face

As episode thirteen opens, we see Coach already lobbying J.T. to please not send him to Exile Island today.

Hmm. So let's see here. There are five players left in the game, two of them are girls, and Stephen and J.T. don't feel right sending any of the girls to Exile Island anymore.

Hmm, I wonder who that leaves left as a possible candidate?

Oh crap. I wet 'em.

Yep that means you are going to Exile Island, Coach.

Which means... you guessed it.

Bring on the litany of health ailments!

"Man, my lungs feel like. You know, that feeling. I feel like I scarred my lungs yesterday."

"And my lungs feel like I smoked 20 cigars in a row yesterday, and I inhaled all of 'em."

Coach sits down for a confessional and he explains to us how the asthma we have never heard about once all season has suddenly started to flare up. And how now he is near death.

"Nobody wants to go to Exile at this point."

"And I just hope my asthma doesn't play up."

"That's a horrible excuse, I know. But that's my only fear."

Well, maybe that and not being able to build a campfire.

"I'm just makin' it out here."

"This asthma's kickin' my ass."

"My back is killing me every day."

"So, you know, how do I handle that adversity?"

I don't know. How do you handle it?

"You know, it's your call. It's really up to you guys to decide who to send."

*cough*

*exaggerated gulp*

*audible wheeze*

*fakes a seizure*

Huh

Stephen, of course, can see right through the bullshit. And he sits down to explain it to us.

"Oh God. I mean, J.T. and I are eager to send Coach to Exile."

"He has been so skittish about it."

"He has been selling out everyone trying to get them to go to Exile before him."

Coach, grow a sack, will you?

Hi Stephen. I love you. Write you a poem?

"I mean, you know, Coach has mentioned ailments. You know. A back problem. Asthma."

"But it never has seemed to really affect his performance."

"I'm not entirely sure Coach can build a fire and cook food by himself."

"I don't know. I think he's scared."

J.T., of course, is a little more malicious about it.

"Coach, he's just really scared to go to Exile."

"And such an adventurous soul as Coach, shouldn't really be scared to go to Exile."

"So, you know, I'm ready to test him."

"It would be nice for him to come very weak to the next immunity challenge."

And now we get the moment of truth. We go to the final five reward challenge.

Where J.T. selects Coach to go to Exile Island.

The final five reward challenge

J.T. wins, and he gets to pick who he is sending to Exile

Okay J.T. I know it's a tough choice. But you gotta send someone.

"Exile is the one place you do not want to be on day 34. It's especially bad for people with asthma and a bad back who need to be sharpened on a daily basis."

"Let's be noble, Coach."

Aww fuck

Yay! Coach is going to die tonight!

And with that, J.T. essentially creates the Funny 115. Thanks J.T.

"Thanks man. Ow, my ~~asthma~~ ~~lupus~~ ~~hemorrhoids~~ ~~terminal cancer~~ back."

"Coach, how do you feel about going to Exile?"

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd.

Cue the drama queen.

"I'm gonna take the monastic approach."

"I'm not gonna build fire, I'm not gonna eat."

"I'm just gonna meditate."

Erinn, who of course has experienced a cavalcade of Coach bullshit over the past thirty four days, immediately recognizes this for what it is and she calls B.S. on it.

"No. He's gonna take the martyr approach."

"So when he comes back, he can not have eaten, not have slept, not have had any water."

"Minimizing the experiences of some, I feel like."

"And also then he'll have an excuse for not winning immunity when he gets back."

Boom. Roasted.

Yikes

What? No. Coach trying to outdo everybody else who has ever been to Exile?

Say it aint so!

"Wow that's pretty harsh."

"Yeah but is there something to what Erinn just said?"

"That you're putting yourself in a position where you have had the worst experience at Exile?"

Nooooooo. Coach trying to one up everyone? Never!

"I want it to be tough on me, that's for sure. I'm not gonna minimize everybody's experience."

"In fact I'm disappointed that Erinn would say that. You know, since the beginning of the game she wanted to try to, you know, cut me down a little bit."

"And a lot of times when people do that it's to vault themselves over."

"I think maybe she wants to leave here with the toughest Exile experience, and I don't want to take that away from her."

Thanks Coach. Nicely played.

From a reader named Adam Patterson:
"I love Coach's quote about Erinn absolutely destroying him before he goes to Exile. "I think she wants to leave here with the toughest Exile experience." Yeah Coach, I'm sure that a hairdresser who smiles evilly wants to have the toughest experience out there to test the toughness that Julius Caesar or the guy who invented Dr. Pepper set out."

WTF?

Oh, and here comes the litany of health ailments again.

Quick, somebody get this guy an HMO.

"As far as coming back and winning immunity, Jeff, my body is about this close right now to total disaster."

"You know, I've got, uh, discs on the right side that have ruptured."

Srsly?

"I feel my left one is about ready to slip."

"My asthma's choking me up so bad I can't breathe."

"There's a 50% chance I could die during childbirth tomorrow."

"There's no excuse about if I win immunity or if I don't win immunity. I make no excuses."

And now of course we get one of the most legendary Coach quotes.

"You know, you can throw stones at me. You can. Everyone else can."

"And I go like this."

"Give me your best shot."

"Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benatar."

"It doesn't matter to me."

Nice shakwila, Coach. Although Pat Benatar didn't say that quote. Henry the 8th did.*

*not true

And with that, the Wandering Dragon Slayer sets off for the single most epic journey in Survivor history

Hang. Before we get to Coach's famous Exile Island trip, here's a quick interlude back at camp that always makes me laugh.

Taj: "You know what kills me? He's talkin' all this smack about how he's so broken down."

"But you know, he was perfectly fine when he was on J.T.'s heels during that last challenge."

"Had he won, (imitating Coach) THE WARRIOR would have been back."

Ah yes.

And here we go.

The Exile Trip.

Day 34. Time for Coach Wade unplugged.

Honestly, there is no way to do this scene justice in a writeup. I wish I could, but I'm just not that good of a writer. I will do the best that I can though.

To get an idea of what the editors did with it, just imagine the most epic inspirational heroic music possible, and imagine it juxtaposed over one of the most ridiculous scenes ever. That is what the Survivor editors did with this scene.

Like I have said before, this might be the single greatest (ie, most unintentionally hilarious) scene in Survivor history.

Coach marches up the hillside to the strains of heroic military music.

According to the music, this is the equivalent of a soldier landing on the beach to claim Iwo Jima.

And how do the editors treat this most noble and heroic of all Survivor warrior moments?

They intersperse it with shots of vultures circling him from above, waiting for him to die.

Ha ha. I love it. You should count how many shots of vultures the editors use in this scene. Nearly every time Coach says or does something on Exile Island, it will immediately be followed by a vulture just watching him and waiting for him to die. Because you know it is going to happen sooner or later. Predatory birds aren't dumb you know.