The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#100.
Na Onka v. Leg
Nicaragua - episodes 1-6
If you know anything about my sense of humor, you will know
that one of my favorite things that can happen on a Survivor season is
when we wind up with a one-sided feud.
You know the feuds
I am talking about. These are the feuds like the one between
Shambo and Laura in Samoa, where Shambo was absolutely pissed about
everything Laura ever did, meanwhile Laura never actually said anything
mean about Shambo or seemed to have any idea that Shambo was even mad
at her. These are the kind of rivalries that make my life
easy as
a comedy writer.
"I just asked Shambo which branch of the service she was in."
"Laura just called me a cunt."
Shambo
vs. Laura was probably my favorite one-sided feud in Survivor history,
but it wasn't the only good one. Just off the top of my head
I
can think of a bunch of other fun ones. I mean, go back and
watch
Amazon sometime and watch how little Jenna and Heidi ever
actually say about Christy. Meanwhile Christy is wishing them
dead
starting about midway through the first episode. That is
another
great example of a one-sided feud. And then we have a really
fun
one in Worlds Apart between Joe Anglim and Vince, which I am probably
going to write about later on the countdown.
And of course we already talked about this one
But there was one feud in Survivor history that was so bizarre,
and was so
over the top and ridiculous, that of course you knew I was going to
write about it on the Funny 115.
Yes, I can only be talking about the feud between Na Onka and Kelly
Bruno's mechanical leg
So
gather 'round, kids. Grab a chair. Sit a
spell. As I weave you a tale.
It's the one-sided feud between one of the most horrible despicable
villains in the history of Survivor, and its fight with Na Onka.
Asshole
Heading into Survivor: Nicaragua, you knew the producers were asking
for
trouble when they decided to cast a player with a
mechanical leg. After all, as anyone who has studied history
would know, mechanical legs have
been responsible for some of the greatest atrocities in the history of
the human race. I mean, who can think of the idea of a
mechanical
leg and not associate it with these moments, which have
haunted us throughout the years, and have usually led to an inordinate
amount of death and
destruction.
The tragedy at Tiananmen Square
The Cannibal Murders of Baltimore (circa 1989)
The WWF tag team championship in the mid 80's
Yes,
the producers were playing with fire when they cast a player with a
mechanical leg. Because not all fake legs are benign like
the one
that was attached to (and had a leg up on) Chad Crittenden.
Some
mechanical legs are evil. Some of them are assholes.
And these dickhead legs will stop at nothing on their
ruthless trail of pain and destruction.
I'mma let you finish, but Hanes are the best nylons of all time
Harambe
Zoinks
So here you have an evil mechanical leg on one hand, and on the other
hand you have America's newest sweetheart in Na Onka.
Loves rainbows, glitter, ponies
Yes, there has never been a feud where the good guy and the
bad guy were so clearly defined.
Okay, so let's take a look back at Na Onka's heroic stand against an
evil, manipulative, deplorable mechanical leg.
I got a leg, motherfucker, look what I can do with it
It's
day one on La Flor, and daffodil princess Na Onka Mixon is all laughter
and giggles. And why wouldn't she be? After all,
she is
here with her friends. She is about to play the game of
Survivor.
This is a dream come true
Na Onka is all smiles.
She is all energy.
She is full of good cheer and team spirit.
But then...
She sees the most horrible thing she has ever seen in her life.
Standing right there on the mat next to her.
On her very own tribe.
Is the face of evil.
No, not that one. A little lower.
Gross
Na
Onka, who knows her history, and who knows what little motherfuckers
those mechanical legs can be, understandably freaks out. Just
like you would have done.
Also, I'm pretty sure a mechanical leg broke up her first marriage
So anyway, there is Na Onka, and there is Kelly's leg.
Standing next to each other.
Na
Onka decides to make the first move. She knows that she has
to
act fast. Before the leg can get its hooks into La Flor, and
start making them do all its bidding.
Na Onka whispers her secret plan to take out the leg
But
sadly, Na Onka is too late. The leg has already directed
Kelly to
reveal it to the rest of the tribe. Despite all of Nay's best
efforts, the leg manages to strike first, as it goes right for the
sympathy vote.
"Hey guys, there's something I wanted to show you."
Sick
The rest of the La Flors are awed and impressed. Which was
just what the leg was expecting.
Oooooooh
Yay Leg! Yay Kelly!
That leg is amazing
"No money in the world could replace what she's gone through in her
life. Just give her the money."
It's funny and shiny!
But there is one person, of course, who sees through the bullshit.
Na Onka has already targeted her rival, and is ready to strike.
"I don't want people to be mad at me because I'm talking about her leg."
"I'm not going to treat you as an outcast."
"If you feel like you can outrun me, girl, let's race."
Nay has to hurry though. Because the leg has already directed
Kelly to go out and find a clue to the idol.
"Ha ha, let's see that mouthy black bitch try to stop me."
Okay, so it is episode two now. The race is on. The
leg is this
close to finding a hidden immunity idol, and rendering itself
invincible.
Kelly hops off into the ocean, and leaves the leg unattended.
Na Onka sees this, and she hatches an idea
In a conversation with Sash, she spells out her plan.
"If there's ever a challenge
where we have to race..."
"You know, for real."
And
now we wind up in a nasty back and forth where Na Onka and the
diabolical leg try to out-insult one another. This is the
part of
Na Onka's story that is ugly.
It might be ugly, and it might
make Na Onka look bad at times, but always remember that at the end of
the day, the leg started it.
The leg starts off the salvo by insulting Na Onka's mother
"She [the leg] has the heart, she has the mind, but she doesn't have a
hundred percent of the body, and that's gonna hurt us."
"I don't think that dating Dreamz is a wise relationship plan.
I mean, come on. The guy is homeless."
"I
came all the way here from South Central, and there's a million dollars
on the line. I will not let anyone stand in my way.
Not
even a one legged person can stand in my way."
"Watch
this, I'll skew the edit and force them to make her look like the bad
guy. Don't mess with the leg, girl, or you'll get the horns."
"She got one leg. Don't think I'm gonna be nice to you cause
you got one leg. My name is Naonka, not fool."
"[racial slur]."
The
war of words continues through episodes two and three. And it
doesn't help when the leg steals Na Onka's socks and it makes it look
like Fabio did it.
Kelly watches helplessly as the leg has once again compelled her to
commit evil
Nay knows she is losing a psychological battle against the leg, and at
this point she snaps
Okay, it is episode three now.
Now the war is about to start.
The leg starts off episode three with some choice words about Na Onka's
hairstyle, and about what a bad P.E. teacher she is
Na Onka retorts that she's about to send a message to those bitches
Alina and Kelly ['s leg]. You just watch.
In the episode three reward challenge, La Flor wins reward and they win
a fruit basket.
The leg compels Kelly to pick up the basket with Na Onka
Na Onka and the leg both look down, and they both see the clue to a
hidden idol inside.
Bingo. A mechanical leg's wet dream.
And this is where Na Onka knows she must make her heroic stand.
Should I do it? Should I knock her whole god damn leg off?
What do you, the audience, think?
"Oh shoot. She's going to knock off my leg, isn't she?"
So Na Onka and the leg (with Kelly attached) march back to camp.
"As soon as we get back to our home, I'm goin' for it."
"Damn the fruit, I'm goin' straight for the paper."
And go for the paper she does.
And just like that, Na Onka has heroically taken a stand against the
forces of evil.
She doesn't knock the leg all the way off. But damnit, she
tried. All you can ask is that she tried.
Hey leg, fuccccccccck youuuuuuuuuuu!
Fabio witnessed the whole thing. And Fabio is livid.
And this is where I have to point out that, in her defense, Na Onka is
super contrite. Just like any protagonist would be.
"Sorry about smushing your bananas."
In
the end, Na Onka gets the clue, and the leg doesn't, and it is one of
those rare moments in Survivor where the good guy wins. And
the
bad guy gets exactly what is coming to it.
Now,
of course, you know the leg isn't going to take a slight like that
lying down. Not if you know anything about mechanical legs,
it
isn't.
The leg hatches a plan to make it look like Na Onka was
the aggressor in the whole situation. And when Na Onka finds
out
what the leg is trying to do, she flips out.
What the fuck, leg??
And
this is where our delightful little butterfly goes on the rant to end
all rants. This is where the leg has finally made
her lose
it.
Here
are some choice quotes from Na Onka's temporary little breakdown where
she snaps and she sort of becomes a minor bad guy for a couple of
minutes.
"Go ahead, be a fool. Cause if it happens again I'm gonna
pull you again."
"Hopefully I'll push you so hard that damn leg will fly off."
Like this
"I got hood. I don't got ghetto, I got hood."
And we can't forget these little bon mots that she has for the evil
devil leg.
"Not even a one legged person can stand in my way."
"As you can see, I'll..."
"One shove."
"She's outta there."
And,
of course, we have this one. Which was on all the t-shirts
that the Na Onka fans wore back in 2010 and 2011.
"I really don't need no charity case on the jury. I might
even force her to quit the game."
"And screw your leg. Screw your leg."
"Keep it away from the fire."
The height of Na Onka Mania
Na
Onka even goes and uses her clue to find a key to the hidden immunity
idol. Which, in the irony of all ironies, looks exactly like
a
mechanical leg.
Oh hell no.
Now,
it is at this point you would think we would conclude with one
of
the greatest rivalries in the history of Survivor. I mean,
all
the elements were there. You had the good guy, Na Onka.
You
had the bad guy, that fucking god damn leg. And you had poor
Kelly, who was stuck in the middle, and who was forced to do its
bidding like she was Natalie Tenerelli in Redemption Island and the leg
was Boston Rob.
Help me!
"Never!"
That leg is so happy and shiny!
But, alas, we never get it. We never get a conclusion to the
feud between Na Onka and evil.
Because the episode five twist comes around. And now they
wind up on different tribes.
And just like that, our hero is forced to play the rest of the game
without the leg in her way.
Na Onka is sort of like Jesus, only if Jesus were awesome
The leg and Kelly are both voted out at the end of episode
six. Not by Na Onka, but by the new La Flor tribe.
And with that, without so much as a whimper, we lose one of
the greatest villains in the history of Survivor.
I'm sorry Leg. That's four votes, that's enough.
*smuff*
Gross
And with this happy ending, our hero Na Onka now stands alone.
As the only Survivor in history who was brave enough, and amazing
enough, to stand up to a leg.
Oh shit, I just said stand up to a leg. Chris Daugherty
cannot believe I just said that.
A rare upskirt
And
so there you have it. The tale of Na Onka.
And her
heroic struggles against an evil, racist, mud slinging, vicious
mechanical leg.
I hope you didn't buy the edit or the way she
was presented in the episodes. Remember, they have to edit it
that way because mechanical legs control the MPEG and ACE.
Hollywood is run by mechanical legs, they pretty much have to
be
portrayed as the good guys.
In truth, Na Onka wasn't a villain at all. She fought the
leg. She threatened to knock it into the fire.
She wasn't the antagonist at all, she was a god damn American hero.
**
Thanks to Cory Gage for the Gordon Ramsay/Brad Culpepper picture, and
to Josh Lehmer for helping me with the American hero picture **
