The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#58. Goin' Bean Nutella Man Havin's
Redemption Island - episode 11
If you were to take a thousand online Survivor fans, and you
were to poll them on their least favorite Survivor season, I'm guessing
that Redemption Island would probably finish right smack dab at the
top. For years, it has been the ONE season that online
fans hate and do not ever want to talk about.
Well okay, maybe there's one guy who loves it
I don't personally think RI is the worst overall Survivor season (I
think One World is), but there's no denying the fact that it really
isn't all that fun to watch. Between Boston Rob being allowed to have
a squash match against a bunch of clueless newbies, and a Coach ripoff
camera hog
Phillip Sheppard dominating the airtime to
the point that you just want him to stick that feather in his ass and
shut up, and the fact that the Zapatera may be the single most boring
tribe in thirty-five seasons of Survivor, it's hard for me to sit
here and lie to you that here is anything all that fun about it.
And this is even before I remember that Russell was on the
season for about ten minutes too, and ha ha lol fuck Russell.
Queen stays queen
There was ONE guy who I think was kind of sneaky-fun on Redemption
Island, and that's only because he had a super dry deadpan sense of
humor and you didn't always catch it the first time around. His
name was Steve Wright. And you probably already knew that because
I've been trying to sell you on him being funny for about sixty entries
now.
whomp whomp
Really, from an entertainment perspective, that's about all you
had when it comes to Redemption Island. Steve was kind of funny.
And Boston Rob had his moments too, if only because this was his
fourth time playing and you better know how to cut a Survivor
confessional after four goddamn tries. That's it. Two
interesting players. That's all they had. Oh,
and Phillip and his saggy undies were out there too.
Nasty-ass
And then, of course, we come to the big man.
We come to the ONE other person that some would argue was also one of the standout characters of Redemption Island.
Ralph
Now,
if you ask me, I don't personally think Ralph was anything all that
amazing as a Survivor character. I mean, sure, he might have
looked good on paper. Sure, if your name is Rooster, and you work
as a farmer, and you wear overalls, and you have a long beard, and you
like to crow out loud in approval of things, of course.
Naturally, just looking at that, OF COURSE you are going to feel
like a fantastic potential Survivor character.
Rock out with your cock out
Ralph
looked like such an amazing character on paper. I remember being
super excited about him when he first showed up in the cast list.
I remember reading about him and thinking, my god, we're
about to get another Tom Buchanan. Only instead of being sloppy
drunk all the time and trying to bang his neighbor's sister, this guy
is going to talk about roosters and he's going to stand up and crow at
the sun. How could a guy like that possibly not become a Survivor
legend?
So I embraced Ralph at the start of Redemption Island. And I
rooted for him. And then he ... well... um... he didn't really do
anything.
I
mean, seriously, name a Ralph moment from Redemption Island that
doesn't involve him finding an idol and outlasting Russell Hantz.
You can't do it. There are none.
And no, him misspelling every name he ever wrote on a ballot doesn't count.
I actually wanted to write about this and make it its own entry
But I couldn't
Mostly because I already did "bad spelling" on version one as a Sue Hawk entry
I
so wanted to love Ralph, and to talk about him as if he were this big
Survivor legend. In fact, when I first sat down to create this
countdown, I originally thought I would have like five or six different
Ralph entries. I assumed he was much more significant to
Redemption Island than he actually was.
But then, of course, I watched the episodes.
And in the episodes he was just as insignificant to the story as the rest of the Zapateras.
Somehow,
in their quest to turn Redemption Island into THE CORONATION OF THE
GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME, BOSTON ROB, the producers took a guy whose
name was Rooster and who spoke a language other than English, and they
managed to make him invisible.
Nice work.
Ralph
But look, here's the deal. I REALLY wanted to have at least one
Ralph entry on the Funny 115. If only because... for god's
sake... YOU COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD THAT CAME OUT OF THE GUY'S
MOUTH!
EVER!
"Terkoa wowza? Parkaka ham lo mein."
Mmmm hmmm. Good point.
Even
when Ralph was saying the most obvious thing, the editors had to
subtitle him. And it was funny because, half the time, you
couldn't understand him even when he WAS subtitled. Even WITH the
subtitles Ralph remained basically unintelligible.
"Heymah. Affinda yuma dole!"
"Tamma kiyda. Craybo tai-bo cancer hall?"
"Was it Dick Van Patten or Kieregaard who said, when you label me, you negate me?"
Also, he outplayed Russell Hantz
And so here we go.
In honor of Ralph, who could have
been a legend, but who instead got hosed when the producers decided to
focus all the airtime on Phillip and Boston Rob, I present to you
his one (and sadly, only) appearance on the Funny 115.
MY APOLOGIES TO YOU, MAN-BEAR
It's just a fun little moment he shares with Steve in their very last episode.
Since there were only two interesting members of Zapatera, I thought it
would be fitting to pay tribute to the two of them together in
this very cute scene. Which is both a perfect encapsulation of
everything that is Ralph, and a perfect encapsulation of everything
that is Steve. All rolled together in one little moment.
Here are they are together, for one last time, before we say goodbye to the two of them on the countdown.
Thanks for at least giving Redemption Island some entries, guys.
Okay, it's episode eleven. And Steve and Ralph are the final two Zapaterans.
Boston
Rob has systematically destroyed the rest of their tribe. At this
point, our two heroes are now all that remain.
It's going to be the two of them against six Ometepes.
The conqueror
At this point in the game, Steve and Ralph know they have to win immunity to stay alive.
And, sadly, at the end of episode eleven, they don't.
Grant wins immunity instead
So much for their dreams
whomp whomp
So Steve and Ralph head back to camp prior to Tribal Council. And it looks like it is all over for them.
Unless one of them manages to find a little crack (tm Rory), it appears that one of them is toast.
Hey, look, there's Ralph's little crack right there
Steve and Ralph head off to the shelter to talk strategy.
And this is where Steve learns that... talking strategy with Ralph is a little more difficult than one might expect.
"Ayfanda lemanter."
This isn't the most laugh out loud scene on the
countdown. But it's so perfect for both Ralph and Steve (and so
cute) that I couldn't resist.
Enjoy.
There are the Ometepes. Rob has made them unstoppable.
And there's Steve. This sucks.
And there's Ralph. Ralph likes gravy.
Steve and Ralph meet up quietly to discuss what they are going to do tonight.
And, as usual, Ralph lobs the first strategic salvo across.
His voice flows like velvet.
Like the great Morgan Freeman.
"Dum day one go hat."
Steve has no clue what the fuck Ralph just said
Steve (politely): "Pardon me?"
Undeterred, Ralph keeps his voice low, so as not to be overheard.
"Dum de tell no havin's."
Steve still has no clue what the heck he is saying.
So he asks, again, nicely.
"One more time?"
At this point, Ralph, undeterred by Steve's inability to understand the King's English, turns to his friend.
And he repeats... slowly....
"Goin' bean nutella man havin's."
Which, again, even WITH the subtitles, sounds nothing like the sounds that are coming out of his mouth.
And here's my favorite part.
Steve just nods his head in response. As if he has any idea what the hell Ralph just said.
(nodding, in agreement) "Yep. Mmm hmmmm."
And
if there's a better example of Steve being Steve, and Ralph being
Ralph, at some point during RI, I don't know what it is.
Nailed it
I wish
I had more to say about Redemption Island, and how funny and fun and
entertaining it was, but really, that's about as good as it gets.
It really does deserve its reputation as a dull, lifeless season.
Well,
okay, there is ONE more RI entry left on the countdown. But
you're going to have to wait a while for that one. I won't give
you any hints what it is, other than it involves Jesus and I
bet Boston Rob found it really hilarious.
Likes two-timing people
For now, let's say goodbye to Steve and Ralph. Two of the rare, shiny, intermittent stars in a very dull season.
"Bye, Ralph." "Bah tee."
They may not have left that much of a mark.
But then again, it's not like anyone else did.
And again, just to reiterate, this guy beat Russell at Survivor
P.S. I still feel
bad that I didn't get to include more Ralph on this countdown.
Although this helps. Here's a great quote about Ralph from
a guy named Blacramento over on Reddit.
Only Survivor gods can find idols without clues!
