The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#85.
Why Doesn't Jenn Care?
Worlds Apart - all season long
I don't care
In Survivor: Worlds Apart, we were introduced to
several fun first-time players, all of whom are destined to go
down in the annals of distinct, odd, quirky, memorable characters in
Survivor history. From Rodney, and his bromance and
Rodney-isms, to Mike, and his ever-changing voice in the middle of
confessionals. From Hali, and her steel-eyed lust
love for
America, to Dan, who is basically Judd dressed up as a 19th century
fisherman. From Shirin, who by law I am not allowed to say
anything about on the internet, to Vince, who I am assuming once tried
to
make love to a coconut.
Take
all these characters together, and throw them into the same
season, and it is no wonder why Worlds Apart is my favorite season on
this iteration of the Funny 115.
Dan and friends await news on the wreck of the Lady Elgin
And then, of course, there is the queen of the no-collars,
Jenn. Who sort of fits into her own category.
Jenn, for lack of a better term, didn't seem to care.
She
didn't seem to care on day one. She didn't seem to care on
day
twenty-seven. She did appear to care A LOT during her final
jury
speech, but I have always believed that was simply because she was
bored and she wanted to get back to Ponderosa. I think it
was because the final Tribal Council was going on too long,
and it
was taking away from her valuable drinking time.
Simply
put, Jenn Brown was the ultimate No-Collar. And she was
absolutely PERFECT for what the producers were trying to do with that
season.
Probably because most of the time she simply couldn't be
bothered to ever give a shit.
Okay, so let's look back at Jenn's hilarious voyage through
Survivor: Worlds Apart. And let's try to pinpoint the moments
that she actually did care.
For purposes of this entry, I
have invented something I call "The Jenn Care-O-Meter." This
is
where we can rank how much she cares about what is going on in the
game, on a scale from "Fuck this" to "I'm on a Jet Ski! Yay!"
Okay, let's begin.
Do we have to?
It's day one of Survivor: Worlds Apart, and here comes our
hero Jenn.
She's
young and energetic, and she has a big smile on her face.
Like
most longtime fans of the show who are finally achieving their dream,
she's just brimming with piss and vinegar and enthusiasm and life.
Mostly because she hasn't met that guy in the back yet
Jenn
arrives on the beach, and this is where we get our first glimpse of
what a true no-collar free spirit is really like. This is
where
we get our first fun Jenn quote.
"Money makes things easier. Have you ever seen an
unhappy person on a jet ski?"
"No."
Where are we on the Jenn-O-Meter at this point?
Right at the top, of course.
As
expected, Jenn is all smiles her first few moments on the beach.
And why wouldn't she be? After all, she loves
Survivor.
She loves the outdoors. She loves being around a
bunch of
no-collars. Plus, as a bonus, Vince hasn't tried to stick his
tongue in her ear yet, and she hasn't had to interact with supernerds
Max and Shirin. What possibly could go wrong in
Jenn's happy little world of surfing and rainbows and Bob Ross
paintings and unicorns?
The happy little No-Collars
"No-Collars love everyone. We just let things flow
right over us. We never get mad."
The No-Collars get along so well that they soon have their
own little rituals, and their own little language.
Like this, their "We're about to open a coconut" dance
And by the end of the first day, Jenn could not be happier
with this odd little collection of people she is living with.
She
even compares her living situation to that of hot butter.
Which,
if you are not familiar with no-collar street lingo, is apparently high
praise.
"No-Collar is a wonderful little community that is happening
right now."
"Everything's going great, we're meshing and flowing
smoother
than hot butter."
And this is a great time to point out that you might want to
remember that smile that graces Miss Brown's idealistic young face.
"I wanna, like, kiss everyone. I'm so happy."
Because it might be the last time you see it.
"Fuck."
DAY TWO.
Enter Vince.
"Hi, I'm Vince. Can I put the lotion on your skin?"
This is where the Jenn-O-Meter meets its first obstacle.
Because it is right around day two where Jenn starts to
become
acquainted with that weird guy on her tribe who always wears the
feathers in his hair.
Vince loves to walk around and hang out with her
He seems to do it a lot
And pretty soon Jenn realizes...
He kind of has a crush on her
Now, normally, I would assume Jenn wouldn't have all that much of a
problem with hanging around weirdos. After all, she's sort of
a
weirdo too. I mean, she's a sarcastic twenty something female
surfer who has an odd way of talking and who sort of looks like
Jeff Spicoli. In most cases I'm guessing she wouldn't
have much of a
problem dealing with people who are a little bit odd.
Aloha, Mr. Hand
But Vince? Well Vince is on a different playing
field. Not only he is a
close-talker, but he is also a hugger. He is an EXTREME
hugger.
And Jenn the surfer? Well she aint got time for
that.
"Do you like Joe more than me? Y/N?"
What?
I'm watching you. I watch you when you sleep.
Vince knows he is creeping her out, so he asks for a hug.
The beginning of a long Vince hug
Ten minutes later. Still hugging.
And this is where the Jenn-O-Meter starts to dip a little
bit.
"Vince is everything that I expected him to be.
And more, maybe."
"He's playing this game a little harder than I expected
coming out of those feathers."
"And I'm thinking, is it worth it to play whatever
he thinks I am to him?"
Still hugging
"Smile and nod is my approach with Vince right now."
And of course, it wouldn't be a Jenn quote without a little practical
life advice.
"And don't hug me forever after. We smell bad.
Okay?"
"Do not get this all up in my face."
Okay, so Jenn has the Vince obstacle to deal with.
And that sucks. But now here comes another little
obstacle
to deal with, and this one is even worse.
JENN WON'T PLAY WITH ME!
Yep, that's right. Here comes Nina, the middle aged woman who
cries every time the No-Collar girls won't play with her.
And this shit gets old faster than the Vince shit does.
Nina is mad that Jenn and Hali went skinny dipping without
her
Hali and Jenn exchange one of their first ever WTF looks.
Note that they haven't even met Rodney or Dan yet.
So much for the No-Collars just letting everything flow right over them.
"I'm on this amazing high, I'm going skinny dipping with my
friend."
"And Nina's crying. And angry. And
calling us mean
girls."
"Like, get it together Nina. You're crying on day four!"
We aren't even through the first two episodes,
and Jenn is already so over having wet underwear all the time, and she
is so over all this No-Collar tribe drama bullshit.
And
so it goes. Jenn pretty much only hangs out with Hali and
Joe,
because at this point they are the only two tribesmates she can stand.
Also, keep in mind, THIS IS ONLY DAY FOUR.
Jenn complains to Joe that Vince stands this close to you
when he talks
Hali listens to Jenn whine about Nina, while simultaneously
loving America and having no human compassion
The only time Jenn's interest in the game seems to perk up is
when
the No-Collars go to Tribal Council. And
that's
probably only because she gets to say mean things about Vince and Nina
and then vote them out. I mean, she might be a No-Collar, but
talking shit about your enemies is still always going to be fun.
I don't care who you are.
The No-Collars arrive at their first Tribal Council
Jenn all perky and excited because Vince won't be hugging
her any more after tonight
"I've been watching Survivor since I was eight, Jeff.
I feel like I'm watching you on television right now."
Bye Vince, she says gleefully.
*smuff*
Bye Nina
And just like that, Jenn has once again reached
one of her rare high points in her game.
No more Vince. No more Nina. How about
me and my girl Hali just go surfing all day?
No-Collar life is fun!
Yay!
And this is where we get the mantra that Jenn will live by
over and over for the rest of the season.
"Nothing's too serious out here. I don't know why
everyone
takes this game so seriously."
Jenn even randomly finds a hidden immunity idol.
Life
is certainly looking good for our young Miss Brown at this point in the
game.
Of course, being an anarchist, you know what her first
thought is upon finding the idol. It's not so much, "Hey,
this
is good for me!" as it is "Hey,
this is really going to suck for everyone else!"
And this is why I will always love a character like Jenn
Brown.
HEY, I CAN USE THIS MAGIC PIECE OF WOOD TO FUCK UP ALL THE STRATEGY FOR
EVERYONE!
"I can screw up the game so easily with this thing!"
Somewhere, Chaos Kass saw this, and she smiled
in approval.
My child!
PART 2: THE
TWIST
Well, I sure hope you weren't getting too used to Jenn being
happy all the time.
Because
in episode five, here comes the twist. And here comes Jenn's
first ever exposure to the world of the dorky know-it-all
Survivor
superfan.
Jenn's new tribe after the twist. The good news
is that she gets to keep Hali...
The bad news... is that she now inherits these two.
And life for our previously happy No-Collar will never be the same.
Jenn's reaction to Max and Shirin when they start talking
Survivor trivia
"Jenn, did you know that Vecepia was the first winner to
never win a reward challenge?"
"And did you know that every full All-Star season has had an
Australian Outback member make the finale?"
"Jenn, did you know that the average placement of a Survivor
contestant over 50 years old is 9.6?"
This is the section of the season that I like to call "Jenn's personal
hell."
Hey Jenn, want to hear me whistle? Watch.
I know how to whistle.
And just like that...
Jenn
can't stand Max, because he and his luxurious beard irritate her to no
end. But most of her annoyance at this point seems centered
at
Shirin. Mostly 'cause, in the words of famous Navy Seal Rudy
Boesch, "she aint never shut up since we got here."
"The chick with the long hair, I don't know her name.
But I
don't like her."
"I don't know. I just don't like her.
Maybe it's her voice."
"She hasn't stopped talking since we got here."
Between Max and his trivia and his warty feet,
and Shirin and her incessant yammering and her monkey sex fetish, this
is the biggest test thus far for our beloved No-Collar hero Jenn.
This is basically if Vince and Nina combined into
one person
and they came back from the dead. There is nowhere Jenn can
go to
escape these two strange creatures called "superfans."
"Jenn, did you know that Mookie Lee is the first person to
lose every immunity challenge and still make the merge?"
"Did you know that Sandra, Cassandra, Kassandra, and Sundra
have placed 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, respectively?"
Jenn then gives one of my favorite Jenn quotes of the season when she
talks about how annoying the two of them are.
"I've seen every season of Survivor. And I'm a huge fan of
the game."
"But
Max knows every little detail about everything that's ever happened on
Survivor. It's crazy. Like, why do you know this much?"
"Why do you like, remember like... the tiniest..."
"It's
like people that remember, like, the '96 Bulls game against the Heat on
like, October 13th or whenever basketball happens."
"Actually, basketball season starts in late October.
So your quote is inaccurate."
Oh great. Now we've got Tyler involved. Thanks a
lot Jenn.
So anyway, here's where we are until Max is voted out
Oh yeah, and about that...
*smuff*
"Did you know I was voted out the same day as
Ashley Trainer?"
Oh just kill me now.
And so this is Jenn's life for the next two episodes. She has
to
deal with Shirin. And even though she only has to deal with
Max
for one episode, she still has to deal with him.
The only real
bright spot is the turtle reward that she gets to go on in
episode
six. At least that one raises her spirits a little.
Jenn's tribe excited that they get to go see the life cycle
of the baby sea turtle
Jenn and friends (and Shirin) watching a mama turtle lay her
eggs on the beach
Thank god Max isn't here to give me some
fucking turtle trivia
Well at least this was kind of cool. Jenn's life might suck
at the moment, but at least she gets to watch a turtle lay over a
hundred eggs in a hole. One of which might actually make it
to
the ocean and become a successful baby turtle one day.
Jenn,
naturally, then gives a confessional where she compares the
life
cycle of a turtle to her chances in the game of Survivor. As
you
do.
"I
was fascinated, but also, like, it made me realize that a
turtle's
chances at life are way worse odds than me winning Survivor."
"You know, I do have a one in fourteen chance at a million
dollars."
"As opposed to a one in a hundred chance at living."
"So that's cool."
And going into the merge, this is where we now stand on the Jenn
Care-O-Meter.
By the way, remind yourself that she still hasn't met
Rodney or Dan yet. So this is about the highest her meter
will
ever be for the rest of the season.
PART 3: THE MERGE
Oh, and speaking of Dan...
It's okay though, because I pissed on it.
Um, pissing on it doesn't really help, Dan.
Don't you tell me about proper urinary sterilization.
I'm Dan Foley. My ancestors invented pissing on
things.
Annnnnd we're back.
Suffice it to say, Jenn is going to be on one long downward spiral of
not-giving-a-shititude from here on out.
I mean, good lord. Just watch the rest of her story arc, and
watch her level interest drop as more and more things that annoy
her start piling onto her.
First off, the episode seven immunity challenge, where she
gets stung in the lady bits
Jenn is just sitting there, minding her own business, when a bee comes
along and stings her.
Ouch!
"You okay up there?"
No!
"Where did it get you?"
"Where my hand is, Jeff."
"Are you crying or laughing?"
"Both!"
By the way, here is another great underrated Jenn quote.
"Are you serious, life?"
Luckily, the sting turns out not to be serious.
But that doesn't stop nice guy Vince from coming over and
wanting to take
a closer look at it.
Seeking some truth
Like I said, emotionally, Jenn is pretty much on auto pilot
from here on out. All she is really invested in in
the game
is chilling out with her friend, Hali. But beyond that, fuck
it.
Beyond that, all she really cares about is hanging around,
and
having some laughs, and making fun of all the other players
who take
things so seriously.
Like this fun scene in episode seven at Tribal Council.
At Tribal Council, people are talking about how important
this vote is, and how the results are going to split everyone apart
Jenn, of course, has to mock the shit out of how seriously they are all
treating it.
"Like everyone's been saying..."
"There's gonna be all these definitive lines."
Oooooooh.
Then Jenn does exactly what she wanted to do
earlier when she found the hidden immunity idol. She uses it
to
save herself from the vote, and to blindside Kelly.
Which pisses
nearly everyone off. So mission accomplished, I
guess,
Everyone glares at Jenn after she plays her idol and she
fucks up the game
Ha ha. Suckers.
The morning after the big "Ha ha I pissed off everyone in the game"
vote? Well this might be Jenn's last smile in the entire
game.
Make sure you get a picture of it.
"I knew they were gonna vote for me last night, so I played
my idol"
Care
to elaborate on what you think of the rest of the players in the game,
Jenn? Care to share a little bit of your empathy with us?
"The rest of the tribe was, like, mouth open, like shocked.
And sad."
"Oh, poor Kelly."
"Who gives a shit?"
"I thought it was great."
At this point, Jenn has no plans in the game other than to just sit
there and mess with everyone else's plans.
Why?
"Because it provides me with entertainment."
My child!
PART 4: NO MORE FUCKS
TO BE GIVEN
Unfortunately,
this idol play proves to be Jenn's last hurrah in the game.
Because in the very next episode, her best friend Hali is
voted
out. And that is a blow.
Bye Jenn. No more surfing playdates.
Sorry.
R.I.P. Halt.
*smuff*
I get to go and drink beer. What do you
guys get to do? Not that. Peace.
With Halt gone, Jenn will now be emotionally checked out of the game
for the rest of the season. So we might as well set the
Jenn-O-Meter to the bottom and leave it at that. It is never
going to budge again until the day she gets out of the game and she
gets back to Ponderosa.
Jenn's interest in this game is now officially as unmovable as the
stool in Bruce Kanegai's colon.
Game over, man. Game over.
Okay, so let's end Jenn's story arc with a bang.
I mean, she might not care about the game anymore, but at least she
still has some fun Jenn-isms she can drop on us.
She will always have that going for her.
Episode 9 - Right after the Halt vote.
Jenn looks to the sky for inspiration.
"The girls are fucked. We're all fucked."
"Whaaaaatever."
Any more quotes you can share with us, oh fountain of rainbows and
optimism?
"This would suck less if the people sucked less."
"None of this is fun."
"I've got nothing out here, except for despair."
The only fun she has at all at this point is when Rodney
pulls out his killer impressions of Mike and Dan. Which make
Jenn
laugh so hard that you can bet your butt this is going to be an entry
that is much higher when it comes to the Funny 115. So let me
just skip over this scene for now. Forget I even talked about
it.
Rodney doing his impression of Mike
But then? Right back to
the death spiral.
"Me, Joe, and Shirin are at the bottom."
"The more I ask to leave, the less likely I am to leave."
"If they plan to keep me around, I'm gonna give them a
reason to kick me out."
Jenn's only real play at this point is to win immunity and/or get the
idol again just so she can fuck with everyone. Which isn't
really
a strategy, per se, but at least it will be fun.
She almost wins a spite immunity in the "balance shit on
your head" challenge, but Tyler pulls it off at the end instead
It's because her head wasn't flat enough. Biology
failed her too.
Now Jenn is literally asking people to vote for her tonight.
Now she has reached a new low of caring, even for her.
"It sounds pathetic."
"But I don't care."
Episode 9 Tribal Council. Jenn expects to go home.
Jenn
WANTS to go home. But sadly, the tribe can't even do THAT for
her. They vote out her other best friend, Joe, instead.
Jenn does get to see Halt over in the jury though.
So that's nice.
PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!
Jeff even goes so far to question Jenn's motivation in the game at
this point. As if he really needs to. All you have
to do
is look at her to see that she just wants out of here.
"I was surprised how well you did in the immunity challenge
today, Jenn."
"Because I still can't figure out if you are enjoying your
time here or
not."
"One minute you're apathetic."
(imitating Jenn) "I don't care, I just need some chocolate.
No one
likes me."
"The next minute you're hanging in there, almost winning
immunity."
"Can you not wanna be here and wanna be here?"
Of course Jenn would have a smart ass answer for this.
"Yes. Absolutely."
She goes on to say that all she really cares about at this point is
winning that immunity necklace.
"So what would you do with that necklace?"
"Since you don't really care?"
"I would give it to Joe."
"Just to see the look on everyone else's
faces. Cause they'd
all be so pissed."
This Kass-esque line of contempt prompts a great round of eye rolling
from the other players left in the game. You have to watch
for it
though, because it happens so quick.
But then, alas. Jenn isn't voted out. They vote out
Joe instead.
Jenn's reaction to this is classic.
But hey, not all is lost. Jenn might have lost her two
best friends in the game, but at least she still has one more.
Right?
And so now we reach Jenn's final episode in Survivor: Worlds Apart.
It
has been a struggle. It has been a slog. It has
been a
nightmare. But at least in her final episode, she gets to do
something fun for a while.
What is that one thing she gets to do that she seems to love so much?
Hey, anyone want to bid on this giant chalice of alcohol?
Ooh
Right here!
And just like that...
Oh I see NOW you're interested
Jenn gets to end her Worlds Apart experience happy
Although not before she gets to take at least one last final dig at
everyone.
Mike wins immunity in her final episode. And it
pisses everyone off.
Jenn, of course, is right there to comment on everyone's anger
at him.
"Yeah Mike!"
"No one else get too excited."
And just like that, Jenn finally gets her wish.
She is gone.
Jenn, the tribe has spoken. You can go get wasted with Halt
and Joe now.
Awww neat! Little hearts!
And so there you have it. My tribute to one of my
favorite characters in one of my favorite seasons. If you
thought
Rodney in Worlds Apart was quotable, go back and pay attention to all
the Jenn quotes next time. In my opinion she is even MORE fun
and
quotable than Rodney. And for me that is saying something.
Jenn is basically the closest thing we have to a Sandra or a
Courtney Yates between seasons 21-30 of Survivor. She is just
this snarky little surfer girl who sits back, doesn't care, and takes
digs at everyone. And I have always absolutely LOVED
characters
like that.
I'm sort of like Luc Longley
Or, you know, whoever basketball players are.
Jenn Brown. The hero that Worlds Apart needed. The
hero we all need. The hero who
reminds us all on the internet not to take Survivor so damn seriously
all the time.
After all, it's not life and death.
It's only a TV show.
The legend
P.S.
Want to see how much of a potty mouth Jenn was during Worlds
Apart? Check out all these screen caps I found of the times
the
editors had to blur her mouth because she was swearing. Like
I
said earlier, little laid back no collar surfer girl is approaching
Sandra
territory here.
P.P.S. I never could find a way to use her "magic"
quote in the entry (sorry!), but here is a picture I found on the
internet that makes me laugh. So please accept this as my
peace
offering if you are annoyed that I left that scene out.
P.P.P.S.
"Did you know that, after Gretchen, a woman wasn't the first
one voted out at the merge until Michelle Yi in Fiji?"
"Did you know you can shut the fuck up?"
P.P.P.P.S I felt bad that I took so many digs at
Max in this
entry, so as a compromise, here. I am posting this picture
that
proves he and Jenn actually became friends after the show. I
hope
this absolves me for every time I am going to use that Nerdy
Max
trivia picture later in the countdown. Hopefully.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Don't worry, Jenn's final words and
her "horse
race" analogy between Max and Shirin will get their own entries later.
I didn't forget them.
** Thanks to Cory Gage
for the Lion King Brad Culpepper picture **
