The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#91.
Shirin and the Art of Seduction
Worlds Apart - episode 8
Remember Shirin?
Of course you do. You can't really think about Worlds Apart
without thinking of Shirin. Her name will be synonymous with
that terrible mean-spirited awful
amazing season
for as long as Survivor chooses to stay on the air. And why
not?
After all, she was a weird little character. And
you can't
have a weird little season like Worlds Apart without a kooky little
weirdo running around getting all the airtime. And no, you
think
I'm talking about Vince, but I'm not. We're not even up to
all of
the Vince entries yet.
Vince (left) with Max
Shirin was odd. She was quirky.
She was
off-putting. And she was sort of hard to relate to.
She especially had no way to relate to Dan, since she had
no tragic backstory that could compare to his life story of being
adopted.
But through it all, she persevered.
And this odd little weirdo gave us two wonderful moments that
I thought I would combine into one entry.
First off, let's focus on the scene where Shirin crosses off one of her
bucket list items when she sees two monkeys banging each other in a
tree.
Honestly,
I could have just ended the entry right there with that sentence, but
for purposes of posterity let's go watch Shirin watch monkey sex.
You
knew this was going to wind up on the Funny 115 the moment you saw it,
didn't you? Thank God that Shirin watches the show the same
way
that I do.
I JUST SAW MONKEY PORN!
Okay, so it is episode three of Worlds Apart, and Shirin is walking
alone in the woods.
She's walking alone, along a path, and then she sees it.
She sees a monkey up there.
Because
she is a such a big fan of the show, she decides that she is
going
to do a tribute to her favorite Survivor from Survivor: Guatemala,
Judd, and she starts hooting up at it.
You didn't realize this was a tribute to Guatemala, did you?
Ancient ruin, man.
So Shirin is standing there, hooting away, and lo and behold, here
comes another monkey.
Shirin smiles up at her musical simian friends, and she smiles warmly.
And then...
Something unexpected happens.
Holy shit, that monkey's sack hangs lower than Rudy's!
Shirin looks on in wondrous amazement as one of the monkeys
starts giving it to the other one
It looks something like this
Shirin stands there like the world's biggest perv as she watches monkey
sex all the way up to the money shot.
She even gives a little fist pump after the male finishes by
climaxing all over the female's chest.
A pearl necklace! Yes!
And here is the part of this scene that I love.
Shirin is so excited that she has to run back to camp to
tell everyone what she just saw
Get ready. Here comes the little weirdo to tell us
something.
I JUST SAW MONKEY SEX!
What?
The rest of the tribe can only lay there in horror as
Shirin tries to explain the implicit beauty of two animals fucking each
other.
Oh dear god
Oh please, not this
I wonder if either of those monkeys ever knew their birth mom
But you can't stop her now. Shirin is in full
Shirin mode. She's gonna tell you this story whether you like
it
or not.
"And he was totally boning her from behind!"
"And then he rode the pony!"
"And then he totally jizzed like four feet!"
Now, you'd think that would have been a Funny 115 entry just on its
own. After all, how can you not love Shirin watching monkey
sex?
And no, I didn't ask you Tyler. We know you don't
like
anything.
I wasn't 100% sure the monkey sex scene was big enough to warrant an
entry on its own. But it's okay, because it actually ties in
with
the next part. Because the next scene is the REAL reason I
decided to make this an entry.
Yes, I can only be talking
about the scene in episode eight, where Probst and Shirin have a weird
little mating dance over the extent of her superfandom.
The ancient art of seduction
Without question, this was one of the most highly requested entries out
of any the suggestions I got for version three of the Funny 115.
Okay, so let's get to Probst and Shirin doing their little dance.
Which has nothing to do with the earlier monkey sex scene,
until
you realize that we are sort of watching a bizarre little mating ritual
in both scenes. So it actually kind of fits.
He is Probst. I will have him.
By the way, I know I take a lot of digs at Probst on the Funny 115,
but this is one of those scenes where he is just hilarious.
So I
will totally give credit where credit is due this instance.
No one
else could have pulled off this scene as awesomely as Jeff Probst does.
Hulk smash
Okay, so here it is. Shirin and Probst doing their awesome
little superfan dance.
Presented from start to finish, without any commentary.
It's episode eight, and the remaining players left in the
game are competing in an individual immunity challenge
Jeff points out that this is going to be a puzzle challenge
"Shirin, how you feeling? A puzzle."
"No balance beam. No obstacles."
"A puzzle."
"This is what I've been waiting for this whole time."
"I'm a computer scientist so this should be my arena."
"I mean, it really comes down to how big of a fan I am."
"I'm still just so stoked to be here."
"And I wanna be here so badly."
"That I just..."
"Freak out."
"So you gotta..."
Bring it in?
"I got so much energy, Jeff!"
"I just gotta contain it!"
"Like the opposite of a bomb, I've gotta..."
"Yes. What you just did."
"You know what I'm talking about?"
Seriously, what the fuck?
"Okay. So it's time for immunity!"
Is moist
And so there you have it. Shirin sees one mating ritual, and
she
gets off to it, and then she participates in another mating ritual, and
it both cases it is awkward, bizarre, slightly creepy, and
hilarious.
And so I say it again. How can you not love Worlds Apart?
God damnit. Shut up, Tyler.
P.S. Oh yeah, here is their little
mating dance in its
entirety. Thank you to Daniel Rona for creating this for me.
P.P.S.
"Shirin, I'm going to ask for a favor. If I ever
have sex with a monkey, don't watch."
** thanks to Joe Jennings
and Ryan Gomez for the ASCII/Ryan Shoulders picture. **
