The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#93.
Dan Makes A First Impression
Worlds Apart - episode 1
Well, it was inevitable. You knew there would be a
Dan Foley entry sooner or later.
First off, let's get this out of the way. Dan is
going to be the biggest character on this version of the Funny 115.
There, I said it, and I don't feel bad about it.
Dan is going to be the Coach of this countdown. And it's not
even going to be close.
The last thing a hot dog sees
And why
do I say Dan is going to be the star of this countdown?
Well... uh...
Um...
Er...
Something something auDACity! Something something
unMITiGATEd GAll!
I'm sorry. Have you ever seen
Dan?
The Mantie Slayer
Okay, so let's get to Dan's introduction in the first
episode of Worlds Apart. Which was absolutely fitting, and
was a perfect representation of what we were going to get from him for
the next thirteen magical episodes.
Let's just say that if you enjoyed Judd back in Guatemala,
you will enjoy Dan. Or, as I like to call him, Judd version
2.0. If Survivor were the Terminator franchise, Dan Foley
would be the Judd T-1000. He is the exact
same loudmouth buffoon who says dumb stuff and who always puts
his foot in his mouth, only this is the modernized liquid metal
version. Dan Foley is basically the ÜberJudd.
RODNEY'S MOTHER HAS AYYY DEEE DEEE!
It's episode one of Worlds Apart, and this is where we get our first
glimpse of the legendary ÜberJudd.
Oh, this one is going to be a bright ray of sunshine.
Dan gives his first confessional right off the bat.
Where, in typical Foley fashion, he makes a bold prediction
about Survivor that is going to come true later down the road.
Only, it is not going to come true in the way that
Dan intends
it to come true.
Basically, if you know the famous horror story "The Monkey's Paw", pay
attention to all of Dan's predictions this season, and how horribly
wrong they go each and every time he opens his mouth. And
watch how the editors completely bury him and make fun of him
with his own word choices and predictions. I'm not
going to get too much into it in this entry, since I am saving all that
for a much higher entry, but the way that Dan's Survivor experience is
turned into "The Monkey's Paw" is one of the most epic things the
editors have ever done in the history of Survivor. It is one
of those storylines that even James Miller, the Oracle of Ulong,
probably saw and said, "Dang, the editors must have really hated that
guy."
"Also, I am totally going to be invited back for Survivor:
Game Changers. Hell yeah."
Okay, so here is Dan's first confessional of the season.
Where he drops the quote that he is going to hate that he
said later down the road.
”One way or the other, you will not forget
me.”
Dan gets his first confessional, and then he gets to meet
his new Blue Collar tribesmates.
And it actually goes pretty well, considering that one of
the people involved in this scene is Dan
Dan works hard. He plays hard. Although he doesn't
work as hahd or play as hahd as Rodney. But all things
considered, Dan's first day with the Blue Collars actually goes pretty
smoothly.
"We did what needed to be done, because we find a way.
We're Blue Collars. That's what we do."
Dan even sits down to tell us what his strategy is going to
be in this game. Naturally, these words are going to be quite
hilarious when you know his storyline later and you look back at them
in retrospect.
"Survivor is camaraderie. You have to focus on
trying to build that camaraderie."
Oh, and how does Dan build the camaraderie on day one with
his new friends, the Blue Collars? Well the same way you
would, of course. He does it through juggling. He
builds camaraderie through random, shirtless fat guy juggling.
I love the look on Mike's face here. Um, who the
hell is this pirate and why is he juggling?
At the end of the day? Dan's happy. He juggled.
He made friends. He didn't domestically abuse
anyone. On day one of Survivor, Dan and the Blue Collars
kicked ass.
"In one sentence?"
"Blue collar? Kicked ass."
Ah yes. But then, of course, there was that SECOND
day...
Well, it was nice knowing you Dan
Okay, so it's early on the second day at the Blue Collar
camp, and the tribe is trying to put their shelter together.
The Blue Collars building a shelter
And Dan, of course, has issues with the way they are doing
this.
It's like they don't even know basic non-orthogonal math
The editors keep cutting to shots of Dan looking on with the
stupidest, most open-mouthed look on his face. And it would
be mean if you didn't laugh at how often they keep doing it.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
The rare trifecta
And then we get the conversation that pretty much everyone
remembers.
Dan: "That's stupid.
That is the dumbest
thing that you can do."
Sierra: "Why are you upset?"
"I'm not upset."
"I mean, why are you concerned?"
And now Dan drops one of the greatest soundbytes of the
season.
Note: I only hope I can capture
Dan's weird speaking cadence in print.
"Bamboo. Is HOLllllow."
"It. Won't. STAY."
"It will SPLit the bamboo. And DRRRrrop us."
"I. Am a FAtttttt guy."
"It's. Not. GOing. To hoLD."
I love this shot of Lindsey trying not to laugh as Dan is
giving his big dramatic Dan speech
Lindsey is able to keep it together, but you can't say the
same for Sierra. Sierra listens to Dan get about three
sentences out, and she proves how much of a game changer she is by
laughing right there in his face.
This is a big move
Lindsey hears Sierra laughing at Dan, and now she loses it
too. Dan sort of has that effect on people.
Dan, of course, is not happy that the girls don't take him
seriously, and that his tribesmates are now laughing openly in his
face. So now he becomes a big Pouty McPouterson.
I can't believe they won't bring back McRib.
The rest of the morning is spent with Dan whining about the
shelter, and nobody listening to him. And with the women of
the Blue Collar tribe all talking shit about him in confessionals
behind his back.
"Dan gets under my skin because he just says things that are
over the top. And dramatic."
"He's the one person that doesn't belong."
Kelly even offers her keen powers of psychoanalysis.
Which is I bet the first time that you remembered there was
actually a player named "Kelly" on Survivor: Worlds Apart.
"Dan doesn't have those social skills to just work it out."
There's even a weird little scene where the editors have fun
by making a bit of commentary about Dan.
Dan: "No. No I'm not."
So Dan fights over the shelter, he gets under everyone's
skin, and no one listens to his perfectly reasonable argument that he
is a fat guy and that sometimes fat guys just randomly plummet to the
ground.
I mean, come on. Have you guys ever watched a
Chris Farley movie?
By the way, quick little trivia note: I don't
normally call people "fat guys" in my writeups, because that's
a mean phrase and I try not to be super mean when I am writing
the Funny 115. But in this case, Dan literally referred to
himself as "a fat guy" in a Survivor scene. So at that point
then, all bets are off. My apologies to any fat guys
out there who are offended by this.
"Hey Rodney, want to see me do Fat Guy in a Little Coat?"
So where were we?
Oh yeah, Dan is making enemies left and right on his tribe.
and people are now just openly laughing at him every time he
opens his mouth.
This is not a good way to build your Survivor camaraderie.
"You better tuck that lip in, boy, before you get it caught
on a trip wire."
-Forrest Gump
Oh yeah, and here are shots of the Blue Collars just
laughing at him every time he throws a little Dan tantrum.
Note that we are still only on day TWO here. This
is where Dan's social game has gotten him in less than thirty-six hours.
Lindsey laughs at him
Rodney laughs at him
Game changer Sierra laughs at him
Becky hears him from Cook Islands and she loses her shit
Rodney starts openly telling everyone that they need
to get Harry Pottah's grandfathah outta here.
Dan then offers his keen powers of observation when he rightfully
points out:
"I am not faring well in this game."
Okay, and this is where most people think this scene ends. A
lot of people remember Dan's first day in Worlds Apart, and they
remember the fat guy comment, and they remember the bamboo, and they
remember everyone laughing at him, but they DON'T remember that there
is actually a second part to this scene. And to me, this is
actually the funnier part.
Let's just say that Dan's ability to make a first impression has not
reached its horrifying conclusion yet.
Because two seconds later, now he is walking around in his
manties
Oh for the love of god.
Dan is speaking with Mike down on the beach, and he is
lamenting the fact that people don't seem to like him, and that nobody
on the tribe takes him seriously.
Again, let's point out that he is complaining that nobody
takes him seriously as he is wearing a banana hammock
Dan whines that nobody takes him seriously when he offers
his opinions
Yeah. That's, uh, a real shame, Dan.
I am a player, Mike. These people need to respect
that.
Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look
up.
What do I need to do to make them respect me?
Well... you could maybe lose the manties.
And just like that...
Hell comes to Nicaragua.
"Hey guys, guess what? I lost my manties."
Dan somehow loses his shorts in the ocean. And now
he is forced to walk around camp with some sort of a "makeshift
shirt-pants"* tied around his waist.
* tm 2014 Mike Holloway.
Dan comes back to camp minus his pants
Take that, Modern Family
Mike can't help but laugh at what Dan looks like waddling
around camp without any pants
Lindsey and Sierra absolutely lose it when Dan walks by them
while pulling a Rupert
Even Burton loses it. And he wasn't even there.
And with that, Dan has made one of the all time worst
best first
impressions you can make on your tribe on Survivor.
What the fuck, Dan?
"I can't rawdog in jeans, man."
Lindsey and game changer Sierra are speechless
And Lindsey finishes the scene with the perfect capper for
Day 2 of the Dan Foley experience.
"This can't be real life. Is it?"
They both laugh at all this
Dan Foley is already a legend after only one episode.
And here's the good news. Or the bad news, depending on your
point of view.
From a Funny 115 point of view, we are just getting started.
I am a fat guy. Sometimes I need to make myself a
little belt dick.
"We don't take him seriously as a player. So I
think Dan now just wants to
be known as 'The funny guy'"
P.S. By now, pretty much everyone knows that Dan
went on a
big tirade after Worlds Apart ended, where he claimed that he got a
very unfair edit on TV, and that the producers went out of their way to
make him look bad and to turn him into the butt of the joke.
Now,
obviously, people get bad edits on Survivor all the time.
That
has been one of the staples of the show since the very first season.
In fact, Stacey Stillman was the first person to complain
about
her edit in Peter Lance's excellent book about the first season, titled
"The Stingray."
Because this has always been a Survivor
tradition, it's kind of a weird to me that a superfan like Dan
would be so outraged that the show would do this to someone when the
show has LITERALLY BEEN DOING THIS TO PEOPLE EVERY SINGLE SEASON IT HAS
EVER BEEN ON THE AIR. I'm not sure why he thought he would be
immune from that if he knew so much about the history of the show and
he knew how unfair most of the edits usually are.
However... that being said... Dan DOES have a point
when
you watch this first episode again and you pay attention to what the
editors are doing with it. Watch that "I am a fat guy.
I
can't sleep on bamboo" scene again, and pay attention to what Dan says
at the start of it. You know how he says "That's stupid.
That is the dumbest thing you can do"? Well Dan
never
actually says that to Sierra and Lindsey. If you watch the
scene
again, and you pay attention, you will notice that is an
overdub
that they probably stole from one of his confessionals. You
can
tell because it is said in a complete different tone of voice
than
the rest of the scene, and more importantly, you never actually see it
coming out of Dan's mouth. The editors just sort of stuck it
in
there as a lead-in to the scene, and they fooled you into thinking Dan
actually said it to Sierra and Lindsey.
This isn't to give Dan a
pass on his argument that "the editors fabricated my
story, they
turned me into a buffoon", because that's just silly.
Besides,
the editors do that to players all the time, I'm not sure why he
thought he would be any different. But he IS telling the
truth
about certain scenes being edited differently than they happened.
The fat guy/bamboo/that is the stupidest thing you can do
scene
is just one piece of evidence in that argument. As my Dan
Foley
entries go along, I am sure we'll find more.
P.P.S. So I don't end this entry on too serious a
note, here
is a great quote from a reader of mine named campofapproval over at
Reddit:
In
general, I feel like the term "mansplaining" is overused. But
I feel
like it was invented to describe Dan Foley.
He's always just ... DANSPLAINING.
P.P.P.S. And, of course, the follow up.
The Judd-1000, in between Dantrums
*** Thanks to Ethan Kyle
for the Brad Culpepper/Cambodia voters idea **
