Mario Stories

A Story About Amish Food

THE REQUEST: Write about a funny experience you shared with your kids



This story (which is pretty famous in our family, and is awfully cute) happened in the summer of 2014.

I hope you're going to enjoy it as much as we do.




That's right, it's time for a family vacation story!



In the summer of 2014, Diana’s parents decided to pay for us all take a trip together to Washington D.C. Basically, because they wanted to make sure their grandkids got some actual culture at some point in their lifetime. They wanted to make sure my kids got to go visit our nation's capital.

So we all flew out to D.C. in July of 2014.

And yada yada yada, you know how it goes. It was a wonderful family experience. And we made memories that will last forever. And we all learned a lot about history. And you’ll never spend enough quality time with your kids. Blah blah blah. You know, it turned out to be that kind of stuff.




Hey look, George Washington's monogrammed sack of flour



But this isn’t a story about Washington, D.C., unfortunately.

Nope. It’s actually a story about what we did right BEFORE we went to Washington D.C.

It’s a cute little story about our very first time in Amish Country.




Hope you brought your own buttons



See, when Diana’s parents told us about the trip., I realized we actually had a few days before and after our time in D.C. where we could drive around the area, and we could do some other stuff too. Basically, we could tack a couple extra days onto the trip, and we could get greedy.

So I proposed to Diana that she and I take the kids, and we fly out a few days early. Just the four of us. And we drive around and see stuff like Philadelphia. And Hershey. And Gettysburg. And, I don't know, fucking Delaware. And who knows, maybe even the place where Danny Devito makes all those Jersey Mike's ads.

And, of course, the crown jewel of the stuff a tourist has to do if you’re in Pennsylvania for a couple of days.

We absolute HAD to take the kids out to Amish country.




We HAD to go see some actual Amish stuff



Side note: Diana and I had actually been to Amish Country once before. We had driven through it back in 1996, when we were doing a cross country road trip right after we graduated from college. We visited Lancaster when we were twenty-two years old.

So even though this would be our kids' first time there... for us grownups... it would actually be our SECOND time there. Diana and I were already old pros at driving around and looking for Amish stuff.




Our first trip to the east coast - California to Maine in June of '96



Side note #2: Oh yeah. In the interest of fairness, I guess I should probably mention this part, too.

Want to know how much Amish stuff Diana and I saw back in 1996, the first time we drove through Lancaster? NONE. That’s how much we saw.

What happened was... I remember this very well... we got stuck in this really nasty traffic jam in downtown Lancaster that day in June of '96. And we spent nearly ninety minutes just sitting there, in a dead stop, in ninety degree heat. As they cleared out an accident on the main highway.

And then afterwards, when we finally drove around looking for Amish stuff, we realized that "Amish Country" isn’t actually Lancaster the city. It’s actually Lancaster THE COUNTY. And I know that might seem obvious to anyone who's reading this, that the city might be different than the county, but... um... it was certainly new information for me when I was twenty-two years old. Remember, I'm not from this part of the country. I was just some kid from Seattle. I didn't know how any of this worked.

In 1996, the only people we saw walking around Lancaster were the frigging English. And I’m sorry, but if I wanted to see the frigging English, I would have stayed back in L.A.




Seen it. Done that.



In any case...

Let's just say that, for the first forty years of my life, my thoughts about “Lancaster- Amish Country” were pretty similar to Jeff Goldblum’s opinion of Jurassic Park after the first couple of hours.




"Uh, now eventually you do plan to have Amish people here in your Amish country, right? Eventually?"




"Hello? Hello?"



So anyway.

This was where my mindset was as we headed out to Pennsylvania in the summer of 2014.

I was like, I'm forty years old now. I’m now a mature grown adult man. I’m no longer some idiot little twenty-two year old kid.

And this mature adult man wants to see some god damn Amish stuff for the first time in his life.




Come on. At least give me something, dude.



So here's how the trip goes.

Diana and I (and our kids, of course, Vanessa and Nick) fly out to Philadelphia in July of 2014. It's our very first time in the city.

And when we get up to the rental car counter at the Philadelphia airport, the guy who is working there asks what we're planning to do. He's like, are you going to take the kids over to Independence Hall? Are you going to run up the Rocky steps? Are you going to get a world famous Pat’s King of Steaks?




Everyone winds up here eventually



And I said no, my good man, we’re not here to do that. We're here to see Amish stuff!

Please point me in the general direction!




The general direction



Side note: Yes, of course, we did all that other stuff too.




See?




See?




Bet you didn't know I have a museum named after me there



So anyway, after we did all that other stuff...

All that other OBLIGATORY stuff...




Like get my first cheesesteak



... on our second day in Pennsylvania, we finally drove out to Lancaster.

To Lancaster COUNTY this time. Not Lancaster the city.




Because someone was older and smarter this time



And guess what we saw in Lancaster County this time?




Lllllllllots of Amish people



Yeah.

It turned out that... apparently... in the eighteen years since we'd last been here...

Amish Country had gotten much better.




Behold















Naturally, of course...

Once we were finally in the middle of Amish Mecca for the first time, we did all the stuff that an embarrassing west coast tourist is supposed to do.




We tried Shoo-Fly Pie for the first time




It tastes like a cinnamon roll




We visited an authentic Amish farm that gave pony rides




We tried homemade root beer for the first time



And even though I never changed up my image, by buying myself a cool Amish hat...




... the option was there, had I chosen to do so



We also took part in the three time-honored traditions that apparently EVERYONE has to go through the first time they visit Amish Country...




We got stuck behind a buggy that was going way too slow in the road




We enjoyed all the shirts in the gift shops



And of course, the rite of passage for EVERYONE who visits Amish Country for the first time...




We were horrified by how much they were trying to charge for a quilt



In any case, that was our very first trip to Amish Country. A day of food, fun, happiness, merriment, buggies going WAY too slow in the road, and root beer.

Oh, and of course, Amish guys.

Lots and lots of somber-looking old Amish guys.




"Do you like getting Munsoned? I sure don't."



Oh yeah, and SPEAKING of somber-looking old Amish guys, we now come to the meat of this story. The part that I wanted to tell you about.

See, I wasn't even to the fun part of the story yet.

I gotta tell you about the time we met David.




David



David was... well, he was our buggy driver.

Because come on. Do you think we'd go to Amish Country for the first time in our lives, and NOT take a buggy ride??

Of COURSE we were going to take a buggy ride!




'Cause that's what you DO!



In the city of Ronks, we stopped at a place called "Amish Farm Tours."

They offered tourists a one hour horse and buggy tour. With a local guy going along with you, and showing you around. Basically, you'd get your own personal tour guide.

So we signed up to take one, of course.

And that's how we were paired with our own personal Amish guy for an hour, David.




Again, David



As you can guess, David asked me not to take his picture. So I didn't. I actually only got the side of him in that picture by accident. I didn't mean to.

But if you can imagine what an old Amish guy looks like, I recall he looked something like that.

Here, you can use this picture as a reference. David looked something like this.




"Did you think Kelly McGillis was hot? I sure did."



So we got paired with David as our tour guide. And we all headed out for our farm tour.

And if I recall, three of us sat in the back, in the back of the buggy. And then my son Nick sat up front, next to David. Because that's basically the policy in buggies. The smallest kid always sits up front, and gets to talk to the driver. 




Amish law



By the way, I asked Nick later what he and David had talked about for an hour. Because it was hard to hear them in the back, and they were always making small talk with each other. Well, DAVID was always making small talk, anyway. Nick is exceptionally quiet. He won't say anything unless you specifically ask him to.

So I asked my eleven year old son what he and this old Amish guy talked about for an hour up there in the front.

Nick's answer?

"He mostly pointed out how many chores I'd be doing if I lived here. I think he was trying to scare me."




My son. Maybe not ready for the Amish lifestyle just yet.



So anyway, we took the tour. And David spent most of it trying to scare my son straight out of deciding to become Amish. So that part was fun.

Oh! And then also, there was this other fun part.

At one point in the tour, David maneuvered us down this winding dirt road. And he led us up to this white wooden horse stable.




Not the actual stable, but it looked something like this



He stopped us right in front of the stable.

And I remember thinking... why are we stopped here? He had clearly stopped us here for a reason.

And then, of course, we quickly figured it out.

David had led us here as a setup.




Because out popped these cute little Amish girls, selling cookies



Apparently part of the Amish Farm Tour is that you are supposed to buy homemade cookies from these three little girls. That's just part of the tour.

Which, okay, was fine. I mean, we all like cookies. We all had a couple of cookies.

But come on, David.

You know it and I know it.

That was a little bit sneaky.




Dude Pearl Harbored us



And nowwwwww we come to the final part of the story. Which will always be my favorite. And is so adorable that I know you're going to love it, too

Because now comes the part where we finally get to learn a little about David.




Who, I should remind you, is never seen once in this whole writeup



Even though you never actually SEE David in this story, you should be aware that he was, is, and I'm guessing always will be a traditional old Amish guy. Like, imagine a stereotypical Amish guy in your head.  Who pretty much only does Amish things in his lifetime. Do THAT, and you'll have a pretty good picture of our new friend David. He looked exactly like you think he does.

Here, again, I'll use the following picture as an example.

David looked something like this.




"You know, my homies agree, I always look good in black."




"Fool."



So imagine my surprise when I started talking to David about midway through our trip... and I found out he he had actually been outside of Lancaster County before.

David, it turned out, was actually something of a world traveler.


Note: This really surprised me when he first told me. Because I didn't think old Amish guys traipsed all over the world. But apparently this David guy had. He and his wife had gone on vacations all over the place.


So anyway, here comes the story that the four of us still quote to this day. It's so adorable.




Like the Amish cookie industry, I'm about to ambush you with cuteness



So I'm sitting there talking to David from the back of the buggy, and he tells me that he and his wife like to go on vacation. And that they've been all over the world.

And I'm, like, shocked by this statement.

"Really?" I ask. "Where? Where have the two of you gone?"

"Exotic places," he points out. "Much different than here."

And then he points out the most amazing place he's been in his life.

It turns that, about thirty years ago, David and his wife went to Mexico.




They went to Tijuana




Which, from everything I know about Tijuana, seems... not Amish



The minute I hear that David and his wife have been to Tijuana, I HAVE to probe into this. I HAVE to know more about this. Because now I'm just dying with questions. Like... HOW did they get there? Did they go on a plane? And more importantly, WHY did they go there?

What circumstances allowed for this guy driving a buggy in Ronks to be in a border town notorious for its red light district?

Now I'm just DYING for info.

Can the Amish take planes? I didn't know that the Amish could take planes.




Well apparently, they can. Thanks Google.



Although this answer does, obviously, come with some pretty big asterisks.







To answer your question, David confirmed that yes, they did fly to Tijuana. He said it was one of the only times he has ever been on a plane.

Which leads to the next, much more interesting, follow-up question. That I'm absolutely KICKING myself that I forgot to ask that day:


"If you've only been on a plane a couple of times, how have you been all over the world??"





"Well you know, we don't fly, we beam."




"It's like Star Trek."



Anyway, we never got to the bottom of that question.

Because right after that, we quickly got to the BEST part of the story. Which is the part I've always loved the most.

I asked David what he and his wife did in Tijuana. Like, what did they actually DO there? Did they do anything interesting? Did they go to the beach and go parasailing? Did they go to a donkey show?

And this is where the conversation turned to one of my all-time favorite subjects: food.




Trust me, ask anyone who knows me. This guy likes to eat.



"Well, we had the most amazing food in Tijuana," David recalled. "In fact, one day, I had the most delicious thing I've ever eaten. I can still remember it."

This piqued my curiosity, of course.

Because what kind of food would blow the mind of an old Amish guy?

"Do you remember what it was?" I asked.

"Nah," he shook his head. "I don't remember the name. Remember, this was thirty years ago. Plus, it was a Mexican name. I couldn't pronounce it."

Hmmm.

"Can you describe it?" I asked, hopefully.

"Well, it was meat. And it had all these strange spices in it. It was spicy. It's hard to describe."




Well okay, that's all Mexican food. Maybe we can narrow it down from there.



"Was it in a liquid of some sort?"

Me thinking he's talking about a mole or something. Or a birria. I don't know. Thinking it's something fairly exotic.


(Note: Remember, I live in Southern California. I'm pretty good with my Mexican foods.)


"Nah," said David, "No liquid. But it was inside of something."

Ah. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.

"Was it wrapped in a pepper and fried?"

Chile Relleno. That's what he had to be talking about. Chile Relleno. Namely because that was the food my mom always raved about.

My mom always loved her some chile relleno.




Bless her heart, but my mom only knew like two Mexican foods



But guess what?

David was even less exotic with his Mexican food knowledge than my mom was.

"No," he said, "It was in this corn thing that was fried. It was quite good."

And this is where I hear Diana giggling next to me. Because she knows INSTANTLY where this story is going now. And she's already laughing about it.

"What?" I whispered over to her.

And this is where Diana gets to the punchline right before I do.

"A taco," she whispers back to me. "He had his first taco."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she confirms. "He's describing a taco."

No way. There's no way this mind-blowing thing he had thirty years ago was a taco.

There's no. Way.




Yes way



"Was it a taco?" I turn back and ask David, curiously.

"YES!" David practically shouts. "YES! THAT WAS IT! IT WAS A TACO!"

Only he doesn't pronounce it right. He says "tay-ko." As in "Leggo my tayko."

"That was the best thing I've ever had in my life," he confirms to me. "That tayko. I still think about it."

Then he just sort of sits there for a moment, and he thinks about it. Reminiscing about it. Thinking back to the one and only time in his life he's ever had Mexican food. Practically drooling over the whole thing.

And I, of course, now have to sit there, and I have to try to hype up a taco.

"Yeah they're AMAZING," I confirm. "I can't believe you got to try one. They're so GOOD!"

"Aren't they?"

"They are!" I confirm. "And you should visit Southern California one day, because they're very popular out there. You can get them all over the place."

"Oh, man." He's practically fantasizing about this.

And I don't have the heart to tell him... like... dude... you can take this buggy ten miles down the road, and I'm sure there's a Taco Bell. You can probably get another tayko any time you want, they're not hard to find.




Alternately, I could just mail you one of these. You can relive the dream.



And anyway, that's my infamous tayko story. When Diana, my kids, and I learned that tacos are apparently WORLD-CHANGINGLY EXOTIC when you grow up in Amish Country.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that, ten years later, the three of us still reference this conversation all the time. To this day. Because of how adorable it was when David's eyes got all wide, and this old somber Amish man practically shouted "YES! TAYKO! THAT WAS IT! IT WAS A TAYKO!!" And then he practically pumped his fist over how excited he was to remember that. And it was now the highlight of his day.

Anyway, I just thought that was cute.

Hopefully you will now, too.











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