#25. Gamera vs Guiron

25. Gamera vs Guiron (1969) - Season 3, episode 312

"Let's watch the kids go to their fate
They'll disappear into the woods
It will be days before they're found
Cornjob will be blamed."

Plot:  Two boys are kidnapped by a spaceship and taken to the planet Terra. Only the flying turtle Gamera can save them.
Famous for:  Being the one and only really good Gamera episode. Oh and also... the famous Gamera song.

"Gamera is really neat!"

"Gamera is filled with meat!"

"We've been eating Gam-e-ra!"

My favorite riff:  There aren't a ton of standout riffs in this episode, but there are two running gags that I have always loved.

The first one is the fact that the alien women in the movie are played by Japanese actresses, but because this is the American version they have been overdubbed by someone who had a very strong midwest American accent. So you have these two Japanese women screaming threats all movie long, yet, in the words of Crow T. Robot, "They sound like they're from Indiana!"

Joel and the Bots imitate their accent all movie long, and it just absolutely kills me.

Hi, I'm Kimiko. I'm from Fort Wayne.

The other running gag I love in this movie is the famous "Hello! Thank you!" exchange between the two moms.  

It all starts about midway through the movie. One of the moms opens a scene with "Hello!", and then the other one replies with "Thank you!" And then Joel and the Bots just repeat this exchange endlessly, all throughout the rest of the movie. It sounds dumb, but you have to be impressed how many times they manage to shoehorn it into the dialogue of some other unrelated scene.  

When I first started watching Mystery Science Theater (in season four) back when I was in college, this was my absolute favorite MST3k running gag. It's so simple, but they have so much fun with it.

"Hello!" "Thank you!" "Hello!"

Comments:  Mystery Science Theater riffed a bunch of Japanese monster movies over the years, but in my opinion most of them wound up being pretty lousy episodes. Even the famed Godzilla vs Megalon (which has always been a big fan favorite) only has one or two really funny scenes. And that's why I'm happy to report that there is ONE flying monster episode out there that actually lives up to the hype.

Yes, I can only be talking about this one. Gamera vs Guiron. Where a flying turtle fights a giant walking knife.

It's the one and only Gamera/Godzilla episode I would ever recommend to anyone.

"I know, I know. Don't laugh. They made me in a hurry."

"Hey, you kids! You'll take the edge off that blade!"

Let's get one thing straight here, right at the start. Gamera vs Guiron isn't one of the absolute greatest MST3k episodes. For starters, I don't think the riffing is really all that amazing. Like a lot of the earlier MST3k episodes, they're so fixated on throwing out obscure pop culture references that there are stretches of the movie where the riffing just absolutely drags.  

But on the flip side... then there are scenes where the movie becomes SO goofy, and the storyline gets SO ridiculous, that even the subpar riffing can't get in its way.

When this episode gets going, it is REALLY funny. And that's just the movie on its own. Once Gamera and Guiron start fighting, and Gamera starts doing sexy little gymnastics moves like he's a fucking pole dancer... I mean, at that point, the riffs sort of aren't even necessary.

"You know, guys, it just dawned on me how weird this film is. You know? It's kind of goofy."

Take a movie that's really bizarre and weird and funny just on its own, throw in a character named "Cornjob" who is legitimately funny comic relief, and... just for good measure... add a little girl who's five years old, but she could pass for my grandma...

"My god! That kid looks like she's fifty!"

... and this is one of my absolute favorite movies that they ever watched on MST3k.

I guarantee that if they had watched this movie and riffed it in season nine or ten, it would have been one of their all-time funniest episodes.  

Cornjob: You know, when I'm happy, my glasses, they always come down.
Tom Servo:  So do my pants!

"Ahhhh!  The turtle's playing chicken!"

Other personal favorite things about this episode:  Well, for starters, there's THIS dark little riff. Which is one of my favorite lines from the first three seasons.

It comes right after a reporter doubts the little girl's story that she saw a flying saucer.

"When the whip comes down you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit."

And I've always had a soft spot for this one too. When a random Japanese scientist answers a phone towards the end of the movie.  

We have NEVER seen this character at any point prior to this scene... and of course Crow jumps all over it.

"Yes, I know. I haven't been in this film. Yes, I know. I've been busy."

And hell, let's throw in a third one, just for good measure.

This is a fun episode.

Akio: Let's go back to the Earth together.
Joel: We'll have the hottest prom dates of all!

Trivia: I used to watch this episode SO often back when I was in college. It used to be on my TV so often, in fact, that my girlfriend, friends, and roommate would often refuse to come in the room whenever I was watching it.


Well because as my girlfriend (later wife) would later explain, "Because I don't want that dumb Cornjob song stuck in my head. Once it gets stuck in your head, it never goes away."

Cornjob, once again, will be blaaaaaaamed

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