#19. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
19. Merlin's Shop of
Mystical Wonders (1995) - Season 10, episode 1003
"Remember that kitten, Billy? That was nothing compared to this. At
least the kitten went quick, Billy."
Plot: A grandpa tells a trio of horrible stories about death to his grandson, pretty much scarring the kid for life. The end.
Famous for:
Rock 'n Roll Martian (aka Fuckin' Old Martian).
[expletive deleted]
My favorite riff:
Pretty much any joke about Grandpa Borgnine's story
and Billy's horrified reaction to it. Because... oh my god.
It's a shame this was the
last episode MST3k ever aired because, honestly, that might have been their all
time best running gag. They may have actually peaked right at the end.
Mike (as Grandpa): Then the devil cat grabbed his throat, and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh.Tom Servo (crying, as Billy): Grandpa Borgnine!
Crow (as Grandpa): Then the cat's flesh was roasted.Mike (crying, as Billy): Grandpa, no!Crow (as Grandpa): Sit down, you're gonna listen. His flesh melted, in this horrible scream. Heh heh.Mike (crying, as Billy): No!
Tom Servo (as Billy): No, Grandpa Borgnine! Leave light and hope for me, please!!Crow (as grandpa): Get out from behind that cushion, Billy, it gets worse.
Comments:
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders isn't actually a standalone
movie, it's mostly just clips from an old 1984 horror
film called The Devil's Gift.
For some reason the producers
of this movie took The Devil's Gift
(which is about a toy monkey that
kills people), they paired it with a NEW story about a guy who
accidentally turns into a devil, and then they gave it a wraparound
story involving Merlin the Wizard selling magic items out of a
warehouse. Oh, and then just to be fun, they gave it yet ANOTHER
wraparound story, this one
about Ernest Borgnine telling all this as a scary bedtime story to
his grandson.
And if that sounds like an episode where the riffing would be especially fun... well, you'd be right.
"The kid's figuring out all the plot holes."
The
reason the riffing in Merlin is especially fun is because, in this one,
the source material isn't just coming from one place, it's actually
coming from FOUR different places. Which means that, if you know your
SNL, that officially makes Merlin the Taco Town
of MST3k episodes. It's the MST3k episode that starts as a taco,
then gets dipped in guacamolito sauce, then gets wrapped in a
pizza, and then finally gets served in a tote bag (along with
vegetarian chili.)
In other words, this movie is all over the place.
"Tonight on 'Old Lady Gets Killed.'"
Crow: Borgnine's grandson is really bored by now.Mike (as Grandpa, telling the story): He puttered around the kitchen for a while. And got himself a cold drink.
Merlin
is, without question, one of the funniest episodes of Mystery Science
Theater that they ever made.
In fact, my friend Matt, who I just
introduced to the show a couple of years ago, says this is his all-time
favorite episode. Forget all the rest, he says he thinks Merlin is
the funniest. And he makes a pretty good argument. There are few
riffs in MST3k history that make me laugh harder than Borgnine repeatedly terrorizing
his own grandkid, and all of the riffs about it.
I mean, if you like
dark humor, this is your episode. I don't think the
show ever got any darker than this. And yes, that's including
the two Joe Don Baker films.
Tom Servo (as Billy): So evil wins, Grandpa Borgnine?Mike (as Grandpa): That's right. Even your tiny soul is doomed, Billy.
"My point is, Billy,
that a man dies with a whimper, looking into the face of ultimate
darkness."
So I guess this then begs
the question.
If I think that Grandpa's wraparound nightmare
story is so funny, then why don't I rank this as my #1 episode?
I mean, is there another episode actually funnier than this?
Crow (as Billy): Grandpa Borgnine! The tree feel right on him!Mike (as Grandpa): I know! But I wrote myself into a corner.
Well,
the reason I don't put this at #1 is because I don't think the rest of
the episode is as amazing as Grandpa's wraparound story. I mean,
yeah it's funny, but the plot about Merlin can get kind of
tedious at times. And a lot of the jokes during the monkey part
of the movie aren't actually anything special.
"That bastard! He turned me into Benjamin Franklin!"
I
still love this movie. And it's still one of my favorite MST3k
episodes. But from start to finish I don't think it's as
consistent as some of the other ones I still have yet to come up.
But god
damn those Grandpa Borgnine riffs are incredible.
"So, Billy, the little boy who looks like you went through terrible, irredeemable grief."
"Does he have a sea turtle under his sweater vest?"
[the power goes out]Grandpa: Uh oh.Crow (as Grandpa): We better eat all the ice cream.
Other personal favorite things
about this episode: There's one scene in the middle of the movie where the main
character meets a psychic on a bench in the park. And the actress
who plays the psychic is SO over the top (and just incredibly angry at the main character,
for no reason), that it makes Mike break character and start laughing.
If you liked the time he broke character because of the angry
grocer in The Brute Man, well, here's a little more of the same.
It's really funny.
The over-the-top angry psychic
Trivia:
Like I said earlier, this was the last episode of Mystery Science
Theater to ever air on TV.
And what an episode to go out on.
"And now, time to die."
Bonus Trivia: Have I got some bonus fun reading for you. Here's an AMA
that the kid who played Borgnine's grandson did over on Reddit a
couple of years ago.
Some really funny trivia here about how Borgnine didn't like him,
and how Borgnine read all his lines off cue cards. Sadly,
nothing about "fuckin' old Martian", though.
