The last batch of some of my personal favorites.
These are some of the most Norm MacDonald jokes of them all.
America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.
9/30/95 - S21E1
It is now believed that in the months before the Oklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may have sold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now, huh?
5/13/95 - S20E20
A berry found only in the Amazon rainforest, and commonly used as an aphrodisiac, is the base ingredient for Josta, the new soft drink Pepsi is marketing to teenagers. According to a Pepsi spokesman, the new drink will solve a problem that has long baffled researchers: How to make teenagers more horny.
5/11/96 - S21E19
Angry over the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians' use of caricatures as logos, Native Americans showed up at the World Series tonight. They chanted for hours to protest Indian stereotypes. Though it didn't help their cause any when it... uh... started to rain.
10/21/95 - S21E3
Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bags of cocaine in the backpack of a second grader yesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious when the boy began showing up to school in a stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers.
12/17/94 - S20E9
In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the twenty-six mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face... [makes cringing face] ...at a Boston Marathon.
4/20/96 - S21E18
Pop singer Madonna was outraged this week when a tabloid photographer snapped her picture while she was breastfeeding her new baby. Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple.
10/26/96 - S22E4
In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing a story on violence at a local high school, when he was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students. The assailants say they have nothing against the reporter, they just love irony.
11/16/96 - S22E6
As of next week, Valujet Airlines says it will discontinue service to Mobile, Alabama. According to airline executives, this cost-cutting measure is expected to save the company over two hundred dollars.
1/11/97 - S22E10
In other news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman whose body was found in the back of his suicide van. You know... I'm no expert in police work... but, uh, YES!
2/8/97 - S22E12
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three-and-a-half years of marriage, he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn thirty.
5/10/97 - S22E19
Our top story tonight... late yesterday, the House Subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report, recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand, and a three hundred thousand dollar fine, for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly... although he admits, it is going to involve GIANT ethical violations.
1/18/97 - S22E11
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffers from emphysema, blew up his home trying to smoke a cigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. In response, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented him with its "Lifetime Achievement Award."
11/15/97 - S23E6
And in London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head. A breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplant. As well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life.
10/25/97 - S23E4
A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation's airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem, apparently? Watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack.
12/14/96 - S22E9
In California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner, said to be scrotum-licking good.
9/30/95 - S21E1
Yesterday, on "Rivera Live", Kato Kaelin made the startling admission that he now thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. Although authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Kato to crash at Fred Goldman's place for a while.
3/23/96 - S21E16
And finally... in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Letourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth-grade student, whose child she bore in May. Miss Letourneau has been branded as a sex offender. Or, as the kids refer to her, "the greatest teacher ever."
11/15/97 - S23E6
And finally, the number-one selling doll this Christmas is "Tickle Me Elmo." And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.
12/14/96 - S22E9
Okay, and here's a payoff for you right at the end.
My single favorite Norm joke of all time:
And finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday.
You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game
with Saint Peter. Or, maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh,
and the agonies of the damned never cease. Either way, he'll be missed!
1/20/96 - S21E11
1/20/96 - S21E11
Oh and... just for you... because I love you, here is one last bonus page: The Time When Norm Ate Fake Vomit.