The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#16. Survivor's Most Perfect Confessional
South Pacific - Finale
It's the season finale of Survivor: South Pacific.
And Survivor legend Ozzy Lusth is about to pull off one of the single
greatest wins of all time.
After being embraced as the heart of the Savaiis
And after leading his alliance into power all season
Fuck yeah!
He then does the unthinkable in episode seven.
He volunteers to be voted out
In an unprecedented move in Survivor history, Ozzy asks his alliance to
vote him out of the game.
Just so he can go to Redemption Island, and he can remove the challenge
beast Christine from out of the equation.
Just so, as the leader of Savaii, he can take out one final
Upolu.
"I need to be the one who takes Christine out of the game."
"This is going to be my own personal redemption."
So that's exactly what happens. The Savaiis vote out the heart of their
tribe.
*smuff*
And he goes to Redemption Island.
And he kicks Christine's ass
YES!
Thanks, Ozzy
And just like that, he earns the right to come back in the game.
While, simultaneously, taking away Upolu's numerical advantage.
It was a pretty great move
So anyway, at this point, things are looking pretty good for the newest
Dragonslayerslayer.
Ozzy just pulled off a killer new move.
He single-handedly pulled his tribe back into a tie.
He's almost unbeatable if there's an individual immunity challenge.
All things considered, he has a really good chance at probably winning
this game.
He even wins the first immunity after the merge
Things are going SO well for Ozzy, in fact, that it's almost
unthinkable the moment that tragedy hits.
And Cochran turns on the Savaiis
Ha ha!
Just like that, in one sweater-vest-wearing swoop, it's all gone.
Hey Cochran, eat shit
The Savaiis are devastated.
I can't believe Obama just took 20% of us
Don't correct me, thinks Ozzy. I never considered Cochran a
Savaii so the math all checks out.
And from here on out, it's just a quick, painful slide of death for the
leader of the Savaiis.
I'm going to fight until they take me away. I have to.
Also, hey kids, learn to skateboard
Ozzy's fight doesn't last very long, of course.
He's voted out in the very next episode
*re-smuff*
And with that, he has been voted out of the game for the
second time.
Joining such luminaries as Matt Elrod and Burton.
Burton?
BURTON!
By any rational estimation, at this point, you'd think that Ozzy Lusth,
the Cochranslayer, is now doomed.
I mean, it's not like he's going to win five duels in a row,
and get back into the game again. Right?
But despite all odds against him, that's EXACTLY what he does.
He wins duel
After duel
After duel
After duel
After duel
After his SIXTH consecutive win in the duels, Ozzy has earned the right
to come back into the game.
Again.
Just like before.
You can't stop the boogeyman
Naturally, the Upolus are a little less than thrilled that he's going
to be back.
He's about to open a big old can of whoop ass on us, isn't he?
This sucks
Ozzy even describes to us, in porn terms, how he's so
much more powerful than before now.
"I'll come harder than I've ever been able to."
And so here we go. As we set up my personal favorite confessional on
the Funny 115.
Benjamin Coach is so scared of Ozzy
winning immunities the rest of the way, he
gets on his knees and he immediately prays to God about it.
And God tells him to make Ozzy a
final three
deal
So that's exactly what he does.
"If I ever think you're in jeopardy, I'll save you."
"None of this Upolu vs Savaii crap, I want it to be the two
best
warriors at the end."
Also, back on day seven, did you hear me say Dragonslayer?
And Coach's instincts to make nice with Ozzy are correct.
Because Ozzy immediately wins the next immunity challenge.
Ozzy's going to make bitches of all of you, I hope you all
know that
Damn you, Survivor gods
At this point, there is just ONE immunity challenge left in the game.
Just ONE last thing standing between Ozzy, and one of the greatest
Survivor wins of all time.
And because he's the greatest challenge beast in Survivor history,
he's feeling especially confident about this.
Hey John Carroll, if you ever go to Vegas, bet on black Ozzy
It's so probable that Ozzy's going to win that final
immunity, that Coach immediately runs right back to him, and affirms
they will be taking each other to the end. No ifs, ands, or buts.
"Your experience out here has been so traumatic, I just feel for you. I want to help you."
"My heart breaks for you, Ozzy. I want to take you to the end."
In fact, let's make Albert and Sophie make a fire. Let's make them decide who goes to the end with us.
The two men of honor hug that shit out
And so here we are. FINAL immunity challenge.
Ozzy just has to win ONE more immunity to win this game.
Which shouldn't be that hard to do, because he has basically won the last seven challenges in a row.
Although guess what happens in this last one?
He loses
Ты лучше поверь в это, детка. Убийца Драконов!
FUCK!!!!!!!
With Sophie's win, the Upolus all dance around and put on a big over the top show.
Because they know they have just stopped Ozzy from winning this game.
THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN WATCHING JACK AND JILL!
And now we set up my favorite confessional on the Funny 115.
In
fact, I'll go on record and say it is probably Survivor's perfect
confessional. Between a combination of hubris, storyline, comic timing,
and random off-camera wackiness, it's probably the funniest
confessional the show is ever going to produce.
Oh yeah, and it also features Ozzy doing an awesome double take to the camera.
This
is one of those fun little "hidden gem" moments I talked about way
back on version 1 of the Funny 115. Almost nobody remembers this scene.
It's Ozzy's hilarious defeat speech.
So we get back to camp after Ozzy just biffed the final immunity challenge
He's crestfallen
After
all the things that he's done in this game. After all the pain. After
all the suffering. After all the comebacks. After two weeks
of cutting the crust off of all of Cochran's sandwiches for him.
He's going to lose now. He can't believe it.
This blows
First off, he has to stand there, and he has to listen to Sophie tell him how easy that puzzle was.
"The only thing that was hard was the first piece."
Did you not see the pattern like I did?
No, I guess I didn't
And
then we sit down for his goodbye confessional. And again, I can't
reiterate how awesome this one is. It makes me laugh every single time
I rewatch it.
The line between "comedy" and "tragedy" is just so amazingly thin sometimes.
"We just got back from the final challenge, and I
lost."
*sad laugh* "Heh heh."
"Of course, stupid puzzle."
"My mind turned inside out, and I couldn't do it."
"Everything that I've done, and I've put into this game, just came crashing down."
*sigh*
"But I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna try something."
"You know, Coach told me he wanted to take me to the end."
"But..."
"Something tells me he's gonna change his mind."
"I don't know... but..."
And here you go. Here's why I say this is Survivor's perfect confessional.
Because the minute Ozzy mentions that Coach might be changing his mind...
He hears a commotion going on over to his left, off camera
And, distracted, he turns his head to watch
And what does Ozzy see going on?
He sees Coach literally changing his mind
And
there's only one thing you can do when you literally see your game
ending right before your eyes in the middle of your confessional.
"YES! YES! YES!"
You turn back to the camera.
And you give a little sad face.
Yeah, I think I'm fucked
P.S. And hey, guess who becomes the first player in Survivor history to be voted out THREE times in a single game?
Yes! I made history!
*smuffleupagus*
Three times, baby!
A record that would stand for a long time.
Until, of course, it was broken several years later.
When Boston Rob was voted out nineteen different times during Winners at War
