The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#29. The Chris Daugherty confessional
Vanuatu - Multiple Episodes
I know a lot of people are tired of seeing Chris on the Funny 115 so
often. But how can I resist? The
guy gave us so many unintentional moments of comedy during Vanuatu that
I don't understand how people can't be
somewhat amused by the guy. I mean, think about it. Chris is the only
guy ever to win Survivor while wearing a
red wife-beater. HE WORE A FREAKING RED WIFE-BEATER EVERY
SINGLE MINUTE OF THE SEASON! The guy wearing a wife-beater
outwitted everyone! How can that not enthrall you?
Oh and plus he had a ponytail all the way down to his
butt. I mean, seriously, even if Chris had been the first person voted
out of Vanuatu, he would have still been
one of my very favorite players of all time. The fact that he
actually won the game was just a bonus.
(Note: In the past, a few people have accused me of
stacking the Funny 115 with Chris moments simply because
he is my favorite player. But that accusation actually gets the logic
backwards. Chris isn't on the list
because he's my favorite player. No, Chris is my favorite player
because I consider him to be one of the
funniest. And that's why he shows up so often on the countdown.)
So anyway, this is the top Chris moment on the Funny 115. This is the
last time we will be seeing the "Winner
in the Wife-Beater", and frankly, I will be sad to see him go. I had
hoped that my favorite Survivor player
of all time could have cracked the top 20, but... unfortunately... #29
is the highest he will go. Oh well.
Now I just have to make sure he goes out with a bang.
My #1 favorite character quirk about Chris Daugherty, and the thing
that I
loved about him more than anything
else, was the fact that he was so damn dramatic when he talked. I know
I touched on this before in one of the earlier
moments on the list, but Chris's verbal trademark throughout Vanuatu
was that he would add EMPHASIS on WORDS
for no apparent REASON. He could be talking about
the most mundane THING in the world, like SAND...
but through a few careful PAUSES... and lots and
lots of dramatic EMphaSIS... he would
make SAND
seem like the most fascinating thing in the WORLD.
And I have to say it never failed to crack me up when he did this.
Chris looking especially dramatic. Nice shirt.
Chris's confessional and speaking style was so unique during Vanuatu
that it was almost like listening to Christopher
Walken.
If you don't know who that is, Christopher Walken (an actor,
and a frequent host on SNL) is notorious for
just adding punctuation and emphasis at random points throughout a
sentence, as if he has no idea where it is supposed
to go. Walken has been doing this weird verbal speech pattern for
years, and it's so quirky and so well known by now
that just about every stand up comedian in the world can do some
variation of a Walken impression. IMO Jay Mohr from
Saturday Night Live has always done the best.
Christopher Walken, Chris's evil
doppelganger. Walken loves Skittles.
Now, Chris Daugherty's speech patterns aren't quite as distinct as
Christopher Walken's, but they are awfully close.
And I have to say I think they are just as funny. Because I have never
heard a person speak as dramatically as Chris
when there is no real reason to do so. It's like he randomly invents
drama in his sentences (just like Walken randomly
invents punctuation), and he throws it in just to give his sentences a
little extra flair. Because when Chris is
speaking, he isn't just speaking. No, when Chris is
speaking, he loves to point. He loves to shrug.
He loves to emote. And best of all, he loves to
speak with his hands. Every time Chris Daugherty gives a
confessional, it's like listening to William Shatner try to do
Shakespeare. And there's no apparent reason why
he should be doing any of this.
So Chris Daugherty's extra (and completely unnecessary) dramatic flair
during confessionals is the #29 moment on
the Funny 115.
Below is the most famous Chris Daugherty confessional. I'm sure you all
remember this one. It is from episode ten
of Survivor: Vanuatu, and it's when Chris is
explaining how he's going to outsmart and outwit the women
and make it to the end of the game.
As always, this confessional is
extra-dramatic, it is extra-verbose, and it is extra emotional.
And there's no apparent reason why it really needs to be any of these.
Oh yes, and of course Chris is sporting
his famous red wife-beater throughout. Enjoy.
"You QUESTION a woman's character... you QUESTION
a woman's ability, she'll SNAP your
NECK!"
"... you open your HEART, show a woman you're VULnerable,
then they start THINKIN' with
their heart.. That's when they OPEN up that back DOOR."
(Note: Here's a great quote from one of my readers
the first time he read this entry. "Did Chris just
tell me how he was going to win Survivor? Or did he just tell me how to
convince a girl to have anal sex?")
Loves the back door
When sitting down for an interview with the producers, every other
Survivor player in history would just sit there
and answer the questions as they were asked. They would just sit there
and
reel off rote-memorized answers one by
one.
But not Chris.
No, Chris came out for his confessionals dressed in a cape. He had a
sword in one hand, and a skull in the other.
And he sat down and did his best impression of a guy doing Shakespeare.
Chris emoted. He pointed. He shrugged.
And he ACTED (just like William Shatner.) And it
was one of the most beautiful comedic things I have ever
seen in my life.
So here's to Chris "Drama" Daugherty, the pride of Ohio roadside
construction, and my very favorite player
of all time. And why is he my all-time favorite? Simple. It's because
he is the only Survivor player in history
who thought he was up on stage playing Hamlet.
*** SPECIAL BONUS SECTION ***
In honor of Chris's Shakespearean ways, I decided to take eleven of his
most dramatic Survivor confessionals, and
superimpose them over actual Shakespearean quotes. And you can just
tell me for yourself if it doesn't look like
he's actually saying these words up on a stage. This is something I
have
been waiting to do for months, because
I expect it will be one of the highlights of the Funny 115.
And away we go...
"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east. And Juliet is the sun."
(ROMEO AND JULIET)
"Give me that man that is not passion's slave, and
I will wear him in my heart's core!"
(HAMLET)
"I know not how to tell thee who I am! My name,
dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an
enemy to thee." (ROMEO AND JULIET)
"Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come, let
me clutch thee." (MACBETH)
"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."
(KING
HENRY IV)
"I will do such things. What they are, yet I know not.
But they shall be the terrors of the
earth!" (KING LEAR)
"To be. Or not to be. That is
the question". (HAMLET)
"These words... are razors to my wounded heart." (TITUS ANDRONICUS)
"Cry 'Havoc'! And let slip the dogs of war!"
(JULIUS CAESAR)
"Unhand me, gentlemen. By heaven, I'll make a ghost
of him that lets me!" (HAMLET)
"Doubt thou the stars are fire. Doubt
that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar.
But never doubt I love." (HAMLET)
So that's it. The last Chris moment on the Funny 115. And I hope you
now appreciate Chris Daugherty as much as
I do.
Pretty please?
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