The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#31. I need somebody to pee on me!
Marquesas - Episode 3
This is one of the most memorable moments in Survivor history and I'm extraordinarily proud to be able to include it on the Funny 115. Because as I have always said, any scene involving a Golden Shower on TV is okay by me.
This scene was banned in twelve countries
The beauty of this entry is that I don't even need to do a complete writeup. You can enjoy it without any backstory whatsoever. You don't need the slightest bit of insightful commentary. All you have to do for this one is just sit back, relax, and enjoy. And grab a drink.
It hurts! And my abs don't look incredible anymore!
It is the third episode of Survivor: Marquesas and the Rotus are in full-on outdoor living mode. They work from dawn to dusk. They scour every available location for food sources. and for the most part they have been successful in nearly everything they do. Despite the fact that Marquesas is a brutal and unpleasant island setting, the Rotus really haven't hit a speed bump yet in this game. Everything is coming very very easily to the eight of them so far.
Well... at least... up until now.
On day eight, John Carroll is spear-fishing in the shallow water off Rotu beach, looking for fish and/or shells. He's moving along the shallow waters, he's digging around through the sea life below, and that's when he accidentally puts his hand right down onto the spines of a sea urchin.
"OUCH!" (f-bomb deleted)
Suddenly John has a nasty little gash on his hand. And it's bleeding. And it really really hurts.
Luckily, John is a registered nurse in real life. He knows the human body. And he knows that there is one tried-and-true way to negate the effects of sea urchin venom.
And what is this magical elixir that he so desperately needs right about now?
Why it's good old-fashioned human urine.
John can't very well pee on his own hand, so he has to swim back to the beach and get a little help. And that's what he does. He swims back to Rotu. He stumbles his way out of the water. And he loudly announces to the rest of the tribe that he needs one of them to come out and help.
"I need somebody to pee on me! Does anybody have to pee? Please?"
(Note: The way that John phrases this line always makes me laugh. I love that he leads in with "I need somebody to pee on me," without the slightest explanation why or the slightest backstory behind his request. John just jumps right in with "Somebody come out here and take a leak on me!" I don't know why but that has always killed me. What do you think his tribesmates were thinking when they first heard this? Were they able to put two and two together and realize he had run into a sea urchin? John didn't actually tell them that part of the story, so do you think they were able to deduce it on their own? I can just imagine someone like Neleh sitting there, doing embroidery on the beach, when she suddenly hears the gay nurse screaming for somebody to come out and take a piss on him. Um... what? No thanks. I think I'll pass, John. Thanks anyway.)
(Second Note: Although come to think of it, Neleh's urine might have actually been extra powerful since she is so religious and pure. That stuff might have worked like holy water. It might have actually cleansed John of his sins at the same time it cleansed his wounds. I'm just sayin'.)
Paschal reacts to John's request
So John calls out that he needs a Golden Shower, and the rest of the tribe looks up from their tasks, confused. No one moves. I think they're a little frightened. So John repeats his request, this time a little louder, and a little more insistent in its urgency.
"I need somebody to pee on me! PLEEEEEEASE!"
Well this finally snaps the tribe into action. Because any time you get a second request to actually pee on a guy, you don't pass that shit up. No, you run over there and you whip it out just like he wants. No questions asked. You just f'ing do it.
So here comes Paschal, the conservative older judge from Georgia. I have no idea how he was the first one to get there, but that's what happens. The old guy gets there first. He puts John's hand down between his legs, he whips out his "little arbitrator", and... well... nothing comes out. Paschal seems to have a bit of stage fright. He doesn't seem to be able to pee on command.
(NOTE: Out of respect for the Honorable Judge Paschal English, we don't actually see this on TV. Kathy just describes it to us later. Apparently even Mark Burnett has scruples, because if there are three things he won't show on TV, they are... A) Mike Skupin falling in a fire... B) An old judge peeing on a guy... and C) Christy Smith accidentally voting for the wrong winner).
Paschal shrivels up and he is unable to fulfill his urinary duty. And that means the stage is set for Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien to swoop in and save the day. And here she comes. Here comes the Kat Monster, and she's chock full of medicinal wee-wee! Her Vermont bladder is going to save the day!
John is still wincing in pain...
... but here comes Kathy!
Kathy comes over and she undoes her pants. She squats down. She thrusts John's wounded hand under her hoo-hah.
And she starts peeing.
Golden showers bring May flowers
The relief on John's face is almost instantaneous. Kathy's pee kills the urchin venom, and she's now the official hero for the day. But guess what? She's not done peeing. Kathy apparently drank a lot of water today, because she keeps going...
Kathy pees about four times as long as she really needs to. But John really isn't in the position to complain. I mean, beggars and people who ask people to pee on them can't be choosers. So John waits until Kathy is done and then he thanks her. And then he goes off to boil his hand in a pot of water.
Wait, did that crazy lady just piss on me?
So that's it. Kathy saves the day. John is able to go out and catch more fish. And Neleh's innocent little Mormon eyes just saw the equivalent of a $9.99 German internet porn video. She immediately goes off to wash her eyes out with soap and ask for forgiveness.
Kathy also takes a moment to explain to us what she just did (and how she only now realizes it was a bit embarrassing.)
"Finally when I think I was pulling up my pants, I suddenly got very embarrassed. But it made him feel good. At least I was able to perform in the call of duty."
It's the infamous peeing scene in Marquesas. And (as you can tell) it happens to be one of my all-time favorite Survivor scenes. Hope you enjoyed it.
P.S. Apparently Burton liked this scene too.
P.P.S. You can watch the famous peeing scene for yourself over at Youtube.
Back to The Funny 115