The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#37. Scumbags
Guatemala - Episode 12

Quiet please. I'd like to request we all give a moment of silence.

*bows head in hushed reverence*

We are now up to #37 on the countdown, and this marks the first official entry for Guatemala's Judd Sergeant. And if that doesn't warrant a moment of awed respect, I don't know what does. Because, you see, Judd is going to wind up being one the most-represented players on the Funny 115. I believe he makes the list seven times overall. And considering we only start seeing him at #37 you can probably imagine how highly I think of the guy. In fact it's possible that there has never been a more (unintentionally) entertaining player in the history of Survivor.


What was the key to Judd's entertainment value, anyway? Was it his big blustery voice? Was it his unique way of speaking dialogue (and using the word "man")? Was it his angry temper that went from 0 to 60 at the drop of a hat? Or perhaps it was the way he always managed to contradict himself in the middle of making an argument?

Personally, I believe it was all these things and more. Because no matter what he did, Judd was entertaining every single time he opened his mouth.

The reason Judd was so funny (here is something he shares with a lot of the Survivor legends) was because wasn't actually -trying- to be funny. In fact I don't think he would say he had a single funny moment during Survivor: Guatemala at all. Judd probably felt like he was being deadly serious. And that sentence in itself just makes him all the more endearing. Judd was ridiculous. Judd was blustery. Judd was as hypocritical and transparently two-faced as the day is long. Yet all this did was make the guy that much more entertaining.

You were never bored when Judd was in a scene on Survivor, and that us the highest possible compliment I can ever give to a Survivor player.

And it's about damn time we got a Judd fix on the funny 115.

The Judd moment I chose for the spot at #37 was the big man's reaction to being blindsided at the end of episode twelve. You remember it, I remember it, heck it was one of the most memorable (aka, colorful) exits in Survivor history. All I have to do is say one word... "scumbags"... and I bet you will start giggling. In fact that one word may be the most memorable Judd quote of them all. I mean, how dare the Xhakum tribe blindside him after they told him they weren't going to vote him out. How dare they! Because do you know what that makes them? That's right. Scumbags! The Xhakums were a bunch of freaking scumbags, man. Every last one of 'em.

Likes: Beer. Dislikes: Scumbags.

Here's the official recap of the Judd exit, for those of you who want to play along at home. Note that I don't have as many screen caps as I would have liked, because Guatemala is a hard season to find pictures from. And it sucks, too, because Judd happens to be one of my favorite castmembers of all time. Hope this season comes out soon on DVD!

It is the end of the twelfth episode of Survivor and the Xhakum tribe is ready to blindside Judd at Tribal Council. They know he's a good athlete. They know he is difficult to control. And above all else they know he is sort of hard to deal with. So they think it will be best to just bite the bullet and rip the Band-Aid off in one pull. Just blindside the guy, hope he leaves the game without incident, and then move on with their lives as if nothing happened.

And hope that Judd doesn't take it too personally in the jury.

Take it personally? Me? Come on, man.

Well expecting Judd to leave the game without incident is sort of like expecting Brian Heidik not to shoot an arrow into your puppy. Some people are just born to do things. And Judd was born to make incidents. That's just the way that his DNA is structured.

So it's right before the fateful vote. The Xhakums are finishing up Tribal Council, they are ready to blindside the big man, and that's when Judd decides to dig himself an already deeper hole than he is already in. As usual, Judd is going to open his mouth and say something so incredibly ironic and contradictory that it is going to make the blindsiding all that much better. Because the last thing he says at Tribal Council that night is when he explains to Jeff that, "The only way you move on is that somebody goes home. No hard feelings but... deal with it. That's basically the way I look at it."

That line is classic Judd. Just say something that you are immediately going to contradict. It happens over and over during Guatemala. Open mouth, insert foot. And do it every other episode, man.

So the votes come in and, sure enough, Judd's name starts popping up left and right. JUDD. JUDD. JUDDINATOR. JUDD. And Judd can't believe it. He had no idea he was about to go home tonight. It hadn't even crossed his mind for a second.

Judd's reaction during TC

And then, of course, his surprise turns to anger. Did they just vote me out? DID THESE FREAKING SCUMBAGS JUST VOTE ME OUT?

(L to R): Scumbag, Scumbag, Scumbag, Scumbag

Judd stands up, he grabs his torch, and he gives us another classic quote when he says, "Thanks guys. I hope you guys all get bit by a freaking crocodile. Scumbags."

I love that quote. Only Judd could have said that line. And he's not finished either. Judd still has more to say on the matter. Because after Jeff snuffs his torch, Judd lumbers off down the Walk of Shame and we hear him mutter one more time (under his breath):

" ................. scumbags...."

Ha ha. Sorry, that last "scumbags" just always makes me laugh. He says it so quietly, and so forlornly, that it's the icing on Judd's entire experience in the game. Just the image of big bad Judd exiting the game with a very quiet little "............. scumbags..." never fails to make me laugh. As my wife Diana noted, it's almost like Judd is trying to say it to himself. He thinks he is saying something under his breath, but he talks so loud that everybody back at camp can actually hear him. Or as I said, "No, I think that was just Judd's idea of an inner monologue. His inner monologue is so loud that, unlike other people, it actually comes out of his body."

Judd (still walking): " .................................................. scumbags ................"

In any case, this is one of my favorite Survivor exits and one of my all-time favorite Survivor quotes.

God bless the Survivor producers for digging up a character like Judd Sergeant.

We will be seeing him again on the countdown very soon.

P.S. ".............................................................................................. scumbags."

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