The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#14. "I
have."
Tocantins - episode 9
In the annals of Survivor comedy history, there are two words
that have always ranked higher in the pantheon than anything else.
There are two little words that, when put together, sum up everything
you have ever wanted to know about Survivor, and everything you have
ever wanted to know about what is funny about Survivor, and everything
you have ever wanted to know about why Survivor is awesome.
And just what are these two most important magical little words?
"Mother fucker."
No, Sandra. Not those two words, you delightful little minx.
There are two other words that are even funnier than those two.
And that sum up everything there is to know about what makes
Survivor so awesome. Would anybody else like to guess what
these two important little words are?
"Heidi Strobel?"
"Russell Hantz?"
"James Miller? Hell yeah!"
No, I didn't just ask for your name. And James, that was four
words, not two.
Again, what I am asking is... what two words, when put together,
makes up one of the single most epic quotes in Survivor
history? One that, even though I am ranking it #14 on the
Funny 115, I am already well aware I am going to get email about
because I didn't rank it #1.
Come on guys. You know this. What are these two
magical little Survivor words?
"Little crack?"
What? No.
What the hell? No!
"Russell Hantz!"
NO!!
"My balls?"
"Daaaaaamn chickens!"
What the fuck? NO! That's not even the right show!
Fine. If I have to point out the single greatest two word
quote in Survivor history, I will just... ah... well... screw it.
I will just play the scene from Tocantins in its entirety.
Because there is no way you can appreciate the awesomeness of
this moment until you see it in context.
Because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the Beaches."
And so here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I have been looking forward to
this entry for a very long time.
May I now present to you... a scene that had a very strong chance of
being #1 overall on the countdown...
A moment that perfectly encapsulates the man, the myth, the
legend... that we know... as "Coach."
Coach
It is episode nine of Tocantins, and today the tribe is going to be
competing in a little reward challenge.
"Come on in, guys!"
In come the intrepid warriors.
Including the most intrepid of them all, Coach.
Jeff explains the rules of today's reward challenge
"You guys will be throwing balls underhand at a series of tiles"
"And you will be divided into three teams."
"Black team will have black tiles, red team will have red tiles, white
team will have white tiles."
"Last team with all their tiles intact at the end of the challenge,
wins reward."
I love this picture. For Coach, a chance to prove his
superiority in front of everyone. For Stephen? Yeah
maybe not so much.
"Wanna know what you're playing for?"
"The winning team will be taken on a day of white water river rafting."
White water rafting? We love white water rafting!
Oh, and you know who also loves white water river rafting?
Yes!
I SAID
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This is world class river rafting."
Coach hears this and immediately creams in his pants. "Goo!"
Um. Ew.
And with that, the challenge is ready to begin.
The red team, the black team, and the white team are now competing in
what is basically a glorified version of Tiddlywinks. First
one to win gets a white water rafting trip. First one to sit
with Coach if he wins will probably be mopping jizz off the
seat. As you can guess, the stakes are very very high on this
one.
The red team lines up before the challenge, ready to go.
Sure enough, Coach takes a moment to start doing Coach things
Booyah!
And with that, it is time for round one.
Coach and Stephen line up to take out the black team. And yet
again, we see the dichotomy between a normal human being, and a Dragon
Slayer. Coach looks like he is ready to take on the
world. Stephen looks like he just ripped one.
Stephen and Coach line up their shots. They reach down.
And they are fire away.
And the results?
SMASH! SMASH!
They each take out a black tile.
That is two black tiles down, after just one round. The
crazy
team black team is pissed.
Meanwhile, Coach celebrates his underhanded superiority like he just
won the Crusades
Or like he just shot Marty McFly
Are you not entertained?
With the black team being down two tiles, and the black team
being annoyed about what just happened to them, this is where we set
the stage for the now infamous Coach quote.
Because it is now round two, and it is time for Tyson to come up and
throw.
Tyson walks up and he sizes up his victims
Sure enough, he lines up in front of the black tiles
J.T. (a member of the black tribe, and a famous letter enthusiast)
sees what Tyson is about to do. And he isn't very happy about
it.
"Come on, man. Why's everybody after the black team?"
Erinn, over on the white team, laughs at J.T.'s
feeble protest. And smiling evilly, as she is known to do,
she
offers a retort.
"We have to. Your team's a little stacked."
The devil
Brendan,
who is lined up and about to shoot for the black team, hears Erinn and
her evil smiling response. And he takes offense to the notion
that they are any more stacked than any of the other teams.
Stacked? What the f, dude?
Brendan tries to rebut this comment by laying out a calm,
methodical, and logical argument.
"We're throwing underhand, breaking tiles."
"None of us have ever done this in our lives."
Oh really?
There isn't a person here who has never made a
living out of throwing tiles underhand at a vertical line of ceramic
targets? Brendan is really trying to argue that nobody here
has
ever done this game professionally in their lives?
He really thinks the rests of these pinheads are going to believe that?
Coach hears this and he scoffs
And
so here we go. One of the greatest moments in Survivor
history.
And the most ridiculous game of one-upmanship you are ever
going
to see in your life.
This is the scene, my friends, where Coach goes from overblown
hypocrite... to unintentional comedy legend.
All it takes is two simple words, which he is about to utter
right now.
"Stacked?!?"
"We're throwing underhand, breaking tiles."
"None of us have ever done this in our lives."
.
"I have."
Bam. And there you have it. One of the most simple,
yet profound bits of dialogue in Survivor history.
Coach
doesn't just have to one-up everyone like he usually does.
No, in
this case, he has to one-up everyone using the STUPIDEST MOST POINTLESS
EXAMPLE OF ONE-UPMANSHIP KNOWN TO MAN.
Yes, I have
thrown balls underhand at ceramic tiles. I do it all the
time.
Oh, and you don't? Well excuse the fuck out of me
for
being awesome and for being a fantastic underhand ball thrower.
I
do this shit every day of my life, this is why they call
me the
Ceramic Slayer.
"No,
it's totally possible. I've probably thrown balls at a
ceramic
tile, like, 300-350 times myself. I do it all the
time, tiles are like, scared to death of me."
And so anyway, there you go. One of the most fantastic scenes
in
the history of Survivor, and one that sums up the legend of Coach
better than I ever could, even if I tried to write a 1,000 page entry
about the guy.
This is such a fantastic scene, in fact,
and is so beloved among Survivor enthusiasts, that I must have gotten
at least a hundred emails about it when I was asking for
nominations for the new Funny 115. Time and again, people
would
write me to beg me to include Coach's famous "I have" underhanded
throwing at ceramic tiles one upmanship. Without a doubt it
has
got to be one of the most beloved comedic moments in Survivor history.
"Yes, I did blotter acid before masturbating on a hobo."
Here
is a sampling of some of the emails I got about this scene, by the way.
You can see just from these comments that people feel very
strongly about this particular scene. So strongly,
in fact,
that like I said, I am sure people are going to be pissed that it wound
up only ranking in at #14. I am sure I am going to be
fielding a
lot of disappointed and angry emails about it tomorrow.
"Yes, I can irrigate my own fistula."
"Yes, I have backdoored both of the Olsen Twins"
Oh yeah, the emails. Here are the three best ones I received
about this scene:
From linesinaconversation at Survivor Sucks:
Mario,
I'm sure there will be an overall Coach entry on the new list, but will
he have any other individual moments? I'd love to see a lower-tier
entry based on when Brendan said, before the F9 RC, "it's not like
any of us have thrown balls underhand at ceramic tiles before," and
Coach replied with a simple "I have!" Thought that was a great little
moment that perfectly
encapsulates the man, the myth, the legend that is Coach Ben
Wade.
From Snuffed at Survivor Sucks:
"I have" really
is the quintessential Coach quote. Sure there may be
more
ridiculous ones, from his campfire stories to quoting MLK, but I don't
think a single quote summarized a person's story on a season better
than
that.
From a reader named Mark Polishuk:
Yeah, Coach is that guy
--- the
Topper. You've met people like this at work or at parties. This is the
person who, whenever someone says they've done something or had
something odd happen to them, always has to chime in with a
self-centered tale of how they've done something similar so they can
remain the center of attention. Coach did this a lot.
"Yes, I understand the plight of the black man."
By the
way... this is something I have never really talked about before... but
I actually asked Coach about this scene when I had a chance to
meet him at a party once. This is something I have never
written
about before on any message board, or in any of my Facebook posts, or
anywhere on Sucks. I wanted to save this story until I had a
chance to write about it on the Funny 115. And now I am
excited
because I finally get to tell it.
Through an incredible stroke
of luck, I actually got to meet Coach at a Survivor event last December
(Dec 2010). He had no idea who I was when I said my name, so
I
just introduced myself as a Survivor writer. He asked what
kind
of things I wrote, and I said, "Well, my current project is a big
countdown that counts down the funniest moments in Survivor
history. You might be interested in reading it some day on
the
internet, it is called The Funny 115."
Coach looked at me and
asked if he was going to show up anywhere on the countdown. I
tried to hold back a smile, and I said, "Yeah, I think you might.
In fact, there is one scene during a reward challenge that
pretty
much everyone loves."
Now here is the funny part. Without
missing a beat, we both immediately held up our arms and said "I have."
And I swear to God, it was simultaneous. Coach
immediately
knew what scene I was talking about before I even mentioned it.
Then of course, he started laughing at himself.
Well,
since it sounded like he was going to be a good sport about this, I
asked him what the real story behind that scene was. Why did
he
feel the need to brag about something so stupid like throwing balls
underhand at ceramic tiles? Was that him just trying to be a
dick
to everybody?
Coach thought about the question for a second, and
then he said, "Okay here's what happened. Before I went out
to
play Survivor, I read a bunch of books about strategy and leadership.
I wanted to find out what the best way would be to lead my
tribe,
and for them to always know that I was a guy they could count on."
Okay, I nodded. So far I got it. So far it sounded
reasonable.
"One
of the things I read," he continued, "was that you always want to come
off as an expert on everything. Like, any time a
subject
comes up, you always want them to know that you know how to do it.
That way they will always have confidence in you.
And,
conversely, you will always have confidence in yourself.
Because
if you don't believe in yourself, how do you expect other people to
believe in you?"
"So you would just always say you knew how to do something,
even if you didn't?"
"That was the plan."
"So what happened with the underhanded toss scene?"
Coach laughed. "Yeah on that one I think I went
overboard."
I just looked at him. "Coach, have you ever tossed balls
underhand at a ceramic tile?"
"Never."
And
so there you go. Now you know the story behind the famous "I
have" quote. Coach loves it and thinks it is as ridiculous as
the
rest of us do.
Hope you enjoyed that, by the way. I have been sitting on
that story for nearly a year!
"Yes, I fight crime with my talking car K.I.T.T."
And, well, that's it.
Oh wait!
Before we go, here is a bonus for the "I have" entry.
Here are Coach and Heidi engaging in a brag-off.
Enjoy. :)
Coach vs Heidi - The Brag-Off
There can be only one
Back in Vietnam, I saved the lives of over 200 people.
I
didn't save anyone in Vietnam, but that's only because they were
fighting over me. They were all fighting over my shiny blonde
hair.
My shiny blonde hair is the finest in the land. My agent at
William Morris tells me I should write a screenplay about it.
I
dated William Morris for a while, but I turned him down because he
didn't throw a fastball like my husband. You know him.
Phillies ace fireballer Cole Hamels.
I
had a wet dream when I was 5 years old, and Cole Hamels came out.
That's right, Heidi. You are married to a Dragon
Seed.
Oh please. Nobody has a wet dream when they are five years
old.
I did.
That's stupid. That is biologically impossible. And
I should know. I invented biology.
Well I invented inventions.
Yeah but your IQ is only three digits. How could you have
done that? My IQ is at least in the thousands.
Yes but have you ever slayed a dragon?
Many times. Dragons are, like, scared to death of me.
Oh look at me. I'm so smart, and so blonde. And my
boobs are so perfect.
Courtney, stay out of this. This is between me and Heidi.
And also, the Norse god Fjorgyn.
People have mistaken me for a Norse god before
Oh look at me. I married a Phillie. I get to go to
all the charity events.
Enough! Don't make me slay you, Courtney. I have
done it before.
Oh the great Coach is going to slay me. Oh, I'm so scared.
Oh goodness me, I only weigh like 80 pounds.
I'm just a little bit thinner than that. I think I weigh
about 79 pounds.
Last chance, evil grinners. Back down. Or I'll
conquer the two of you like I conquered the Olsen Twins!
Hey Coach, remember when you fell off that pole and cried?
Remember "Goo"?
"I pretty much created goo. People always goo when they see
me."
*tears*
"My tears are sexy blonde genius tears."
And with that, we finally have our champion.
The winner? Of the first ever Heidi-Coach Survivor brag off?
Well of course you know who the winner is.
The winner is the one who always wins.
"Who's conquered Courtney and Heidi? This guy."
