The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#13.  Tyson is promoted to assistant coach
Tocantins - episode 3

You know, if there is one person I wish I could have included more on the Funny 115, it is Tyson.  

I think Tyson is awesome.  Pretty much every single line that ever came out of his mouth, I thought was funny.

Some of the stuff that didn't even come out of his mouth was funny

Including this

But the problem with Tyson on a list like the Funny 115 is that most of his good stuff wasn't so much based on a scene, as it was based on dialogue.  Most of his awesome moments just came in little quips he made to another person.  Or something he did that made him look like a dick.  Or a funny line in a confessional.  Or a particular remark he made about how Sierra was worthless.

All of that stuff was funny, of course, but it is hard to turn little quip humor like that into Funny 115 entries (Rudy had the same type of problem in the original Funny 115).  So unfortunately most of Tyson's stuff got left on the cutting room floor.  Unfortunately, all I could do with him was combine most of his really funny Survivor moments into one big character entry.

Although I forgot to include the scene where he let Debbie the school principal dry hump him


There was one great Tyson scene that DOES make a good Funny 115 entry, and I am proud to present it right now as the #13 entry.

There won't be a lot of fanfare attached to this one.  It isn't going to be one of the more epic entries on the countdown.  It isn't going to have a lot of music and callback jokes and sound.

All it is is a really funny guy sitting down to give a really funny confessional.  Which is easily one of my top 10 favorite confessionals in Survivor history.

One that was so funny, it even made Tyson laugh.  And he doesn't laugh at ANYTHING.

So here we go.  Ladies and gentlemen, it is Tyson Apostol from Survivor: Tocantins.  In his world famous "assistant coach" confessional.

You know how we all enjoy Coach now?  And how we all... well, okay most of us... find his antics over the top and ridiculous?  Well Tyson was one of the very first people to realize how silly the whole "Coach" persona was.  And he wasn't very shy in pointing it out to us.  

So take it away Tyson.  

It is time to cut down the Dragon Slayer as only you can.

It is episode three of Survivor: Tocantins, and best buddies Tyson and Coach are hanging out and talking shit about the rest of the tribe.  As they usually do.

You see, Tyson is Coach's best friend in the game.

Coach likes to tell his buddy everything

Including some things that he probably shouldn't.

Ah, I see

So anyway, Tyson sits down for a confessional in the middle of episode three.  

And a segment producer asks him what he thinks about his new bestie.

"One word to describe Coach?"

"I think that's it.  Coach."

"You know, he's not always the best at what he's coaching."

"But he thinks he knows the most."

"He likes his voice to be heard, which is what we all want."

"And need."

And then the interviewer asks about the famous "Hey Tyson, you're kind of like my assistant coach" moment.

This is the best part of the confessional.  This is where Tyson is reminded of that exchange with Coach, and he physically cracks up.  

Now let me point something out to you.  I have known people like Tyson in real life.  I have known lots of people like Tyson in real life.  I have spent my whole life gravitating towards people who are smart and funny like Tyson is, it is kind of what I do.

People like Tyson are always the funniest guy in the room.  They are also almost always the smartest guy in the room.  They are smart and funny and witty, and they know it.

And when you get someone who is smart and funny and cocky like Tyson is, do you know what other trait a person like that almost always has too?

Here is the answer:   Smart funny cocky people like Tyson ALMOST NEVER LAUGH.  It is almost impossible to get a person like Tyson to completely break character and lose it in real life.  It is almost impossible to do because they know they are always smarter and funnier than you.  So all they are doing is standing there, trying to think of something funnier and smarter than what you are saying, and it is almost impossible to one up them and catch them off guard and get them to bust up.  

So there is your armchair psychology 101 for the day.   Without ever meeting Tyson in real life, hell without even so much as even exchanging an email with the guy, I can tell you with nearly 100% certainty that he is the type of person who is very very difficult to make laugh.

Yet when he thinks back to Coach telling him that he can be his assistant coach?  He completely loses it.

Lost in the giggle zone

It's over

Once Tyson has recovered from his very rare attack of the giggles, it is time for him to wax nostalgic on what it means to his life to have been named the new Assistant Dragon Slayer.

"You know what?  When he told me I was like his assistant coach?"

"More power to me, you know?"

"But he has a little schoolboy crush on me.  People see that."

"He loves me, you know?"

"So if I keep plugging away, I'll eventually make coach.  He may promote me."

"I don't know if I'll have my own team..."

"Or we'll be co-coach, or whatever."

There can be only one

"But people are gonna start callin' me that."

"I'm actually gonna demand it."

And then we finish with the grand finale.

"If we ever get put on separate tribes in this game..."

"I will demand that the other tribe calls me 'Coach" too."

And so there you have it.  The best confessional from one of the masters of confessionals.

One day Tyson Apostol, this could be you.

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