The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#17.  The Wacky Adventures of Jason Siska
Fans vs Favorites - all season

When most people think about Fans vs Favorites, the very first thing that comes to their mind is usually something along the lines of "OMG, remember how Erik gave away immunity to the girls?  And remember how they immediately turned around and voted him out?  And then they all called him an idiot?  Holy shit, do you remember how embarrassing that was?"


Yes, when most people think about Fans vs Favorites, that is the image that comes to their mind.  They think about Erik the Ice Cream Scooper.  And they think about him going out like a chump.  

Those two images will forever go together in Survivor history.  

They will forever be remembered as a team, sort of like chocolate and peanut butter.

Or chocolate, peanut butter, and tits

Okay but here is the thing.

YES, the Erik Reichenbach episode was amazing.  YES, it was hilarious.  YES, it was embarrassing.  

YES, it was one of the most memorable storylines in Survivor history.

No scoop for you!

But Erik Reichenbach did NOT have the most embarrassing storyline in Fans vs. Favorites!   No way, not even close!

I know this will come as a surprise to all the people who have associated "Fans vs Favorites" and "Erik got bitchslapped" throughout the years, but if you want to see the single most humiliating storyline in Survivor history, if you want to see a guy who made way more embarrassing mistakes (not mistake, mistakes) than Erik Reichenbach ever made, if you want to see a guy who got bitchslapped harder than anyone has ever been bitchslapped in Survivor before, well you need look no further than Erik's fellow member of the Fans tribe.

Yes, it is time to delve into the amazing storyline of the man they call Siska.


You see, God might have made an embarrassing example out of Erik Reichenbach.   In Fans vs Favorites He might have reached down from the heavens and pointed at Erik and decided to make a little Survivor joke.

But that was nothing compared to what He did to Jason Siska.

With Jason Siska, God reached down and He just flat out bitchslapped him.

For you, I have... darker... plans

And so here we go.

The story of Jason Siska.  Or, as I like to call it, the biggest bitchslap in Survivor history.

You know how Erik Reichenbach got humiliated by the girls?  Well Jason Siska got humiliated too, only he managed to do it to himself.  Oh, and he also managed to do it three separate times.

Get ready.  There may never be another Survivor storyline as awesome as this one.

You ready?  Jason's ready.

It is episode one of Fans vs Favorites, and there's a new hired gun in town.

He's a really big fan of the game.  And his name is Siska.

 If the Fans were Mount Rushmore, Jason Siska would be Lincoln

Now, Jason actually does have a pretty good start to the game.  Most people don't remember that, they only remember him later, when he turned into a retard.  But Jason is probably one of the strongest competitors in the Micronesia over the first few episodes.

Wooooo!  I rock!

Wooooo!  I'm awesome!

Yeaahhhhhh, I'm a badass!

Jason looks over at the Favorites and taunts them with a big Siska goober grin

Jason is such a big badass through the first three episodes that he even goes down to the beach and he kills a snake.  And come on, Indiana Jones wouldn't even kill a snake.  Indiana Jones is scared to death of snakes.  So how badass is this guy?

"I am very badass."


People fear me

Yes, through the first three episodes of Fans vs Favorites, Jason Siska is pretty much as big a badass as we have ever seen before on Survivor.  He is good in the challenges.  He is deadly to sea snakes.  He taunts the other tribe.  He has a wonderfully smug grin.

Through the first three episodes of Fans vs Favorites, Jason Siska is so good at Survivor that he is practically a god.

Is that all you have, God?  Snakes?  Challenges?  The Favorites?  Is there nothing more challenging left for me to defeat??

Alexis:  "Wow, Jason is awesome.  Just check out his package."

Shit, Jason Siska is such a Survivor badass that he even interrupts Jeff Probst in the middle of his Tribal Council speech!

Remember this scene?  Here is a great example of Siska just being Siska.  This is from episode four of Fans vs. Favorites, where Jeff Probst tells the Fans that it is time to vote, and Jason just waves his finger and says "oh no you din't."  

Sorry Jeff Probst, but we don't vote until Jason Siska says we should vote.

It is the end of episode four, and Jeff is about to tell the Fans to go vote

"Alright, it is time to vote.  Jason, you're up."

Jason interrupts him by raising his hand and telling him to stop


"Jeff, I need to emphasize the importance of tonight's vote."

"In determining the future of this tribe."

"We need to really think about who we keep on the island, and who we let go."


"Uh... any other comments from anybody else?"

No more comments.  The point has been made.

(still amused)  "Alright.  Um, okay, I guess now it is time to vote."

So anyway, yeah.  For three episodes, Jason Siska is having a pretty good Survivor experience.

I admire this plucky game, it amuses me

But then?

Ah yes...

After three episodes, it is time for the bitchslap.

Ow.  Survivor hurts

In episode four, Ozzy (of the Favorites tribe) gets sent to Exile Island.  

Now, on paper, this might not seem like it would affect Jason's storyline.  On paper, you would just think okay, fine, some other guy in the game got sent to Exile.  

But you see, it does matter to Jason's storyline.  It matters a lot.  

As we will soon see below.

Ozzy gets sent to Exile Island

And the first thing he does on Exile Island?

He finds the hidden immunity idol

With the real idol now in his hand, and a sense of a mischief a mile wide, Ozzy comes up with a fun little strategic joke he decides he is going to play on somebody.

"I'm going to make a fake idol and put it in the same spot.  And then maybe some idiot will find it and fall for it."

And just who is that idiot?

Ozzy laughs about his plan to fool somebody with a fake immunity idol

"God I hope somebody finds it and tries to play it."

He orgasms

So Ozzy finds a piece of wood and he makes a little fake idol.  

Although "fake idol" might be a little too strong a word for what he creates.  

You see, Ozzy doesn't have the craftsmanship or the woodworking skills of a guy like Bob Crowley.  He doesn't have the engineering degree or the knowledge of science like Yau Man Chan.  He doesn't even have the materials or the familiarity with the word "wood" like Beavis and Butthead.

All he has is a stick, a knife, and about fifteen minutes.

And this is the piece of shit that he creates.   It's a fucking stick with a face.

Ozzy buries his stick fake idol back in the same hole where the original idol was hidden

And then he crosses his finger and waits.

"Do your job now, buddy."

Like I said before, on paper this doesn't look like it will affect Jason's Survivor legacy.  But oh, just wait.  

It so will.


So anyway, with the fake idol just sitting there waiting for dingleberry to come along and find it, and Jason quickly losing control over his alliance on the Fans tribe, we are about to create a perfect storm of incompetence and dumbassery.   All the ingredients are slowly coming together to make the single most awesome Survivor storyline ever.

Back at camp, the Fans lose the big episode four immunity challenge.  They will be forced to go to Tribal Council tonight.

And for the first time all game, the vote doesn't go Jason's way.

His ally Mikey B is voted out


 The Fans decided to vote out Mikey B in favor of this guy.

With his buddy Mikey B out of the game, and a useless lump like Chet just hanging around camp doing pageant things, things are looking down in the dump for our old hero Jason Siska.  All of a sudden this bed of roses and daffodils that he knows as Survivor is starting to turn against him.  Things are no longer always going his way.

This sucks

And that's when he gives us a quote that I'm sure he would later regret.

"The tribe I'm in is not the tribe I want to be in.   I would really like there to be a switch."

And sure enough, in episode five?  Here it comes.  Just like Jason was hoping for.  The Tribal Switch.

This is where the legend of Jason Siska will officially be born.

"Drop your buffs, we are switching tribes."


Jason is immediately picked to be a member of the Airai tribe.  

Although it is probably a very bad sign in hindsight that nobody even knows his name.

"I'm gonna pick blue.  I don't know his name."

"Yeah you.  Squirelly boy."

And then of course Jason follows that up by selecting a woman who would later embarrass him.  Yeah, you know how Parvati completely wreaked havoc in Fans vs Favorites, and how she systematically destroyed pretty much everybody?  You know how she put together the single most deadly alliance in Survivor history?

Well you can blame it on Jason.

"I'm gonna take Poverty."

(annoyed)  "Parvati!"

"Parvati.  Sorry."

"Oh you!"

Heh, she likes me

Jason smiles the biggest, douchiest, most "I'm awesome" grin as Parvati walks over and he welcomes her into the tribe

"Hi, I'm Parvati.   Don't unpack."

And with that, we now have the tribe that will dominate the game.  The Airais.

And then, just for good measure?  A fist pump.

"Isn't he adorable?"

And this is where Jason takes his first step towards immortality.

This is where he finds Ozzy's hidden immunity idol stick with a little face on it.  

It is episode six.  Airai has just won a reward challenge


Okay Airai, you won.  Pick somebody from Malakal to go to Exile.

We send Chet.   Wait, Chet is still alive?  

One Airai, since we are pretty sure that Chet is going to perish out on Exile Island, one of you has to go out there with him too

Which Airai member is brave enough to go out and scoop up Chet's corpse?

You got it

Jason volunteers to go to Exile

Ozzy delights

So Chet and Jason (but mostly Jason) head out to Exile Island.

Meanwhile, back at camp, everyone debates what will happen if a challenge god like Jason finds the hidden immunity idol.

"What if Jason found the idol?  That wouldn't be good, would it?"

Ozzy, of course, is slightly less worried about it.

After all, he knows exactly who has gone out to Exile Island.   And he knows exactly what is out there, waiting for him.

At this point, all that Ozzy is hoping for is for comedy to ensue.

"I really want Jason to find the fake one."

"Because from what I've heard, he might be naive enough to believe that it's the real one."

Ozzy sits there and laughs about what is about to happen

Sure enough, Jason Siska gets out to Exile Island.  

He gets there and he starts looking for idol clues.

"Dear Jason, I just wanted to warn you about the all-crazy alliance on the Airais.   They look strong.   Use this idol to save yourself tonight, and to vote for Sleckman.  I think she is the ringleader.  Stay strong, and I'll see you at the merge.  BFFs forever.  -J.T."

Jason continues looking for clues

And then?  After probably about an hour and a half of searching?


Jason finds the hidden idol twig with a little fucking face on it, and he exults.

Jason sits down and takes a look at the idol he has just discovered


Is Jason suspicious?  

Is he concerned?  

Is he bothered at all that the hidden immunity idol looks more or less like a stick version of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo?

I'll protect ya!  Hiiiiiiidey hooooooo!

No.  He's not.

Jason really isn't suspicious at all.

"Well, I guess this is the hidden immunity idol."

"Uh... it's not much, but it's a carving of a piece of wood with... uh..."

"A little guy on it."

"And... uh..."

Now this is the part where you expect that Jason might show a little concern.  You know, after the "And... uh..." part.   With 99% of the people in the world, the next thing that would come out of their mouth after "And... uh..." would be something along the lines of "And you know, I know it looks cheap.  I hope somebody didn't just put it there and is trying to trick me with it."

But are these the words that come out of Jason Siska's mouth?  Does he express any concern or any skepticism here?

Is he suspicious of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo Idol at all?

Of course he isn't!

(giddily)  "This is pretty incredible."

(laughing)  "I'm gonna have to hold onto this tight."


So anyway, yes.  Jason Siska's storyline is going to be way more embarrassing than anything that Erik Reichenbach ever did.

Oh yeah, and this is the best part.   We are just getting started.

Seriously.  The actual fucking idol.  That's not an idol, that's a dildo.

By the way, Siska isn't done bragging about his shiny new hidden immunity idol yet.  Nope.  

He still has a few more choice Siska-isms to go.

"Ozzy doesn't have it.  I have it."

"So this is really good for me."

Fist Pump!

(happily)  "Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!"

So anyway, yeah.    Jason has now fallen for Ozzy's fake immunity idol... hook, line, and sinker.  He really hasn't even doubted it for a second.

Anything that happens after this scene is pretty much just a bonus.

Jason proudly carries his idol back to camp

Now I know that you are reading this and you are laughing.  You are laughing at how ridiculous Jason Siska is.

But wait!  

There's a lot more to the Jason Siska experience than just the stick scene!

There is a lot more!

Jason goes back to camp, and he immediately does his best to get in good with his new tribesmates

Does it work?

Do the other Airais like him and respect him?

Um, yeah.  Take a guess.

"I think Jason has been trying to impress the favorites ever since the switchup."

"Hey guys, I caught a rat.  Let's eat it."


After Jason catches the rat, Parvati reacts to the sight of it.

"Ewww, look at his tail.  He's so... yuck."

Jason (proudly)  "Oh, the tail is delicious."

Parvati:  "Have you ever had a rat before?"

Jason:  "Never."

Which leads us to this very diplomatic confessional by Parvati.

"Jason's trying to fit in, but it's not working though."

(laughing)  "I think he's a loser."

It is episode eight, and the Jason Siska storyline is slowly starting to come into focus now.

He is the guy who has fallen for Ozzy's fake stick.  He is the guy who tries to fit in, but who nobody likes.  He is the guy with that big smug grin on his face, which cracks me up every single time I see it at Tribal Council, because it pops up in practically every shot.

You know, this one.

Jason's storyline is slowly starting to come into focus now.  But it doesn't actually explode into awesomeness until episode nine.  Which-- hey-- coincidentally, is exactly where we are right now.

So anyway, here we go.  Hold on to your seats. It is time for episode nine of Fans vs Favorites.

From here on out, Jason just totally destroys Erik Reichenbach on the embarrassing/hilarious/awesome scale.

Ozzy has just been sent to Exile Island, and he notices that his fake immunity idol is gone

"Ha ha!  Someone's taken the bait!"

"So who's it gonna be?  Who is gonna be tricked by Ozzy?"

Jason gets back to camp Airai with his idol.  And he immediately makes friends with the only other outcast on the tribe, Eliza.

Nobody on Airai likes Jason.  And nobody on Airai likes Eliza.  On paper, these two are pretty much the perfect alliance for one another.

One night, Eliza laments to Jason that the tribe is going to vote her out the first chance they get

And Jason, who has always been a knight in shining armor, decides that this is the time he is going to step in and help his little Airai girlfriend

"No, it's cool Eliza.  I have the hidden immunity idol."


"Yeah it's cool.  I have the idol.  I found it on Exile."

Whatchoo talkin about, Siska?

Jason swears her to secrecy

When Eliza hears this news, she reacts with delight.

Jason has the idol!  Yay!  The two of us will be safe!

Well no.  Turns out she's actually not safe.

Again.  The dildo.

So the tribes merge.   Eliza and Jason go into the merge undermanned.  At this point, it is basically just the two of them against the world.

Yay, merge!

With the tribes merged, Ozzy finally gets to meet Jason for the first time.

And what does he think?

Well it takes about thirty seconds, but Ozzy figures out pretty quickly that this is the numbnuts who fell for his fake immunity idol.  All he has to do is talk to Jason for about half a minute, and he is pretty sure that this retard is the guy who is walking around proudly carrying a stick with a little face on it.

Hey Jason, what's that?

Ha.  Made you look.

Tee hee

Ozzy sits down and he predicts what is going to happen with Jason and the hidden smiley stick.

He explains it to us in a confessional.

"I think that Jason walking around with my fake hidden immunity idol is a beautiful thing."

"I think it's poetry in the making."

Like Chaucer

So anyway, with the tribes merged, and Eliza and Jason pretty much on the outs with everybody, you can pretty much guess what is going to happen next.

The players get together and they decide to vote out Eliza.

Let's vote out Eliza.  Yay!  Then afterwards we can have a pillow fight!

Eliza knows this is the plan, so she goes to Jason for help

Eliza:  "I need the idol, Jason."

Jason:  "Don't worry, we've got them right where we want them."

Eliza:  "Yeah... but the idol."

Jason:  "Wait until we see the look of failure on Ozzy's face tonight."

"Jason, I really really really need the fucking idol."

Don't worry babe.  I got you.

Finally, Jason hands Eliza his hidden immunity idol.

What Eliza sees when she unwraps it

Eliza is skeptical

Now, there is a very famous scene that takes place right here where Eliza storms down to the beach and she confronts Jason.  I am not going to get too much into that scene, since it is going to get its very own entry a little bit later in the countdown.  But suffice it to say that Eliza knows this isn't a hidden immunity idol, and she is a little bit pissed.

This isn't an idol!  It looks like one of Scout's dildos!


And... well... at Tribal Council, the humiliation is finally complete.

"If anybody would like to play the hidden idol, now would be the time to do so."

Fuckin A, I'm gonna play it.

Ozzy sees Eliza walk up to the podium with his little smiley stick, and he laughs

"The rules say that if this were a real hidden immunity idol, Eliza would be safe from the votes tonight."

"Yeah, I don't think so."



Jeff tosses the dildo into the fire

Ozzy sees this and he decides he can't hold in his laughter any more.

"Jeff, come on!  That took hours to make!"

James (in the back) just completely loses it

So does Amanda

And well, that's pretty much it for our friend Eliza.  

It turns out that Mister Hankey the Christmas Poo wasn't enough to save her at Tribal Council tonight.

Mr. Hankey is an anti-Semite

Nice rescue, Sir Galahad.

So anyway, there you go.  Jason and the hidden immunity stick.  One of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened in the first 22 seasons of Survivor.

Well, except for Jason tripping and falling in his Fans vs Favorites intro clip

But wait!  We aren't done with the Wacky Adventures of Jason Siska just yet!  

There's more!

Remember how I said that Jason was basically the story of Erik Reichenbach, times three?  Remember how I said that his storyline was way more embarrassing, and way more hilarious, than our friend Erik the Ice Cream Scooper?  Remember how I said that it wasn't even close?

Well get this.

It is the very next episode (seriously, like, five seconds after Jason got fooled by a dildo with a smiley face), and this is where Jason gives us this quote.  This is a quote I already talked about in an earlier entry.

Jason knows his ass is on the line.  With Eliza (the only other universally hated player) out of the game, he knows that every other player in Micronesia is going to come after him now.

But that really isn't all that big a deal, because Jason knows he is an all-star in the immunity challenges

And what is the now infamous Jason Siska quote that we get at the start of episode ten?

"Ozzy's not the only godlike competitor who can play this game."

Yes that's right.  Five minutes after the stick with a smiley face debacle, Jason compares himself to a god.

"Eat shit, Jason Siska!"

Ah.  I love writing these summaries.  :)

Anyway, so Jason now has a new mission in the game.  Starting in episode ten, he only has one goal left now in Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites.  His only goal left at this point is to go on some sort of an immunity run.  

Yes.  Jason Siska might not be the sharpest cheese in the dairy section, but he is smart enough to know that immunity is the only way he is ever going to get to the end anymore.

Excuse me, could I borrow a cup of immunity?

And now we come to the Amazing Moments of Jason Siska highlight number two.

It is the episode ten immunity challenge, and this is one that Jason desperately needs to win

He needs immunity to stay in this game, and he knows it.  Hell, even Amanda knows it, and she is back there behind him in the dead zone.

Meanwhile, Natalie and the other women know their assignment tonight.  Beat Siska.

Beat Siska.

Beat Siska.

Beat him for Mother Africa.

So the challenge starts

Hey, remember how I said that Siska was a badass in the challenges?

Well he is here in this challenge too.

He just stands there like a rock.  He isn't going to drop his arm for anybody.

One after another, all the other players fall in battle before him


Jason stands there in the rain for six hours.  And at the end of six hours, the challenge is now down to just two people.

At the end of six hours, the only two people that remain in the challenge are Jason and Poverty

(annoyed)  "Parvati!"

Oops, Parvati.  I'm sorry.

"Oh you!"

So anyway, the challenge is now down to just Jason and Parvati.

It is all going to come down to the girl who controls the game, and who wants nothing more than to vote Jason out of the game and humiliate him... and the guy who is perfectly aware of this.  It is all going to come down to the girl who will never be voted out of the game, and the guy who will be instantaneously voted out of the game.

And what strategic tactic does Jason decide to employ in this particular situation?

After six hours of being a total badass?  What does Einstein do next?

Kill him, Parvati!  Stop him!  We need this!

I'm trying!  I'm trying!

Finally, after six hours, Jeff has had enough.  He comes out from behind his podium with a big tray of food.

"Okay guys, here's how it's gonna work.  If one of you steps down, you get all this food, and all the other players get to share it too.  You have thirty seconds to decide who wants to be the hero."

And... well... as we all know, there is nothing that Jason Siska likes more than being the hero to everyone.

I think you can see where we are headed with this.

Hey I saved Eliza.  Now I can save everyone else too.

Yeah, about that...

Parvati even decides to help him with his decision.

"Jason!  Yay!  You can make friends!"

Natalie decides to helpfully pipe in as well.

"If he took one for the team, we could all very likely say, you know, we're gonna spare him tonight."

Wait.  You would say that?

Well we could.  Shit, who knows?

Cirie wants to pipe in, but she can't keep a straight face

Luckily, Jeff Probst is there, waiting to pounce.  He jumps right in to help facilitate this ridiculous deal.

"Are you saying the group is prepared to tell Jason that they won't vote him out tonight?  If he'll step down?"

But it won't be that easy.  

You see, Jason Siska happens to be a skilled negotiator.  

Probably from all those years he spent in law school.

"I'd need a guarantee."

Holy shit.  This is going to work?

Since apparently all it will take is a fake promise to get numbnuts to give up immunity, it doesn't take long before everyone raises their hand and promises they won't vote him out tonight.

Natalie promises

Erik promises

Parvati promises

Even Cirie promises

And now here is the most underrated part of the scene.

James knows what is about to happen, and he facepalms

One by one, every other player promises not to vote Jason out at Tribal Council tonight

A promise not a single one of them has any intention to keep

And how does the godlike Jason Siska finally respond to all this?

Yeah, I think I'm good.

Tee hee

So anyway, yeah.  Jason Siska received 8000 votes and was voted out at Tribal Council that night.

What?  No I wasn't!

Oh wait, you're right.   He wasn't.   Sorry, I forgot about that.

Jason would have been voted out at Tribal Council that night, but it turned out that Ozzy was a much bigger threat to win, and they all wanted to get rid of him.  

So by some small miracle of fate (one that had absolutely nothing to do with the promise they made to him), Jason was spared to live and to be a dumbass another day.  

Ozzy was blindsided at Tribal Council instead.



The plan worked


So now we have two completely embarrassing Jason Siska scenes.  That is one more than Erik Reichenbach ever had, mind you.  And both of them were just as humiliating as Erik's was.

Still think that Erik was the biggest doofus in Micronesia?

Okay, at this point it is still probably a tie

But wait!  We still have one more Wacky Adventure of the Godlike Jason Siska!  

He still has one more try to out-Erik Erik Reichenbach.

Think he can do it?

Yes.   I think I can.

So anyway, here we go.

Here is the absolute apex of the Jason Siska Survivor experience, and a scene that I think is even way more cringeworthy than anything that ever happened to Erik the ice cream scooper.

Seriously, parents?  If your kids are reading the countdown, you might want to put them to bed at this point.  Because this is the scene where Jason Siska gets bitchslapped so hard that it practically turns his head around.

And now... the fitting conclusion to the Jason Siska Survivor Experience

Sorry, broccoli fart.

It is episode eleven of Fans vs Favorites.  Or, as I like to call it, the "Jason gets bitchslapped" episode.

Just like last episode, Jason is well aware that the only thing that can save him at this point in the game is some sort of an immunity run

And, well, luckily, he gets the next best thing

"Jason, I'm sending you to Exile Island"


Going to Exile Island might seem shitty at first.  At least to Jason it does.  

But that's when Probst reminds him that there might be something very valuable out there for him.

"Remember, there is a new hidden immunity idol hidden out there now."

(dramatic pause)

"This time maybe you'll get a real one."


So anyway, here goes Jason Siska out to Exile Island.  Again.

And here he goes looking for that stupid little hidden immunity idol.  Again.

And what do you know?

This time he actually finds it

Fist pump!

This is probably the only heroic moment that Jason ever experienced the entire second half of Fans vs Favorites.  In eleven episodes, this is the probably the one and only time in the game that he was actually on top of the world.

And how does he celebrate his newfound status as the king of the world?

Why he gives us one of the most embarrassing confessionals in Survivor history, of course.

"Since stepping down from the last immunity challenge, I think things have definitely changed for me out here."

Um, no they haven't.

"I was bummed I had to come out here at first.  But hopefully Natalie sent me out to Exile Island so that I could find it."

"In the event that Natalie and I might work together in using the immunity idol."

"I believe I can trust Natalie."

Oh, and Natalie's rebuttal to this little piece of 100% completely ridiculous horseshit?

"Jason is out on Exile.  We all want him gone."

"The little bitch now has two days of sunshine, along with the immunity idol."

"Guaranteed, hands down, bitch'll find it."

"And that bitch being Jason."


Meanwhile, here we go.  Back to Exile.  Back to where Jason is still putting his entire foot in his mouth.

"The decision of Natalie to send me to Exile Island was a strategic move on her part."

"I feel that for the first time in the game, I am now part of a successful alliance."

"Right now, I am the most comfortable I have ever felt in this game."

"Yeah, Natalie's awesome."

Anything else you would like to add to the discussion, Natalie?  One last time, before we leave?

Did you really send Jason Siska out there to Exile just to align with him?

"I hope it rains on his ass tonight."

So Jason gets back to camp and... oh hell.. .I can't do it anymore.  This is ridiculous.  This storyline is getting too stupid as it is.

Let's just say that Jason comes back to camp and that it doesn't go well for him.

Jason:  "Hey Natalie, thanks for sending me to Exile.  I know you only sent me there so I could find the immunity idol."

Natalie:  "Yeah, that's pretty much why I did it.  Good catch."

Jason:  "I think it's awesome that now we are going to be able to work together with it."

Natalie:  "Yeah, that's gonna be awesome.  So anyway, how do you spell your name again?  Do you have a Y in the middle?  Or is it just JAS?"

And now?  

Ah yes.  Finally.

It is time for the bitchslap.

"I told Jason that we would work together with his idol, and that the target was going to be James tonight."

"Oh, and that he didn't have to worry about winning immunity today because he wasn't in danger anymore."

"Yeah I don't think Jason is going to be here tomorrow."

So anyway, here is where we stand headed into Tribal Council.

Jason has the real hidden idol in his pocket.  Everyone knows this.  It is the worst kept secret in the game.  Jason found the idol (the real one, not the dildo), and he is probably going to be safe tonight at Tribal Council.

Only... there's this rumor going around.  There's this rumor going around that Natalie might have convinced him that he doesn't have to play his idol tonight.  There's this rumor going around that Natalie might have convinced Captain Facepalm that he isn't in any danger anymore, and that he doesn't have any reason to feel like he is in jeopardy tonight.

Suddenly this rumor starts to spread around camp, and we get an awesome scene like this one.

Amanda tries to convince James that he isn't going home tonight

"I think Jason is."

Jason?  Why the hell would Jason be going home?  Isn't Jason holding the hidden immunity idol?  

Hasn't Jason been the target pretty much every single minute since the day the tribes merged?

"Yeah but I don't think he's gonna play it tonight."

I loves James' response to this.

And, well, tragic?  You got it!

Here are the final embarrassing minutes of Jason "bitchslap" Siska.

"Okay there are about fifteen votes for Jason Siska in this urn.  Anybody want to play the hidden immunity idol?"

No thanks, I'm good.

"Seriously, anybody want to play anything at all?  Like a stick?  Or a twig?  Or a dildo?"


Whaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuu?

"Um, Jason, I'm talking to you.  There might be votes in here for you.  You want to do anything with that hidden immunity idol in your pocket?   Like maybe play it or something?"

Just when they thought they knew all the answers... Jason would change the questions!

And... well...


This is where the Wacky Adventures of Jason Siska finally come to an end.


So anyway...

To wrap up the legacy of Jason Siska, yes.  Here is what we learned.

If you want to play the worst game of Survivor in recorded history, here is how you do it.

Ow, my puzzler hurts

First, find a stick.  Pretend it is an idol.  Use it at Tribal Council to try and save your girlfriend.


Next, compare yourself to a god.  Do lots of ungodlike things.  

Generally arouse the anger of any player or any deity around you.  

Maybe the least godlike player ever

After that, make sure you set it up so that you need an immunity run to make it to the end of the game.  Make sure that you have no options left to get to the end in Survivor.  You absolutely 100% need to win immunity every single challenge left in the game.

Oh, and the minute that happens, voluntarily take yourself out of the very next immunity challenge.

"So wait, if I take myself out of this challenge, you guys will give me a handful of magic beans?  Is that the deal we have on the table here?"

And then, finally, when you -do- get back to Exile Island, and you -do- find a hidden immunity idol?  

Make sure you don't play it.  


Never ever.

Make sure you carry that fucker with you all the way back to America.

Make sure you take it home so that you can sell it on Ebay.  Because we all know that that's where the real victory is.

If I take this back to America, I bet I can get reserve price + shipping for it.

And so anyway, there you go.  The Wacky Adventures of the man they call Siska.

Was Jason Siska's storyline more embarrassing than the one of Erik Reichenbach?   Was it more hilarious?  Does it deserve its slightly higher spot on the Funny 115?

I don't know.  I can't answer that.  Only you can answer that.  All I can do is present it to you.

The only thing I can do is leave you with this quote, which was posted by a reader a few months ago over at Survivor Sucks   This is what I got when I asked people to rank the falls of Jaime Dugan, Erik Reichenbach, and Jason Siska.  I asked a bunch of Survivor fans which "fall" they thought was the most humiliating.  

I think it is safe to say that I agree with this:

Okay Mario, here is the deal.  The thing with Jaime is, why would James leave a hidden immunity idol just laying on the ground like that?  And how are you supposed to know 100% that it is an idol anyway, with no instructions or anything indicating that it was an idol?  With Jaime I think you can say, yes, she made a mistake.  But it was a mistake that a lot of people would have made, and a lot of it was probably created in editing anyway.  I doubt the fall of Jaime Dugan really went down exactly like we saw on TV.

With Erik, it was a little bit different.  With Erik, I think he made a calculated risk, and it just happened to fail.  I mean, yeah, it wasn't the smartest risk in the world, but it is one he decided to take, and I don't think you can give him too much crap about it.  On paper, his decision to give immunity to the girls actually made a little bit of sense.  Not a lot of sense, mind you, but  if you look you can actually see the strategy there.

But Jason?  Jason was just fucking retarded.

We will miss you, fist pumper

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