The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#19.  Billy loves Candice
Cook Islands - episode 2

For some entries on the Funny 115, the only way to describe them would be "slapstick."  For other entries on the Funny 115, the only way to describe them would be "irony."  And then for yet even other entries on the Funny 115, the only way to describe them would be "Coach things."


And then there is one other special type of entry:  The WTF entry.  These are the entries that are based on something that was so weird, and so inexplicable, and so bizarre, that the first time you saw it, all you could do was go slack-jawed and just stare at your screen, thinking "What the f---?"   And, well, there you go.  Hence the name.  We call moments like this next one a "WTF entry."

Here is a good example of a WTF picture

The best thing about a true WTF moment?  Well the best thing is that it is nearly always funny.  Since there is no way to explain what just happened, since there is no logical way to describe in rational terns what you just saw, pretty much all you can do at that point is just make fun of it.  So by definition, a true WTF moment will pretty much always be a slam dunk shoo-in for a list like the Funny 115.  Moments like Billy and Candice are pretty much why the Funny 115 was invented.

The only bad thing about a WTF moment?  Well the only bad thing is that there really aren't all that many of them.

"Hey, I heard the White Devil tribe has some chick named Woodcock!"

So anyway, here you go.  The truly WTF love story of Billy and Candice.

Lots of people told me that this moment was the funniest thing that they had ever seen on Survivor, and that it needed to be #1 on the Funny 115.  Lots of other people told me that it wasn't funny it all.  They said that it was more sad than funny, and that it was mean to even think about including it on the Funny 115.

Do you think it is funny?  I guess it will all depend on your perspective.

For me, all I care about (and I don't think there is any way you can argue this) is that this is truly one of the most spectacular WTF moments in 22 seasons of Survivor.  Ask any Survivor fan about Cook Islands, and what will they remember?  They will remember Billy and Candice.  Unless you ask Nate, of course, because he will mostly just remember chopping up poop.

But here it is.  The tragic love story of Billy and Candice.  Told in all its spectacular fireball-crashing-to-Earth WTF awkward glory.

I hope you enjoy it.  If you didn't enjoy it, oh well.  In that case, ha ha, made you read.

It is day one of Survivor: Cook Islands, and there is a new sheriff in town.  He is a heavy metal musician, and his name is Billy Garcia.

Not a stalker

Most people only remember Billy because of his epic downfall.  But if you go back and rewatch Cook Islands, you will notice that he actually does have a pretty good first episode.  If for no other reason than the joke he cracks off in the opening few minutes below:

Billy is paddling to the island with the rest of the East L.A. Tribe, and he decides to make a joke

"And paddled their way away from an island, just so I could have a good life."

"Here I am paddling back to an island."

The high point of Billy's Survivor adventure.  This will be the last time he smiles.

Billy gets to the island with the rest of tie Aitus, and this is where he explains what his strategy is going to be for the first couple of days.

"I am going to conserve energy.  I am going to let everybody else do all the work."

Billy conserving energy

The rest of the Aitus notice this, of course.  And they offer a swift rebuttal.

"Billy is conserving energy.  We need to throw a challenge and get rid of him."

The Aitus discuss how Billy needs to go

Saaaaad panda

We are now about 30 minutes into Survivor: Cook Islands, and Billy has officially been shunned.   There is literally nothing he is going to be able to do to become a part of this group.   Aitu has already whittled itself down to a four-person tribe.

"I feel a little bit on the outside some of the time."

"I don't really relate.  I don't consider myself Hispanic.  I consider myself heavy metal."

Christina:   "That's not true.  You are a part of the group. We love you, Billy."

"Sweet, does that mean we're married now?  Do I get to put my penis inside you?"

By some odd stroke of luck, Billy survives the first episode.  But he isn't going to be so lucky in the second episode.  Because the minute the second episode hits, the Aitus decide that it is time to get rid of him.

And then Ozzy spells it out for us in plain English.

"We are going to throw the immunity challenge.  Billy has to get out of here."

Saaaaad panda

So the episode two immunity challenge comes around.   And sure enough, the Aitus throw it.   They throw it very blatantly.

Ozzy smirking as he throws the challenge

Ozzy knocking Billy into the water on purpose

"Nice job, Aitu.  You lost by 52 minutes."

"Way to put forth an effort, dipshits."

Saaaad panda

Up to this point in the game, Billy has pretty much been shunned, neglected, mocked, and ignored.  He has no friends anywhere around him.  He is a complete outcast on his own tribe.  

He is also well aware that the Aitus just threw a challenge just to get rid of him.

It is a very low time for him.

Candice notices Billy looking sad and depressed.  And... being a nice person... she tries to keep his spirits up.

She says, while nudging him with her elbow

Billy sees a friend for the first time in the game

Candice sees the sad, pathetic look on his face, and she says the only thing she can think of that will keep his spirits up.

Billy, of course, in his fragile state, hears "We love you" and misinterprets it as "I love you."  

And what is the one thing you tell someone after they say that they love you?

Bedroom eyes

Nailed it

This whole conversation was little more than a minor exchange between two minor characters at the end of an insignificant immunity challenge.  And it is doubtful that anyone but Parvati and CGI Brett even overheard it when it happened.  But it will become big a few hours later when Billy winds up at Tribal Council.   Just wait.  You'll see.  

This is where the WTF part of this entry comes in.

It is a few hours later, and Aitu is now at Tribal Council.  Jeff Probst is asking Billy what happened during the challenge today.

"They threw it to get rid of me."

"You believe they threw the challenge?"

"I know they threw the challenge."

Billy stutters and stammers and tries to explain how hurt he was by the whole debacle...

... and that's when he enters in the amazing spectacular land of WTF world.  

Seriously, listen to what Billy says, and watch the completely serious shocked reaction on Jeff's face.  Probst wouldn't have been more surprised if Billy had confessed to assassinating Lincoln. 

"I'm playing the game, Jeff  That's what I came here to do."

"But my prize isn't even the million dollars.  My prize is... I fell in love in this game."

"Love at first sight."

Sphincter says what?

"... her name is Candice."

And the money shot

The women hear this and immediately bust up

Jeff is practically speechless.  "...... Candice??  From Raro tribe??"


Jeff has no idea how to react to this

"At the last challenge, we sort of mouthed the words "I love you" to one another."

"So that was my prize.  My prize was her."

Jeff is just stunned speechless

So is J.P.

Candice is shocked too

Jeff just sits there and tries to recover from this

"I've never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just said."

"And I wanna be respectful, because I don't know what happened."

"But... what would she base feeling the same way that you feel on?"

"I think it's just... love at first sight.   It's just, uh, a, uh, rapport thing."

"So you're absolutely sincere right now?"

"I'm dead serious."

Dead serious

For the first time in thirteen seasons, Jeff honestly doesn't know what to say about this

And, well, that's it.   That pretty much ends the WTF magnificence of the Billy and Candice love story.   Basically what happened is that Billy was looking down in the dumps, Candice tried to cheer him up, and in his fragile and weakened state, he mistook "sympathy" for "genuine interest."  It's the exact same mistake that 13 and 14 year old junior high school boys have been making pretty much since the beginning of time.  The very first time a girl smiles at you in the hallway, you are ready to marry her.


And, yeah.  That's pretty much the end of the Billy Garcia love story.


Actually no.  I take that back.  That's not it.  There is actually one more chapter in the Billy Garcia love story, and it is a scene that a lot of people tend to forget about.  

Here is the epilogue to the Billy and Candice story.  Episode three of Cook Islands.  Cecilia tells Candice what happened.

In my opinion, this is the single funniest scene of the storyline.

Cecilia asks Candice if she and Billy were really in love with each other.

Candice responds with nervous, shocked laughter.   In love with Billy?   What?

"Yeah, he thought you guys were in love.  He said it was a love at first sight thing."

Jonathan hears this and reacts how Jonathan Penner is supposed to react.  

He winds up for the mockery

"No!  I was just trying to cheer him up!  He looked so sad!"

And then comes the Jonathan Penner cherry on top of the sundae.

Penner (off camera):  "You led him on, Candice!  You led him on!!"

Next time... put a ring on it

P.S.  By the way, want more Billy and Candice goodness?  Here is a great writeup by my friend Matt, where he explains where the Billy-Candice storyline might have gone had Billy stayed in the game.  I defy you to read this and not laugh.

Email from Matt:  I think it's a real pity that Billy got voted out as early as he did.  It eliminated what could have been one of the most awesomely awkward recurring subplots in Survivor history.

Episode 2:  Billy proclaims his love for Candice.

Episode 3:  Billy attempts to woo Candice with wildflowers and his karaoke rendition of William Shatner's Rocket Man.

Episode 4:  Billy presents Candice with the 420,000 word epic poem he wrote for her, comparing their love to that of Tom Arnold and a chili dog.

Episode 5:  Billy shows Candice the impromptu tattoo of her name he made on his chest with a fork and some chicken blood. He begins to wonder why she hasn't returned his affections.

Episode 6:  Billy cries because Candice still will not return his affections.  He begins slowly cutting himself with a machete while warbling, "If You Leave Me Now..."

Episode 7:   Probst and Burnett convince Candice to take pity on Billy.  Excited by her returned affections, Billy invites her to his secret place to see his wall of faces.

Episode 8:  Candice has not been seen in 3 days. Billy proclaims his love for Parvati.

P.P.S.  Okay, enough picking on Billy.   Yeah, he had a humiliating ending.   I got it.   But let's not forget the fact that he had some pretty kickass final words afterwards.  In fact, I dare any non-Rudy Survivor to have better final words than these ones:

"I think it's kinda cool that the heavy metal guy is gettin' eliminated by some guy named Ozzy."

P.P.P.S.  Like I wrote in my prologue, there are a lot of people out there who don't believe this entry belongs anywhere on the Funny 115.   In fact, out of all the feedback I got when I was first planning out the Version 2.0 countdown, I have to say that the "Please don't include Billy and Candice" email was among the most popular ones I ever got.  People who don't think this scene is funny -really- don't think it is funny.  As they have told me over and over and over, what happened to Billy wasn't funny at all.  They think it is more sad than funny.  And they don't think I should include it because it would be mean to him.

Well first off, I have two things to say to that argument.  First off, no I don't think it is more sad than funny.  I mean, yeah, it's not exactly the biggest LOL moment on the entire countdown (as some people will claim), but the whole "Candice was my prize" revelation is so bizarre and so unexpected and so random that I don't see how you can leave it off the countdown.  To me, the fact that it is such a memorable Survivor WTF moment pretty much means that it has to be on the Funny 115.  So no, I do not feel that the storyline is more sad than funny at all.  From a pure comedy writing perspective, I totally disagree with that.

Oh, and then there's my second rebuttal to that argument.

My second rebuttal to the "please don't include Billy and Candice" crowd is the fact that, in real life, Billy Garcia was a huge fan of the original Funny 115.  He loved it.  In fact, when I announced I was doing a second one, Billy was the first Survivor alumnus to write me and tell me that he was looking forward to reading his entry.  

So anyway, if you are wondering why I included "Billy loves Candice" over the advice of so many respected Funny 115 readers, there you go.  That should clear up any arguments.   I did it because Billy was looking forward to it, and because I wanted him to know that we love him.

"I love you too, Mario.  Now you are my prize."

Damnit.  I probably shouldn't have walked into that.

P.P.P.P.S.  Wow, four postscripts on one entry!

I really didn't have any more for this writeup after the "I love you Mario" punchline, but Billy Garcia himself commented in the Funny 115 guestbook this afternoon, and now I can't resist.  When an actual Survivor writes you and gives you a picture to use, you kinda have to use it.  

So anyway here you go.  Are you ready for this?  Here is Billy's revenge.  This was taken backstage at the Survivor: Cook Islands finale.  

In the words of Billy Garcia himself:  "ha ha ha ha ha!"

Yeah, I hit it.

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