The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#19.
Billy loves Candice
Cook Islands - episode 2
For
some entries on the Funny 115, the only way to describe them would be
"slapstick." For other entries on the Funny 115, the only way
to
describe them would be "irony." And then for yet even other
entries on the Funny 115, the only way to describe them would be "Coach
things."
"goo."
And
then there is one other special type of entry: The WTF entry.
These are the entries that are based on something that was so
weird, and so inexplicable, and so bizarre, that the first time you saw
it, all you could do was go slack-jawed and just stare at your screen,
thinking "What the f---?" And, well, there you go.
Hence
the name. We call moments like this next one a "WTF entry."
Here is a good example of a WTF picture
The
best thing about a true WTF moment? Well the best thing is
that
it is nearly always funny. Since there is no way to explain
what
just happened, since there is no logical way to describe in rational
terns what you just saw, pretty much all you can do at that point is
just make fun of it. So by definition, a true WTF moment will
pretty much always be a slam dunk shoo-in for a list like the Funny
115. Moments like Billy and Candice are pretty much why the
Funny
115 was invented.
The only bad thing about a WTF moment? Well the only bad
thing is that there really aren't all that many of them.
"Hey, I heard the White Devil tribe has some chick
named Woodcock!"
So anyway, here you go. The truly WTF love story of Billy and
Candice.
Lots
of people told me that this moment was the funniest thing that they had
ever seen on Survivor, and that it needed to be #1 on the Funny 115.
Lots of other people told me that it wasn't funny it all.
They said that it was more sad than funny, and that
it was
mean to even think about including it on the Funny 115.
Do you think it is funny? I guess it will all depend on your
perspective.
For
me, all I care about (and I don't think there is any way you can argue
this) is that this is truly one of the most spectacular WTF moments in
22 seasons of Survivor. Ask any Survivor fan about Cook
Islands,
and what will they remember? They will remember Billy and
Candice. Unless you ask Nate, of course, because he will
mostly
just remember chopping up poop.
But here it is. The tragic
love story of Billy and Candice. Told in all its spectacular
fireball-crashing-to-Earth WTF awkward glory.
I hope you enjoy it. If you didn't enjoy it, oh well.
In that case, ha ha, made you read.
It
is day one of Survivor: Cook Islands, and there is a new
sheriff in town.
He is a heavy metal musician, and his name is Billy Garcia.
Not a stalker
Most
people only remember Billy because of his epic downfall. But
if
you go back and rewatch Cook Islands, you will notice that he actually
does have a pretty good first episode. If for no other reason
than the joke he cracks off in the opening few minutes below:
Billy is paddling to the island with the rest of the East L.A. Tribe,
and he decides to make a joke
"And paddled their way
away
from an island, just so I could have a good life."
"Here I am paddling back to an island."
The high point of Billy's Survivor adventure. This will be
the last time he smiles.
Billy
gets to the island with the rest of tie Aitus, and this is where he
explains what his strategy is going to be for the first couple of days.
"I am going to conserve energy. I am going to let everybody
else do all the work."
Billy conserving energy
The rest of the Aitus notice this, of course. And they offer
a swift rebuttal.
"Billy is conserving energy. We need to throw a
challenge and get rid of him."
The Aitus discuss how Billy needs to go
Saaaaad panda
We
are now about 30 minutes into Survivor: Cook Islands, and Billy has
officially been shunned. There is literally nothing he is
going
to be able to do to become a part of this group. Aitu has
already whittled itself down to a four-person tribe.
"I feel a little bit on the outside some of the time."
"I don't really relate. I don't consider myself Hispanic.
I consider myself heavy metal."
Christina: "That's not true. You are a part of the
group. We love you, Billy."
"Sweet, does that mean we're married now? Do I get to put my
penis inside you?"
By
some odd stroke of luck, Billy survives the first episode.
But he
isn't going to be so lucky in the second episode. Because the
minute the second episode hits, the Aitus decide that it is time to get
rid of him.
And then Ozzy spells it out for us in plain English.
"We are going to throw the immunity challenge. Billy has to
get out of here."
Saaaaad panda
So
the episode two immunity challenge comes around. And sure
enough, the Aitus throw it. They throw it very blatantly.
Ozzy smirking as he throws the challenge
Ozzy knocking Billy into the water on purpose
"Nice job, Aitu. You lost by 52 minutes."
"Way to put forth an effort, dipshits."
Saaaad panda
Up
to this point in the game, Billy has pretty much been shunned,
neglected, mocked, and ignored. He has no friends anywhere
around
him. He is a complete outcast on his own tribe.
He is also well aware that the Aitus just threw a challenge just to get
rid of him.
It is a very low time for him.
Candice notices Billy looking sad and depressed. And... being
a nice person... she tries to keep his spirits up.
She says, while nudging him with her elbow
Billy sees a friend for the first time in the game
Candice sees the sad, pathetic look on his face, and she says the only
thing she can think of that will keep his spirits up.
Billy, of course, in his fragile state, hears "We love you" and
misinterprets it as "I love you."
And what is the one thing you tell someone after they say that they
love you?
Bedroom eyes
Nailed it
This
whole conversation was little more than a minor exchange
between
two minor characters at the end of an insignificant immunity challenge.
And it is doubtful that anyone but Parvati and CGI Brett even
overheard it when it happened. But it will become big a few
hours
later when Billy winds up at Tribal Council. Just
wait.
You'll see.
This is where the WTF part of this entry comes in.
It
is a few hours later, and Aitu is now at Tribal Council. Jeff
Probst is asking Billy what happened during the challenge today.
"They threw it to get rid of me."
"You believe they threw the challenge?"
"I know they threw the challenge."
Billy stutters and stammers and tries to explain how hurt he was by the
whole debacle...
... and that's when he enters in the amazing spectacular land
of WTF world.
Seriously,
listen to what Billy says, and watch the completely serious shocked
reaction on Jeff's face. Probst wouldn't have been more
surprised
if Billy had confessed to assassinating Lincoln.
"I'm playing the game, Jeff That's what I came here to do."
"But my prize isn't even the million dollars. My prize is...
I fell in love in this game."
"Love at first sight."
Sphincter says what?
"... her name is Candice."
And the money shot
The women hear this and immediately bust up
Jeff is practically speechless. "...... Candice??
From Raro tribe??"
"Yeah."
Jeff has no idea how to react to this
"At the last challenge, we sort of mouthed the words "I love you" to
one another."
"So that was my prize. My prize was her."
Jeff is just stunned speechless
So is J.P.
Candice is shocked too
Jeff just sits there and tries to recover from this
"I've never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just
said."
"And I wanna be respectful, because I don't know what happened."
"But... what would she base feeling the same way that you feel on?"
"I think it's just... love at first sight. It's just, uh, a,
uh, rapport thing."
"So you're absolutely sincere right now?"
"I'm dead serious."
Dead serious
For the first time in thirteen seasons, Jeff honestly doesn't know what
to say about this
And,
well, that's it. That pretty much ends the WTF magnificence
of
the Billy and Candice love story. Basically what happened is
that Billy was looking down in the dumps, Candice tried to cheer him
up, and in his fragile and weakened state, he mistook "sympathy" for
"genuine interest." It's the exact same mistake that 13 and
14
year old junior high school boys have been making pretty much since the
beginning of time. The very first time a girl smiles at you
in
the hallway, you are ready to marry her.
Cocktease
And, yeah. That's pretty much the end of the Billy Garcia
love story.
*smuff*
Actually
no. I take that back. That's not it.
There is
actually one more chapter in the Billy Garcia love story, and it is a
scene that a lot of people tend to forget about.
Here is
the epilogue to the Billy and Candice story. Episode three of
Cook Islands. Cecilia tells Candice what happened.
In my opinion, this is the single funniest scene of the storyline.
Cecilia asks Candice if she and Billy were really in love with each
other.
Candice responds with nervous, shocked laughter. In love
with Billy? What?
"Yeah, he thought you guys were in love. He said it was a
love at first sight thing."
Jonathan hears this and reacts how Jonathan Penner is supposed to
react.
He winds up for the mockery
"No! I was just trying to cheer him up! He looked
so sad!"
And then comes the Jonathan Penner cherry on top of the sundae.
Penner (off camera): "You led him on, Candice! You
led him on!!"
Next time... put a ring on it
P.S.
By the way, want more Billy and Candice goodness?
Here is a
great writeup by my friend Matt, where he explains where the
Billy-Candice storyline might have gone had Billy stayed in the game.
I defy you to read this and not laugh.
Email from Matt:
I think it's a real pity that Billy got voted out as early as
he
did. It eliminated what could have been one of the most
awesomely
awkward recurring subplots in Survivor history.
Episode 2: Billy proclaims his love for Candice.
Episode 3: Billy attempts to woo Candice with wildflowers and
his karaoke rendition of William Shatner's Rocket Man.
Episode
4: Billy presents Candice with the 420,000 word epic poem he
wrote for her, comparing their love to that of Tom Arnold and a chili
dog.
Episode 5: Billy shows Candice the impromptu tattoo
of her name he made on his chest with a fork and some chicken blood. He
begins to wonder why she hasn't returned his affections.
Episode
6: Billy cries because Candice still will not return his
affections. He begins slowly cutting himself with a machete
while
warbling, "If You Leave Me Now..."
Episode 7: Probst and
Burnett convince Candice to take pity on Billy. Excited by
her
returned affections, Billy invites her to his secret place to see his
wall of faces.
Episode 8: Candice has not been seen in 3 days. Billy
proclaims his love for Parvati.
P.P.S.
Okay, enough picking on Billy. Yeah, he had a
humiliating
ending. I got it. But let's not forget the fact
that he
had some pretty kickass final words afterwards. In fact, I
dare
any non-Rudy Survivor to have better final words than these ones:
"I think it's kinda cool that the heavy metal guy is gettin' eliminated
by some guy named Ozzy."
P.P.P.S.
Like I wrote in my prologue, there are a lot of people out
there
who don't believe this entry belongs anywhere on the Funny 115.
In fact, out of all the feedback I got when I was first planning out
the Version 2.0 countdown, I have to say that the "Please don't include
Billy and Candice" email was among the most popular ones I ever got.
People who don't think this scene is funny -really- don't
think
it is funny. As they have told me over and over and over,
what
happened to Billy wasn't funny at all. They think it is more
sad
than funny. And they don't think I should include it because
it
would be mean to him.
Well first off, I have two things to say
to that argument. First off, no I don't think it is more sad
than
funny. I mean, yeah, it's not exactly the biggest LOL moment
on
the entire countdown (as some people will claim), but the whole
"Candice was my prize" revelation is so bizarre and so unexpected and
so random that I don't see how you can leave it off the countdown.
To me, the fact that it is such a memorable Survivor WTF
moment
pretty much means that it
has
to be on the Funny 115. So no, I do not feel that the
storyline
is more sad than funny at all. From a pure comedy writing
perspective, I totally disagree with that.
Oh, and then there's my second rebuttal to that argument.
My
second rebuttal to the "please don't include Billy and Candice" crowd
is the fact that, in real life, Billy Garcia was a huge fan of the
original Funny 115. He loved it. In fact, when
I announced I was doing a second one, Billy was the first
Survivor
alumnus to write me and tell me that he was looking forward to reading
his entry.
So anyway, if you are wondering why I
included "Billy loves Candice" over the advice of so many respected
Funny 115 readers, there you go. That should clear up any
arguments. I did it because Billy was looking forward
to it, and because I wanted him to know that we love him.
"I love you too, Mario. Now you are my prize."
Damnit. I probably shouldn't have walked into that.
P.P.P.P.S. Wow, four postscripts on one entry!
I
really didn't have any more for this writeup after the "I love
you
Mario" punchline, but Billy Garcia himself commented in the Funny 115
guestbook this afternoon, and now I can't resist. When an
actual
Survivor writes you and gives you a picture to use, you kinda have to
use it.
So anyway here you go. Are you ready for
this? Here is Billy's revenge. This was taken
backstage at
the Survivor: Cook Islands finale.
In the words of Billy Garcia himself: "ha ha ha ha
ha!"
Yeah, I hit it.
