1. Coach

The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#1. Coach
...is better than you

12. Coach's random catchphrases and cliches he likes to spew out in the middle of a Tribal Council response. And the great WTF faces that he always gets when he drops one on somebody.

Here is an email from the guy who sends me my Funny 115 gifs, Salarakas:

"One of my all time fave Coach moments is during the tribal council in ep7 of HvsV. First, Sandra basically says that the tribe is divided and that a lot of different names have been discussed.

Probst: If Sandra's right, is that indicative of a tribe in trouble?
Coach: At the dawn of every morning, hope springs eternal.

That's just 100% Coach. Had I been there, I would've just burst out laughing too. How could you take anyone seriously that says something like this after a dead serious build-up?

It's okay, Jeff. Hope springs eternal.

Here is another great example of Coach busting out a random Biblical reference in the middle of a Tribal Council response. I love the looks on Sierra and Stephen's faces when he does this. Coach is the best at drawing looks like this from people.

"It's okay Jeff. I forgive Sierra."

"Because I really felt that verse come to me..."

"Where Stephen says in the temple where he's being stoned to death."

"And his last words are God, forgive them because they know not what they do."

WTF?

Aroo?

11. The famous "You better believe it baby! Draaaaaagon Slaaaaaayer!" scene

You knew I was going to write about this one. Of course you did. This is one of the all time best "I'm Coach and I'm very important" moments.

I actually got a bunch of comments where people requested I include this scene in this entry. Here are my two favorites.

From an anonymous comment in my guestbook
-Coach as he's winning immunity with the table maze: "You better believe it baby! Draaaaaagon Slaaaaaayer!!!!"
cut to five minutes later back at camp
-Coach: "Hey JT! Did you hear me yell Dragon Slayer?!"
-J.T. (unenthused and not caring): "Yeah"

From a guy named Frank in my guestbook:
After he wins his first individual immunity in Tocantins he yells "DRAGON SLAYER!!!", and then later asks JT if he heard him say it. Yes Coach, we heard you lol

I love this scene. Here it is.

Coach is about to win his very first Survivor immunity

Coach is a god in Nepal

Coach figures out the ball maze faster than J.T. does

Uh oh. Wait for it...

"You better believe it, baby!"

"Dragon!"

"Slayer!"

And we finish with the punch

Booya!

I love that Coach is still hulking up when Jeff puts the necklace on him

Side note: There are hundreds of little Coach things that are hilarious if you are lucky enough to catch them in a rewatch, but here is a random favorite I just stumbled upon when I was getting the pictures for this entry. Want a funny little random Coach picture?

Here is Probst struggling to get the immunity necklace on him because Coach is too busy doing all his bowing and celebrating shit.

Um Coach? Could you maybe lean back a little bit? Like a normal person?

Okay and here is the famous scene five minutes later back at camp that everyone wrote me about.

J.T.: "That was a good win today."

J.T. (not caring at all): "Yeah."

10. Coach gets mad if you compare him to Phillip

Former celebrity in Honduras (?)

Have you ever heard the argument that Coach and Former Federal Agent (?) Phillip Sheppard are just the exact same character? Well Coach takes offense to that comment. In fact, he will come right out and rebut it.

Here is another great actual Coach quote from an actual interview.

QUESTION: I have to ask you about Phillip. Everyone has an opinion about him. Some people think he's a poor man's Coach, just trying to copy you. Do you enjoy Phillip? What's his deal?

COACH: Yeah, he's cool. You know, they're out there doing their thing. If the media draws parallels between the two of us, that's fine. But the stuff that he says to people at camp, is stuff that I would never say. You know, like, "What??" And this is just being honest . . . I think that one on one confessionals, and this is just me, but nobody can touch Coach. I mean, the stuff that I come out with in the confessionals, the quotes that I come out with, the way that I speak is unrivaled.

Thanks again Coach. Always love your interviews.

Coach is a warlord in Denmark

9. Coach has no problem shitting on thirteen centuries of Japanese history

This one is great. Here is another example of Brendan mocking something that Coach has said about himself.

The first samurai

"We were talkin' about it the other day, and he's like "I kind of started the samurai thing."

"And I was like, started the samurai thing?"

"Like, they've been doin' it for like thousands of years in Japan."

"And Johnny Depp's been doin' it for like twenty years here."

"You didn't start anything."

Wade also started the cowboy thing

8. The eagle screech (and other sound effects/editing jokes)

Now unfortunately this is something I just can't do justice to in a writeup. You will just have to rewatch Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains for yourself to see what I am talking about. And, well, since Salarakas already wrote it up pretty well in an email, I will let him explain it for you.

From Salarakas:
The editors sure had a lot of fun with Coach. A few times in Tocantins, they would throw in his over the top scream that, unless you had the volume really low or just weren't paying attention, everyone in the world could tell was spliced in from some other scene. And after he had voted for Parvati to win the game in Heroes vs Villains, he said"King Arthur's journey has officially ended" followed by the editors inserting an eagle cry

Casting his final vote for Parvati

"King Arthur's journey has officially ended."

*eagle screech*

The over the top scream is one thing (and they did use it a lot), but Coach's distinctive "eagle screech" sound effect is the real gift here. If you ever go back and watch Tocantins or Heroes vs Villains,, try to count how many times the editors throw in an eagle screech right after he says something. I know I counted at least three of them, but there could have been a fourth and I might have missed it. And then of course, as Salarakas said, there is the famous eagle screech right after he votes for Parvati and he bows his head. To me that is the funniest of them all.

Salarakas is right. The editors sure did love Coach. They had so much fun with him. They did something with a sound effect or some sort of unintentional irony joke or they did their best to make him look silly (see pictures below) in just about every scene he was ever in in Tocantins or Heroes vs Villains.

Coach's mouth. Ew.

No, ew, I will not make out with you.

I am noble and honorable and invincible and unbreakable and holy fuck she's on my lap look at those tits!

The famous yell they loved to splice into other Coach scenes

By the way, here is the exact eagle screech if you want to hear what I am talking about. A reader of mine made this Coach tribute video on Youtube and he threw in the eagle screech at the very end.

That's how you know this video is Coach Wade approved.

That eagle screech at the end is your assurance of quality.

*eagle screech*

7. The fact that Coach will consistently misquote historical figures

Okay now this one is great. You could write an entire entry based around the number of times Coach has misquoted historical figures. Or the number of times he has taken their quotes and used them out of context for his own benefit.

As my friend Mark Polishuk writes,

"Coach is great because he makes no shortage of bizarre references and quotations in an attempt to make himself sound smart. Coach's allusions ranged from Pat Benatar to Marcus Aurelius to Friedrich Nietzsche."

"As Vasco da Gama once said, suck my dick I'm the motherfucking Dragon Slayer."

Here is more on this from a reader named Logan Saunders:

"I was thinking about Coach and his constant quoting of others. It reminds me of when Michael Scott opens his own paper company and he has a quote written on the board:

"You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretzky.
-Michael Scott.

I just think it would be a very Coach thing to do if he were a teacher. Either that or it is probably written on the chalkboard in his soccer coaching office."

"John Lennon once said that to be the greatest, you have to destroy Brendan. And then you have to have sex with his skull."

But the all time best Coach misquote of a historical figure comes (I know I'm cheating again) from South Pacific. Want to hear the single greatest misquote in Survivor history? Yes, even better than John Palyok claiming over and over that ember was amber? Or Russell claiming that he deserved to win?

Well here you go.

Check out this little piece of amazing Coachitude.

From a comment in my guestbook:
"I accidentally found out something interesting. Last night (on Survivor: South Pacific) Coach told us that Marcus Aurelius said “Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."

I was going to make some wisecrack about people are often inspired by perspiration as well, although it was usually just to move farther away from whomever it was that was sweating. But before I did that I wanted to look up how to spell “Aurelius.”

So I googled Coach’s quote and it turns out that it was actually said by a guy named Comer Cottrell.

Now I’m sure that you all know who Comer Cottrell is and I’m sure that you’ve all used his products many times over the years, but in case it’s not ringing a bell with you, he’s the guy who invented “Jheri curl.” I’m not making that up. Coach quoted the guy who invented the most famous Afro hair care product ever and he attributed it to Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.

I’m not sure who should be the most upset here; Comer Cottrell for having someone give credit for his quote to someone else, Marcus Aurelius for not getting the money that Comer Cottrell made off of Jheri Curl, or the American People for being duped by Coach.

The real question is did Coach know who he was quoting and did he credit the wrong guy on purpose to sound cooler? Or maybe the real question is who names their kid “Comer”?

Ha ha. God bless whoever put Coach on Survivor. And God bless whoever takes the time to look these things up and write to me about them. I love you guys.

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius

6. The story behind how Coach the hypocrite accidentally got himself voted out

Oh man. You could write a book based around all the times Coach was made to look like a hypocrite by the editors. Or how he was made to look like a hypocrite by himself. But if you want probably the greatest example of the famous Coach hypocrisy, here you go.

This is from a reader named Constantinople at Survivor Sucks:

"Of course Coach is a hypocrite. In related news, scientists are reporting that the Sun will rise in the East.

In HvV he made competing promises to Boston Rob & Russell. Then, Coach insists that Sandra and Courtney sit out the next Reward Challenge after Rob is booted, thereby forcing the Villains to field their weakest team for the immunity challenge (which they lost). This of course culminated with Coach getting himself voted out.

And why did "There is No I in Coach" insist on doing this?

Because the Reward Challenge was for pizza."

Mmmmm, pizza

I can has pizza?

A reader named Ryan also pointed this out to me:

"I hope you include the fact that Coach made a call that made the villains lose immunity the episode he got voted out. He wanted the reward (pizza) so bad that he made Courtney/Sandra sit out. So when it came time for immunity challenge they were forced to participate. They lost pretty embarrassingly. Then Coach was voted out."

As Nicolaus Copernicus once said, "Round Table thin crust is the best, yum yum gimme some!"

*smuff*

From a reader named Adam Patterson:
"Yeah, Coach may have looked like a massive hypocrite with the pizza incident and it got himself voted out, but at least it was worth it and he enjoyed some pizza. Oh wait, his tribe lost, right. Ah, never mind."

5. The famous weatherman scene

Okay now this scene is so funny (and so perfect) that I thought I would just put it here and recap it in its entirety. It's possible that there has never been a more perfect Coach scene than this one.

Oh and be sure to stick around for the awesome punchline at the end. :)

This is from episode five of Tocantins.

Coach notices that the wind is changing and that a storm is coming

A storm

Coach consults his internal doppler radar and assesses the threat

"Hey you guys, feel the breeze shift?"

"I've noticed that the wind blows this way, predominantly."

"But when there's a storm coming, it switches directions and turns this way."

"But it doesn't look too crazy because it looks like the clouds are breaking up on the horizon."

Huh

Since Coach is apparently a weatherman, Debbie asks a very logical question.

Sure enough, ten minutes later?

You knew it was coming.

Downpour

Timbira is stuck inside their shelter because the storm didn't quite miss them

Huh

Thanks Coach

Thanks Coach

Coach: "You know guys, this reminds me of a Hans-Georg Gadamer quote."
Timbira: "Shut up."

Coach is a fortune teller in Alaska

And yes. I promised you a punchline.

"Coach is kind of a jackass"

"He's been running his mouth about the weather at camp."

"I think Coach really truly wants to be this, like, Survivor Man."

"I would not be surprised if when this game is all said and done."

Coach said, "Gotcha! I'm an accountant! I've never left Nebraska."

4. The fact that he showed Jeff Probst up at the reunion show

Here is yet another great Coach moment.

Don't ever forget that he is, above all else, a showman.

I can't imagine that even Coach haters wouldn't have loved this scene. This is one of the greatest Survivor reunion show moments ever.

It is the Tocantins reunion show, and Coach is taking a beating from Probst and from the editors

Sierra laughs at him

Erinn rolls her eyes at him

Probst pretty much just laughs at him and calls him a liar

Oh I'm sorry Jeff. You call me a liar? You say my stories aren't true?

Well guess what. I went out and I took a lie detector test.

Holy shit!

Dragon Slayer! Booyah!

I believe this will prove once and for all that everything I have said about myself is true

Care to read it?

So Probst gets the lie detector results (which he was not expecting at all - this was a total blindside), and he reads hem aloud on the air.

Oh my God, here we go. Did Coach go on a kayak trip down the Amazon and was he captured by natives?

The answer is yes.

And that, my friends, is how you show up the host of Survivor

You better believe it baby! Dragon! Slayer!

3. The famous conducting scene

More trumpets! MORE POWER!

Here is an email from a reader named Lexxan:

"I hope the entire music conducting scene makes it into the entry. Coach directing Tchaikovsky, waving his baton and imitating the music, while the other Timbiras just gaze in utter disbelief (this while we also hear that particular piece of classical music) in the background contains all the reasons why Coach is (or rather: can be) a funny character. It contains bravado, it contains cultural refinement only Coach gets, it contains Coach getting absorbed by his cultural education/passions, it contains Coach being completely misunderstood by others and it contains people slamming/mocking Coach's entire persona without Coach even realizing it.

In other words, it is the perfect Coach scene."

Coach conducting a symphony

Hear that music?

Who is this jackass?

Unfortunately I can't do justice to the goofiness of the conducting scene in a writeup. It is just too funny. If you want the full experience of it you are just going to have to watch it and experience it for yourself.

All I can say is watch the video and then read this email from a reader named Salarakas:

"I think the funniest thing about that scene is the fact that the editors added the actual music in the background. You can tell that they were having a blast with it."

For the brass section!

2. The Martin Luther King quote

Okay now this one just absolutely slays me. There is no way I can write about this scene without laughing as I am writing it. In fact just grabbing the pictures for it alone made me laugh so hard that I actually gave myself a stomachache. So thank you Coach and thank you Funny 115. I actually physically injured myself writing this entry.

This is episode three of Heroes vs Villains. Randy is going to be voted out at Tribal Council.

And Coach is... well, Coach is not all that happy about it.

Poor Randy. Guess that alcoholism will get ya.

Coach is bummed that his friend Randy is going to be the target at Tribal Council tonight

So he lapses into a speech that will go down in the history books.

"There's nobody out here that's honorable."

"There's nobody here that's honorable anymore."

"Except for me."

Thanks Coach.

But wait, there's more!

"I hate to pontificate about that, but..."

I hate to pontificate about this, but I think I will pontificate about this.

And here it comes...

"You know, Martin Luther King says that the greatest measure of a man is not in the way he handles times of comfort..."

"But in the way he rises with controversy and challenge."

"There's always hope."

Yes, hope springs eternal. You told us. We already got that.

"The last thing we have in life or in this game is hope."

"That the impossible happens. That we dare to dream."

"That Randy's gonna wake up in this camp tomorrow."

"So yes there's still hope."

"While I still have a breath. And a brain cell in this brain. I will fight for him."

Ha ha. I love it.

Oh, and why do I love it?

Well let me just throw you some comments from people at Survivor Sucks and maybe you will see the humor in this quote. These are all comments that were posted within one hour of the famous Randy Bailey/Martin Luther King quote from Heroes vs Villains airing on TV.

After you read these, there is no way you can ever watch this scene again and not burst out laughing.

from smellofawoman:
"I'm glad he finds Survivor as important as the Civil Rights Movement. So inspiring."

from co-coach:
"Coach's tears tonight will dragonslay the heart of America. In one hour he'll change the world more than MLK could ever hope to."

from irootforthegayguy:
"SURVIVOR ALWAYS NEEDED MORE MLK JR IN IT <3"

And yes, here is the topper. You will never be able to watch this scene the same way again after reading this last quote.

Ready for it?

from craig:
"Huge laugh at Coach. Invoking MLK in hope that middle aged white males can dominate yet another season. Coach, the guy who targeted the strong black woman first in S18."

Biiiiiiiiitch!

Yep. And there you go.

If you were ever wondering why Coach wound up as the #1 entry on the Funny 115 (and why it was never even close), it is for reasons like this.

He invoked Martin Luther King to explain why middle aged white guys should go far on a reality show.

Thank you Coach. Thank you for just being you.

Um, that's not what I was talking about you dumb cracker.

1. Coach's Trip to Exile Island

You know I had to end with this, didn't you? I mean, there was no way I could write the Funny 115 without finishing with the single greatest (and most unintentionally hilarious) scene in Survivor history. And yes I might even rank this one over dead grandma.

Relax Jon. I said "might."

Anyway, so now we finally come to the conclusion of the Funny 115. We come to the single greatest scene involving the single greatest character in Survivor history.

This is a scene that was so highly requested that I knew almost from day one that the entire countdown was going to turn into one big Coach tribute. There was just no way around it. There was just so much to write about.

In any case, here is my favorite email request of them all, from a friend of mine (and fellow Survivor fan) named Mark Polishuk:

"The absolute best thing about Coach was in his boot episode. Remember that? His whining attempt to get out of being sent to Exile Island. And then when he was sent, he decided to be a martyr and see the experience as a 'vision quest' and not eat, make fire, etc. (In all likelihood, this was because he was incapable of finding food or making a fire, even after over a month out in the wild.) When Coach returned to the game and competed in an endurance-based immunity challenge, he hung on until Taj mentioned that his back must be hurting him, thus giving Coach the out to quit. Of course, he didn't just quit. In true Coach fashion, he fell to the ground in a dramatic collapse. Coach also turned down Probst's offer of a checkup from the Survivor medical staff, obviously because his drama queen ass would've been found out. How can you not love this guy?"

"Um, I don't love him."

And so here we go. Are you ready for this?

We finish the Funny 115 with Coach's trip to Exile Island, and his subsequent loss in his final immunity challenge ("goo!"). Which, and I honestly don't think I am exaggerating here, might be the single greatest episode of Survivor in twenty three seasons. This whole episode was so epic, and so ridiculous, and was so unintentionally funny, that you might as well call it "the episode that inspired Mario to come out of retirement and write a Funny 115 sequel."

Rrrrrrrrrrr

And now. A moment of silence.

Because it is time for Coach Wade to go on his vision quest.

With Brett

It is the thirteenth episode of Survivor: Tocantins, and the Forza tribe is down to the final five.

The final five

And you know that guy who we like to call the Dragon Slayer? You know that guy who gets stronger and stronger and stronger every day? And who is impervious to pain and suffering and is the greatest and most noble warrior in the history of the universe?

Yeah, you know this guy?

"I'm different than most people."

"One of a kind."

"Last of the Mohicans."

"King Arthur."

":Legend."

Yeah well you know what Mister King Arthur McLegendson is scared of as we get to the final five in Survivor: Tocantins?

Yes. The most noble warrior in the history of Valhalla is petrified that J.T. might send him to Exile Island today.

Sad face

As episode thirteen opens, we see Coach already lobbying J.T. to please not send him to Exile Island today.

Hmm. So let's see here. There are five players left in the game, two of them are girls, and Stephen and J.T. don't feel right sending any of the girls to Exile Island anymore.

Hmm, I wonder who that leaves left as a possible candidate?

Oh crap. I wet 'em.

Yep that means you are going to Exile Island, Coach.

Which means... you guessed it.

Bring on the litany of health ailments!

"Man, my lungs feel like. You know, that feeling. I feel like I scarred my lungs yesterday."

"And my lungs feel like I smoked 20 cigars in a row yesterday, and I inhaled all of 'em."

Coach sits down for a confessional and he explains to us how the asthma we have never heard about once all season has suddenly started to flare up. And how now he is near death.