The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#28.
Crystal wins the hell out of the game
Gabon - all season long
"Hi, my name is Crystal Cox. I am a 2004 Olympic gold
medalist, in the women's 4 x 400 meter relay."
"I am going to use my blazing speed... to win the
hell out of this
game."
Oh, really?
Well let's just take a look at the story
of Crystal Cox, Olympic Gold Medalist, and world class elite athlete.
Did she wind up "winning the hell out of the game"?
Did she
dominate the game with her speed like it has never been dominated
before? No, I'm afraid not. In fact, quite the
opposite.
Crystal Cox-- Olympic champion, ironic as it might be-- might
have pulled off the single most pathetic athletic performance in the
first twenty seasons of Survivor.
And yes that is even including Sandra.
"Hey, don't bring me into this shit. I didn't win no fuckin'
medal."
Okay
okay, sorry Sandra. Fair enough. No, you didn't win
an
Olympic gold medal. But Crystal did. She is one of
the most
elite athletes the world of Survivor has ever seen. She also
promised us she would win "the hell out of the game."
How did she manage to fail at this?
Ah yes... let us count the ways.
Episode 1: Crystal fails at running
Episode 1: Crystal fails at climbing. She even
loses to Gillian.
Episode 1: Crystal fails at digging
Episode 3: Crystal fails at waterslides
Episode 4: Crystal fails at paddling...
... and moving...
... and defending.
*whine*
Episode 5: Despite being nine feet tall, Crystal fails at
whacking fruit out of the air
Episode 6: Crystal fails at strength and endurance
Episode 6: Crystal fails at knots
Episode 6: Crystal crashes into Ace with a set of puzzle
pieces because she fails to unclip
Episode 7: Crystal fails at being in position to catch
Episode 7: Crystal fails at balance
Episode 8: Not only does Crystal fail at holding a pole in
the air, she also fails at lasting more than one second
Episode
9: This one isn't really her fault, but it does mark nine
losses
in a row. So she fails at statistical probability.
Episode 9: Crystal fails at fire
Episode
10: Aside from Bob (who was sent to Exile), Crystal is the
only
player to win nothing in the food auction. Yes, that's
right.
Crystal fails at free food giveaways.
Episode 10: Crystal fails at balance again. Now
she's even starting to fail at originality.
Recap episode: Crystal fails at the look of seduction
Episode 12: My personal favorite. Crystal fails at
rock-paper-scissors.
Episode 12: Surprisingly, this is the first time all season
that Crystal fails at puzzles
Episode 12: Crystal fails at proper ergonomic hugging
technique
Episode 13: Crystal fails at staying on the course in a rope
maze
And
now, finally, (finally!) we come to the coup de grace. The
ultimate "Crystal fails at Survivor" moment. After all the
ones
we have seen so far, there is still one that is going to top
them
all.
Ready for it?
Episode 13: Crystal fails at free throws. She
doesn't make a single one of her shots.
After
the free throw challenge, of course, she is frustrated.
Crystal
Cox is frustrated that she has put in such a miserable physical
performance in Survivor: Gabon. We are now thirteen episodes
in,
and she has pulled off arguably the single worst non-Sandra challenge
history in twenty seasons of Survivor.
She is frustrated. She is mad. And she is
embarrassed about it.
And what does she decide to do about this frustration?
Why she is going to do a slam dunk, of course!
Crystal takes her ball and she takes a running start towards her five
foot kiddie hoop
Air Crystal goes up...
... and...
Fail
That's right. Six foot tall Crystal Cox just missed
a dunk on a five foot hoop.
Without
question, The Legend (?) of Crystal Cox was easily one of the most
highly requested entries on the Funny 115. Nearly every
single
person who wrote me with nominations asked me to consider it.
And,
well, you know, instead of me summarizing the legend of Crystal, I'll
just let Kitty Pryde1 from Survivor Sucks summarize. After
all,
she is the one who has been championing this entry for the
past
eight months. She can wrap this up a lot better than I can:
"Crystal
has one of the best Survivor storylines ever. The Olympic
athlete
who loses EVERY challenge (save for two), including rock, paper,
scissors, a food auction, and then slam dunking a ball when she's
taller than the hoop... I mean, seriously... a 6 foot tall Olympic
athlete failed to dunk on a 5 foot tall basket.
That's
hilariawesome."
I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you Kitty.
And thank you Crystal.
"Hi, my name is Crystal Cox. I am a 2004 Olympic gold
medalist, in the women's 4 x 400 meter relay."
"And I did not
win the hell out of Survivor."
P.S.
But wait, there's more! Want to see the spectacular
ending
to the "Crystal fails at Survivor" storyline? Want to see how
this story arc resolves itself naturally? Well here you go.
Read it and weep.
Crystal fails at voting for the winner
