The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#28.   Crystal wins the hell out of the game
Gabon - all season long

"Hi, my name is Crystal Cox.  I am a 2004 Olympic gold medalist, in the women's 4 x 400 meter relay."

"I am going to use my blazing speed... to win the hell out of this game."

Oh, really?

Well let's just take a look at the story of Crystal Cox, Olympic Gold Medalist, and world class elite athlete.  Did she wind up "winning the hell out of the game"?  Did she dominate the game with her speed like it has never been dominated before?  No, I'm afraid not.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Crystal Cox-- Olympic champion, ironic as it might be-- might have pulled off the single most pathetic athletic performance in the first twenty seasons of Survivor.

And yes that is even including Sandra.

"Hey, don't bring me into this shit.  I didn't win no fuckin' medal."

Okay okay, sorry Sandra.  Fair enough.  No, you didn't win an Olympic gold medal.  But Crystal did.  She is one of the most elite athletes the world of Survivor has ever seen.  She also promised us she would win "the hell out of the game."

How did she manage to fail at this?

Ah yes... let us count the ways.

Episode 1:  Crystal fails at running

Episode 1:  Crystal fails at climbing.  She even loses to Gillian.

Episode 1:  Crystal fails at digging

Episode 3:  Crystal fails at waterslides

Episode 4:  Crystal fails at paddling...

... and moving...

... and defending.


Episode 5:  Despite being nine feet tall, Crystal fails at whacking fruit out of the air

Episode 6:  Crystal fails at strength and endurance

Episode 6:  Crystal fails at knots

Episode 6:  Crystal crashes into Ace with a set of puzzle pieces because she fails to unclip

Episode 7:  Crystal fails at being in position to catch

Episode 7:  Crystal fails at balance

Episode 8:  Not only does Crystal fail at holding a pole in the air, she also fails at lasting more than one second

Episode 9:  This one isn't really her fault, but it does mark nine losses in a row.  So she fails at statistical probability.

Episode 9:  Crystal fails at fire

Episode 10:  Aside from Bob (who was sent to Exile), Crystal is the only player to win nothing in the food auction.   Yes, that's right.  Crystal fails at free food giveaways.

Episode 10:  Crystal fails at balance again.  Now she's even starting to fail at originality.

Recap episode:  Crystal fails at the look of seduction

Episode 12:  My personal favorite.  Crystal fails at rock-paper-scissors.

Episode 12:  Surprisingly, this is the first time all season that Crystal fails at puzzles

Episode 12:  Crystal fails at proper ergonomic hugging technique

Episode 13:   Crystal fails at staying on the course in a rope maze

And now, finally, (finally!) we come to the coup de grace.  The ultimate "Crystal fails at Survivor" moment.  After all the ones we have seen so far, there is still one that is going to top them all.

Ready for it?

Episode 13:   Crystal fails at free throws.  She doesn't make a single one of her shots.

After the free throw challenge, of course, she is frustrated.  Crystal Cox is frustrated that she has put in such a miserable physical performance in Survivor: Gabon.  We are now thirteen episodes in, and she has pulled off arguably the single worst non-Sandra challenge history in twenty seasons of Survivor.

She is frustrated.  She is mad.  And she is embarrassed about it.

And what does she decide to do about this frustration?

Why she is going to do a slam dunk, of course!

Crystal takes her ball and she takes a running start towards her five foot kiddie hoop

Air Crystal goes up...

... and...


That's right.  Six foot tall Crystal Cox just missed a dunk on a five foot hoop.

Without question, The Legend (?) of Crystal Cox was easily one of the most highly requested entries on the Funny 115.  Nearly every single person who wrote me with nominations asked me to consider it.  

And, well, you know, instead of me summarizing the legend of Crystal, I'll just let Kitty Pryde1 from Survivor Sucks summarize.  After all, she is the one who has been championing this entry for the past eight months.  She can wrap this up a lot better than I can:

"Crystal has one of the best Survivor storylines ever.  The Olympic athlete who loses EVERY challenge (save for two), including rock, paper, scissors, a food auction, and then slam dunking a ball when she's taller than the hoop... I mean, seriously... a 6 foot tall Olympic athlete failed to dunk on a 5 foot tall basket.  That's hilariawesome."

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Thank you Kitty.  And thank you Crystal.

"Hi, my name is Crystal Cox.  I am a 2004 Olympic gold medalist, in the women's 4 x 400 meter relay."

"And I did not win the hell out of Survivor."

P.S.  But wait, there's more!  Want to see the spectacular ending to the "Crystal fails at Survivor" storyline?  Want to see how this story arc resolves itself naturally?   Well here you go.  Read it and weep.

Crystal fails at voting for the winner

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