The Funny 115 - version 2.0



#27.  The world's longest tiebreaker
Cook Islands - episode 15






It's the fifteenth episode of Survivor: Cook Islands, and the final four players left in the game are facing a pivotal vote tonight.






The Cook Islands final four.





Who should they vote out tonight at Tribal Council?  Should they vote out Yul, the master politician?   Or what about Becky, the queen of excitement?  Or what about Sundra, the other one?  Who should be the person to go home on the very last day before the million dollar vote?






Sundra looks worried





Yul looks confident






Becky makes the one Becky face





In the end, the Aitutongas decide that they are going to split the vote, 2-2.   Two votes wind up going to Becky, two to Sundra.  After 38 days of Survivor, we are going to have a tie.







Vote 1:  Becky




Becky reacts with outrage





Vote 2:  Sundra





Sundra reacts with concern




Vote 3:  Becky





Becky drops an f bomb





And finally... vote number 4... Sundra.  We have ourselves a 2-2 tie.




Sundra just smiles






Now, according to the rules of Survivor, when you have a 2-2 at the final four, what happens next is that you are forced to compete in a tiebreaker.  Since this vote is always going to be deadlocked at 2, there is no point in having a revote and forcing Sundra and Becky to argue their case and go through this whole redundant process again.

Nope, when the vote is tied 2-2 at the final four, that means it is time for a tiebreaker.

And today's tiebreaker challenge is...?







"Firemaking"






That's right.  If Sundra or Becky want to stay alive and fight for a million dollars tomorrow, first they are going to have to win a firemaking challenge.  Right here, right now, at Tribal Council.  It is do or die, winner takes all, first one to light a successful campfire gets to stay in the game.  The one who fails to light a fire goes home.  

This challenge is for all the marbles.







Becky hears this and goes apeshit





"Please take your seats over behind the firemaking stations."





Done





"You both have the same materials.  You both have flint and steel, in the form of a knife.  You both have the same amount of coconut husk, and wooden kindling."





Coconut husk





Wooden kindling





"The first person to build a fire large enough to burn through a rope... wins the challenge."





Sundra hears this and smiles





Butch hears this and gets an erection





"Survivors ready?  Begin."




And there they go.



.

Now at this point what I was planning to do was show you each and every minute of the famous Cook Islands firemaking challenge.  What I was planning to do was document it here with picture after picture, and show you just how long it took Sundra and The South Korean Sparkplug to finally make a fire.

That sounded like a good idea at first.   It sounded great on paper.   At least, it sounded great until I sat down to actually plan out the entry.  Because when I sat down to actually start writing this entry, that is when I finally realized something.

I realized that I don't think the internet has enough bandwidth for me to write an entry like that.







'Cause this challenge was long.




How long did it take Sundra and Becky to finally make a fire?  Well they didn't actually say it in the episode, but from what we saw in the subtitles it was least an hour and a half.  And it was probably closer to two hours.   In fact, not only did it take the two of them around two hours to make a fire, at one point they actually nearly RAN OUT OF FLINT.  Seriously, about an hour into the challenge they practically fucking ran out of flint.  

Sundra not only nearly ran out of flint, later in the challenge she actually did manage to RUN OUT OF MATCHES.  Becky and Sundra were so hopeless with flint, and so bad at making a fire, that Jeff Probst had no choice but to call in the mercy rule and go full retard on them.  He gave them each a book of matches that even a five year old could operate, and even then neither one of them could figure out how to make a fire.  It took Becky nearly an hour to make a fire, even after she had been given a book of matches.

It was the most pathetic thing I have ever seen on Survivor that wasn't named Lill.






Waaaaaah.  Fiiiiiire.





Like I said, there's no way I can show you the full firemaking challenge from Cook Islands, because I don't have the time to post it all.  And I am also pretty sure that the internet doesn't have that much bandwidth.  But here are the highlights for you to enjoy.  Since, you know, I'm sure it's way more interesting in print than it must have been in person.

So anyway... here are the "highlights."







Becky tries to make a spark with flint.  It doesn't work.





Sundra tries to make a spark with flint.  It doesn't work.





And the crowd goes wild





Becky continues to try to make a spark with flint.  It continues to not work.





Sundra also continues to try to make a spark with flint.  It also continues to not work.






And the crowd goes wild







Just to mix it up, Sundra stops trying to make a spark with flint.  And instead she tries to make a spark with flint.  She fails.
















Becky lets loose a Herculean effort and tries to make a new spark with flint.  This new effort also fails.






And the crowd goes wild





I love this picture





 
Thirty minutes later, Sundra and Becky are still trying to make a spark with flint.  They are still failing.







Probst is now actively plotting his own death







So is the jury






Forty five minutes now.  And the carnage continues...






Why firemaking is not a spectator sport







Fail






He has watched this shit for an hour now.  And that's when Probst has finally had enough.






"Alright, you two.  Stop."







Huh?






"We're going to matches."







Becky hears this and smiles.







So the challenge starts again.  Becky vs. Sundra, take two.  Only this time... with matches.






And you know what happens next...







That's right.  More failing.







Ozzy facepalms







Even more failing













Failing times infinity







And now we pass a new milestone







At the 90 minute mark, Probst finally snaps.







"After 38 days out here, you should both know how to make fire."







Huh?







Shame







And now... at nearly two hours into the contest, we reach an even lower low.  Now Sundra runs out of matches.  She is out of the challenge.







"Are you fucking kidding me??"







With Sundra out of matches, all she can do now is sit and watch Becky.  And that's when the unthinkable happens.







Becky makes a fire!







"Let that fire go out, Becky, and I will cut you."






But the fire doesn't go out.  It grows higher and higher and finally snaps the rope.







At thirty two bazillion hours into the challenge, Becky Lee wins the tiebreaker!






"Congratulations, Becky.  You now advance to the final vote tomorrow."





Becky lets loose and celebrates






And so there you have it.  One of the weirdest, stupidest, and most randomly awkward moments in Survivor history.  Becky and Sundra in the non firemaking firemaking challenge.  It is truly one of the great unintentionally funny moments in...








"Excuse me. Mario?"





Well hey there, look at that!   It's our old friend, Gervase Peterson!

How are you doing these days, Gervase?  What are you up to?   We haven't seen you around the Funny 115 in a while.







"I love the countdown, dog.  I just wanted to say something about this entry."





Sure, absolutely, no problem.   Fire away.  We always love it when you stop by.







"Remember back in Borneo, when I said that women were the stupidest thing on the planet next to cows?  Remember how I got into so much trouble for that comment?"






As well you should have.  That wasn't a very nice comment, Gervase.







"Well look at it this way.  In 1871, Mrs. O’Leary’s cow accidentally kicked over a lantern, starting the Great Chicago Fire.  This was one of the worst fire disasters in United States history."






Yes.  And?






"Well, in 2006, with flint and matches and a million dollars on the line, Becky and Sundra could not intentionally start a fire for several hours."





Yeah I just wrote about that.  What's your point?







"My point is... women might not be as stupid as cows, but cows are definitely better at starting fires."






Oh now that is just terrible.






"Peace out!"






"Ha ha!"






"F you, Joel!"






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