The Funny 115 - version 2.0


#2.  The Fall of Russell Hantz - Part 2 (page 3 of 3)
Heroes vs Villains - all 14 glorious episodes






It is the morning after the Candice vote (aka the Rupert outwitted Russell vote) and Russell is upset because he knows how badly he screwed up his strategy last night.








"We totally blew it."






Well that's okay Russell.  Because you didn't blow it as badly as you are about to blow it.

This next move is easily the worst thing he has done in two seasons of Survivor.

And yes, that is saying something.







"I'm not fully in control of this game now."





Ya think?







"Me and Parvati are equally in control.  And that makes me a little worried."







Wah wah







"But you know what?  I'm a take control of this game so fast, they won't even know what hit 'em."





Uh oh.  Sounds like the master of the temper tantrum is about to do something impulsive.







By the way, please note Parvati's sage advice to Russell here.  She totally warns him what the easiest way is for him to lose this game right now.








"If one of those heroes makes it to the end, none of us stand a chance.  It has to be three villains up there."







Sounds like the final three should be Russell, Danielle, and Parvati.  Right?  I mean, isn't that just common sense?  The three villains who have been working together all game should sit there in front of the jury at the end and the Heroes will be forced to choose one?  

Good idea, right?  I mean, don't you think a former winner like Parvati might actually be on to something here?







Actually, no.  Russell has a problem with this.







"Parvati and Danielle.  To me they're a team."





Well yeah, no shit.  They're part of the three person team you put together, dude.








I'm a get jealous.







"They're a team, when it's supposed to be me and Parvati."






Yeah.  And Russell likes to call -other- players butthurt.

Like irony much?








"The only thing I can think of right now is to break up that couple."





Oh.  My.  God.

Please tell me that people don't still think Russell is a good player after this.








Um Russell, what the fuck are you doing?  We're a trio.






So anyway this is Russell's new master plan.  He is going to take his powerful threesome, the threesome that is pretty much on cruise control from now until the end of the game, and he is going to break them apart.  For no apparent reason.  

He is going to go to Parvati and Danielle, his ONLY TWO ALLIES WHO WILL EVEN TALK TO HIM AT THIS POINT, and he is going to turn them against one another.

Yay!  There's a flaw in the game!








Russell goes to Danielle and he tries to get her to vote out Parvati.







"Um, why would I vote out my final three partner?  Is he a fucking idiot?"






Then he goes to Parvati and he tells her the exact same thing.








"Danielle is trying to get you out.  We should blindside her tonight."








"Um, that doesn't even make any sense, Russell."





Russell, of course, is giddy about the big bold strategic move* he is about to pull off here.

* suicide







"I'm working Danielle and I'm working Parvati.  I'm telling each of them that they need to get rid of the other one."







"By working both of them, I got both of them under control."







"Parvati's not gonna tell Danielle.  Danielle's not gonna tell Parvati.  Cause it would mess up both of their games."





Well okay.  Sure.  Except not.






"Russell, I want to ask Danielle about this.  I want to see why she would say that."







"You can't make me not ask her, Russell.   You can't just bring this up and not expect me to ask her."





And of course, you know what comes next.

When all else fails, you just fall back on the bullying.






Russell:  "You go talk to her, you are out of this game."







*sighing*  "Don't yell at me, Russell."







More Russell bullying.  He calls her an idiot.






Parvati has absolutely no idea what is going on right now.  Who the hell is this guy?







"Russell, I'm not voting Danielle tonight!"







"I don't care what you say.  I'm not doing it!"







"This is so stupid.  It should be so easy.  We just need to vote out the Heroes!"





And then?  Yes.  The understatement of the season.







"If they actually do talk, it could turn into a problem."





Well duh.  Fucking no shit, Sherlock.







Of course they talk.  Yes.  It turns into a problem.







Danielle can't even fathom why Russell would be trying to mess this up for all of them








"This is so stupid.  There are Heroes here.  We need to get out Rupert or Colby."







I love this shot.  Parvati and Danielle talking about the split in their threesome and Sandra just standing off the side, watching and listening.  Cause that's how Sandra do.





And now Russell clues us in to what his master plan is here.







"I'm gonna get Danielle off tonight.  Because it eliminates that pair."*





* aka "because it creates a really really angry juror."







"As soon as we get rid of Danielle, Parvati's gonna be so scared of me.  She's gonna stick to me like glue."







"And she's gonna vote the way I tell her to vote."





Thank you, Mister Short Sighted victory.






Oh this is the best part.  Now Russell goes to the Heroes, and he begs them to help him vote off his final three partner.







Colby just tries not to laugh.  "Uh.  Really?"






Next Russell goes to Rupert.  Same deal.  Help me vote out my trusted final three ally.




















By the way, this might be the single most underrated funny moment of the entire season.

Russell says "Danielle" and Rupert just growls "YEAH!"

Ha ha.  Kills me every time I watch it.













*growling*  "Yeah!"








Down on the beach, Danielle is horrified when she learns the vote is actually going to be directed at her tonight.  What the fuck?  This doesn't even make any sense.








Even Jerri pipes in now.  "What the hell is Russell doing?  Is he insane?"







Um I think the answer to that is yes.





At this point Russell is now just totally out of control.







"If you don't write down Danielle, you're going next."







Jerri:  "Don't threaten me."








Oh he'll threaten you all right.








"Jerri, help me help you."







My God, this guy is nuts.






Russell is quickly spiraling down into insanity and doom.  And he is taking everyone down with him.

From this point on no one in their right mind will ever want to vote Russell out of the game.  Not even Sandra.  Because from this point on he will be way too obvious of a final three goat.









There's a flaw in this person






By the way, I should point out that my esteemed colleague Murtz Jaffer recently called Cochran's flip on the Savaii tribe in South Pacific the single worst strategic move he has ever seen in 23 seasons of Survivor.

I beg to differ, Murtz.

To me, -this- move by Russell is probably the worst strategic move I have ever seen.

Especially when he badgers Danielle and makes her cry in front of the jury right before he votes her out that night.








Yes, let's berate an ally and bully her until she cries in front of everyone.  Five minutes before you put her on the jury.  Good thinking Russell.






When the girls get to Tribal Council, they let Russell have it.  They are furious with him.







"Danielle and I were pitted against each other today.  Russell did it."





Of course Russell lies and flat out throws Danielle under the bus.






"Danielle came to me and said she wanted Parvati out today."







What?








"I told her that my allegiance is to Parvati and she's not gonna break that."
















"I told her that if she went against the Villains, she had to go."















Oh my God, this isn't happening.








This shot pretty much says it all.   Look at Parvati.  She can't believe what is happening right now.





Danielle tries to defend herself, but eventually Russell's lies make her break down in tears.







Danielle:  "The three of us are in an alliance.  So I don't understand why he's doing this right now."







And then the tears come.







"I don't know.  I didn't do anything wrong."







Danielle finally breaks down







Are you done?







"Danielle, what are the tears about right now?"







"We've been in an alliance since the beginning.  I don't know why he's trying to mess with it."








"It just feels personal."





And then the single most outrageous comment of the entire episode.







Russell (calmly):  "I don't understand how she's just puttin' it all on me."







Courtney over in the jury can't help but react to that.  Are you shitting me?







What the hell?  Did he just say that?







Even Eliza reacts







Mah werd!








Danielle tries to say something to defend herself...







But Russell just cuts her off.   "Can I finish please?"







You know I'm going to stab you for this, right?







Blow me






And with that, Russell pulls off perhaps the single worst strategic move I have ever seen on Survivor.

For no reason whatsoever, for no payoff whatsoever, he backstabs his solid final three ally friend and he sends her crying to the jury.







"I'm voting for you tonight because I want the jury to hate me as much as possible.  And also, because there is a flaw in the game."





And this is the face of what you don't do to a juror.












Even Parvati is a little shaken by what Russell just did to Danielle tonight.

And Parvati doesn't get rattled very easily.














Yeah and I'm awesome







*smuff*








*hissssssssss*






From this point on, now the rest of the players in the game will all just be living with a crazy person.  And they know it.

For the next six days until the end, Parvati, Sandra, Colby, Jerri, and Rupert will all be trapped in Russell Hell.








Oh God.  If I look over I bet he's staring at me with those crazy eyes.






The five players left in the game soon meet up at night and they all compare notes.








My God, Parvati realizes, Russell is a legitimate psychopath.













Now even Parvati is coming close to breaking down.  And she is one of the most unflappable players in Survivor history.  

But even Parvati has a limit.  She just can't take any more of this guy and his bullshit anymore.







"That wasn't strategy at all.  He was just jealous that Danielle and I were close too."







That's right.  I'm Russell Hantz!






Finally we get to episode thirteen.  The day after the Danielle vote.

Hopefully things will be a lot less crazy today around camp than they were the last couple of days.

Luckily, things start well.








Hey guys, I'm back.  What's up?







Awww shit is that little fucker still here?






Ah yes.  And then we get to the next Russell tantrum.

Remember how he threw a temper tantrum because Danielle and Parvati threw a big slumber party, and Russell didn't want that extra third wheel around?

Well here comes the next Russell temper tantrum.  And this one is just as ridiculous.








Jerri wins the reward challenge in episode thirteen.  Which means she gets to take two people along with her on a reward trip.







Pick me?  Please?







I pick Parvati and Sandra!  Yay!







Yay!







I'm a kill her.








Uh oh.  Oh poopie.






You guessed it.  And then the tantrum begins.















Russell just stands there and glares at her






Jerri, of course, has been playing the game with Russell for 30+ days now.  So she knows full well what kind of retaliation she might be in for from him now.








"I'm very concerned that Russell would be so upset that I didn't take him on the reward."







"That he would take it out on me in the game."







"Which would be retarded, but it would also be Russell."







"When we get back, I know that Russell is gonna be really really mad."







"Honestly, who cares?  What can he do?  Get Colby and Rupert to vote you off?"






Why yes.  That's exactly what he could do.  Funny you should bring that up.








"Hey guys, how about you and me be the final three now?"






Uh oh, here we go.  More classic horrible spontaneous long term thinking by Russell.

Yes, Russell.  Go to the final three with two Heroes.  See how that jury vote works out for you.








Back at camp, Russell is ranting just like he always does.  Jerri is an idiot.  Jerri makes no sense.  Jerri has no business even being here.







"I hope that burger literally tastes like a million dollars to her.  Cause that was a million dollar decision."







"These girls are a bunch of unappreciative little bitches.  All of 'em."






And then?  Yes.  A spontaneous suicide pact final three deal with the two people he would never in a million years be able to beat in this jury vote.








"Now we're gonna go to the final three."







Final three






Yes Russell, good thinking here.  Make a final three pact with two people that you know you are going to betray almost immediately.  Either that, or make a final three pact with two players you could never beat in front of a jury, not in a million years.  Nicely thought out plan, Russell.  I like what you've done here.

P.S.  Best player ever, you know.

Oh yeah, and about 90 minutes later?







Russell promises Jerri she is final three.  Now they are BFFs again.







"I'm back on board with Jerri now.  I'm a control her."





Nice job again with those jury votes, Russell.   There's a flaw in the game!













In any case, the girls know that Russell isn't dumb enough to take one of the Heroes with him to the final two.  Take Colby or Rupert?  Against an all Hero jury, are you mad?  Even by Russell standards that would be unthinkable.

So at this point they just start openly defying him.  

I mean, why not?  He can't do much now.  The Villains are guaranteed to be the final four.  

What exactly is the scary and powerful Russell Hantz going to do if they all start defying him?




Note:  By the way, I should point out that Russell would have voted out Parvati at the end this episode, except she wound up winning immunity.  In other words, Russell very easily could have dumped an angry and bullied and crying Parvati onto the jury, just like he did to Danielle the episode before.  But honestly, it really didn't matter.  Well unless you were a Parvati fan.  At this point really the only suspense left in Heroes vs Villains is who is going to destroy Russell at the end in the jury vote?







Oh okay.  Here comes one of those great "the girls defy Russell" scenes that everyone remembers from this episode





Sandra goes to Rupert and she voices some grievances about her friend Russell.







"I hate Russell, Rupert.  I hate him."







"Everybody wants to go with Russell to the end because he's so bad that they'll win against him."







"That's why he's still here."





Sandra talks shit about Russell, because, well, because that's kind of what Sandra does.

And since Rupert really has nothing left to do in this game to save himself except kiss up for brownie points, he goes to Russell and he reports it.












To quote one of my favorite comedians, John Pinette, "Oh, don't do that."












Yes.   And this is where the fun begins.







Russell storms off to go have it out with Changa







Who's just, you know, layin' here.  In the hammock.







"Sandra?"








"What?"








"You with me?  Or you against me?"







*totally deadpan*  "I'm against you, Russell."

















Parvati looks over and she starts laughing at this






Russell, who is used to people cowering and backing down when he starts bullying them, can't believe it.  

Who the fuck does this little Puerto Rican bitch think she is?







"I'm just tellin' you Sandra.  You either with me, or you against me."








"If you're against me, you're goin' home next."








He just sits down in the shelter and he glares at her.








Oh shut up Russell.  Wash your ass.








Parvati just starts busting up over this again





Russell walks back to the campfire to sit down and collect himself.  

And that's when Parvati decides she is going to continue to make fun of him.







"Hey Russell, who invited Boston Rob back to the party?"







"What?"







(imitating Russell)  "Are you with me or are you against me?"







Both the girls start laughing at him.






Russell still can't figure out why they aren't scared of him right now.







Russell  "Uh, what y'all doin'?"







"Y'all bein' stupid?  I mean, you on something?"








"Are you drinkin' over there?  Cause you're bein' dumb."







More giggling






I should point out that Parvati already has immunity tonight.  And Sandra has a hidden immunity idol hidden somewhere in her bra.  So it's not like Russell can vote either one of them out tonight.

But he doesn't need to know that.

For now this is fun.







"Go ahead and keep playin' around."








Lost in giggles








"You guys are diggin' a deeper and deeper hole."













Jerri sits down for a confessional and she can't believe what she is hearing right now.







"I don't know what is going on right now.  This camp has turned into Crazy Town."








"Sandra and Parvati are pushing Russell's buttons?  Are you -kidding- me?"








"Don't get Russell riled up and against you, are you kidding me?"





But it doesn't matter.  Because now the die has been cast.







"You start aggravatin' me, goin' crazy, and I'll be gunnin' for ya.  And that's what Sandra did."







Hey Russell, I got a message for you.







Eat shit, troll.






In fact Sandra cares so little at this point that now she starts mocking Russell in front of everyone at Tribal Council.









Sandra making fun of Russell trying to bully people







"Are you with me or against me?  Cause you can go home next like Danielle."







"So if Russell asks if you're with or against him, I'm guessing you're saying I'm with you Russell."








"No, she said she was against me."
















Sandra: (sweetly)  "Was that what I said?"







Sandra:  "Oh well."







"No Jeff, she said... (doing a smug Sandra impression)... "I'm against you."















Courtney is getting a kick out of this







So is Jeff







"Well I guess that's that.  If she's against me, she's against me."








Eh, fuck it.






Rupert winds up going home at Tribal Council that night, but not before three events happen which are all important to the ending.

Important Moment #1?

Sandra's voting comments.







"I'll write your name again, and if I'm up there in the final three you'll still give me the million dollar vote."













Important Moment #2?

The fact that Russell puts yet -another- player on the jury who is going to hate his guts.

Way to go, Russell.







Bliiiiiindside!







*smuff*







*growl*







I'm awesome.






And Important Moment #3?

Well this one is just a personal favorite.  But it does become important if you watch how the jury reacts to it.

Ladies and gentlemen, if Russell and Parvati didn't realize they were up against a pro-Sandra jury going into the final three, it can only mean they were idiots.

Take a look.







Sandra stands up to play her hidden immunity idol right before the Rupert vote







"Hang on, I got it in my bra."







The jury goes absolutely bonkers over this.  A few of them are visibly cheering her.






You'd think Russell might have noticed this and, you know, not wanted to take her to the final three anymore.
















Yes, she is.  Even Parvati enjoyed that.







Changa'd







I think even Parvati would have voted for Sandra to win at this point






THE FINALE





Okay, going into the Heroes vs Villains finale, here is where we stand.  This is the summary of everything you need to know about Heroes vs Villains going into the final episode:

Russell sucks and the jury hates him.





The mood of the jury towards Russell as we head into the final episode






And of course this







And this




And don't forget this.






"These are All Stars.  But you know what, I'm a little above that."






"Like Michael Jordan is in basketball."






"Or like Michael Phelps is in swimming."






"There's always somebody that's above their sport."






"And I'm the best player that ever played this game."





So anyway, yeah.

Let the abortion of Russell Hantz's gameplay in Heroes vs Villains conclude.






This is one of my favorite parts of the finale.  Remember how Russell went into the final day of Samoa berating Natalie and calling her worthless?  And talking shit about the person who was about to destroy him in the jury vote?




Um, do you believe in deja vu?






"That was a terrible play, Sandra.  Playing that idol.  That wasn't strategic, it made you look like an idiot."












"That was a terrible play for you."





Of course Russell himself did this exact same thing about three episodes ago.  But whatever.






"Russell was mad about how we're supposed to share the idol and use it together, and how it belongs to all of us."






"He wants to micro manage the whole tribe and unfortunately I'm not the type of person you can micro manage."






"Sorry."






Russell knows that yelling at Sandra isn't going to go anywhere.  Not so much because Sandra will yell back, but more because Sandra just doesn't give a shit.  Yelling at Sandra is like yelling at toast.

And since Russell by law has to yell at somebody after something doesn't go his way on Survivor, you know who he is going to go after next.

You guessed it.

Since yelling at Sandra isn't going to go anywhere, instead he decides to yell at Parvati.







"I believe you knew about Sandra's idol, Parvati.  You're lyin' straight in my face."





Yes Russell, good idea.  Now see if you can make your other ally cry for no real reason.  After all, it sure worked out well with Danielle.






"I didn't know about it, Russell!   No one knew!"




Unfazed, Russell gets right up in her face.






"Liar!  Liar!  Liar!"





Yay!  Looks like Russell has a new mission on Survivor.

His new mission now is to make all of his allies cry.  Right before he dumps them onto the jury.

Note that at this point we really aren't even playing Survivor anymore.  At this point now we are playing "Russell shows you who's boss."

And yes, sure enough.  The tears.






"I just don't appreciate when he comes at me like that.  And I'm not even lying!"






Russell is now on the rampage to take out his only real ally







"Russell is running around stomping his feet like a little 2-year old child who got his toy taken away!"







You took my blocks.  I'm telling mom.







"That's pretty much what he's acting like.  It makes him look like a fool!"





So this is Russell's new gameplan as he gets to the end.  He wants to put as many people as he can who hate him on the jury.  And he wants to go to the end against Jerri and Sandra.

Um, why Jerri and Sandra?






"The perfect scenario for me to win is me, Sandra, and Jerri in the top three."






"Because Sandra didn't play the game at all, and Jerri didn't play the game at all."




Note:  For clarity purposes, remember that "playing the game" means "shitting on people."  Which once again proves that Russell doesn't really understand how Survivor works.

And I quote:





"If it was the three of us up there, the jury wouldn't even have a decision.  They would almost -have- to vote for me."





The plan now is to take Parvati out so Russell can have yet another angry enemy on the jury.  It's not really the most ideal strategic plan in the world, but hey it's a plan.

However Parvati throws a wrench into all of that when she winds up winning immunity.






Hi Russell.  I won immunity.  BFFs.







I'm a vote her out anyway.






Since Russell can't vote out Parvati, instead he goes back to the original plan and votes out Colby.  The last Hero.  Which, honestly, is the only strategy that really made sense here at all.







Sorry Colby.  I'm dumping you for Boston Rob.  Say hi to your mother for me.





With all the Heroes now all out of the game, that means there are just four players left.  All villains.






Final four!  All Villains!  Yay!




And of course Russell wastes no time in doing what he always does.  

He goes and he does Russell things.

First he makes a final three pact with Jerri.


















And then he blindsides her.






Bliiiiiindside!




Parvati even tries to warn him before the Jerri vote that he shouldn't do this.  Once they get down to the final four, Parvati tells Russell straight out to his face that Sandra has friends over there and that she is going to win a jury vote.  It is the most obvious observation in the world.  Sandra has friends over there and Jerri doesn't.  Simple as that.

But does Russell actually listen to this logic?

Of course not!





Russell announces he wants to take Sandra to the final three.






Parvati (amazed):  "Really?  You want her in the final three?"




She tries her best to talk him out of this.





"Okay well now let me just say something.  Before you make that decision, okay?"






"If Sandra's with us, she immediately gets Amanda, Candice, and Courtney."





Parvati makes a pretty good point.  You know, considering she is a person who has actually won Survivor before.  You'd think that Russell might want to listen to her logic.

Does he listen to it, however?






"No, I don't think so."






"I'd rather have Jerri on the jury because I'll get her vote."




I love this next exchange.






"Yeah Russell, but what if she doesn't vote for you?  What if she votes for Sandra?"






"Nah."





Parvati even tries to warn him about this scenario again.  And again it just falls on deaf ears.







"Trust me, this is a scenario that's been through my head over and over, all kinda different ways."






Russell:  "My best strategic move would be to take Sandra to the end."






Parvati:  "No.  'Cause Sandra would win."





Yes, if you are keeping track at home, this is the famous scene that will take place in every single season that Russell Hantz ever plays Survivor.   At this point, after seeing it happen in both Samoa and Heroes and Villains, and seeing it happen the exact same way both times, you know this will become a yearly tradition as predictable as Thanksgiving or Christmas.  

By this point now, this should be a scene that you look forward to in every Russell season.

And just what is this scene?






It is the scene where Russell hand picks the goat that he is going to wind up losing to





So here we go.

Just like in Samoa, Russell is about to select a very popular person to be his "goat."






Russell tells Sandra she will be safe at the final four vote






Sandra is surprised.  Why should she be safe tonight?






Russell:  "You know why everybody wants to take you to the end, right?"






Russell:  "''Cause we'll all beat you."


















"Straight up."






Sounds good, says Sandra.  Let's make it happen.   Fist bump.





And then?  Yes, just for editing purposes.  Russell gives the editors plenty of material to bury him with.






"No matter what, in any circumstances I'm keeping Sandra."






"I think she might get Courtney's vote, and that's it."













"So I'm a use Sandra for me to win a million dollars."




And then, just for good measure.





"She can't beat me!"




And now for maybe the best confessional of the entire season.

Take it away, Queen Changa.






"Russell's keeping me around because I'll never get a single vote."













"But I don't know about thaaaaaaat..."




Sorry Russell.  Game over.











Oh yeah, and about Jerri?  Well let's make sure we piss her off on the way out as well.






Russell, so we're still on for that final three deal?






Uh, what was your name again?






Bliiiiindside!






Jerry, you and Ben make shitty ice cream.  I'm a get me some Haagen Dazs instead.






Thanks.  Nice.






Hey jury, see what I did there?






Grrrr.  Rupert Smash.






Grrrr.  Colby Smash.







I like ponies, they're pretty.




Jerri, of course, is none too pleased about what Russell just did to her.













*smuff*






And with that, Russell Hantz has successfully set himself up to be completely ass raped by an angry Survivor jury.












Again.
THE FINAL DAY






Okay so here we go.

Going into the final Tribal Council, this is the jury that Russell the Jury Slayer has managed to hand pick for himself.

These are the nine people that he has decided he wants to have a say in whether he wins a million dollars or not













Yeah, I don't think it's gonna work out all that well for him.






Here we go.  The last day.  Time for the arrogant and pompous Russell Hantz - the player who is better than Survivor, the player who is the Michael Jordan of Survivor- to get his humiliating comeuppance.






"Tonight I believe I have a good shot of winning this."




Yes, of course you do, honey.






"Last season I brought two people 'cause I thought I could beat 'em.  Cause they were the weak players.  And I didn't."






"Tonight I'm bringing two people who other people don't like."






"At the end of the day, the reason Sandra's here is because she's easy to beat."











And now comes the most perfect end to the Russell Hantz Legacy that could ever be possible.

Seriously, you want to know why Sandra is such a beloved Survivor icon?  Why people who loved her in Pearl Islands loved her even more in Heroes vs. Villains?  Why, on Survivor Sucks, she is referred to as a "perfect neutral seven"?*


* inside joke, you'd have to be there to get it





Here we go.  It is time for Sandra to make the Russell Hantz Survivor Legacy come full circle.





It all starts when Parvati and Sandra are laying there, just openly disrespecting him while laying on a tarp.






Russell:  "Hey Parvati, tell me the truth.  If you would have been on the jury, would you have voted for me?"






Parvati:  "I told you.  I would have voted for Sandra."













Russell:   "I would have voted for you."






Russell:  "If you would have put me on the jury I still would have voted for you."






Parvati:  "That's nice of you."












Russell:  "But you're tellin' me you still wouldn't have voted for me?  Really?"





Parvati:  "I would have voted for Sandra."





Russell (shocked):  "Seriously?  Wow."






I love it when the cameraman pans out and then you get shots like this





Russell, of course, is a little bit hurt that his Survivor girlfriend just openly insulted him and claimed that he didn't play the best game out here.  Why, the nerve of her.  And to think, all this after he brought her flowers, after he gave her an idol, after he saved her from the vote, after he made her best friend cry, and then after he yelled at her and called her an idiot and a liar right there on the beach in front of everybody and everything.  

All that and he still wouldn't have gotten her jury vote?

Why, this little ungrateful bitch has some nerve on her.






Russell decides to cool off, so he goes for a walk





Which is a bad idea, because you don't want to leave Sandra and Parvati alone without a chaperone when there are no consequences right now.






Parvati (laughing):  "He's so full of it."






Sandra (giddy):  "We're gonna drop the bomb on him tonight!"






Sandra:  "He don't know what it's like to be up against two chicks."






Fist bump






And then with Russell still away...






... and his hat sitting right there on its perch above the campsite...






... Sandra gets an idea






"I'm a burn his hat."






Parvati hears her say this and she just loses it.





Seriously, if you ever watch this scene again, watch for the moment where Sandra announces she is going to burn the hat, and listen for Parvati's reaction.  It is -not- the playful flirty giggle she normally does for the cameras.  It is -not- the seductive cute little laugh that she does when she is flirting with a guy.  No, it is Parvati's natural deep belly laugh from the bottom of her diaphragm, and it comes out of her so forcefully that you can tell that she wasn't expecting it to.  

I mean, I know this is sort of a stretch to say this, but it almost sounds like she just had an orgasm.






For the first time ever, Parvati's real life laugh




Finally, Parvati recovers.






Parvati:  "Oh my God, do it!"






Sandra:  "So he can take his bald headed ass tonight to tribal council."




So Sandra gets up.






She takes his hat.






And she tosses it in the fire.






"That's how much game I got."






Kind of ironic that Russell's Survivor legacy begins with him burning Jaison's socks, and ends with him getting the Symbol of Russell burned.






It is the Circle of Life






Oh yeah, and this is for Boston Rob's little B hat.





Then we get the follow up confessional.

By the way, want to see the difference between Natalie White and Sandra Diaz-Twine, here you go.

Natalie is a shy southern belle who is demure, who is well mannered, who is respectful, and who is well schooled in the ways of diplomacy and getting along with people and always being a lady.  

Sandra, on the other hand, once cussed out a baby unicorn.

Russell really had no idea what he was up against here.






"Russell is obnoxious."






"So I took his hat.  And I threw it in the fire."












"I don't care."






"I should burn his sneakers."






Eh, fuck it.





When Russell comes back, he looks for his little B hat hanging on the post and he can't find it.













Huh?













"I put it right there.  What the hell?"






Sandra (helpfully):  "Maybe you already packed it."




Russell goes over to look in his bag.  

Sandra comes over to provide support.





Russell (annoyed):  "If I don't get my hat, I aint leavin'."




And then this is the capper to the scene that most people don't remember.

God bless you, editors.





Russell walks away and Sandra notices that the camera is still filming her







So she looks at us directly at home






And... Changa'd.





And with that, it is time to head off the the Final Russell Ass Raping Tribal Council.







"I don't think it's about the money tonight, I think it's about the title of Sole Survivor.  That's all Russell wants."






"And if that's what Russell wants, that's what I gotta make sure that Russell does not get."






Your legacy was nice while it lasted, Russell.





And now it is time for Russell to face the music in front of a jury.

Think Russell is good in front of a jury?  

Think again.

Just imagine Amanda in front of a jury, only if Amanda took a dump on the floor of Ponderosa right before Tribal Council.  That's Russell.






Oooooh jurors.  Y'all are so dumb.  I'm a crap on every one of you.





And with that, let the beating begin.

Um, let's just call this the single most predictable Tribal Council in Survivor history.

This isn't "bitterness", by the way.  This is just how Survivor works.  This is justice.






"Russell, you suck!"













"Yeah, you kinda suck."







"I wrote a letter about how much you suck."














"Hey idiot, you're not going to get any votes."







"But I thought we determined I'm awesome."






"Russell, you suck."






"Um, how about we do it this way?  Explain to me why you don't suck."






Grrrrrrrr














(in mocking singsong)  "Nyah nyah.  I'm not going to vote for you."















hissssssssssssssss






Fun quiz, kids!  Guess which one is about to get zero votes!






Answer:  This guy





I know I'm making fun of the ending of Heroes vs. Villains.  Just like I have been making fun of Russell for the entire entry.  For that, and for everything else I have said so far, I don't really feel bad.  

For the most part, I feel like the crap I have been dealing out towards Russell in this entry has been warranted.  He really did play an abortion of a season in Heroes vs Villains.  It was maybe one of the worst games in Survivor history.  And from day one my goal was for this entry to reflect that.  

I will never understand why anyone believes Russell Hantz deserved to wins Heroes vs Villains.  I will never understand why anyone believes he should have come -close- to winning Heroes vs Villains.  There is no way that anyone should feel that way anymore after they get done with this entry.  Russell should have been destroyed in the jury vote in Heroes vs Villains, just like he was.   Like I said before, his game was a total abortion.






*breaks down*  *slits wrists*  *dies*





However.

Even I feel bad about some of the stuff that Russell had to go through towards the end of Heroes vs Villains.  And if you are looking for the #1 moment that even I feel is hard to watch, here we go.  We are just about there.

This is the part of The Fall of the Russell Hantz Legacy that is hard to watch.







Even I feel bad when Russell has to sit there on live TV during the final vote reveal






This might be the single most awkward thing that has ever been shown on Survivor.   And that doesn't involve Rudy.












And the winner... Sandra!






Poor Russell even has to go over to his mortal enemy and give her a hug












Winner winner Outback Steakhouse dinner





And with that... we come to a very fitting end... to one of the most memorable seasons.






A season that was all about Stephenie




















P.S.  Yep, you guessed it.  I have postscripts up the butt for this entry.  Get ready for a lot of them.





P.S. #1:  The smartest Survivor analyst I have ever known in my life was a girl by the name of Isabella over at Survivor Sucks (at Sucks she went by the name Energia del Sol.)  Some of you might know of her already, I tend to talk about her a lot.  She helped me out with the strategy and the character details in my All-Star stories.

Anyway, one of the beliefs about Survivor that Isabella always held, which is one that I happen to agree with, is that the absolute worst place you can ever finish in a Survivor season is "the guy who loses the jury vote."  That's it, hands down.  There is no place you can finish in a season that is a bigger bummer than that one.  She always called the guy who loses the jury vote "the position of shame."

And you might ask yourself, well why?  Why is it so horrible to lose a jury vote on Survivor, compared to being voted out first?  Or being voted out as the last guy right before the jury vote?  Or being nailed at the merge?  Why is losing the jury vote itself so inherently horrible?

The reason, Isabella explained, is that if you lose a jury vote, there is no logical way you can argue that you should have won.

Now remember, this isn't specific to Russell.  This is something that Isabella and I talked a lot about, maybe seven or eight years ago.  About how horrible it would be to get all the way to the end, and then lose the jury vote.  I mean, just think about it.  If you think you know Survivor, if you think you really know how the game works, if you think you know all the intricacies and social politics that make up the way it goes down, just imagine how terrible it would be to get to the end and then not get a single jury vote.  What would that say about you as a player, if the jury completely shut you out?  How would there be any logical way you could possibly defend yourself?

The way Isabella always phrased it was this.  If I got to the final three (like Rob Cesternino) and they voted me out because I was too big of a jury threat, it would suck.  But it would be because they were scared of me.  So oh well, I lose but at least I can argue that I might have possibly won.  If I get voted out when the tribes merge (like Gretchen), and they take me out because I am too big of a threat, same deal.  Yeah I lost, but I can always say "yeah if I got to the end, I might have won."  And then if you get voted out first (like Peter Harkey), well in that case it would suck, but at least you can argue that you just wound up on the wrong side of the numbers.  Or that you just didn't fit in with the particular tribe dynamic.  So yeah it would suck to be first, but you can always shrug your shoulders and just say it was luck.

But losing the jury vote, Isabella would say?  Well that just means you sucked.  There is -no- logical argument you can make at that point that you lost because of luck or because you were too much of a threat.  The only explanation you can make for why somebody beat you in a jury vote is because somebody else was better than you.  That's it, hands down, and that's the way that Survivor has always been.

Does this apply to Russell and the legion of "Russell got screwed" devotees?  Of course it does.  Russell made the finals twice and he only got 2 out of 18 possible jury votes.  Why don't we just do the math at this point.  Russell didn't get screwed.  

Oh yeah, and of course Isabella played in two Survivor ORG games with me over the years, and naturally both times she got to the end and she lost the jury vote.  Sorry but that's just funny.  I love that God loves irony.






P.S. #2:   Earlier in the entry I compared Heroes vs Villains to Vanuatu, where out of all the Survivor seasons, I called them the two best revenge stories of all time.  And it's true.  If you look at Vanuatu, that season is basically Kill Bill.  Chris Daugherty gets mad that the girls vote out the men, and particularly that they voted out his best buddy Sarge.  And then he just goes on a one man crusade to get back at them.  And then it ends of course when he lops off O-Ren Twila's head with a sword in the snow.  It is a the perfect revenge tale.

Now Heroes vs. Villains, well that my friends is a whole different beast.  This is the story of Sandra's revenge against Russell.  Russell takes out all of her friends.  He pushes her around.  He calls her worthless.  He writes her off as powerless.  And then she wins anyway when he makes mistake after mistake down the stretch, and basically costs himself the game while she stands there and laughs at him.  Is that the greatest revenge story in the world?  Is that as poignant or as awesome a storyline as Kill Bill?  Of course not.  But the way it happened in Heroes vs Villains, with all the mockery, it sure was funnier.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that Vanuatu is Kill Bill.  It is the greatest revenge story in Survivor history.

Meanwhile, Heroes vs Villains is the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street.  The only difference is that in -this- version of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Nancy doesn't kill Freddy at the end.  In this version, he spends the whole movie taunting and mocking her, and killing all her friends, and then two minutes before the end of the movie he is putting on his glove and he accidentally vivisects himself.  

Okay, maybe not the best revenge story in the world.  But it sure is number two on the Funny 115 worthy.  :)






I'm a get me a new hat







P.S. #3:   Since we're speaking of horror movies, have you ever seen the trailers for the original Friday the 13th movies?  I mean, the actual trailers they showed to advertise the movies back in the early 80's?  Here is an example of one if you want to see what they looked like.

The way they used to advertise the Friday the 13th movies was funny.  Instead of hyping the killer or the storyline, instead they would just count off all the people in the movie who were going to die.  They would just reel off a montage of every person who was going to die in the movie, and then after each clip there would be a number counting off which number victim they were.  And then the audience would cheer after each number because the only reason you went to an early Friday the 13th movie was to see what kind of a body count the movie could rack up.

Why do I bring up old Friday the 13th movie trailers in an entry about Russell?

Easy.  If you wanted to make the greatest Survivor video of all time, just make a parody of an old Friday the 13th trailer, except do it for any Russell season.  Make a trailer for Samoa or Heroes vs Villains, use the Friday the 13th music, and show all the jurors that Russell is going to abuse, insult, trash, or just flat out shit on.  And then after he ass-rapes each person, show them looking angry in the jury and flash what number angry juror they were.  And then the audience can cheer after each number because this is the only way Russell knows how to play Survivor.

Okay video nerds, it is up to you.  Ball's in your court.  Go out and somebody make this video and post it on Youtube.  Sorry, I would do it myself except I'm old and I don't understand how technology works.






Me





P.S. #4:  A few days ago on Survivor Sucks they were talking about this entry.  And a user named wolfytheblack wrote the following post.  I know, it's kind of mean, but I dare you not to laugh at it.


"I just want to point out that one of the things that Russell is supposedly good at, that of being the hidden immunity idol master, is also something he's actually pretty bad at.  Finding them?  Sure, he's like a truffle hunting pig, but now other people have done it without clues so it's not even that special anymore.  But as for actually playing the idols?  Terrible."


Thank you Wolfy.  You had me at "truffle hunting pig."






P.S. #5:  Here is a great comment from a user at Sucks named dabu.  This one is about Sandra.


"Sandra's absolutely flawless. She's always the star when she's on screen and she knows it. She just knows how to naturally bring gold every time. What's great about her as a character is that she's probably the most unlikely person ever to be the only two-time winner and to have the most flawless record in Survivor history. She's this loud-mouthed Hispanic mother who cusses the shit out of every snake-ass motherfucker she sees, her first confessional is dropping an S-bomb, and she's virtually useless at anything that requires movement.. and she won twice. Seriously, who the hell would have predicted after the first episode of Pearl Islands "That Sandra lady is going to be the best player ever"? Nobody."






P.S.  #6:  Anyone remember the big fight between Russell and Sandra at the reunion show, and the hilarious image of Parvati sitting in the middle, trying to separate them?  If you don't remember that image, here you go.  I love that Russell and Sandra legitimately don't seem to like one another.  





The most awkward reunion show seating since the time they made Sue Hawk sit on Richard Hatch's lap





And let the fight begin






More fighting





Parvati trying to step in and get them to go back to their corners





Poor Parvati






P.S. #7:  By the way, speaking of "Sandra and Russell doesn't like each other in real life," check out this hilarious quote from Jerri in one of her postgame interviews.


Question:  It was discussed at last night’s reunion, but who do you think is the best Survivor player ever?
Jerri:  Oh wow. I have to say, I gotta give props to Parvati. I really do. That’s why I voted for her. She is probably one of the best social players, even though her flirtations are so blatant and out in the open and so sickening. I was so amazed at how it worked. I want to be friends with her for a long time because I want to learn her mojo. She played such a great strategic, physical, and mental game. Underneath it all, though, I am super happy that Sandra won if only because Russell absolutely hates her. It was poetic justice.
 




P.S. #8:  Since I love Survivor Sucks so much, here are a bunch of other posts from people at Sucks who had something they wanted me to comment on in the Fall of Russell entry.


from a guy named Otto:  "I love the claims that Russell would win if he had a better social game.  Well yeah and Gary Coleman would be good at basketball if he wasn't three feet tall.  If Stephen Hawking wasn't paralyzed he would be an excellent violin player.  There are certain realities you have to factor in when it comes to assessing things."


from dabu:  "Russell contradicts himself so much. "I respect the game too much, but the second half of the game is a flaw and I don't understand or care about how it works." Ugh. Such a s-head."

 
from aboutbreakingtherules:  "Rupert's fake idol in the pocket was the absolute worst bluff job I've ever seen on Survivor!  (Yes, even worse than "fucking stick," and I wouldn't rule out the possibility of even Jason smelling something funny on that one sooner or later.)  The fact that Russell fell for it hook, line, and sinker, combined with his scorched-earth playing style, would instantly put the lie to any claims of him being the best Survivor player.  How in the world does one player manage to make every single member of the jury, foe and ally, Hero and Villain alike, loathe his guts?"


from a guy named Adam:   "One of my favorite bits from that storyline is that Russell is again in the complete power position to choose who he wants to sit next to him in the Final 3.  He's dead set on taking Sandra cause there is no wayyyyy she can win again. And poor Parvati, she knows Sandra has it in the bag.  She keeps trying to tell him that Sandra will win no matter if its him/Parv/Sandra or him/Jerri/Sandra.  She even goes on to list all the people who are guaranteed to vote for Sandra in the end.  Russell couldn't even entertain the thought that Sandra might be a threat."


another one from aboutbreakingtherules:
"In most respects, The Fall of Russell Hantz 2.0 exceeds its Samoa counterpart many times over. While he got exactly what he deserved and he richly deserved that ass-kicking he got, the Galu jurors actually let him off really easy. Even his own alliance was downright subtle in assessing his scorched-earth playing style. What you saw with the Samoa jury was basically a crowd of snobby prep-school choirboys.

Starting around that time, seasons would film a week or so apart.  Russell would be filming the next season while editing was still in progress for his first!  He would go in with an advantage absolutely no other Survivor has ever received.

In Heroes vs Villains, now he was going to be playing with battle-hardened inner-city street thugs. The big boys. Yeah, he might still be able to blindside them, but these guys would have absolutely no problem ripping his cock out of its socket.  He was about to run headfirst into a speeding truck.

You remember when Rupert showed up at Tribal Council carrying his own phony immunity idol? Absolute worst bluff job I've ever seen!  And incredibly, Russell fell for it hook, line, and sinker! The big dummy pulled the wool over the puppetmaster's eyes without breaking a sweat!  And you have to include, "You're such a dumbass, Rupert."  He actually had the gall to insult the big guy-- to his face!  Did he have any idea just how dumb that was?

Russell's downfall reached its conclusion on live television.  He was blindsided in front of a live studio audience!  What happened to Randy Bailey and Jason Siska doesn't have anything on this one, folks.  And while Natalie White was a model of diplomacy and nuance, Sandra had absolutely no problem laying into him.  Neither did the other players."








P.S. #9:  Again, I know I already pointed this out in the entry, but it needs to be pointed out again because it's important.  Isn't it amazing that Sandra has played Survivor twice, and both times she has been teamed up with one of the scummiest dirtbags to ever play Survivor?  I mean, come on.  First Fairplay, and now Russell?  And both times her entire storyline is that she just sits there and bounces insults off of them before she humiliates them and beats them?  How is it possible to have a better Survivor legacy than that?

Seriously, I love Sandra, but she has got to be the luckiest person ever to have been on TV.  And this has nothing to do with gameplay.  I'm not saying "she wins because she is lucky."  I am saying her storylines are awesome because the casting was lucky.  How on Earth do you only play twice, yet the first time you get to humiliate Fairplay, and the second time you get to humiliate Russell?  

How is it possible to have a better Survivor legacy than that??





Sandra exists solely to thwart douchebags.










P.S. #10:   Remember how I said that Sandra is hilarious because she will give people like Russell and Jonny Fairplay shit?  Well check out this little exchange from Facebook a few months ago.  A reader named Sam Paxton passed it along and there is no way you can read it and not laugh.  This is so 100% Sandra.







 





P.S. #11:  Hey here's another great Jerri postgame quote.  Take note, America.  She is calling you out.


     
Jerri:  "At the final Tribal Council, what I was looking for was some sense of humility. Some sense of gratitude. Maybe some apologies. Just something that would show me that who Russell is in the game maybe isn't who he is in person and he was grateful that we had all played this amazing game with him. Just some sense of him being humble and I could not have been more disappointed. He came at all of us, including me, and basically said "I didn't need any of you, I was in control of all of you, luck had nothing to do with my game," he went on and on and on, just shooting himself in the foot. I was floored and extremely disappointed. He just screwed himself out of a million bucks. The sad thing is that he has learned nothing from the experience and I think last night at the reunion show he really showed us all that. The fact that America still awarded him Fan Favorite is beyond me. I wish he had just been a human being."





 
 
P.S. #12:  Here is a great quote from a reader named Ben Powell:


"The best bit about the intro is the shot of Russell flailing around trying to get the ball on the slip n slide, only it's just out of reach - symbolism ftw"













P.S. #13:  Oh now this is a good one.   Want to see something that is really damaging to the argument of "Russell should have won Survivor"?  Well check out this comment from a user at Sucks named Salarakas.  This is something that makes Russell look really, really, really bad at Survivor, and it is no surprise that the CBS editors tried to bury it.

From Salarakas:


"One of my favourite things in the fall of Russell pt 2 is something that they never aired.

As seen on this insider clip, because Russell asked him, Coach gave him a cross necklace to solidify their bond.  They are both devout Christians, so what better way to make sure that Coach and Russell are golden till the end?

After openly wearing the cross until it was time to cut Coach's throat, what does Russell do with this very same cross?  Why, of course he uses it to strike a final three deal with Rupert and Colby. If you look closely, you can see that Rupert has the cross in his hand when the two of them shake hands.

I guess swearing on the cross would have been too much for the viewers so that's why CBS tried to bury it. Must have been good times at Ponderosa when Rupert of all people showed up with the necklace and he explained to Coach how he got it.  Yet another great move by Russell to get more jury votes."








P.S. #14:  Are you one of those people who likes to argue "Well okay Russell didn't get screwed, but Parvati sure did.  Parvati should have wiped the floor with that useless Sandra in the jury vote"?  Well if you are, check out these comments from a user at Sucks named rainmakerrtv.  These might change your mind if you are a member of the "Parvati deserved to win Heroes vs Villains" crowd.

From rainmakerrtv:

"Sorry to be beating a dead horse here, but ..just something from the Fall Of Russell Pt 2. Aside from the Russell fans, there are also people who gripe, "Even if Russell shouldn't have won, Parvati should have won over Sandra at FTC."

I recently started listening to Rob C.'s podcast and of course I went straight to Sandra's interviews and something interesting came up. According to Sandra, after J.T. was voted out, Russell and Parvati would often sit by the fire and read the letter to each other and laugh and laugh and laugh for hours, all within earshot of the remaining Heroes. While giving Russell the idol was a bad plan for a variety of reasons, it was one that all of the Heroes agreed on, and to have it be a subject of constant mockery for a while after the fact had to get under their collective skin.

So let's see ... JT, Amanda, Candice, Rupert, Colby. That's 5 jurors on a jury of 9 that now aren't going to vote for Russell or Parvati. It looks like Parvati (someone who I've usually respected for having a solid social game) started taking her jury management skills from Russell."







P.S. #15:  Want even more Russell bashing?  Here is a reader at Sucks who took offense to me softening my Russell writeup at the end.  He is of the opinion that a Russell entry should never be softened, not even for a second, because Russell was a dick to Sandra all the way up to the reveal of the vote.  He actually makes a pretty good point here:


"I honestly can't feel bad for Russell when he has to sit and watch himself lose on live TV. I just don't feel any sympathy for him. The reason is that on Cesternino's podcast, Sandra was talking about Russell. She said that right before they went on stage for the reunion and vote reveal, on that very night, Russell was taunting her. He was still, months after the show, telling her that she was worthless, that the jury thought she was a useless coattail rider, and that she better get ready to watch herself lose. And this was months after the jury had already voted, so it can't even be justified with "Well, maybe he was just trying to break her a little bit so she'd be nervous in front of the jurors" like people argue about his treatment of Natalie on Day 39.

The Fall of Russell isn't like the falls of John Carroll or Silas Gaither where at least he's a really good guy off the show. Taunting Sandra months after the game is over, when the outcome is already finalized, had absolutely no purpose beyond being a cold-hearted, malicious douchebag. I will never feel bad for anything that ever happened to Russell on Survivor. Even if the whole studio audience had jumped up and pointed and laughed at him when he lost, he would still deserve it if only for the fact that he was being a dick to Sandra for absolutely no reason beyond the fact that he's a bitter human being."







P.S. #16:  And finally... you know I couldn't resist.

Here is the scene from the reunion show where Russell flat out admits that he doesn't understand how Survivor works.  And then he goes on to say that he doesn't even care.   Really, I could have saved myself a lot of time by not writing this entry and by just linking to this clip from the reunion show.  Russell basically makes my argument for me that a player like him has no business ever winning Survivor, and never will.

Here it is, in his very own words!







"America should get to vote, Jeff.  They should get a percentage of the vote."






"Yeah but... that's not the game.  The players decide who wins this game."






"At the end of the day, Jeff, Parvati should have won."






"Wait a minute, that's a different game.  That's called Russell decides who wins Survivor."













"I have a question for you, Russell.   When you're playing this game, are you aware of jury votes?"






"I don't care about that."






(angrily)  "I play as hard as I can."






"Russell stop.  Hang on.  Take a deep breath with me."






"Are you aware during the game, like when you get into an argument with Rupert, that's that vicious, that you're not going to get his vote?"






"When you betray Jerri.  Probably not gonna get her vote."






"Are you thinking of that?  Or do you think, well that's two votes but I've got others."







"Are you aware of the jury?  This is a fundamental question."







"Do you think about the fact that the social game is something you're missing."







"I don't care about that fact!"







"I play the game as hard as I can.  I do what I have to do.  I do what I can do."  






"And you know what?  I make it to the end every time."





And so there you have it.  In his own words.  Russell doesn't care how Survivor works.  Nor is he even playing to win.

Which just goes back to the argument I have been making all along.

Clearly there is a flaw in Survivor.









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