The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#3.
It's a f*cking stick!
Fans vs Favorites - episode 9
Ah yes. And now we are here.
The moment that, in my opinion, is the single funniest scene of the
past nine seasons of Survivor.
Got stick?
That's right, my friends. It is time for the legendary scene
involving Eliza. And Jason Siska. And an ugly
little stick that happens to have a face on it.
It is finally time to delve into the legend of... The Fucking Stick.
Note:
This entry isn't going to be as long as some of the other
entries
in the top 10 because, like I pointed out, it is only one scene.
It isn't a huge character downfall, like The Fall of Jaime,
and it doesn't take place over multiple episodes, like J.T's letter, or
Horsemen Down. But like I said before, if you wanted to pick
-one- scene as the funniest Survivor moment between seasons
12-20,
this would be
the one. If the Funny 115 were just made up of individual
scenes, if I wasn't allowed to pick things like character arcs,
or setups and downfalls, or Coach being a massive douchebag, Jason and
Eliza and the Stick would be the #1 entry on the entire countdown.
And believe me, it wouldn't be close.
Yes!
So here we go. Perhaps the funniest scene in
Survivor history that didn't involve a dead grandmother, Robb stepping
on a stingray, Rudy, Judd, Coach, fafaru, or ham.
I resent all of those things
Oh yeah, that reminds me. And a pre-emptive shout out to the
one and only Eliza "The Creator of the Fuck You Face" Orlins.
Who is about to become the first (and only) player in
Survivor history to
make the top five on both versions of the Funny 115.
Congratulations Eliza. Top five on both lists. This
is a
prestigious honor. You have finally hit the big time.
I sure hope this was worth putting up with all those days
of Siska, Scout, Amanda, Ozzy, and Twila.
I'm the luckiest girl alive!
Okay so here we go.
I'm not going to get too much into the backstory of how we got to the
fucking stick
scene, since I already did that pretty well in the Wacky
Adventures of Jason Siska. If you want to
read the setup of how we got here, and who the players are, and why
this scene is so ridiculous, just go back and
check out the Siska entry and then come back here. I will be
waiting
for you.
So will Ozzy
So anyway, here we are in episode nine of Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites.
Ozzy has created a fake immunity idol
Jason has found this fake immunity idol
And he totally buys that it is real because it has a little face on it
Oooooookay
Side note: Here is something else that has a little face on
it. And is also not immunity.
Same here
Mr. Cookie does not approve of such shenanigans
Jason discovers the stick with a face on it
immunity idol on Exile Island. He digs it up and he is
overjoyed. Oh, an
idol with a face on it! Oh, how lucky to have found this!
Oh, what
lucky day!
He brings the idol back to camp.
Rock Star
And when he finds out that his best friend in the world, Eliza, is
going to be the vote
at the next Tribal Council...
... He decides that he is going to step up and be the hero here and do
something to stop that.
Because that's right, universe. I'm Jason motherfucking Siska.
That's right. Jason is going to use his stick
with a face on it immunity idol
to save Eliza.
He
is going to ride in on his white horse, he is going to give her the
idol, and he is going to spare the life of his friend tomorrow.
Help me Obi Wan Kadorki. You're my only hope.
So anyway, Jason goes to his friend Eliza.
He pulls her aside the night before Tribal Council.
And he mentions a little piece of info that she might
find interesting.
"Did you know there are 12 areola around each
human nipple?!!"
No, not that. Let's try that again.
Here is Jason delivering his big news to Eliza.
"GUESS WHAT I FOUND??????"
Okay, here it is for reals.
Eliza is talking to Jason in the shelter one night, and he drops a
bombshell on her
"I has a stik."
"Jason, honey? You'll have to speak English. I
don't speak retard."
"Seriously, I have a hidden immunity idol. I found it on
Exile. You can have it before Tribal tomorrow."
And then, yes. The act that really sells it.
The shush.
Rest, Eliza. I'm Jason. Let me do all the thinking
now.
Needless to say, since Eliza is 100% going home at Tribal Council
tomorrow, she finds this news to be pretty exciting.
Holy crap, you mean I am going to be saved tomorrow? You mean
I am not going home now?
This might be the only time Eliza has ever smiled on Survivor
Although, of course... unbeknownst to Eliza... but knownst to us...
Uh, yeah. The stick.
*sigh* Why does my Prince Charming suck?
Okay so anyway, here we go.
This, my friends, is how comedy is born.
William Shakespeare would have loved this storyline.
He also would have been a big fan of Benry
With
Jason now in possession of a hidden immunity idol, and Eliza now
knowing that nobody in the game can do anything to vote her out
tonight, she basically just chills out all day as the action winds down
towards Tribal Council.
Chillin' like a villain
She
knows full well that people
like Amanda and Parvati are probably going to talk shit about her
behind her back all day. She knows this because they do that
all
the time. She knows this, and for one day at least, she
doesn't
even care. They can talk shit all they want.
The
reason she doesn't care is because she knows that Jason and his magical
immunity idol are going to make her invincible tonight.
"Your
hair is sparkly!" "No your hair is sparkly!" "Let's
pee in
Eliza's shoes before we vote her off tonight!" "Yay!"
"And then we can call her an alien!" "Yay!" "Double
yay! Air kiss!"
Oh
I will get you, my pretties. Just you wait.
And so this is how it goes leading up to Tribal Council.
The
rest of the tribe makes fun of Eliza. They pretty much do
what
they always do. In the world of Survivor history, we call
this
"pulling a Twila."
Meanwhile, Eliza just sits there and she plots her revenge.
I'm a sue you
And
then...right before she leaves for Tribal Council... she walks over to
her best friend in the world, Jason Siska.
And she asks him if she can finally get her hands on
that immunity idol.
Which she will soon find out, much to her dismay, looks not unlike this
And thus the funniest scene of the past nine seasons of Survivor is
born.
Eliza:
"Um, I need the idol, Jason."
Jason
(cocky):
"Don't worry, we've got them right where we want them."
Eliza:
"Uh yeah... but the idol."
Jason:
"Wait until we see the look of failure on Ozzy's face
tonight. Gonna be awesome."
Finally, a little bit later, she reminds Jason that it's really getting
close to Tribal Council here.
She really needs to get ahold of that little idol now.
"Jason,
I'm serious. I really really really need that idol.
Like, right now. They're all voting for me tonight."
"I got you covered. Don't worry."
Note: When Jason Siska tells you something like that?
Please worry.
Eliza just stands there and she gapes at him for a moment
"You hid the idol? Where is it?"
(trying to sound mysterious) "
Hidden."
"But you're gonna get it, right?"
"Yeah. Of course. Don't worry, baby."
Note: Again, if Jason tells you not to worry? You
should probably worry.
Although special extra credit for inserting the word "baby" into the
sentence.
Eliza stands there and she just thinks about this for a moment.
She is probably going over all the variables that are going to
be in play with this idol plan.
Such as this variable
"Remember Jason. I'm trusting you."
Eliza really needs to make better choices in life
Jason, of course, knows just the right thing to say in every possible
occasion.
"When Ozzy sees this tonight he's gonna be like... whaaaatttttt?"
And then?
Yes. The famous handover scene.
Eliza finally gets a look at Jason's "hidden
immunity idol."
And we finally get the payoff that we have been waiting for.
Remember, faces are not holy creatures
Eliza reaches into her bag to get the package that Jason left for her
She picks it up. And then she unwraps it.
Hiiiiidey ho!
0.5 seconds later, Eliza officially realizes that Jason is an
idiot
"This isn't it! This is so stupid!"
"This is just a napkin!"
Then reality hits her. There is no idol.
Jason Siska is a moron.
And with no idol, that means she is officially doomed tonight.
"Oh my God. This isn't it."
With about 10 minutes left until they leave for Tribal
Council, and no other strategy she can use tonight except "play a stick
with a face on it at Tribal Council", there is only one thing Eliza can
do now with her remaining few moments left in the game.
That's
right. With ten minutes to go, and her back to the wall, and
nothing but a fucking stick in her hand to protect her at Tribal
Council tonight, Eliza does the only thing she can at this
point
to keep from going insane.
She storms off down the beach
Because she wants to go yell at Siska
Eliza's
more advanced version of the "Fuck You" face. This is the
"Fuck
You" walk. She is getting very versatile with this.
And here we have it. The famous confrontation.
Ladies
and gentlemen, please pay attention to the following exchange.
Please follow it closely. Please memorize the
dialogue.
I will post it verbatim.
Because what you are looking at
is the "Who's on First" routine for the 21st century. This is
as
good as Survivor comedy gets. One day, future vaudeville acts
will pay tribute to this scene.
Are you ready for some unintentional awkward comedy galore?
Well here we go.
Eliza (angrily): "What are you pulling? What are
you trying to pull?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going home anyhow."
"Why?"
"It's not the idol."
(gently correcting her) "It -is- the idol."
"It's -not- the idol!"
"Yes it is."
"Ozzy must have put it in there. He must have the real thing."
*crickets*
"That's not the idol!"
"What is it?"
"It's a fucking -stick-!"
"I know!"
Editor's note:
It's okay that it's a stick, Eliza. He knows!
"It has a face on it, don't worry."
Editor's note:
Okay now that
is the line that always kills me. Yes, I know that everyone
and
their mother remembers this scene and remembers Eliza saying "It's a
fucking stick!!!" For most people that line will always be
the
money shot of this exchange. But to me this follow up line
("It
has a face on it, don't worry!") will always be the funniest one.
No, it's okay Eliza. I checked it out. It
has a face
on it. We're
good.
I also love Eliza (the logical lawyer)'s reaction to Jason's "it has
a face on it" argument. What??
And now? The rebuttal.
"Ozzy put it on there! He made a face on it!"
"No he didn't."
Editor's note:
Nah. No way. Now you're just talking
crazy talk., baby.
"It's -NOT- the idol!"
Jason: "Why do you say that?"
"Because -that- can't be the idol."
"Why not?"
"Because it's just a stick."
Editor's
note: And with that, I think we have finally looped back into
the
space-time continuum.
And then? The denouement.
"I know. I know."
"Do you think so?"
"I think that that's not the idol."
"Thennnnnnn... that's a bummer."
*stands up in my chair*
*starts a slow clap*
*sniffles as tears start to stream out of my eyes*
My friends Eliza and Jason. My children. Thank you
for that.
That was beautiful.
Eat me, Mario
Oh yeah. And most people forget this tacked on addendum to
the end of the scene.
Eliza asks if she should try to play it anyway
And Jason's expert legal advice?
"Yeah! Of course!"
I mean, sure. Why not? What would be the downside?
So anyway, Eliza plays it anyway. Just because there's not
much else she can do at this point.
Jeff laughs at it
Ozzy laughs at it too
Jeff tosses the stick with a face on it into the fire
"Jeff, come on! That took hours to make!"
And just like that, the stick with a stupid little face on it saga is
over
Thanks Jason
Whaaaaaaaaaat?
Eh, fuck it
And that, my friends, is what happens...
When you are beaten by a stick
Eliza
P.S. Okay I have
a great postscript for you about this entry. And it is one
that I
have been excited to share with you for a very long time.
Why have I been so excited about this one?
Well because this is something that came from Eliza herself.
Maybe the greatest human being ever
A
few weeks ago, I wrote to Eliza, and I mentioned that she was
about to have a very prominent entry on the new Funny 115.
The
reason I wrote to her is because I knew that she had been a big fan of
the original Funny 115 (she actually wrote me the very first
testimonial for it). And I figured, well if she liked the
first
one so much, maybe she would be doubly excited to know that
she
was about to wind up in the top five again on the second one.
So
I wrote to her, and I mentioned this. And I asked her if
after
she read the entry would she be willing to write a testimonial
about it.
Well not only was Eliza excited about being in the top
five, I had actually underestimated how excited she was going to be
about it. She was actually a much bigger fan of the Funny 115
than I had originally thought.
Within five minutes, she shot off
an email to me saying that YES YES YES she was excited about it.
And that YES YES YES she wanted to write another
testimonial
about it. Then she shot off another email telling me that she
wanted to talk to me on the phone. There was something she
wanted
me to know that wasn't shown on TV, and that would make the whole Jason
Siska/stick entry even funnier. She wanted to share it with
me
and put it in the entry because she knew my readers would get a kick
out of it.
So anyway, a few weeks ago I talked to Eliza on the
phone for the very first time. And she shared with me this
awesome anecdote that I get to present to you now.
From Eliza:
"The
funniest thing about the whole stick incident was what
happened
when I was going to get it out of the bag. When you saw it on
TV,
what you saw was me walking to the cave, and Jason walking down to the
beach. It looked like it was happening simultaneously.
But
what you didn't see on TV were all the camera men following me.
The minute I started walking over to the bag, the minute they
realized I was going to get my first look at the "idol", there was this
mass scramble as the entire camera crew came running over to follow me.
And this was so weird because you -never- see that when you
are
playing Survivor. You -never- see the camera men run.
It
never happens. Ever.
So here I am walking over to the bag,
and practically the entire camera crew comes running down the beach
after me. And when I saw them coming, I just stopped.
I
looked at them kind of funny, and I asked, is this for me?
Yes,
they nodded. But I'm just going to the shelter, I said.
They didn't say a word. I didn't learn until later
that the
producers had told them to do this.
Apparently the
producers had warned the camera crew that if they didn't get the
footage of me going to the bag and discovering the "idol" for the first
time, if they didn't get my reaction to seeing a stick with a face on
it on film, they were all going to be fired. Every single one
of
them. So when I finally went over to look in the bag, they
all
panicked and started running after me. I just thought you
would
think that was funny."
Yes I did, Eliza. And thank you. You are one of the
good ones. :)
P.P.S. What, you say you want to see Stickgate reenacted in
Mortal Kombat form? Well here you go!
P.P.P.S. Here is more clarification from Eliza, in case you
are interested.
"I
know people are asking why I commented on the napkin but it
was
how Ozzy had wrapped it up and it was just so stupid that Jason could
have thought a stick wrapped in a napkin was the idol."
P.P.P.P.S. Here is something else that is funny about this
scene. Watch this video on Youtube
and pay attention to Jason's voting comments. He actually
still
thinks it could be the idol, all the way up to the point that Eliza
plays it. This reminds me that I want to play poker against
Jason for money one day.
P.P.P.P.P.S. And no, I couldn't resist a farewell cameo from
Mister Disapproving Cookie Face
Eliza:
That can't be the idol, Jason. It's a fucking
cookie.
Jason:
No, it's okay. It has maltodextrin in it.
* Special thanks to nemo78 at Survivor Sucks for the CGI Brett picture
