The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#3.  It's a f*cking stick!
Fans vs Favorites - episode 9

Ah yes.  And now we are here.  

The moment that, in my opinion, is the single funniest scene of the past nine seasons of Survivor.

Got stick?

That's right, my friends.  It is time for the legendary scene involving Eliza.  And Jason Siska.  And an ugly little stick that happens to have a face on it.

It is finally time to delve into the legend of... The Fucking Stick.

Note:  This entry isn't going to be as long as some of the other entries in the top 10 because, like I pointed out, it is only one scene.  It isn't a huge character downfall, like The Fall of Jaime, and it doesn't take place over multiple episodes, like J.T's letter, or Horsemen Down.  But like I said before, if you wanted to pick -one- scene as the funniest Survivor moment between seasons 12-20, this would be the one.  If the Funny 115 were just made up of individual scenes, if I wasn't allowed to pick things like character arcs, or setups and downfalls, or Coach being a massive douchebag, Jason and Eliza and the Stick would be the #1 entry on the entire countdown.  And believe me, it wouldn't be close.


So here we go.  Perhaps the funniest scene in Survivor history that didn't involve a dead grandmother, Robb stepping on a stingray, Rudy, Judd, Coach, fafaru, or ham.

I resent all of those things

Oh yeah, that reminds me.  And a pre-emptive shout out to the one and only Eliza "The Creator of the Fuck You Face" Orlins.  Who is about to become the first (and only) player in Survivor history to make the top five on both versions of the Funny 115.

Congratulations Eliza.  Top five on both lists.  This is a prestigious honor.  You have finally hit the big time.  

I sure hope this was worth putting up with all those days of Siska, Scout, Amanda, Ozzy, and Twila.

I'm the luckiest girl alive!

Okay so here we go.

I'm not going to get too much into the backstory of how we got to the fucking stick scene, since I already did that pretty well in the Wacky Adventures of Jason Siska.  If you want to read the setup of how we got here, and who the players are, and why this scene is so ridiculous, just go back and check out the Siska entry and then come back here.  I will be waiting for you.

So will Ozzy

So anyway, here we are in episode nine of Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites.

Ozzy has created a fake immunity idol

Jason has found this fake immunity idol

And he totally buys that it is real because it has a little face on it


Side note:  Here is something else that has a little face on it.   And is also not immunity.

Same here

Mr. Cookie does not approve of such shenanigans

Jason discovers the stick with a face on it immunity idol on Exile Island.   He digs it up and he is overjoyed.   Oh, an idol with a face on it!   Oh, how lucky to have found this!  Oh, what lucky day!

He brings the idol back to camp.

Rock Star

And when he finds out that his best friend in the world, Eliza, is going to be the vote at the next Tribal Council...

... He decides that he is going to step up and be the hero here and do something to stop that.

Because that's right, universe.  I'm Jason motherfucking Siska.

That's right.  Jason is going to use his stick with a face on it immunity idol to save Eliza.

He is going to ride in on his white horse, he is going to give her the idol, and he is going to spare the life of his friend tomorrow.

Help me Obi Wan Kadorki.  You're my only hope.

So anyway, Jason goes to his friend Eliza.

He pulls her aside the night before Tribal Council.

And he mentions a little piece of info that she might find interesting.

"Did you know there are 12 areola around each human nipple?!!"

No, not that.   Let's try that again.

Here is Jason delivering his big news to Eliza.


Okay, here it is for reals.

Eliza is talking to Jason in the shelter one night, and he drops a bombshell on her

"I has a stik."

"Jason, honey?  You'll have to speak English.  I don't speak retard."

"Seriously, I have a hidden immunity idol.  I found it on Exile. You can have it before Tribal tomorrow."

And then, yes.  The act that really sells it.  

The shush.

Rest, Eliza.  I'm Jason.  Let me do all the thinking now.

Needless to say, since Eliza is 100% going home at Tribal Council tomorrow, she finds this news to be pretty exciting.

Holy crap, you mean I am going to be saved tomorrow?  You mean I am not going home now?

This might be the only time Eliza has ever smiled on Survivor

Although, of course... unbeknownst to Eliza... but knownst to us...

Uh, yeah.  The stick.

*sigh*  Why does my Prince Charming suck?

Okay so anyway, here we go.

This, my friends, is how comedy is born.

William Shakespeare would have loved this storyline.

He also would have been a big fan of Benry

With Jason now in possession of a hidden immunity idol, and Eliza now knowing that nobody in the game can do anything to vote her out tonight, she basically just chills out all day as the action winds down towards Tribal Council.  

Chillin' like a villain

She knows full well that people like Amanda and Parvati are probably going to talk shit about her behind her back all day.  She knows this because they do that all the time.  She knows this, and for one day at least, she doesn't even care.  They can talk shit all they want.

The reason she doesn't care is because she knows that Jason and his magical immunity idol are going to make her invincible tonight.

"Your hair is sparkly!"  "No your hair is sparkly!"  "Let's pee in Eliza's shoes before we vote her off tonight!"  "Yay!"  

"And then we can call her an alien!"  "Yay!"  "Double yay! Air kiss!"

Oh I will get you, my pretties.  Just you wait.

And so this is how it goes leading up to Tribal Council.

The rest of the tribe makes fun of Eliza.  They pretty much do what they always do.  In the world of Survivor history, we call this "pulling a Twila."

Meanwhile, Eliza just sits there and she plots her revenge.

I'm a sue you

And then...right before she leaves for Tribal Council... she walks over to her best friend in the world, Jason Siska.

And she asks him if she can finally get her hands on that immunity idol.

Which she will soon find out, much to her dismay, looks not unlike this

And thus the funniest scene of the past nine seasons of Survivor is born.

Eliza:  "Um, I need the idol, Jason."

Jason (cocky):  "Don't worry, we've got them right where we want them."

Eliza:  "Uh yeah... but the idol."

Jason:  "Wait until we see the look of failure on Ozzy's face tonight.  Gonna be awesome."

Finally, a little bit later, she reminds Jason that it's really getting close to Tribal Council here.  

She really needs to get ahold of that little idol now.

"Jason, I'm serious.  I really really really need that idol.  Like, right now.  They're all voting for me tonight."

"I got you covered.  Don't worry."

Note:  When Jason Siska tells you something like that?  Please worry.

Eliza just stands there and she gapes at him for a moment

"You hid the idol?  Where is it?"

(trying to sound mysterious)  "Hidden."

"But you're gonna get it, right?"

"Yeah.  Of course.  Don't worry, baby."

Note:  Again, if Jason tells you not to worry?  You should probably worry.

Although special extra credit for inserting the word "baby" into the sentence.

Eliza stands there and she just thinks about this for a moment.

She is probably going over all the variables that are going to be in play with this idol plan.

Such as this variable

"Remember Jason.  I'm trusting you."

Eliza really needs to make better choices in life

Jason, of course, knows just the right thing to say in every possible occasion.

"When Ozzy sees this tonight he's gonna be like... whaaaatttttt?"

And then?

Yes.  The famous handover scene.

Eliza finally gets a look at Jason's "hidden immunity idol."

And we finally get the payoff that we have been waiting for.

Remember, faces are not holy creatures

Eliza reaches into her bag to get the package that Jason left for her

She picks it up.  And then she unwraps it.

Hiiiiidey ho!

0.5 seconds later, Eliza officially realizes that Jason is an idiot

"This isn't it!  This is so stupid!"

"This is just a napkin!"

Then reality hits her.  There is no idol.  Jason Siska is a moron.

And with no idol, that means she is officially doomed tonight.

"Oh my God.  This isn't it."

With about 10 minutes left until they leave for Tribal Council, and no other strategy she can use tonight except "play a stick with a face on it at Tribal Council", there is only one thing Eliza can do now with her remaining few moments left in the game.

That's right.  With ten minutes to go, and her back to the wall, and nothing but a fucking stick in her hand to protect her at Tribal Council tonight, Eliza does the only thing she can at this point to keep from going insane.

She storms off down the beach

Because she wants to go yell at Siska

Eliza's more advanced version of the "Fuck You" face.  This is the "Fuck You" walk.  She is getting very versatile with this.

And here we have it.  The famous confrontation.

Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention to the following exchange.  Please follow it closely.  Please memorize the dialogue.  I will post it verbatim.

Because what you are looking at is the "Who's on First" routine for the 21st century.  This is as good as Survivor comedy gets.  One day, future vaudeville acts will pay tribute to this scene.

Are you ready for some unintentional awkward comedy galore?

Well here we go.

Eliza (angrily):  "What are you pulling?  What are you trying to pull?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going home anyhow."


"It's not the idol."

(gently correcting her)  "It -is- the idol."

"It's -not- the idol!"

"Yes it is."

"Ozzy must have put it in there.  He must have the real thing."


"That's not the idol!"

"What is it?"

"It's a fucking -stick-!"

"I know!"

Editor's note:  It's okay that it's a stick, Eliza.  He knows!

"It has a face on it, don't worry."

Editor's note:  Okay now that is the line that always kills me.  Yes, I know that everyone and their mother remembers this scene and remembers Eliza saying "It's a fucking stick!!!"  For most people that line will always be the money shot of this exchange.  But to me this follow up line ("It has a face on it, don't worry!") will always be the funniest one.  No, it's okay Eliza.  I checked it out.  It has a face on it.  We're good.

I also love Eliza (the logical lawyer)'s reaction to Jason's "it has a face on it" argument.   What??

And now?  The rebuttal.

"Ozzy put it on there!  He made a face on it!"

"No he didn't."

Editor's note:  Nah.  No way.  Now you're just talking crazy talk., baby.

"It's -NOT- the idol!"

Jason:  "Why do you say that?"

"Because -that- can't be the idol."

"Why not?"

"Because it's just a stick."

Editor's note:  And with that, I think we have finally looped back into the space-time continuum. 

And then?  The denouement.

"I know.  I know."

"Do you think so?"

"I think that that's not the idol."

"Thennnnnnn... that's a bummer."

*stands up in my chair*

*starts a slow clap*

*sniffles as tears start to stream out of my eyes*

My friends Eliza and Jason.  My children.  Thank you for that.  

That was beautiful.

Eat me, Mario

Oh yeah.  And most people forget this tacked on addendum to the end of the scene.

Eliza asks if she should try to play it anyway

And Jason's expert legal advice?

"Yeah!  Of course!"

I mean, sure.  Why not?  What would be the downside?

So anyway, Eliza plays it anyway.  Just because there's not much else she can do at this point.

Jeff laughs at it

Ozzy laughs at it too

Jeff tosses the stick with a face on it into the fire

"Jeff, come on!  That took hours to make!"

And just like that, the stick with a stupid little face on it saga is over

Thanks Jason


Eh, fuck it

And that, my friends, is what happens...

When you are beaten by a stick


P.S.  Okay I have a great postscript for you about this entry.  And it is one that I have been excited to share with you for a very long time.  

Why have I been so excited about this one?

Well because this is something that came from Eliza herself.

Maybe the greatest human being ever

A few weeks ago, I wrote to Eliza, and I mentioned that she was about to have a very prominent entry on the new Funny 115.  

The reason I wrote to her is because I knew that she had been a big fan of the original Funny 115 (she actually wrote me the very first testimonial for it).  And I figured, well if she liked the first one so much, maybe she would be doubly excited to know that she was about to wind up in the top five again on the second one.  

So I wrote to her, and I mentioned this.  And I asked her if after she read the entry would she be willing to write a testimonial about it.

Well not only was Eliza excited about being in the top five, I had actually underestimated how excited she was going to be about it.  She was actually a much bigger fan of the Funny 115 than I had originally thought.

Within five minutes, she shot off an email to me saying that YES YES YES she was excited about it.  And that YES YES YES she wanted to write another testimonial about it.  Then she shot off another email telling me that she wanted to talk to me on the phone.  There was something she wanted me to know that wasn't shown on TV, and that would make the whole Jason Siska/stick entry even funnier.  She wanted to share it with me and put it in the entry because she knew my readers would get a kick out of it.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I talked to Eliza on the phone for the very first time.  And she shared with me this awesome anecdote that I get to present to you now.

From Eliza:

"The funniest thing about the whole stick incident was what happened when I was going to get it out of the bag.  When you saw it on TV, what you saw was me walking to the cave, and Jason walking down to the beach.  It looked like it was happening simultaneously.  But what you didn't see on TV were all the camera men following me.  The minute I started walking over to the bag, the minute they realized I was going to get my first look at the "idol", there was this mass scramble as the entire camera crew came running over to follow me.  And this was so weird because you -never- see that when you are playing Survivor.  You -never- see the camera men run.  It never happens.  Ever.

So here I am walking over to the bag, and practically the entire camera crew comes running down the beach after me.  And when I saw them coming, I just stopped.  I looked at them kind of funny, and I asked, is this for me?  Yes, they nodded.  But I'm just going to the shelter, I said.  They didn't say a word.  I didn't learn until later that the producers had told them to do this.  

Apparently the producers had warned the camera crew that if they didn't get the footage of me going to the bag and discovering the "idol" for the first time, if they didn't get my reaction to seeing a stick with a face on it on film, they were all going to be fired.  Every single one of them.  So when I finally went over to look in the bag, they all panicked and started running after me.  I just thought you would think that was funny."

Yes I did, Eliza.  And thank you.  You are one of the good ones.  :)

P.P.S.  What, you say you want to see Stickgate reenacted in Mortal Kombat form?  Well here you go!

P.P.P.S.  Here is more clarification from Eliza, in case you are interested.

"I know people are asking why I commented on the napkin but it was how Ozzy had wrapped it up and it was just so stupid that Jason could have thought a stick wrapped in a napkin was the idol."

P.P.P.P.S.  Here is something else that is funny about this scene.  Watch this video on Youtube and pay attention to Jason's voting comments.  He actually still thinks it could be the idol, all the way up to the point that Eliza plays it.  This reminds me that I want to play poker against Jason for money one day.

P.P.P.P.P.S.  And no, I couldn't resist a farewell cameo from Mister Disapproving Cookie Face

Eliza:  That can't be the idol, Jason.  It's a fucking cookie.
Jason:   No, it's okay.  It has maltodextrin in it.

* Special thanks to nemo78 at Survivor Sucks for the CGI Brett picture

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