The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#34.
Todd shuts up him
China - finale
Now
this is an entry that I don't think a lot of people would have
predicted would have wound up on the Funny 115. But I don't
care,
because it always makes me laugh. In fact this is one of
those
scenes that I always point to when I talk about how awesome China is.
In
particular, I am excited for this entry because I get to include this
picture, where it looks like Todd is about 30 inches tall
"You like big strategy games, little man?"
So
anyway, without further ado, here is the scene from China where
Todd bitchslaps The Frenchman and completely stuns him into
silence.
This is one of those scenes that will go down in Survivor
history
as being legen-- wait for it--- dary.
To me, this is
one of those scenes that every single fan on the face of the Earth
should know before they go out and actually try to play
Survivor.
They should know it, and they should memorize it, because in
my
opinion, this is pretty much How You Win a Survivor Jury 101.
Like watching Da Vinci paint.
A lot* of people say that Chris Daugherty was the single best
Tribal Council performer in Survivor history.
* Or maybe I just said it
I
love Chris, of course. I love him to the point that his wife
is
actually a little bit frightened of me. But if you want to
see a
guy really tear up Tribal Council... if you want to see a true Tribal
Council bullshit artist at the top of his craft... if you want to see
the single best Tribal Council answer in 22+ seasons of Survivor, well
here you go.
It is time for the Frenchman to finally get bitchslapped.
Like watching the opposite of Amanda
It is the Survivor: China finale.
Courtney, Todd, and Amanda are now facing the jury.
Our heroes
The jury
The Frenchman
James
was the first juror to speak, and he came up and warned everybody not
to pick the apple. Sadly, it was probably a little bit too
late
for that.
Loves apples
Next up?
Well here comes juror number two.
"J.R. You're up."
Muhahaha
Sure enough, juror number two is Jean-Robert.
The Frenchman.
The fearsome assassin of the verbal word.
The Bad Boy of Poker.
The Bad Boy of Life himself.
Jean-Robert comes up and does his best Fonzie impression:
Aaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
Oh my God. Is that... The Bad Boy of Poker?!
In the flesh.
Yay! I get to talk to the Bad Boy!
Yay! We love the Bad Boy!
Amanda celebrates quietly in the dead zone
"Okay Bad Boy, what's your question?"
And now we are treated to three of the greatest Tribal Council jury
exchanges in Survivor history.
Sit back and enjoy.
"Congratulations guys."
"Thank you."
"But I got a dilemma."
"I have a real problem here."
Great. Here we go. Jean-Robert is going to start
monologuing. Same as he always does.
"From day one it hasn't been a secret that I haven't really felt like
Courtney is necessarily deserving of getting to the end."
I love this smile. Courtney grins daggers at him.
:"But I also promised Todd and I promised Amanda that if you guys
backstab me, you would not be winning a million dollars."
Todd and Amanda
"So here I am."
"Can it be anyone besides you three?"
"Okay, now I have to make a decision."
"So I gotta tell you... tonight, my vote is live. For any of
you."
And the Bad Boy's first target?
First off, he tries to attack Courtney.
"I'm asking you, Courtney. How can I, in good conscience,
give you my vote tonight?"
"The game is outwit, outlast, outplay, and I have done all three of
those things."
"And... you know... I won an immunity."
"Did you win an immunity?"
The Bad Boy
"I came from the worst odds. I was never the favorite in this
game."
"I'll give you that. Thanks. That's a good answer."
Bitchslapped
What's that?
You say we haven't had any monologuing for a couple of minutes?
Well we better take care of that. After all, Jean-Robert does
like to hear himself talk, you know.
"By the way, I started out this game with the strategy of being a
brutal jerk."
"And... I was gonna try and come around."
"But the second half of my game never came around. The second
half of my game never got into play because..."
"I was blindsided."
James rolls his eyes. Why do Jean-Robert always have to grab
the monologuing apple?
Next up on the Bad Boy's hit list?
Well next up he tries a draw blood with Amanda.
Which, you know, is kind of hard with her, you know, being undead and
all.
"Blindsided. Which brings me to... Amanda!"
Amanda
"Day twenty three, I went to you. I said, "Amanda..."
"I will not backstab you."
"At that point, you said to me "I will not be putting your name down on
a ballot."
Amanda nods, guiltily
"That's what you said to me on day twenty three."
"Day twenty four comes , my name's on a ballot."
"When you said you wouldn't write my name down, were you outright lying
to me?"
"Or did you make a commitment to me and just go back on your word?"
Doe eyes
"So what was the deal?"
Finally, Amanda takes the bait and tries to defend herself.
"I was not lying to you. And honestly, I did not want to vote
for you."
"Um, but, too many other people did."
"So
honestly it was a very very hard decision for me. Um... it's
not
one that I'm proud of, and I'm sorry for lying to you."
"So you lied to me."
"You didn't lie to me, but you did. Thanks. Good
answer, Darrah."
Nuuumb
With Courtney done and Amanda dead, that leaves just one juror left for
the Bad Boy to train his attack on.
It is now time to pick on the little man.
It is time to focus his attack... on the helpless little Todd.
"Todd."
Todd
"Day one I went to you. I said, "Todd, you know what?
You're the schemer here."
Mmmm hmmmm
"I know it. I'm onto you."
"You have the knowledge and you have the smarts."
"We had a plan, Todd. To send James home."
"The best move for all of us at that time was to get rid of James."
"In my opinion, you organizing to blindside me - yeah you blindsided
me, I'm out of the game..."
"But I wasn't the biggest threat."
He just stares at Todd, exasperated.
WHY WERE YOU SO STUPID TO GET RID OF ME TODD?!? I WASN'T EVEN
A THREAT TO YOU!
Todd just sits there with a great big shit-eating grin on his face.
Then he winds up...
And the pitch...
"You started to strategically place ideas in peoples' heads, which is
what I wanted
my
job to be."
"And when you had approached me about blindsiding James, I was like "Oh
no. He's catching up."
"So who then becomes the biggest threat to me? You."
"So then what do I have to do?"
"Turn it around on
you,
who is an extremely great strategic player
in your daily life."
"I had to get rid of my biggest strategic threat."
"Who was you."
There. Done. Suck it.
Ha
ha. I love that answer. I had to get rid of you
because you
were so awesome. Only Todd or Chris could have gotten away
with
bullshit like that.
And then of course comes the best part of the scene.
Jean-Robert has no idea how he is supposed to respond to this.
Huh
The jury peeks over curiously to see how he is going to respond
Still nothing
Everyone just sits there and stares at him in awkward silence
And then, finally...
He just closes his eyes and short circuits.
The jury starts giggling
"Um..."
"Uh... uh... guys, congratulations. Well done."
In the back row, James immediately busts out laughing.
"He
shut him up!!"
Actually,
no, that's not what James said. If you look close,
you will
notice that James either screwed up the word order, or the
subtitler did. James doesn't say "He shut him up!", he
says "He shut up him!"
James continues to laugh. Laughter continues of him.
The Bad Boy has no choice but to tuck his tail and sit back down on the
bench. He has been completely bitchslapped.
The jurors find this quite hilarious
So do the three finalists
Owned
James (still laughing): "That was a good answer!"
Still laughing. Still talking. Although at this
point, mostly unintelligible.
Now for some reason, Jeff Probst has no idea what the players are
laughing at.
Normally,
he is on the ball when it comes to something funny that is
happening at Tribal Council. Normally he is pretty much on
top of
everything.
But in this rare occurrence, Jeff has no idea what everyone is laughing
at. He actually has to ask them.
Jeff notices the laughter over among the jury members
"James, I'm confused. What are you laughing at?"
"I mean, he shut his mouth. He shut his mouth!!"
James loses it again
So does Peih Gee
Now even Todd starts laughing
And now James finishes off the scene with...
And thus ends one of the greatest single jury moments in 22 seasons of
Survivor.
Well done, little man. Well done. The Bad Boy
respects you.
So does your host
P.S. Oh yeah, and the cherry on top of the sundae?
After Jean-Robert swore early on that he would never vote for Todd to
win if Todd backstabbed him?
Well James, how about them apples?
Winner
P.P.S.
He shut up him
