The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#51.
Coach gets no respect
Heroes vs Villains - all season long
Poor Coach.
The
guy has been on two seasons of Survivor, yet all that anyone ever does
is trash him, hate on him, disrespect him, and make fun of him.
"Everybody knows Coach is a big joke!"
"Any thirty-seven year old man who thinks he's a dragon slayer belongs
in a mental institution."
"He sounds queer. I don't like 'im."
"Coach strikes me as very disrespectful to Mother Africa."
"I
believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal,
before this decade is out, of putting a man in a kayak and then talking
shit about him."
The Coach bashing
over the years has gotten so prevalent, in fact, that even the host of
the show has now officially thrown his hat into the ring and has
decided to make a sport out of it. In fact, I have already written
an entry dedicated to how Jeff Probst likes to talk shit about Coach
every chance he gets.
And that's not even another player I am writing about there.
By this point, in the spring of 2011, we even have
the
executive producer of Survivor now routinely bitch-slapping the guy.
"Hey Coach, blow me."
I tell you, life as Coach Wade is sort of like life as Rodney
Dangerfield. You don't get any respect.
It just isn't fair.
Coach has had his ass eaten by pygmies zero times
But in Heroes vs Villains, it was all supposed to be different.
Yes,
in Heroes vs Villains, Coach Wade was coming into Survivor with a new
mindset. He was coming back for his second go around on the
show
with an entirely different attitude. Because this time, he
wasn't
playing against a bunch of amateurs. This time, it wasn't him
and
then just some random inferior group of commoners. No, this
time
around, it was going to be different. This time, it was going
to
be him, The Dragon Slayer, and then lots of other elite Type A strivers
of excellence, and they would all be able to hang around and sharpen
each other. It was going to be awesome.
Soon God would even want to sharpen up against him
But
you know... sometimes there's a very large gap between "expectations"
and "reality." Because the minute Coach set foot on the beach
in
Heroes vs. Villains, the mockery started right up again. Only
this time, it was even worse than it had been in Tocantins.
This
time, the Villains went flat out medieval on him.
"Sucker!"
So
anyway, here you go. Here are my seven favorite moments of
the
Villains just flat out mocking Coach. Or disrespecting him.
Or just rolling their eyes to the camera and telling us "this
guy
is ridiculous." It started from pretty much the very first
minute
of Heroes vs. Villains, and was easily one the funniest subplots of the
season.
THE
TOP SEVEN "VILLAINS MOCKING COACH" MOMENTS
7. Courtney questions Coach's hairstyle
It's episode eight, and Courtney is casting a vote for the Dragon
Slayer.
"You're a frigging lunatic."
"I'm just glad I don't have to live with you anymore."
"... and nice feather in your hair."
6. Even Russell gets in a dig
"I'm Russell Hantz."
It's episode one, and Coach is complaining about all the mosquito bites
"I'm getting tore up, man. You know, I must have like ten
bites already."
"They like that Dragon blood."
5. Boston Rob wonders if Coach should even be in
the cast
It's episode one, and Coach has failed to climb a tree (after being
dared to do it by Boston Rob)
Coach returns back down to the sand in shame
As they all walk off into the sunset, Coach tries to sum up
his failure with a poignant Coach-ism
Coach: "From the hero to the zero."
Boston Rob hears this and can think of an even better analogy.
Boston Rob: "From the hero to the zero?"
Coach: "Yep"
Boston Rob: "From the Villain to the never-was!"
4. Boston Rob points out a flaw in Coach's stories
It's episode three, and Coach is regaling the Villains with yet another
of his many amazing true life adventure stories
"So I'm three days out, basically, from Bahia Kino, 95 degrees, hot as
hell, started throwing up."
"My gums were like bleeding a little bit, and I starting
getting these big sores on my face."
"I'm like... alright, what's this?"
Boston Rob: (interrupting) "Is this the same story
as last night?"
"Not the same story, my man."
Boston Rob: "It's startin' out awful similar."
The entire rest of the tribe: *giggling*
The Braggin' Slayer
3. Courtney questions Coach's manliness
It's episode 9, and the Villains are reading tree mail about the
upcoming immunity challenge
It is the "hold yourself up between two walls challenge" that Survivor
last did in Tocantins
Courtney remembers the comedy when Coach tried to do this challenge
during his season
"Remember you guys? Coach screamed at the end of his."
"He was like "Goo!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Goo!!!!!!!!!!"
"And then he jumped off."
"goo."
Parvati laughs out loud
2. The Villains have no respect for Dragon Chi
It's episode five, and Coach is leading the Villains in an early
morning session of Dragon Chi
"Dragon Chi is complete body control. It fuses everything
together."
Fusing it all together
Sandra doing her best to follow along
It all goes well for a while, until this part.
Coach closes his eyes and looks down, and Tyson mocks him by doing a
Mister Miyagi Crane Stance technique
Then Coach starts singing some sort of a Gregorian chant
Sandra hears this and looks up
"What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?"
Parvati sees Sandra look up and breaks a smile
Coach continues to sing
Sandra looks over at Courtney to see what she is thinking about all this
Sandra can't help it. She just loses it.
And my favorite. Number one.
1. Boston Rob won't let Coach sharpen him.
Hey look, there's Boston Rob. He's neat. Let me go
talk to him.
"Hey Rob. Sup bro. Wanna hang out?"
"No."
"Can I at least bromance on my idol?"
"No."
"Come on man. Can't we just hang out together and do stuff?"
"No."
"But I just wanna hang out and sharpen each other."
*long sigh* *deep breath*
"No, I gotta go. Bye."
"Don't sharpen me."
Awkward fist bump
"goo."
So
there you have it. Poor Coach. The guy comes into a
new
season with such high expectations, and all that happens is that
everybody shits on him. It just isn't fair.
I mean, somebody has to love the guy. There has to be somebody
out there who loves Coach and is a huge Coach supporter.
Isn't there at least one person out there
who understands why Coach is so awesome and is such an amazing Survivor
character?
"I do."
Well there you go.
Thanks Coach.
P.S.
It would have been a top 10 instead of a top 7, but the three
other moments I would have picked are all going to get
their own entry. And
yes "Coach tries to climb a tree" is one of them. In other
words, I don't want any bitchy emails about how I left out the
best quotes from that scene.
Yes,
we will hear from Sandra and Boston Bob eventually. We will
get
to that awesome scene in time. Just be patient, my friends.
"He said goo!"
P.P.S. Several people have pointed out
to me that there are even more scenes where the Villains just
mercilessly mock Coach, except you have to go to the CBS secret scenes
to find them. So anyway, here you go. Here is the
best one. Here is a funny scene where Boston Rob
makes fun of Coach and talks trash about him. In
particular, pay attention to Rob's face at the 1:45 mark. I
dare you not to laugh at that face.
