The Funny 115 - version 2.0

The one line summaries

Okay now this is a page that you weren't expecting.  But in my opinion it will be remembered as one of the funniest parts of the entire countdown.  So here we go.  Hang on to your seats.  I hope you aren't reading this in class or in a meeting at work.

A few weeks ago, somebody on Survivor Sucks made a comment that if you boiled every entry on the Funny 115 down to just one or two sentences, it would cease to be funny anymore.  And to demonstrate this he wrote "A man wears a funny hat."

Well, since this was Sucks (aka the funniest Survivor site on the internet), of course some well-meaning smart asses decided to take this concept and run with it.  So they started condensing every entry on the Funny 115 down to just one or two sentences.  And pretty soon there was a contest going where everyone was trying to come up with the funniest one-line summary of a Funny 115 entry.  And yes I was involved, and no I wasn't even coming up with most of the best ones.

In any case, here are the results of that spontaneous Survivor Sucks contest.  Out of the 200+ joke summaries that were submitted, here are my 100 favorites, ranked in order from 100-1.  

Like I said, I really hope you aren't reading this in class or in a meeting at work.  Because I guarantee you will be laughing out loud by the time we even get to #70.

With that warning in mind, here we go.  Behold the twisted minds of my readers at Sucks.

The Top 100 Funny 115 one-line summaries

Note:  I will put the answers at the bottom of the page in case you don't get all of them.  Hell I didn't even get all of them at first, and I wrote the damn entries.  Some of these are wonderfully obscure.  And yes this list includes entries from both version 1.0 and version 2.0.  See if you can identify them all.

100.  "Two brothers argue."

99. "Unintelligible man mutters something about a hyena at the Final Tribal Council, completely disrupting the mood."

98. "Man returning to play in All Stars season is not particularly thrilled to see his ex-nemesis/girlfriend also returning."

97.  "A middle-aged woman who often displays an expression of lamentation taunts and defeats an obnoxious young man with an affinity for allegedly deceased elderly individuals who enjoy television talk shows."

96. "A man wears a funny hat."

95. "An African-American male notes that dark meat is the best way to go whilst eating a meal, using the double meaning of both the food and the sexual context. His African-American compatriot, noted for showing no humour in any circumstance, busts up laughing."

94. "Rigid military man attempts to play sex game; 3 injured."

93. "Two strapping young men seek capital in exchange for two creatures of the Bovinae subfamily."

92. "Wife bullies husband into consuming various insects"

91. "Despite their proximity to the goal, two individuals bicker and quarrel over the proper angular depression of an impromptu firing apparatus for many minutes."

90. "An orchestra conductor removes his jacket in a repetitive manner."

89. "A device granting Immunity resembles an elderly contestant. To elevate the hilarity, this contestant acquires the device multiple times throughout the series."

88. "A young ragamuffin has a run-in with a wild animal of the marine variety."

87. "Much to his dismay, a man is unable to fend off an insane fire dancer, and is forced to endure many torturous instances of her hand being placed on his shoulder."

86. "A blonde woman with large breasts is very good at everything."

85. "A young, Southern girl reflects on the contrast between one man's history of having told both falsehoods and truths, while comparing him to a Biblical serpent."

84. "An overweight man discusses his strategy of placing a bird's plumage near his rear."

83. "Man admits that he has in fact thrown balls underarm at ceramic tiles, but fails to demonstrate correct basketball shooting technique when wide open."

82. "An individual confirms that there are, indeed, aquatic marine life residing in the sea."

81. "A man reveals that his inexperience in carnal relations is matched only by his ability to communicate with goats."

80. "Spiritual man discusses orifices."

79. "Obese heavy metal fan mistakes compassion for love."

78. "Latina woman is sure she'll beat her blonde nemesis on the grounds of the latter being a woman."

77. "A Semite Loving Goat Farmer entrusts to us that the elevation device of Wisconsin's Spelling Champion's house is broken."

76. "Heartwarming reconcilliation of longtime enemies gets downplayed by reality show editors."

75. "An underweight blonde proclaims that her enemy is comparable to a troll, citing that he is in need of dental care, enjoys exploring bushes and other shrubberies, and is lacking in hygiene."

74. "An elven lad attempts to imitate a large black man's profane expression of irritation."

73. "A black woman professes her amusing fears of arboreal, marine, and molluscan origin."

72. "Multiple young men awake in the wee hours of the morning, with intent to search for an item of importance. They successfully evade capture by their slumbering companion. Some time later, their companion awakes and declares that, if you are to fool her, you must awake in the wee hours of the morning."

71. "A saccharine woman expresses irritation at being disrobed with twin hand gestures that represent, among other things, an animal of the avian variety."

70. "A black man expresses anger and outrage at the output of poultry."

69. "An individual, comfortable within his core group, assures a companion that the other group shall be eradicated in a similar manner to feces."

68. "A young man remarks that his Hispanic competitor is not alone in being of the Olympians."

67. "Muscular African-American man uses a children's programming network as a substitute for a common minor curse phrase and follows up by bellowing a far more vulgar name for a female dog due to his hand lowering slightly."

66. "A Renaissance man/adventurer reveals a heartfelt poem to a group, much to his companions' bemusement."

65. "Yoga instructing sex ninja displays dual talents of lawn bowling and poultry acquisition, maintains facade of humility but rejoices in private."

64. "A brilliant Ivy League graduate is momentarily distracted by a fish."

63. "A man becomes ecstatic over the possibility of eating a relative excess of swine, and thus takes time to reflect on the inability of his Semitic comrade to partake in such a feast."

62. "Soccer Coach decides that his most beloved and treasured person is assistant Soccer Coach"

61. "An Olympian athlete does not live up to reputation."

60. "An African American male expresses to his tribe that he will not metaphorically create a certain hand gesture, while metaphorically and literally creating this certain hand gesture towards two females several seconds later."

59. "A woman makes frequent references to a deity, while proclaiming her enthusiastic approval of items of sustenance."

58. "A hobbit fails to win a reality show. Repeatedly"

57. "An enraged man accuses a female companion of his tribe of telling him that he has Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder."

56 "A woman produces evidence that another Jewish woman sucks."

55. "A brilliant man uses skills acquired in law school to avoid the sand-filled bowl-shaped depression in the earth that contains the item he seeks."

54. "Whilst pursuing rogue poultry, an individual is stopped abruptly by a clothes drying apparatus."

53. "A military legend re-asserts his heterosexuality."

52. "Despite the strict regulations of all known BSA bylaws, a Scout Master repeatedly kisses a former Boy Scout directly on the lips.  At which point the Scout Master is entreated to please cease this forbidden activity immediately."

51. "A young, attractive Texan denies all allegations that he is, in fact, a well-known chocolate sweet."

50. "Two attractive, young females express discomfort at the fact that their appearance does not grant them protections under the Americans With Disabilities Act."

49. "An individual with a background in poultry loudly proclaims, with the utilization of a minor curse word, his disgust with his current predicament, much to his companions' surprise."

48. "Much to his alliance members' dismay, an overweight goat farmer declares that he is the least valuable chess piece."

47. "Brother and sister alike feel the consequences of disobeying rules."

46. "A young man points out a particularly fine rear end to his friend, only to discover that it belongs to a kilted pirate."

45. "Despite sharing living quarters, multiple individuals are not able to recall the name of one of their companions."

44. "An individual, rumored among many for being loud and obnoxious, remains calm whilst his name is revealed on slips of paper. Much to his chagrin, his name is not properly spelled. Thus, he informs his companions that his name contains 'two Bs, gentlemen.'"

43. "A tribe of people who have been deemed heroic discuss and debate the proper manners one should have in regards to the consumption and equal distribution of fruit."

42. "A twink is digitally inserted into various Survivor scenes."

41. "A Latina points out that she, too, can raise her voice if needed."

40. "Alleged nicotine addict discovers plethora of cheeseburgers: ends with dislocated jaw and other minor injuries."

39. "Regardless of his disability, an individual with only one leg still has more legs than his companion."

38. "An effeminate young gay man fails to perform archery properly."

37. "Feline's attempts to discuss safe sex with slutty companion fail."

36. "An ex-Navy SEAL proclaims repeatedly that he is uncertain."

35. "A frail individual is unfortunately attached to a larger and more muscular individual. As a result, he sustains a head injury, though his larger companion is not empathetic."

34. "A landscaper is vexed by the fact that he resembles a famous athlete."

33. "A man is accused by a woman of potential wrong-doing; he objects, however, asserting that he is innocent by virtue of merely laying in a netted mat of ropes."

32. "One man ruminates on the better qualities of another man, despite the latter's obesity."

31. "A respected and brilliant neurosurgeon designs the ultimate method by which to procure seafood."

30. "An incest aficionado suggests using stones."

29. "Unintelligible man expresses joy in consumption of alcoholic beverages with son, but gleefully wishes that that he was consuming them accompanied with neighbor's sister."

28. "Nicotine addict displays symptoms of scoliosis."

27. "A black Spartan warrior expresses satisfaction at having consumed copious amounts of a grape-based alcoholic beverage, much to the irritating hippie owner of said beverage's dismay."

26. "A wedding videographer suggests that his tribemates gain an advantage in a challenge by pushing a block on top of a rainbow pirate's injured limb."

25. "In an argument over protein distribution, one woman declares to another woman that she will use a hand gesture on the latter ad infinitum."

24. "New England career counsellor mistakes continent for close relative."

23. "An Emmy nominated writer and actor suggests that an unbroken tile is an equivalent to his anus."

22. "The Assistant D.A of Riverside County is assaulted by a pork roast."

21. "An elderly Asian science professor discovers a citrus source."

20. "The general manager of the local Best Buy store mistakes sap for a sheep."

19. "A legendary warrior regales his compatriots with tales of an instance in which he was abducted by natives while traversing a river."

18. "Raconteur and Bon Vivant displays silent disaprobation at public theft of reptile allegory."

17. "An angry African American woman violently threatens to displace a fellow contestant until her limbs fall off spontaneously."

16. "Upon learning that he is the second-in-command to a close friend, man theorises that should he be swapped to the other tribe that the players on that tribe refer to him by the name of his close friend so that he is there in spirit."

15. "In an attempt to taunt his older competitor, a young man emits a meleagrine sound."

14. "Male nurse discovers theraputic possibilities of golden showers."

13. "Upon being eliminated from the competition, a highly unstable individual informs his former adversaries about his rapidly approaching consumption of a cocoa-based frozen dessert novelty."

12. "Oil executive and sports instructor join forces to demonstrate Archimedes principal of the lever."

11. "Nicotine enthusiast recoils in disgust after learning mobile home-dweller inspires children."

10. "In a heroic gesture, a young man offers his female friend a piece of fauna. Skeptical, his female friend declares, "Forsooth! It is merely a piece of fauna!" and thus, embarassment ensues.

9. "Homeless man attempts to expand vocabulary, doesn't quite."

8. "Military legend expresses disinterest in Pacific folklore, fails quiz"

7. "Many people insult and belittle an elderly fellow who is presumably adept at distinguishing between dehydrated stone fruits."

6. "A college professor grows ecstatic at the thought of eating herbs, so much so that he releases his excitement in a burst of sexual energy."

5. "A charming young lady says impolite things to an older lady, because of her current employement."

4. "A guy threatens to enter someone's lower-class apartment and dispose violently of the tenant."

3.  "A wedding videographer suggests that his ex-competitors give him a rimjob."

2.  "An infuriated young man laments the loss of his companion, while enjoying a country tune from aspiring singer Scout Cloud Lee."

And finally, my favorite:

1.  "Two individuals engage in unsolicitated intercourse. An argument ensues, during which one individual claims his satisfaction with his current companion can be measured on a sliding scale.

Hope you enjoyed that.  :)

100.  Colby and Reid Donaldson
99. Big Tom's final TC in Africa
98. Colby sees Jerri in All-Stars
97.  Lill suddenly becomes a bad ass
96. Colby and the fur hat
95. Nick brown prefers the dark meat
94. Frank plays "I never" (Africa)
93. Lex and Ethan barter goats
92. Helen Glover and her husband
91. The Gabon golf fight
90. Coach's jacket sling
89. The Immunity Willard
88. Robbbbb and the stingray
87. Shane and Courtney at final TC
86. Heidi
85. Jon lies but he tells the truth too
84. Tom puts a feather in his ass
83. Coach
82. Shambo says there are fish in the sea
81. Erik and the goats (China)
80. Peter Harkey
79. Billy and Candice
78. Sandra says Jon is like a girl
77. Tom says Sue's elevator doesn't go to the top
76. "Hi Colby"
75. Courtney bags on Russell
74. Todd imitates James' "Biiiiitch!"
73. Cirie is scared of everything
72. Four Horsemen and Lisi
71. Topless Sugar flips off Sandra
70. Clarence and the Chickens
69. Nate will chop em up like poop
68. Siska is godlike
67. James in the reward challenge "Aww bitch!"
66. Coach's poem
65. Danger Dave Ball
64. Greg Buis "cool flying fish!"
63. He's a Jew!  He can't eat the ham!
62. Coach's loved one visit
61. Crystal fails at everything
60. Dreamz won't point fingers
59. Amber - oh my god!  It's sooooo goooood!
58. Russell
57. Judd has ADD
56. Katie says Caryn sucks
55. Analytical Dan (Gabon)
54. Erik gets clotheslined by the clothesline
53. "I like Richard, but not in a homosexual way"
52. Burton and Lill
51. Colby aint no Hershey Bar
50. Jenna and Heidi's handicap
49. Chicken - DAYUM!
48. Big Tom declares he is the pawn
47. Those cheating Lewis kids
46. Burton points at Rupert's ass
45. Mary?  Mary who?
44. "Two B's, guys.  Two B's." - Robb
43. Banana etiquette
42. CGI Brett
41. Sandra can get loud too, what the fuck.
40. Shane's face stuffed with burgers
39. Chad has "a leg up" on Chris
38. Brandon and the flaming arrow (Africa)
37. Natalie and Parvati - final TC
36. Rudy - "I dunno"
35. Joel and Chet - "I don't care. I know."
34. Gary Hawkins-Hogeboom
33. Chris is just layin' there in the hammock
32. Richard is fat, but he's good
31. Superpole 2000
30. Debb and the rawks
29. Big Tom
28. Shane's posture
27. BobDawg drinks Courtney's wine
26. "Roll it on Rupert's toe!"
25. Alicia will always wave her finger in Kimmi's face
24. Linda and Mother Africa
23. Jonathan Penner - "My ass!"
22. Deena is taken out by the meat (Amazon)
21. Yau Man finds a lemon tree
20. John Palyok - amber/ember/Lamber
19. Coach's Amazon story
18. Parvati steals Coach's Dragon Slayer line
17. NaOnka and legless Kelly
16. Tyson the assistant coach
15. Matty's turkey gobble
14. Kathy pees on John Carroll
13. Shane's blindside
12. Russell and Coach on the see-saw
11. Danielle the motivational speaker
10. Siska and Eliza.  It's a fucking stick!
9. Dreamz and the shakwila/shaquaria
8. Rudy - "I dunno"
7. Roger's final episode (Amazon) - name that prune
6. Bob Crowley and the Gaboner
5. "Denise sucks at life"
4. Shane/Courtney and the shitty apartment
3. Randy yells "KISS MY ASS!" at final TC
2. Sarge's silent meltdown
1. Big Ted is 150-200% satisfied

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