The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#102.
Abi and R.C. - BFFs!
Philippines - episodes 1-7
Over the years on Survivor, we have seen some amazing friendships.
Richard and Rudy, two guys who shouldn't have gotten along, but did
Elisabeth and Rodger, her outback daddy
Beans and Rice
Big Tom and ham
On the flip side, we have also seen some friendships that...
Well...
Let's just say they were NOT that amazing.
Sit back, and enjoy. As we delve into an entry I like to
call, "It's probably hard to be friends with Abi."
Never promise crazy a baby
It's episode one of Survivor: Philippines. The players are
excited. Spirits are high.
And this, of course, is where we get the heartwarming introduction of
R.C. and her new best friend, Abi.
Please note all the giggling and hugging.
RC: "I'm just so happy that you're on the same tribe as me."
Abi: "I was telling everyone that you're the sexy librarian!"
It's about five minutes into the game, and the two new BFFS are already
making a final two deal with one another.
"We need to definitely stay together."
"We could win together."
Ah yes, it truly is the beginning of a wonderful friendship.
Of
course, for the circle to be complete, the two BFFs need to bring in a
pair of allies. After all, why have a two person alliance
when
you can have a much more powerful four person alliance?
And why not?
I'm sure bringing in outsiders won't cause a fissure (tm Rory) in this
friendship at all.
Who should we bring in to the alliance?
"I really like Skupin. He's done this before."
"And I like Pete. He's strong, but he's a little
bit..."
"Dumb?"
"Exactly!"
And with that, the stage is set. The die is cast.
The most painful friendship in the history of Survivor is about to play
out.
"I definitely clicked with certain people. Abi's fantastic,
and I actually trust her."
Sometimes when I'm angry I take my fist and I try to punch God in the
nards.
"Abi and I just really connect on a good level."
After pollution, I think flying monkeys that only I can see are the
biggest threat to our environment
"Hopefully this trust stays throughout the entire game."
Spoiler: It won't
Okay, so Abi and R.C. are BFFs. They know who they want in
their little foursome.
It's time to set out the bait and reel in the rest of the dream team.
First they get Pete
Then they get Skupin
Oh, just get a room
And with that, Abi and RC's alliance has lasted through an entire
episode
And then, we finally hit our first snag in the relationship.
That's right. It is now that we see those two dreaded words
that have torn apart many a great friendship on Survivor.
We finally see the dreaded words: EPISODE TWO.
Day four. When people stop being polite, and start getting real.
It's day four at Tandang, and R.C. spots a clue to a hidden immunity
idol inside a bag of rice.
Oh, sweet!
Abi happens to be standing right there, and she sees her BFF digging
around inside the bag for a clue.
R.C. tells Abi to go to the well and they can talk about what she has
found
R.C. is elated.
If we have this idol, Abi and I can be the strongest twosome
at least in our tribe.
So Abi and R.C. go to the well, and they try to decipher the immunity
clue.
So far, so good. Right?
RC: "This stays between us?"
Abi: "Of course."
And
you'd think that would be the end of it. After all, R.C. did
the
nice thing and she shared the immunity clue with her friend.
You'd think that the calm, rational, not-at-all-insane
Abi-Maria
would appreciate that.
"I shared the clue with her. And that should be proof enough
that I really trust her and no one else in this game."
Buuuuuuuuut........
Let's never forget the words of the famed Greek philosopher Laura
Boneham here.
After all, as Laura once told us in Blood vs Water:
And with that...
Let the games begin.
"It is great that RC wanted to share the idol with me."
"I was very lucky to catch her finding the clue."
"So she has no other choice."
Uh oh. Watch out R.C.
You don't want to be on the tracks when the crazy train pulls
into the
station.
At this point, R.C. has kindly shared her clue with Abi, and Abi got
mad
about it.
And now, Abi is about to get REALLY mad.
RC spends a lot of time attending to Skupin's various injuries.
Partly because she is nice, but partly because Skupin is a spaz
Artist's rendition of Michael Skupin playing Survivor
Abi sees R.C. spending all this time with Skupin and it makes her angry
"I just don't know if I can trust R.C. all the way."
"I feel that she is getting a little bit too close to Mike."
Abi comes up the beach and she demands to know what her BFF and Skupin
were talking about.
Abi doesn't buy that they were talking about something innocent, and
now the rage is starting to build.
Like a bee who is defending the hive, the neurotransmitters have been
set off.
She is starting to go into ragekill mode.
"I catch them whispering a little too much."
"I catch them switching conversations when I walk in."
"If she screws me over, that's it. She's dead to me."
Later that day, Abi storms down to the beach.
And she
confronts her BFF with her list of grievances.
Wait. What?
Abi is angry that R.C. is becoming friends with Mike.
Abi is angry that R.C. thinks of Mike as a father figure.
Abi is angry that R.C. found the clue right there in front of her.
Abi knows she is going to be angry when Peih-Gee takes her
bracelet a couple of years from now.
It all comes out.
"You and him go off together."
"And you're always whispering."
Huh?
"You two are always planning pyramid schemes together."
"You are coming up with new and creative ways to defraud investors."
Abi knows she has her BFF by the throat. I got you now, bitch.
And this is where R.C. tries to defend herself.
By doing so, she makes it a hundred times worse.
If this were a wild west saloon, it is at this point that the
cowboys would get scared and they would all dive behind the bar.
Hisssssssssss
And now, we get the most famous Abi friend quote of them all.
"I wouldn't lie to you. I haven't lied to you. And
you have no reason to think that I would lie
to you."
"I am your friend."
"But if you fuck with me, you're dead."
"Seriously, you are DONE."
"Just letting you know."
"Want to paint our nails and talk about boys and have a slumber party
now?"
So anyway, that's that. R.C. does absolutely nothing wrong,
and Abi lays into her. Which is capped off by Abi's famous "I
am your friend, but if you fuck with me you're dead" quote.
Which, I'm not a hundred percent certain, but I'm pretty sure
was not
mentioned in the theme music for the Golden Girls.
Oh yeah, and then R.C. gives us the understatement of the millenium.
"Abi can go off like that, and that really makes me nervous."
You'd think that the Abi and RC feud friendship
would come to a
head pretty soon after that. After all, the stage has been
set. R.C. is still doing R.C.
things and is still close to Mike. Abi is still off
of her
meds and is still batshit insane. You'd think that this
blessed friendship would end up erupting into bloodshed sooner or
later. But it doesn't.
Mostly cause Tandang keeps winning big black cock
But that doesn't mean the feud friendship can't
keep slowly festering
undeneath.
After all, what else are best friends for? They're there for
resentment.
I will eat your babies, R.C.
Here we go in episode three. It's time for the fireworks to
start up again. And by fireworks, of course I mean Abi.
I don't know why R.C. even bothers at this point
Abi gets mad and she accuses R.C. of plotting with Skupin against her
again.
"Abi, why do you get mad no matter what we are talking about?"
Abi responds
As any sane person would do, R.C. says "This is pointless."
And
she stands up to leave.
Abi responds
"Abi, stop this! Are you kidding me?"
What?
"Why are you always fighting?"
R.C. starts walking away, and Abi, of course, responds as any best
friend
would respond.
Jesus. This girl rivalry is starting to get ugly.
Right, Laura?
Sure enough, RC goes and she complains to Skupin that Abi is always
yelling at her.
Which, by the way, never do this around Abi. Never talk to
Skupin about anything.
"She's always fighting with me!"
Abi sees this and it sets her off again.
And what is Abi's newest method of revenge against her dearest
friend
most bitter rival?
She goes to Pete, of course
And she tells them all about the idol clue that R.C. found
"We have the clue, and we want to find it before R.C. does."
So she and Pete go back to camp, and they find the idol
And just like that, R.C. is completely undercut by her best friend yet
again
I really should have just stayed at the bank
But wait! There's more!
At
the beginning of episode four, Abi notices something strange about
R.C.'s
bag.
She notices that the clue to the hidden idol is spilling out
of it, and it is laying in the shelter right there for everyone in the
tribe to see.
The clue spilling out of R.C.'s bag
"Hey R.C., what's this coming out of your bag?"
Oh shit. What now?
It
turns out that Pete planted the clue there in an attempt to frame R.C.,
and to drive an even bigger wedge between the two best
frenemies
in the game.
And guess what? It works.
Here we go again. Here comes Abi with a shit fit.
The rage
The fury
The anger
Abi is so mad at this point that she can't even
R.C.
is essentially shell shocked at this point. She thought she
had
the game well in hand about 48 hours ago. She had
her
hand-picked four person alliance. It was all going great.
She was totally in power.
But now, after three unprovoked
attacks by Hurricane Abi, she doesn't even know which direction is up
anymore. Abi and whatever personality Abi has going today
have
combined to basically mind-fuck her.
R.C. lays there, nearly comatose on the ground
And then we get this wonderful shot of creepy Abi just staring across
the shelter as she is fantasizing about evil.
To say she has crazy eyes in this picture would be somewhat accurate.
By
the way, the creepy eyes picture above totally reminds me of my other
favorite picture of a creepy eyed Survivor psychopath.
Check
out the similarities here between Philippines and Heroes vs Villains.
At
this point, this is really it for any relationship Abi is ever going to
have with R.C. From best friends with the sexy librarian to
two
girls who aren't even on speaking terms anymore, and it barely took
more than seventy two hours. And there is a certain bit of
hilarity in it all when you realize that R.C. at no point in this entry
ever did anything wrong. She just sits there with this blank
defeated look on her face because, as they said in the Sound of Music,
how do you solve a problem like Abi-Maria?
Abi: "If you wanna keep talking to me, move on. I'm
serious."
Seriously, what the fuck is up with Brazilians??
Sure enough, R.C. is voted out the very first time she goes to Tribal
Council.
See ya!
Wonderful
R.C., it's time for you to go. You should have made more big
moves, girlfriend.
Abi glares at her as Pete makes the derpiest derp face of them all.
Hey look, clouds!
And with that, the potential mastermind of Survivor: Philippines
instead becomes the first victim of the insanity of Abi
Still room for growth
And
thus ends our tale of woe. From one of the great
friendships
in the history of Survivor, to probably the least successful of all the
great friendships in the history of mankind. Well, okay, it's
at
least tied for first with all the little kids over the years who have
been mauled by their pet pit bull. Which is actually a pretty
good metaphor for playing Survivor with Abi, if you get right down to
it. She might be your friend at first. But at some
point
down the road she is going to go crazy and she will snap and
kill
everyone. After all, it also happened in Survivor: Cambodia.
And what of our poor defeated heroine R.C.?
Whatever happened to her after she was steamrolled by Locomotive Abi?
This sucks. Survivor sucks. Fuck it, I think I'll
go make a calendar.
Any last words about this entry, Laura?
What's that? You want to change your theory?
Well what is your new theory?
Head caretaker, Overlook Hotel. 1891-present.
P.S. Here is a great quote from a Reddit user named RPSDivine:
"I
like to think that Abi hitting Skupin with the coconut was her last
fuck you to R.C. Like, she hates R.C. so much she has to try
to
concuss her ally."
P.P.S.
And of course we can't end this entry without this.
I love
when Survivors take the time to comment on my entries, and this one was
no exception:
** Thanks to
kidnifty for the Nina/Brad Culpepper picture **
