75. When Colton Met Tarzan

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#75. When Colton Met Tarzan
One World - episode 5

In the history of Survivor, there have been several good examples of an "obstacle" standing in the way of why a good strategy might not have succeeded the way that it was supposed to succeed.

For example, in Borneo, there was the fact that Dr. Sean was using his stupid alphabet strategy, and it ruined any chances the Pagongs had of ever making their comeback.

It's a good thing the Tagis don't know who I'm voting for tonight

Another good example of an annoying strategy obstacle was in Palau. When the women couldn't get an alliance together to take out Tom because...

Well...

Because tell us, Katie.

"We can't get a female alliance together because Caryn sucks."

Sucks

And then, of course, there's this famous obstacle, which prevented a whole host of actual good Survivor players from succeeding in the game.

Yes, over thirty plus seasons, there have been all sorts of weird things standing in the way of why a player's strategy might not have worked out for them.

But it wasn't until season twenty-four, and One World, that we got maybe my favorite Survivor obstacle of them all.

Because this is the season where Colton is totally flustered

By the fact that he has to try to work around

An old guy

So without further ado, let's get to the quick little storyline in One World episode five where Colton almost puts a shotgun in his mouth because he wants to vote out Monica, but Tarzan doesn't actually know who Monica is. Yet Tarzan happens to be one of his most important allies.

HER NAME IS MONICA! SHE'S THE ONE IN PINK, YOU SENILE FOOL!
JUST FUCKING WRITE DOWN THE NAME MONICA!

MONICA!!!!!!

I never thought I would say this about anything from One World, but this scene is one for the ages.

Okay. So here we go.

It's episode five of Survivor: One World. And up until now there has been one player who is the star of the show.

No, it's not Kim.

His name is Colton "The Little Bitch" Cumbie

And through the first four episodes, he has loomed over everything

Up to this point, Colton has done a good job of sticking his nose into just about every strategy that any other player has had in the game. And between that, and the idol that is hidden in his pocket, he is currently sitting very pretty.

But then, in episode five, he hears those five little words that no comfortable Survivor player ever wants to hear.

"You can drop your buffs."

And just like that, just like the Fresh Prince, Colton's world is completely flipped/turned upside down.

On the playground was where he spent most of his days

And when all the dust clears, and all the players have smashed giant eggs and wound up with paint on their bodies...

Colton has somehow wound up on one of the weakest-ass tribes in the history of the show.

The new Manonos

And this, of course, leads us to the question...

Kat vs. the Monopoly Guy: Who wore it best?

No, not that question. THIS question.

How the hell is Colton going to dominate when he's stuck on a tribe that will never win a single immunity challenge?

Oh yeah, and did I mention that Tarzan is one of the members of Colton's new Manono tribe?

Tarzan

Have I talked about Tarzan yet in this entry? Because I feel like I haven't.

Here is Tarzan, an old man who just stands there, staring aimlessly down at the ground

Here is more of Tarzan just staring aimlessly down at the ground

Here is more of Tarzan, you guessed it, just staring aimlessly down at the ground

In real life, Greg "Tarzan" Smith is a wildly rich and successful plastic surgeon, who probably has one of the highest IQs of anyone who has ever been cast on the show. However, we aren't talking about real life Tarzan here, we are talking about SURVIVOR Tarzan. And Survivor Tarzan is a little bit different.

Survivor Tarzan is pretty much just this doddering old man who has a strange way of talking, who doesn't really know what's going on half the time, and who has a tough time remembering things like what he is doing here. Or what anyone else's name is. He is pretty much the LAST person you are ever going to want to have to rely on.

Here Tarzan asks Probst why they are sitting here in a little hut, casting votes for people

On paper, of course, this sounds like a perfect pairing.

A guy who is ruthless and vicious, and who is about as diehard a strategist as the game has ever seen

And a guy who once accidentally ate his own foot

I mean, what could possibly go wrong when these two get together, right??

So the Manonos get back to camp after the switch

And Colton, per usual, immediately starts bitching about everything

"Not only did I get on a tribe with people who I don't want to be on a tribe with"

"I got on a tribe with people who SUCK!"

"The other tribe is a bunch of Greek gods. We have nobody. We can't compete with them."

Colton isn't alone in his assessment, by the way. Nearly all the Manonos know that this new tribe is going to be a complete disaster.

"Oh my god, we are going to be the laughingstock!"

However, god love him, Colton is still going to try. I mean, he might hate all these losers with a passion, and he might know that there is no way the winner of this season is ever going to come from this tribe. But god damnit, he is still going to go out there and go do Colton things, because that's what he does.

So he starts up all his old tricks again. Here he makes a pinky swear alliance with Christina.

Here he makes the devil's alliance with Alicia

Here he whines to the girls not to ever make him do any physical labor

And pretty soon, Colton is right back on top of the game like he used to be.

Say what you want about him, but the guy knows how to charm people

And right off the bat, there is one person on this tribe who he wants to target. Because she is strong. And because she has a lot of friends on that other side. And because if she ever makes it to the merge she is just going to be too darn powerful.

Her name is Monica Culpepper

And she's a neat lady

So Colton gathers together his unholy alliance (which is basically just him and Alicia), and they debate who they are going to get rid of first.

And this is where Colton first realizes that they might have to team up with the old guy.

Because he isn't sure that he can trust Christina to vote out a girl first

And so in that case, if you don't fully trust Christina, how you make up for that with an extra vote?

"We might be safer with Tarzan joining us."

Yes. Tarzan. He might want to bring in Tarzan.

You know, the senile old guy.

.

Nice pants

"I'm telling you. I'm telling you. This is our best move."

Alicia, of course, knows that she wouldn't even trust Tarzan to cook the rice. And she reacts predictably.

something something we need to ally with the crazy old guy who can't remember anything

"Nooooooooo!"

And this, of course, leads to dissension between Colton and his female counterpart.

This is our move. This is our play.

"Colton's crazy."

By the way, why exactly does Colton want Monica gone so badly, and not Christina?

I mean, Christina has friends over on the other tribe too, doesn't she? At the merge wouldn't Christina ALSO be powerful?

"We can keep Christina for a while, because she doesn't have any friends."

Well okay then. Thanks for that, Colton.

And hey buddy, fuck you too

So this is where we get to the nexus of Colton's plan. He has already roped in Alicia as his second in command. He has already decided to bring in Tarzan as a crucial ~~wacky old man Survivor variable~~ extra insurance vote. Now he just has to convince Alicia that Monica is the person that they need to vote out first.

So he does

And she agrees

Reluctantly

And with that, we are all set to head into the next immunity challenge

To recap: Has friends (left), friendless (right)

Okay, so it's the first immunity challenge after the twist.

Which is going to be a problem, considering that this a basketball challenge.

Throw it to the tall girl!

And the fact that the guy guarding the hoop for Manono is Leif.

Um, can I at least get a fucking T-shirt cannon or something?

So yeah, anyway, Manono loses.

It basically goes like this

And with that, Colton and New Manono are headed to their first Tribal Council.

And so here we go.

It's fun time.

Day fourteen starts with Tarzan doing a Tarzan thing

"Monica is going home tonight. Get ready for a blindside."

Monica and Christina look on in sorrow, not knowing that the one who actually has friends is about to go home tonight

Colton, of course, starts doing what he does best. He goes around camp to rally the votes against Monica.

Alicia starts rallying votes against Monica too, while Tarzan strategizes by wandering around and washing his underwear in the background

Tarzan being an integral part of the strategy talk, as usual

I'm sorry

And now, here comes the important scene where Colton meets up in the woods to talk strategy with his dream team.

Colton pulls aside Leif and Tarzan because he wants to talk strategy. And because Colton must be a huge fan of a website like the Funny 115.

Colton's dream team

And so here we go with the funny stuff.

"We're voting out MONICA tonight."

"MONICA."

"So it's... Monica...."

"Tell me who Monica is again?"

*sigh*

"Pink bikini."

(finally realizing) "Oh, good. Yeah yeah."

We have to get rid of her

Get rid of who?

"She's the head of the snake!"

"Do you see what I'm trying to say?"

OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK, SURVIVOR? THIS IS MY TRIBE???

Colton continues his little education lesson for a while, until he is sure that Leif and Tarzan know exactly who Monica is, and why they are voting for her tonight.

The girl in the pink is Monica. She's the neat lady who has all the friends.

The girl who will die alone and unloved and surrounded by cats is Christina. She has no friends. We DON'T want to vote for that one.

You guys got it?

So... we're doing what again?

Oh yeah, and Colton has one other last piece of advice as he finishes off the discussion with his dream team

And Leif, don't go telling everyone about the plan this time like you did last time with Bill

Bad, Leif! Bad! Bad!

And with that, Colton has now had his first experience in trying to play Survivor with Tarzan. As expected, he isn't impressed.

"Tarzan is almost like having a grandfather with Alzheimer's."

"You have to tell him something eighty-seven times."

"You just have to keep repeating and repeating and repeating..."

"Because he forgets it."

And this is where we cut to a SECOND scene. Where Colton is going over the supremely complicated plan to vote out Monica AGAIN.

Oh dear god

"Just remember..."

"Monica tonight. MONICA."

"Monica."

oh just kill me

I love this little memory reference Colton comes up with.

"Just remember... 'Monica Lewinsky'"

For some reason, this image of an intern blowing the President is what seems to do it. All of a sudden, Tarzan seems to remember what the plan is.

"Now, wait a minute..."

"Wait a minute..."

"Oh, okay. I got it. That's what we're doing."

Okay Tarzan, so you got it? So we're good?

Oh shit. He went into power save mode.

Like I said, this might be my favorite obstacle a player has ever faced in the hours leading up to Tribal Council. Colton has a perfectly good plan to vote out Monica. It checks out, it is strategically sound, he has the numbers. It should obviously work. Well, except for the fact that the whole thing hinges on Tarzan ACTUALLY REMEMBERING WHAT THE PLAN IS AND WHO MONICA IS. And at the moment, that variable in the equation is very much in doubt.

Care to comment on this, Colton?

"I really have to make sure before we go to Tribal Council he knows who to write down."

"Or he could write down..."

"Ginny."

"For all we know."

And with that, one of the most devious minds in the history of Survivor knows he is walking into trouble tonight.

Any parting words before we leave for Tribal, guys?

Yeah. Don't fuck this up, grandpa.

Wait, who's grandpa?

And so here we go. Tribal Council. Time to see if grandpa's aphasia is going to be a variable tonight.

Off they go. Off to one of the weirdest Tribal Councils I think I have ever seen.

Probst wonders gleefully if Tarzan's memory is going to make a BIG MOVE (tm)

I'm not going to recap the entire Tribal Council for you. I mean, I could, but the part where Tarzan starts talking using big words and Probst has no idea what the hell he is saying is too good to just throw in here as a throwaway joke. It is going to get its own entry later. So for now, just pretend that part of the scene doesn't exist and we will simply focus on the memory part.

Because here comes the Tribal Council where Colton nearly shits his pants at least three different times.

It's awesome.

It's especially awesome if you don't like Colton.

Here it is.

Colton keeps looking over to make sure Tarzan knows what the plan is

It's not entirely certain that he does

Oh crap

"Monica, give me your input on this new tribe."

Wait. Who the fuck's Monica??

Monica starts talking, and saying neat things

Tarzan looks over at her like he has never actually seen this person before

Colton see this and nearly craps his pants AGAIN

Then Tarzan does his speech where he starts using big nonsense words instead of regular words. And nobody (especially Probst) understands what the hell he is talking about.

Tarzan rambling

Jeff's face when he realizes that this senile old guy might also be crazy

Monica's face

Colton's face

And then here comes my favorite part of the scene.

Finally, it comes out that Tarzan has nominal aphasia. He has a medical condition where he really can't remember people's names.

He isn't just some random senile old guy. This is an actual diagnosed brain deficiency he has. It is a fact on his medical chart.

And, of course, cut to Colton for the awesome reaction shot when he hears about this.

Oh poopy

Oh poopy

Oh darn

Jeff, of course, couldn't be more excited about the fact that Tarzan has not only made a big move, but that he also just committed the show's first official HIPAA violation.

The game has evolved yet again!

Just to twist the knife into Colton a little bit deeper, Probst then asks Tarzan TO STAND UP AND ACTUALLY NAME THE OTHER SIX PEOPLE IN THE TRIBE.

I love this part.

"Well this is Alecia. That little guy is Leif..."

Tarzan does pretty well with the names. Until he gets to... guess who.

Who the hell is that girl in the pink? It is something Lewinsky?

And then, of course, we get this shot.

I swear, it's like they wrote this scene just so I could have Funny 115 reaction pics.

And then, finally...

MONICA! YOUR NAME IS MONICA!

AND THAT GUY ON THE END STARTS WITH J!

And just like that, it appears that crisis has been averted. Tarzan remembers who Monica is. Tarzan remembers what the plan is. Everything is right in the world.