Funny 115 - The Third One
When Colton Met Tarzan
One World - episode 5
In the history of Survivor, there have been several good examples of an
"obstacle" standing in the way of why a good strategy might not have
succeeded the way that it was supposed to succeed.
For example, in Borneo, there was the fact that Dr. Sean was using his
stupid alphabet strategy, and it ruined any chances the Pagongs had of
ever making their comeback.
It's a good thing the Tagis don't know who I'm voting for tonight
Another good example of an annoying strategy obstacle was in Palau.
When the women couldn't get an alliance together to take out
Because tell us, Katie.
"We can't get a female alliance together because Caryn
And then, of course, there's this famous
obstacle, which prevented a whole host of actual good Survivor players
from succeeding in the game.
Yes, over thirty plus seasons, there have been all sorts of weird
things standing in the way of why a player's strategy might not have
worked out for them.
But it wasn't until season twenty-four, and One World, that we got
maybe my favorite Survivor obstacle of them all.
Because this is the season where Colton is totally flustered
By the fact that he has to try to work around
An old guy
So without further ado, let's get to the quick
little storyline in One World episode five where Colton almost puts a
shotgun in his mouth because he wants to vote out Monica, but Tarzan
doesn't actually know who Monica is. Yet Tarzan happens to be
one of his most important allies.
HER NAME IS MONICA! SHE'S THE ONE IN PINK, YOU SENILE FOOL!
JUST FUCKING WRITE DOWN THE NAME MONICA!
I never thought I would say this about anything
from One World, but this scene is one for the ages.
Okay. So here we go.
It's episode five of Survivor: One World. And up until now
there has been one player who is the star of the show.
No, it's not Kim.
His name is Colton "The Little Bitch" Cumbie
And through the first four episodes, he has loomed over
Up to this point, Colton has done a good job of sticking his nose into
just about every strategy that any other player has had in the game.
And between that, and the idol that is hidden in his pocket,
he is currently sitting very pretty.
But then, in episode five, he hears those five little words that no
comfortable Survivor player ever wants to hear.
"You can drop your buffs."
And just like that, just like the Fresh Prince, Colton's world is
completely flipped/turned upside down.
On the playground was where he spent most of his days
And when all the dust clears, and all the players have smashed giant
eggs and wound up with paint on their bodies...
Colton has somehow wound up on one of the weakest-ass tribes in the
history of the show.
The new Manonos
And this, of course, leads us to the question...
Kat vs. the Monopoly Guy: Who wore it best?
No, not that question. THIS question.
How the hell is Colton going to dominate when he's stuck on
a tribe that will never win a single immunity challenge?
Oh yeah, and did I mention that Tarzan is one of the members of
Colton's new Manono tribe?
Have I talked about Tarzan yet in this entry? Because I feel
like I haven't.
Here is Tarzan, an old man who just stands
there, staring aimlessly down at the ground
Here is more of Tarzan just staring aimlessly down at the
Here is more of Tarzan, you guessed it, just staring
down at the ground
In real life, Greg "Tarzan" Smith is a wildly rich and successful
plastic surgeon, who probably has one of the highest IQs of anyone who
ever been cast on the show. However, we aren't talking about
real life Tarzan here, we are talking about SURVIVOR Tarzan.
And Survivor Tarzan is a little bit different.
Tarzan is pretty much just this doddering old man
who has a strange way of talking, who doesn't really know what's going
on half the time, and who has a tough time remembering things
like what he is doing here. Or what anyone else's name is.
He is pretty much the LAST person you are ever going to want
have to rely on.
Here Tarzan asks Probst why they are sitting here in a
casting votes for people
On paper, of course, this sounds like a perfect pairing.
A guy who is ruthless and vicious, and who is about as
diehard a strategist as the game has ever seen
And a guy who once accidentally ate his own foot
I mean, what could possibly go wrong when these
two get together, right??
So the Manonos get back to camp after the switch
And Colton, per usual, immediately starts bitching about
"Not only did I get on a tribe with people who I don't want
to be on a tribe with"
"I got on a tribe with people who SUCK!"
"The other tribe is a bunch of Greek gods. We have
nobody. We can't compete with them."
Colton isn't alone in his assessment, by the way. Nearly all
the Manonos know that this new tribe is going to be a complete disaster.
"Oh my god, we are going to be the laughingstock!"
However, god love him, Colton is still going to try. I mean,
he might hate all these losers with a passion, and he might know that
there is no way the winner of this season is ever going to
come from this tribe. But god damnit, he is still going to go
out there and go do Colton things, because that's what he does.
So he starts up all his old tricks again. Here he
makes a pinky swear alliance with Christina.
Here he makes the devil's alliance with Alicia
Here he whines to the girls not to ever make him do
any physical labor
And pretty soon, Colton is right back on top of the game like
he used to be.
Say what you want about him, but the guy knows how to charm
And right off the bat, there is one person on this tribe who he wants
to target. Because she is strong. And because she
has a lot of friends on that other
side. And because if she ever makes it to the merge she is
to be too darn powerful.
Her name is Monica Culpepper
And she's a neat lady
So Colton gathers together his unholy alliance (which is basically just
him and Alicia), and they debate who they are going to get rid
And this is where Colton first realizes that they might have to team up
with the old guy.
Because he isn't sure that he can trust Christina to vote
out a girl first
And so in that case, if you don't fully trust Christina, how you make
up for that with an extra vote?
"We might be safer with Tarzan joining us."
Yes. Tarzan. He might want to bring in Tarzan.
You know, the senile old guy.
"I'm telling you. I'm telling you. This
is our best move."
Alicia, of course, knows that she wouldn't even trust Tarzan to cook
the rice. And she reacts predictably.
something something we need to ally with the crazy old guy who
can't remember anything
And this, of course, leads to dissension between Colton and his
This is our move. This is our play.
By the way, why exactly does Colton want Monica gone so badly, and not
I mean, Christina has friends over on the other
tribe too, doesn't she? At the merge wouldn't Christina ALSO
"We can keep Christina for a while, because she doesn't have
Well okay then. Thanks for that, Colton.
And hey buddy, fuck you too
So this is where we get to the nexus of Colton's plan. He has
already roped in Alicia as his second in command. He has
already decided to bring in Tarzan as a crucial
wacky old man
variable extra insurance vote. Now he just has to
that Monica is the person that they need to vote out first.
So he does
And she agrees
And with that, we are all set to head into the next immunity challenge
To recap: Has friends (left), friendless (right)
Okay, so it's the first immunity challenge after the twist.
Which is going to be a problem, considering that this a basketball
Throw it to the tall girl!
And the fact that the guy guarding the hoop for Manono is Leif.
Um, can I at least get a fucking T-shirt cannon or something?
So yeah, anyway, Manono loses.
It basically goes like this
And with that, Colton and New Manono are headed to their first Tribal
And so here we go.
It's fun time.
Day fourteen starts with Tarzan doing a Tarzan thing
"Monica is going home tonight. Get ready for a
Monica and Christina look on in sorrow, not knowing that the
one who actually has friends is about to go home tonight
Colton, of course, starts doing what he does best. He goes
around camp to rally the votes against Monica.
Alicia starts rallying votes against Monica too, while
Tarzan strategizes by wandering around and washing his underwear in the
Tarzan being an integral part of the strategy talk, as usual
And now, here comes the important scene where Colton meets up in the
woods to talk strategy with his dream team.
pulls aside Leif and Tarzan because he wants to talk strategy.
And because Colton must be a huge fan of a website like the
Colton's dream team
And so here we go with the funny stuff.
"We're voting out MONICA tonight."
"So it's... Monica...."
"Tell me who Monica is again?"
(finally realizing) "Oh, good. Yeah yeah."
We have to get rid of her
Get rid of who?
"She's the head of the snake!"
"Do you see what I'm trying to say?"
OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK, SURVIVOR? THIS
IS MY TRIBE???
continues his little education lesson for a while, until he is sure
that Leif and Tarzan know exactly who Monica is, and why they are
voting for her tonight.
The girl in the pink is Monica. She's the
neat lady who has all the friends.
girl who will die alone and unloved and surrounded by cats is
Christina. She has no friends. We DON'T want to
You guys got it?
So... we're doing what again?
Oh yeah, and Colton has one other last piece of advice as he finishes
off the discussion with his dream team
And Leif, don't go telling everyone about the plan this time
like you did last time with Bill
Bad, Leif! Bad! Bad!
And with that, Colton has now had his first experience in
trying to play Survivor with Tarzan. As expected, he isn't
"Tarzan is almost like having a grandfather with Alzheimer's
"You have to tell him something eighty-seven times."
"You just have to keep repeating and repeating and
"Because he forgets it."
And this is where we cut to a SECOND scene.
Where Colton is going over the supremely complicated plan to
out Monica AGAIN.
Oh dear god
"Monica tonight. MONICA."
oh just kill me
I love this little memory reference Colton comes up with.
"Just remember... 'Monica Lewinsky'"
For some reason, this image of an intern blowing the
President is what seems to do it. All of a sudden, Tarzan
to remember what the plan is.
"Now, wait a minute..."
"Wait a minute..."
"Oh, okay. I got it. That's what we're
Okay Tarzan, so you got it? So we're good?
Oh shit. He went into power save mode.
Like I said, this might be my favorite obstacle a player has ever faced
in the hours leading up to Tribal Council. Colton has a
good plan to vote out Monica. It checks out, it is
sound, he has the numbers. It should obviously work.
except for the fact that the whole thing hinges on Tarzan ACTUALLY
REMEMBERING WHAT THE PLAN IS AND WHO MONICA IS. And at the
moment, that variable in the equation is very much in doubt.
Care to comment on this, Colton?
"I really have to make sure before we go to Tribal Council
he knows who
to write down."
"Or he could write down..."
"For all we know."
And with that, one of the most devious minds in the history of Survivor
knows he is walking into trouble tonight.
Any parting words before we leave for Tribal, guys?
Yeah. Don't fuck this up, grandpa.
Wait, who's grandpa?
And so here we go. Tribal Council. Time to see if
grandpa's aphasia is going to be a variable tonight.
Off they go. Off to one of the weirdest Tribal
Councils I think I have ever seen.
Probst wonders gleefully if Tarzan's memory is going to make
a BIG MOVE (tm)
not going to recap the entire Tribal Council for you. I mean,
could, but the part where Tarzan starts talking using big words and
Probst has no idea what the hell he is saying is too good to just throw
in here as a throwaway joke. It is going to get its own entry
later. So for now, just pretend that part of the scene
exist and we will simply focus on the memory part.
Because here comes the Tribal Council where Colton nearly shits his
pants at least three different times.
It's especially awesome if you don't like Colton.
Here it is.
Colton keeps looking over to make sure Tarzan knows what the
It's not entirely certain that he does
"Monica, give me your input on this new tribe
Wait. Who the fuck's Monica??
Monica starts talking, and saying neat things
Tarzan looks over at her like he has never actually seen
this person before
Colton see this and nearly craps his pants AGAIN
Tarzan does his speech where he starts using big nonsense
instead of regular words. And nobody (especially Probst)
understands what the hell he is talking about.
Jeff's face when he realizes that this senile old guy might
also be crazy
And then here comes my favorite part of the scene.
it comes out that Tarzan has nominal aphasia. He has a
condition where he really can't remember people's names.
He isn't just some random senile old guy. This is
an actual diagnosed brain deficiency he has.
It is a fact on his medical chart.
And, of course, cut to Colton for the awesome reaction shot when he
hears about this.
Jeff, of course, couldn't be more excited about the fact that Tarzan
has not only made a big move, but that he also just committed the
show's first official HIPAA violation.
The game has evolved yet again!
Just to twist the knife into Colton a little bit deeper, Probst then
asks Tarzan TO STAND UP AND ACTUALLY NAME THE OTHER SIX PEOPLE IN THE
I love this part.
"Well this is Alecia. That little guy is Leif..."
Tarzan does pretty well with the names. Until he gets to...
Who the hell is that girl in the pink? It is
And then, of course, we get this shot.
I swear, it's like they wrote this scene just so I could have Funny 115
And then, finally...
MONICA! YOUR NAME IS MONICA!
AND THAT GUY ON THE END STARTS WITH J!
And just like that, it appears that crisis has been averted.
Tarzan remembers who Monica is. Tarzan remembers
plan is. Everything is right in the world.
Colton gives him one last little memory jog before they go up and vote
Yes. I. Must. Kill.
And finally, mercifully, we get to the vote.
Where Tarzan walks up to the podium...
He opens the parchment...
And he votes for...
Colton can only sit there in terror as Probst goes up to tally the
And now, finally. The moment of truth.
"The person voted out must go home to their friends
"Unless it's you, Christina. If it's you, you can
go right home to your cats."
The first two votes come up, and they are for Tarzan.
That's old guy with two votes. Everyone else with zero.
And now comes Tarzan's mystery aphasia vote.
AND OH SHIT, COLTON WAS RIGHT! HE VOTED FOR GINNY!
Just kidding. It turns out that Tarzan did remember the plan
after all. And he voted for Monica.
And with that, the Monica votes come rolling in.
And at the end of the day, a neat lady is pissed.
Watch me ever go antiquing with you motherfuckers
And just like that... Colton has won, Monica has lost, Tarzan has
retained any sense of dignity he might still have, and Survivor: One
World goes on.
Winner winner senile old chicken dinner
Which finally leads us to the question we have
been curious about all along...
Does Christina actually have friends?
P.S. I know this is insensitive when you are talking about
Tarzan... but never forget.
P.P.S. I couldn't find a way to work this into the
entry, but here is a second bonus one on top of the Kat one.
George W. Bush vs. Leif: Who wore it best?
** Thanks to Cory Gage
for the "you can sit down" gif, and to Moe Goldberg for some
of the photoshops **