The Funny 115 - The Third One

#76. Vince and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Microaggression Day
Worlds Apart - episodes 1 and 2

If you're a long time reader of the Funny 115, you have probably figured out by now that one of my favorite things that can happen in a Survivor season is when you wind up with two players in a one-sided feud.  

And just what is a one-sided feud?

A one-sided feud is where one person hates another player with a passion

While the second player isn't even aware there is a feud going on

I had a lot of fun with the Shambo-Laura non-feud back on version 2 of the Funny 115, and it wound up being one of my more popular entries.  And that's good.   Because it turns out that, in Worlds Apart, there was an even MORE ridiculous one-sided feud that I am excited that I now get to write about.  

Fuck, man, you don't even acknowledge that my SSN is a prime number

And hey, guess what, somehow it managed to involve this weirdo.

I seek truth.  I am a seer of real.

How much do I love Vince Sly as a Survivor character?  How much do I love the guy who was arguably the greatest coconut vendor in the history of the show?  Well let me put it this way.  He was only in two episodes of Worlds Apart.  He was only on screen for about twenty minutes.  Yet he is going to have two full entries on the Funny 115 (this one, and then a character entry later).  And then on top of that, he was already a major figure in Jenn Brown's character entry.  

I mean, think about that for a second.  The guy was on screen for less than half an hour.  He probably had less airtime than Jonny Fairplay had in Micronesia.  Yet he is going to star in nearly THREE major entries on the Funny 115.  What other two episode character have you ever been able to say that about?  And no, put your hand down, Coach.  I'm not talking about you.

The original Vince

Okay, without further ado, let's get to one of those entries that I was super excited to write about when I first sat down to put together this countdown.

Let's talk about the "feud" between Vince and Joe in Worlds Apart.

Where Vince spends every waking minute being obsessed with Joe, and plotting his downfall


And while all this is going on, I'm not even sure that Joe notices.

Okay, so here we go.  We're in episode one of Worlds Apart.  

And here comes one of the goofiest-ass tribes in the history of Survivor, the infamous No Collars.

The No Collars (and Will)

The No Collars are fun.  They're free spirited.

They love everyone

Most importantly, this is a group of people who never have conflict

As Will points out in the opening scene, we No Collars aren't like most people.  We don't ever get angry.  No Collars just let the negativity flow right over them.

And there, right at the heart of the No Collars, are the two alpha males.  Who will (in Vince's mind) be butting heads by the end of the episode.

There's Joey Amazing, who is popular and well liked, and who is awesome at everything


So let's go to their first day at camp.  Let's watch how quickly this whole thing develops.

Let's see what happens when a No Collar like Vince "lets everything drop."  And how he always "lets the negativity flow right over him."

We're on day one at the No Collar camp, and everyone is happy

Everyone here is pleasant.  Everyone gets along.

Aside from Nina having her daily breakdown, the No Collar camp seems like an entirely pleasant place that is full of human compassion

Jenn (the most no collar of the No Collars) is so happy here that she even takes a moment to comment on how much she loves the whole vibe around camp.

"Everything's going great, we're meshing and flowing smoother than hot butter."

And this, of course, is when the Vince story starts.

You know, as a seer of real, I really like when that blonde girl bends over like that

And then our young feathered warrior fires the first salvo.

"I love it here!  I just want to kiss everyone!"


And from this point on, Vince and Jenn are essentially a (one-sided) couple.

"I think Jenn is wonderful."

Vince takes a moment to pull Jenn aside that morning during chores.   Partly because he wants to talk to her, but also partially because he wants to hug her and smell her hair and get all up in her and so he can tell her how wonderful she is.

As a coconut vendor, I seek surfer girl tits

Are you serious, man?

Vince then goes for the hard on sell on why the two of them need to stick together and make an alliance, and make babies.

"With our spirit and intelligence we really could make it all the way."

"I think we have a kindred spirit."

Then he does that Vince thing where he gets really close to you and he just stares at you.

Trust me, Jenn.  You do want to put the lotion in that basket.

And by the end of the morning, his mission is complete.  He has scored his first conquest friendship.

"If you create friendships the way that I do, it's really hard to break a bond."

"When I want something, I get it."

Alright then.  Fair enough.  So Vince has his first friendship.  

And now he is going to make his first enemy.

I guess we didn't hear the part about how, aside from truth, coconut vendors also seek balance.

Back at camp, Vince decides to work with Joey Amazing on building their shelter

Vince shows Joe how you are supposed to put up a support beam

"As a coconut vendor, I seek cuts that are non-orthogonal"

Annnnnnnd, that's where the problem starts.

"Vince said he wanted to do the shelter a certain way"

"And I said hey man, whatever you want to do, you know"

"Very no collar of me."

And... my god.  

Even though Joe had worked in construction before, even though Joe had actually built things like this for a living and been paid for it before, and Vince hadn't, JOE TOLD VINCE EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR AND THEN HE JUST WENT OFF AND BUILT THE SHELTER THE CORRECT WAY ON HIS OWN ANYWAY.

Mother of god.

Joe didn't listen to Vince.

That fiend.

Joe goes off and builds the shelter correctly on his own


And just like that, bam.  We now have a feud.

Joe finishes up the shelter.  It looks good.  Everyone will be able to sleep soundly tonight and no one will get wet.


Vince goes and he questions Joe why it had to be built that way

"I just wanna get a roof on, man," says Joe.  "That's all I want."

Vince hears a microaggression there that Joe somehow just insulted his mother

"Vince, if we do it your way, it's a lot more work."

That bastard just questioned why I only drink unicorn milk

Hey Vince, you want to help me shore up this beam?

Now this little punk is openly mocking my commitment to Syria

And if you have ever wondered how a one-sided feud begins, well, now you know.

I think our shelter looks pretty good

I think Joe is evil and needs to roast in hell

Now Vince makes it his mission that the guy who built their shelter needs to go down.

"Watching Joe bulldoze projects, and wanna do it his way, and only his way.  It's run a huge red flag."

"We are the no collar tribe, we need collaboration."

"If we don't have that, it's gonna be a problem."

Oh, it's going to be a problem, all right.

You didn't collaborate with me.  You people don't even DESERVE a coconut.


Okay, so it's now day two.  

The feud between Vince and nobody Joe is about to intensify even further.

Because on day two, we learn that Joey Amazing can make fire

He is one of those rare people who can actually make fire without a flint

And oh lord is this going to be an issue

Joe sits there and does his Joey Amazing thing where he happens to be good at everything

And Jenn sits there and admires how Joe is just, like, you know, awesome and stuff

Jenn walks over and she delivers Joe's fire making materials to him with a little flourish and a bow.  As you do.

"Here you go, my sweet prince"

"Thank you princess"

Oh, you.  Please stop.

And this angers Vince because...


So now the Holy War starts to REALLY heat up.  

Watch as Vince takes to a confessional to air out his aggression at Joe.

"I already have something going on with Jenn."

"But it seems she wants to ride the wave that Joe's making."

"That worries me because I don't trust him."

And then watch as Joe responds with a vicious barb of his own.

"This game means the world to me.  I have been such a huge fan my whole life.  Survivor is awesome."

Jenn even weighs in now about how Joe is awesome, and tall, and muscular.  And how he is so hot that he belongs on the cover of a romance novel.

He also doesn't insist on doing strategy talks two inches from my face.  So that's a big plus.

And oh boy.   Just like in the novel The Stand, This Harold-Frannie-Stu love triangle is about to spin out of control.

"Excuse me sir, would you like some help blowing on your firewood?"

Why yes, principessa, I would

And then, finally, things come to a head when Joe directly insults Vince by calling him out.  And by "calling him out" I mean Joe starts a fire and it makes everyone happy.

Joe starts a fire!

Yay!  We love Joe!

Joey Amazing is the greatest!

And here is where the war of words starts up again.

"This was the best feeling in the whole world.  Starting the fire."

Starting a fire just to humiliate me.  Shots fired, my adversary.  Shots fired.

You know what else I really like?  I like bananas.  Bananas are yummy and soft.

Okay now this guy is out of control

Vince is so incensed at how good Joe is at everything, and how Joe is starting to move in on his bird, that he immediately drags Jenn off to the woods so he can "explore their relationship."  And really feel out "who she is as an individual."

Vince marches Jenn off into the woods so he can give her a talking to

"Can I ask you a real real human question?", says the guy who is wearing a turkey feather

"Do you feel more of a connection to Joe?"

"Or to me?"

Choose wisely

Naturally, there is only one way that Jenn can respond to this.

Jenn protests that Vince is completely misreading things.

"Um, I'm not playing the flirt game."

"You're not attracted to him?"


"Not even a little?"

Eventually, Jenn convinces him that her alliance is still a final two with Vince.  Not Joe.  Vince.

I'm with you, dude.  You're my alliance.

"You still want that?"


At the end of the day, Jenn ensures him that she is still on board with him.  And that she has no feelings for Joe.  And that she doesn't mind being close-talked from three inches away.  In fact, it is quite pleasant.

So they hug it out

For a while

In Vince world, all hugs must last for a minimum of nine minutes

And that's that.

Although in a confessional, he tells us that he still wants to wring that little shit Joe's neck

I will destroy him.  And that's seeing real.

Okay, moving on.

Time for the first Worlds Apart immunity challenge.

This is where Joe REALLY decides to go all-in on pissing off Vince.

Because you know how Vince tries to open the locks for the No Collars?

And he fails?

Well guess who gets called in to save the day?  And to clean up after Vince shits the bed?

"The No Collars are subbing in Joe!  That's a big move!  Blindside blindside big move!!!"

And here comes our hero!  It's Joey Amazing!

So Vince has to stand there and watch as Joe finishes the challenge for him

I can't believe Joe would mock me like that

Joe, of course, turns out to be the hero

Not once, but twice.

Because later in the challenge, he comes in and he rescues a second person.  He comes in and rescues Jenn.

I love this shot.  Hali says, um, Joe?  Can you go in and save us again?


And so here comes Joey Amazing in a dramatic entrance

Although, as a side note, I should point out that Joe's entrance isn't half as awesome as Max's entrance is over on the White Collars.

Like a boss

In any case, Joe solves the puzzle in about fifteen seconds.  

I'm Joey Amazing, mufugga

And for about the fifth time today, he is the hero of the tribe

Even Probst comes over to call it a big move and to rave about how incredible Joey Amazing is.

Wow, this guy is so much better than Vince!

And just like that...

Joe solves the puzzle...

While crapping directly on Vince.

Yay Joe!

And with that, episode one of the feud has ended.  

A feud that Joe isn't even aware exists yet.



Okay, so the second episode.  We'll call this episode "Vince's Last Stand."

This episode starts off the exact same way the last one did.  

With the No Collars at camp, and Joe throwing an incredible amount of shade at Vince.

Here Joe throws shade at Vince by sharing coconut with Hali

Here he enrages Vince by drinking water

And now, finally, Vince reaches the point of maniacal rage.

When Joe goes out and catches crabs for lunch

And it makes everyone happy


And with that, this clash of the titans has reached its last, and most violent stage.

As Vince goes out to catch crabs.  Just to prove that he can, too.

He even drags poor Nina out with him, just so he can air all his grievances to someone

Vince pulls Nina aside, and he lets loose his rage.

"I do work too!  And nobody notices!"

"I said I do work too!  And they're putting it all on Joe!"

Vince then takes to a confessional one last time, to explain how something is going to have to be done about this.

"I probably work harder than anybody on the no collar tribe."

"But from camp, it's all about Joe."


"I was young once too.  I'm thirty-two now."  

"Joe's kind of that center of attention kind of guy  And... it's pissing me off."

And here's where the irresistible force finally meets the immovable uninterested object.

Vince sees Joe throwing even more shade at him.  And by shade I mean, Joe is bringing back some driftwood.

Deep breaths, cupcake.  It's go time.


Rock and roller Cola Wars, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

Vince confronts his mortal enemy right there by the shelter.  For the first time in Worlds Apart, Superman and Lex Luthor some guy who doesn't know Superman finally have their showdown.



Vince demands that Joe start to show him a little attention around camp.  He demands that Joe start acknowledging that Vince does work around camp too.

Jenn and Joe looked on in mute amazement.  What the fuck is this all about now?

I do work too.  You need to respect me.

Vince gets right up tight so he that he and Joe can close-talk

Vince continues his tirade for some time.  As Joe basically just stands there and listens with his mouth open.  Which probably enrages Vince even more, because he feels like Joe is trying to rope-a-dope him.

You don't stand close enough to me when you talk.  And your hugs are too short.

Hugs should be ten seconds minimum, friend.  TEN SECONDS!


You don't seek truth, Joe.  You will never seek truth.

Joe, of course, snaps right back at Vince by unleashing a stream of obscenities of his own.

"I feel like we're good, man."

Oh you'd like to think that.  I bet you'd love that.  But I don't see real in you.

As a coconut vendor, I seek penitence.

Vince again goes on about how Joe steamrolled him during the building of the shelter.  And how Joe never gives pretty ribbons to put in his hair like he gives to Jenn and Hali.


And then, for maybe the first time in six days on No Collar Beach, Joe actually says something that a reasonable person could interpret as an insult.

Brace yourself.  This comeback is pretty rough.

"I just feel like the things I do are just more efficient."

Oh snap.  

And with that, Vince has reached the point of pissedtivity (tm NaOnka).  And now there is no looking back.

Hali looks on in boredom.  Oh goody.  Here goes the Feather Guy again.

Do your happy dance.  Do the happy dance.

Finally, Vince comes back with...

"I just need you to acknowledge that you steamroll projects."

"I mean, of course there are times when I've gone against what you thought."

I love this little dramatic pause here.

"... So you acknowledge that."

Joe admits that yes, he does acknowledge that.  Also, what were we talking about again?

And then Vince wraps up the conversation with his arch enemy as nice as he can.

"Are we actually moving forwards, past the bullshit?"

"Because I want it to work. I really do."

Joe promises that yes, we are indeed moving away from the bullshit

However, Vince, as a seer of real, doesn't believe this

Afterwards, the two combatants retreat to their respective corners.  Where they are free to start throwing insults at one another once again.

I caught a fish today.  Wasn't that great?

Care to rebut, Vince?


"Joe said all the right things.  And I wanna believe him."

"But here's the thing.  In my every day life, I'm surrounded by people who I can have a comfortable, loving embrace with them."

"Ten seconds.  Of beauty.  Bliss.  Peace."

Mmm, this water is good

"But with Joe, I just don't feel that.  I just don't."

And with that, the two armies prepare for the immunity challenge.  And they prepare for battle.

Vince plays aggressively by roping in Nina and Will.  Who are clearly the two you want on your side when it comes to a holy war.


Joe, on the other hand, prepares for battle by hunting for crabs.  Because crabs are yummy, and because they are fun to catch.

Joe's strategy talk


And Jenn, of course, sums it up best.  By pointing out that it isn't fun at camp right now because Vince is actually batshit crazy.

"Vince is gonna do something off the wall nuts that'll just screw up everything for this tribe."

And with that, we head into the episode two immunity challenge.

Where the No Collars...



And with that, it looks like the big Vince vs. Joe holy war is going to go down tonight.

Vince sure is ready for it

Joey Amazing, are you?

And this is where Vince gives one of my absolute favorite quotes on this entire countdown.  

Where he explains to us that World War III is about to go down.  

Between him and some guy who I'm not sure even knows what Vince's first name is.

"Tonight somebody's gonna go home."

"And where Joe and I stand, as of right now..."

"It really is cold war, with missiles pointed."

"I mean, we're ready to start firing away."

"And it's gonna get crazy."

Speaking of firing away, that's exactly what happens when the No Collars get back to camp.

Vince arms his missiles by talking to Nina and Will

Joe arms his missiles by playing with this leaf

Vince shores up his arsenal by pointing out that Joe is the devil

Joe shores up his arsenal by waging a courageous battle against this rice

And then, right before Tribal Council, two things happen that will one day alter the course of Survivor holy wars everywhere.

First, Jenn suggests that maybe they just vote out that piece of shit Vince, just because he annoys everyone

Fuck that, I'm not being a part of no more ten minute hugs

And second, Will finds out that Vince has concerns that Will might not actually last that long in this game.  Because of his health.

Nina spills the beans that Vince has concerns about wanting Will as an ally

That feeling when other people think you're a dead fish

Will, of course, responds very predictably to this.

By letting the negativity "flow right over him and off his back."


Uh oh.  Did Will just turn on me?

And that's how we wind up with a Tribal Council like this.

Where Vince comes in against his enemy, guns blazing.  And I'm not sure if Joe is even aware of it.

And then we end one of the greatest one-sided non-feud feuds in Survivor history.

With Vince being blindsided

Because he pissed off Will

And meanwhile the two main combatants don't even vote for each other.

And that, my friends, is how you don't want your story to go if it is all based on a rivalry.

whomp whomp

whomp whomp

whomp whomp

Any last words about this one, Joe?

Oh hey, that Vince guy is gone.  That's too bad.  He was kind of cool.

Any last words about this one, Hali?

Any last words about this one, Jenn?

Eh, whatever.  Fuck it.

And any last words about this one, Vince?

Yes.  It turns out that I was just way too noble for this game.  I cannot exist around people who gather wood and hug evilly.

Oh, and also, Joe sucks

P.S.  A reader named Leann Lindsley sent in this picture:  "I love the screen shot in your Jenn B entry where Vince and Joe are standing in the background.  Vince is all aggressively up in Joe's personal space, with his chin pointed out and everything. Their body language is hysterical.  It's just perfect."


P.P.S.  From a reader named "dkljdkkafdlkfdkjd" on Reddit:

P.P.P.S.  And, of course, I have to end with this one.  

** Special thanks to Taylor Martina for the Brad Culpepper/Match Game picture idea **

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