The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#76.
Vince and the Terrible, Horrible, No
Good, Microaggression Day
Worlds Apart - episodes 1 and 2
If you're a long time reader of the
Funny 115, you have probably figured out by now that one of my favorite
things that can happen in a Survivor season is when you wind up with
two players in a
one-sided feud.
And just what is a one-sided feud?
A one-sided feud is where one person hates another player with a passion
While the second player isn't even aware there is a feud going
on
I had a lot of fun with the
Shambo-Laura non-feud
back on version 2 of the Funny 115, and it wound up being one of my
more popular entries. And that's good. Because it
turns
out that, in
Worlds Apart, there was an even MORE ridiculous one-sided feud
that I am excited that I now get to write about.
Fuck, man, you don't even acknowledge that my SSN is a prime number
And hey, guess what, somehow it managed to involve this weirdo.
I seek truth. I am a seer of real.
How
much do I love Vince Sly as a Survivor character? How much do
I love the guy who was arguably the greatest coconut vendor in the
history of the show? Well let me put
it this way. He was only in two episodes of Worlds Apart.
He was only on screen for about twenty minutes. Yet
he is
going to have two full entries on the Funny 115 (this one, and then a
character entry later). And then on top of that, he was
already a
major figure in Jenn
Brown's character entry.
I
mean, think about that for a second. The guy was on
screen
for less than half an hour. He probably had less airtime than
Jonny Fairplay had in Micronesia. Yet he is going to star in
nearly
THREE major entries on the Funny 115. What other two episode
character have you ever been able to say that about? And no,
put your hand down,
Coach. I'm not talking about you.
The original Vince
Okay,
without further ado, let's get to one of those entries that I was super
excited to write about when I first sat down to put together this
countdown.
Let's talk about the "feud" between Vince and Joe in Worlds Apart.
Where Vince spends every waking minute
being obsessed with Joe, and plotting his downfall
Joe Anglim is the devil. AND THE DEVIL MUST BE
STOPPED! THE DEVIL MUST BE STOPPED!!
And while all this is going on, I'm not even sure that Joe notices.
Okay, so here we go. We're in episode one of Worlds Apart.
And here comes one of the goofiest-ass tribes in the history of
Survivor, the infamous No Collars.
The No Collars (and Will)
The No Collars are fun. They're free spirited.
They love everyone
Most importantly, this is a group of people who never have
conflict
As
Will points out in the opening scene, we No Collars aren't like most
people. We don't ever get angry. No Collars just
let the
negativity flow right over them.
And
there, right at the heart of the No Collars, are the two alpha
males. Who will (in Vince's mind) be butting heads by the end
of
the episode.
There's Joey Amazing, who is popular and well liked, and who
is awesome at everything
And there's Vince, who FUCK YOU JOE YOU WILL DIE BY MY SWORD
AND THE SEA WILL RUN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD
So let's go to their first day at camp. Let's watch how
quickly this whole thing develops.
Let's see what happens when a No Collar like
Vince "lets everything drop." And how he always
"lets the
negativity flow right over him."
We're on day one at the No Collar camp, and
everyone is happy
Everyone here is pleasant. Everyone gets along.
Aside from Nina having her daily breakdown, the No Collar
camp seems like an entirely pleasant place that
is full of human compassion
Jenn (the most no collar of the No Collars) is so happy here that she
even takes a moment to comment on how much she loves the whole vibe
around camp.
"Everything's going great, we're meshing and flowing
smoother than hot butter."
And this, of course, is when the Vince story starts.
You know, as a seer of real, I really like when that blonde
girl bends over like that
And then our young feathered warrior fires the first salvo.
"I love it here! I just want to kiss everyone!"
BUT MOSTLY ME, RIGHT?
And from this point on, Vince and Jenn are essentially a (one-sided)
couple.
"I think Jenn is wonderful."
Vince takes a moment to pull Jenn aside that morning during
chores. Partly because he wants to talk to her, but
also partially because he wants to hug her and smell her hair and get
all up in her and so he can tell her how wonderful she is.
As a coconut vendor, I seek surfer girl tits
Are you serious, man?
Vince then goes for the hard on sell on why the two of them need to
stick together and make an alliance, and make babies.
"With our spirit and intelligence we really could make it
all the way."
"I think we have a kindred spirit."
Then he does that Vince thing where he gets really close to
you and he just stares at you.
Trust me, Jenn. You do want to put the lotion in that basket.
And by the end of the morning, his mission is complete. He
has scored his first conquest
friendship.
"If you create friendships the way that I do, it's really
hard to break a bond."
"When I want something, I get it."
Alright then. Fair enough. So Vince has his first
friendship.
And now he is going to make his first enemy.
I guess we didn't hear the part about how, aside from truth, coconut
vendors also seek balance.
Back at camp, Vince decides to work with Joey Amazing on
building their shelter
Vince shows Joe how you are supposed to put up a support beam
"As a coconut vendor, I seek cuts that are non-orthogonal"
Annnnnnnd, that's where the problem starts.
"Vince said he wanted to do the shelter a certain way"
"And I said hey man, whatever you want to do, you know"
"Very no collar of me."
And... my god.
Even though Joe had worked in construction before, even though Joe had
actually built things like this for a living and been paid for it
before, and Vince hadn't, JOE TOLD VINCE EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR
AND THEN HE JUST WENT OFF AND BUILT THE SHELTER THE CORRECT WAY ON HIS
OWN ANYWAY.
Mother of god.
Joe didn't listen to Vince.
That fiend.
Joe goes off and builds the shelter correctly on his own
AND THAT ISN'T HOW YOU TREAT A SEEKER OF REAL!!!
And just like that, bam. We now have a feud.
Joe finishes up the shelter. It looks good.
Everyone will be able to sleep soundly tonight and no one
will get wet.
Vince goes and he questions Joe why it had to be built that
way
"I just wanna get a roof on, man," says Joe.
"That's all I want."
Vince hears a microaggression there that Joe somehow just
insulted his mother
"Vince, if we do it your way, it's a lot more work."
That bastard just questioned why I only drink unicorn milk
Hey Vince, you want to help me shore up this beam?
Now this little punk is openly mocking my
commitment to Syria
And if you have ever wondered how a one-sided feud
begins, well, now you know.
I think our shelter looks pretty good
I think Joe is evil and needs to roast in hell
Now Vince makes it his mission that the guy who
built their shelter needs to go down.
"Watching Joe bulldoze projects, and wanna do it his
way, and only his way. It's run a huge red flag."
"We are the no collar tribe, we need collaboration."
"If we don't have that, it's gonna be a problem."
Oh, it's going to be a problem, all right.
You didn't collaborate with me. You people don't
even DESERVE a coconut.
DAY TWO
Okay, so it's now day two.
The feud between Vince and nobody Joe is about to
intensify even
further.
Because on day two, we learn that Joey Amazing can make fire
He is one of those rare people who can actually make fire
without a flint
And oh lord is this going to be an issue
Joe sits there and does his Joey Amazing thing where he
happens to be good at everything
And Jenn sits there and admires how Joe is just, like, you
know, awesome and stuff
Jenn walks over and she delivers Joe's fire
making materials to him with a little flourish and a bow. As
you do.
"Here you go, my sweet prince"
"Thank you princess"
Oh, you. Please stop.
And this angers Vince because...
YOU DON'T MOW ANOTHER GUY'S LAWN!
So now the Holy War starts to REALLY heat up.
Watch as Vince takes to a confessional to air out his aggression at Joe.
"I already have something going on with Jenn."
"But it seems she wants to ride the wave that Joe's making."
"That worries me because I don't trust him."
And then watch as Joe responds with a vicious barb of his own.
"This game means the world to me. I have been
such a huge fan my whole life. Survivor is awesome."
Jenn even weighs in now about how Joe is awesome, and tall, and
muscular. And how he is so hot that he belongs on the cover
of a
romance novel.
He also doesn't insist on doing strategy talks two inches
from my face. So that's a big plus.
And oh boy. Just like in the novel The Stand, This
Harold-Frannie-Stu love triangle is about to spin out of control.
"Excuse me sir, would you like some help blowing on your
firewood?"
Why yes, principessa, I would
And then, finally, things come to a head when Joe
directly insults Vince by calling him out. And by "calling
him
out" I mean Joe starts a fire and it makes everyone happy.
Joe starts a fire!
Yay! We love Joe!
Joey Amazing is the greatest!
And here is where the war of words starts up again.
"This was the best feeling in the whole world.
Starting the fire."
Starting a fire just to humiliate me. Shots fired,
my adversary. Shots fired.
You know what else I really like? I like bananas.
Bananas are yummy and soft.
Okay now this guy is out of control
Vince
is so incensed at how good Joe is at everything, and how Joe is
starting to move in on his bird, that he immediately drags Jenn off to
the woods so he can "explore their relationship." And really
feel
out "who she is as an individual."
Vince marches Jenn off into the woods so he can
give her a talking to
"Can I ask you a real real human question?", says the guy
who is wearing a turkey feather
"Do you feel more of a connection to Joe?"
"Or to me?"
Choose wisely
Naturally, there is only one way that Jenn can respond to this.
Jenn protests that Vince is completely misreading things.
"Um, I'm not playing the flirt game."
"You're not attracted to him?"
"No!"
"Not even a little?"
Eventually, Jenn convinces him that her alliance is still a final two
with Vince. Not Joe. Vince.
I'm with you, dude. You're my alliance.
"You still want that?"
"Yes."
At the end of the day, Jenn ensures him that she is still
on board with him. And that she has no feelings for Joe.
And that she doesn't mind being close-talked from three
inches
away. In fact, it is quite pleasant.
So they hug it out
For a while
In Vince world, all hugs must last for a minimum of nine
minutes
And that's that.
Although in a confessional, he tells us that he still wants
to wring that little shit Joe's neck
I will destroy him. And that's
seeing real.
Okay, moving on.
Time for the first Worlds Apart immunity challenge.
This is where Joe REALLY decides to go all-in on pissing off Vince.
Because you know how Vince tries to open the locks for the
No Collars?
And he fails?
Well guess who gets called in to save the day? And to clean
up after Vince shits the bed?
"The No Collars are subbing in Joe! That's a big
move! Blindside blindside big move!!!"
And here comes our hero! It's Joey Amazing!
So Vince has to stand there and watch as Joe finishes the
challenge for him
I can't believe Joe would mock me like that
Joe, of course, turns out to be the hero
Not once, but twice.
Because later in the challenge, he comes in and he rescues a
second person. He comes in and rescues Jenn.
I love this shot. Hali says, um, Joe?
Can you go in and save us again?
JOE, GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND DO THIS!
And so here comes Joey Amazing in a dramatic entrance
Although, as a side note, I should point out that Joe's
entrance
isn't half as awesome as Max's entrance is over on the White Collars.
Like a boss
In any case, Joe solves the puzzle in about fifteen seconds.
I'm Joey Amazing, mufugga
And for about the fifth time today, he is the hero
of the tribe
Even Probst comes over to call it a big move and to rave about how
incredible Joey Amazing is.
Wow, this guy is so much better than Vince!
And just like that...
Joe solves the puzzle...
While crapping directly on Vince.
Yay Joe!
And with that, episode one of the feud has ended.
A feud that Joe isn't even aware exists yet.
#!%#%&!@!
EPISODE 2
Okay, so the second episode. We'll call this episode "Vince's
Last Stand."
This episode starts off the exact same way the last one did.
With the No Collars at camp, and Joe throwing an incredible amount of
shade at Vince.
Here Joe throws shade at Vince by sharing coconut with Hali
Here he enrages Vince by drinking water
And now, finally, Vince reaches the point of maniacal rage.
When Joe goes out and catches crabs for lunch
And it makes everyone happy
Motherfucker
And with that, this clash of the titans has reached its last,
and most violent stage.
As Vince goes out to catch crabs. Just to prove
that he can, too.
He even drags poor Nina out with him, just so he can air all
his grievances to someone
Vince pulls Nina aside, and he lets loose his rage.
"I do work too! And nobody notices!"
"I said I do work too! And they're putting it all
on Joe!"
Vince then takes to a confessional one last time, to explain how
something is going to have to be done about this.
"I probably work harder than anybody on the no collar tribe."
"But from camp, it's all about Joe."
Satan
"I was young once too. I'm thirty-two now."
"Joe's kind of that center of attention kind of guy
And... it's pissing me off."
And here's where the irresistible force finally meets the immovable
uninterested object.
Vince sees Joe throwing even more shade at him.
And by shade I mean, Joe is bringing back some driftwood.
Deep breaths, cupcake. It's go time.
HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT I FOUND SOME WOOD!
Rock and roller Cola Wars, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY
MORE!
Vince confronts his mortal enemy right there by
the shelter. For the first time in Worlds Apart, Superman and
Lex Luthor some guy who doesn't know Superman
finally have their
showdown.
JOE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS??
Huh?
Vince
demands that Joe start to show him a little attention around camp.
He demands that Joe start acknowledging that Vince does work
around camp too.
Jenn and Joe looked on in mute amazement. What the
fuck is this all about now?
I do work too. You need to respect me.
Vince gets right up tight so he that he and Joe can
close-talk
Vince continues his tirade for some time. As Joe basically
just
stands there and listens with his mouth open. Which probably
enrages Vince even more, because he feels like Joe is trying to
rope-a-dope him.
You don't stand close enough to me when you talk.
And your hugs are too short.
Hugs should be ten seconds minimum, friend. TEN
SECONDS!
What?
You don't seek truth, Joe. You will never seek
truth.
Joe, of course, snaps right back at Vince by unleashing a stream
of obscenities of his own.
"I feel like we're good, man."
Oh you'd like to think that. I bet you'd love
that. But I don't see real in you.
As a coconut vendor, I seek penitence.
Vince
again goes on about how Joe steamrolled him during the building of the
shelter. And how Joe never gives pretty ribbons to put in his
hair like he gives to Jenn and Hali.
I LIKE TO FEEL PRETTY TOO, JOE ANGLIM!
And
then, for maybe the first time in six days on No Collar Beach, Joe
actually says something that a reasonable person could interpret as an
insult.
Brace yourself. This comeback is pretty rough.
"I just feel like the things I do are just more efficient."
Oh snap.
And with that, Vince has reached the point of pissedtivity (tm NaOnka).
And now there is no looking back.
Hali looks on in boredom. Oh goody. Here
goes the Feather Guy again.
Do your happy dance. Do the happy dance.
Finally, Vince comes back with...
"I just need you to acknowledge that you steamroll
projects."
"I mean, of course there are times when I've gone against
what you thought."
I love this little dramatic pause here.
"... So you acknowledge that."
Joe admits that yes, he does acknowledge that.
Also, what were we talking about again?
And then Vince wraps up the conversation with his arch enemy as nice as
he can.
"Are we actually moving forwards, past the bullshit?"
"Because I want it to work. I really do."
Joe promises that yes, we are indeed moving away from the
bullshit
However, Vince, as a seer of real, doesn't believe this
Afterwards,
the two combatants retreat to their respective corners. Where
they are free to start throwing insults at one another once
again.
I caught a fish today. Wasn't that great?
Care to rebut, Vince?
*growl*
"Joe said all the right things.
And I wanna believe him."
"But
here's the thing. In my every day life, I'm surrounded by
people
who I can have a comfortable, loving embrace with them."
"Ten seconds. Of beauty. Bliss.
Peace."
Mmm, this water is good
"But with Joe, I just don't feel that. I just
don't."
And with that, the two armies prepare for the immunity challenge.
And they prepare for battle.
Vince
plays aggressively by roping in Nina and Will. Who are
clearly
the two you want on your side when it comes to a holy war.
I WILL DESTROY HIM
Joe, on the other hand, prepares for battle by hunting for crabs.
Because crabs are yummy, and because they are fun to catch.
Joe's strategy talk
HE'S HUNTING FOR CRABS! HE'S NOT TAKING ME
SERIOUSLY!
And Jenn, of course, sums it up best. By pointing out
that it isn't fun at camp right now because Vince is actually batshit
crazy.
"Vince is gonna do something off the wall nuts that'll
just screw up everything for this tribe."
And with that, we head into the episode two immunity challenge.
Where the No Collars...
Lose
Badly
And with that, it looks like the big Vince vs. Joe holy war is going to
go down tonight.
Vince sure is ready for it
Joey Amazing, are you?
And this is where Vince gives one of my absolute favorite quotes on
this entire countdown.
Where he explains to us that World War III is about to go
down.
Between him and some guy who I'm not sure even knows what Vince's first
name is.
"Tonight somebody's gonna go home."
"And where Joe and I stand, as of right now..."
"It really is cold war, with missiles pointed."
"I mean, we're ready to start firing away."
"And it's gonna get crazy."
Speaking of firing away, that's exactly what happens when the No
Collars get back to camp.
Vince arms his missiles by talking to Nina and Will
Joe arms his missiles by playing with this leaf
Vince shores up his arsenal by pointing out that Joe is the
devil
Joe shores up his arsenal by waging a courageous battle
against this rice
And then, right before Tribal Council, two things happen that will one
day alter the course of Survivor holy wars everywhere.
First, Jenn suggests that maybe they just vote out
that piece of shit Vince, just because he annoys everyone
Fuck that, I'm not being a part of no more ten minute hugs
And
second, Will finds out that Vince has concerns that Will might not
actually last that long in this game. Because of his health.
Nina spills the beans that Vince has concerns about wanting
Will as an ally
That feeling when other people think you're a dead fish
Will, of course, responds very predictably to this.
By letting the
negativity "flow right over him and off his back."
FUCK!
Uh oh. Did Will just turn on me?
And that's how we wind up with a Tribal Council like this.
Where Vince comes in against his enemy, guns blazing.
And I'm not sure if Joe is even aware of it.
And then we end one of the greatest one-sided non-feud feuds in
Survivor history.
With Vince being blindsided
Because he pissed off Will
And meanwhile the two main combatants don't even vote for each other.
And that, my friends, is how you don't want
your story to go if it is all based on a rivalry.
whomp whomp
whomp whomp
whomp whomp
Any last words about this one, Joe?
Oh hey, that Vince guy is gone. That's too bad.
He was kind of cool.
Any last words about this one, Hali?
Any last words about this one, Jenn?
Eh, whatever. Fuck it.
And any last words about this one, Vince?
Yes.
It turns out that I was just way too noble for this game.
I
cannot exist around people who gather wood and hug evilly.
Oh, and also, Joe sucks
P.S. A reader named Leann Lindsley sent in this picture:
"I love the screen shot in your Jenn B entry where Vince and
Joe
are standing in the background. Vince is all aggressively up
in
Joe's personal space, with his chin pointed out and everything. Their
body language is hysterical. It's just perfect."
Enjoy
P.P.S. From a reader named "dkljdkkafdlkfdkjd" on Reddit:
P.P.P.S. And, of course, I have to end with this one.
** Special thanks to
Taylor
Martina for the Brad Culpepper/Match Game picture idea **
