Funny 115 - The Third One
Fun Times with Oral Herpes
South Pacific - episode 5
One of my favorite things about Survivor over the
years is the fact that it takes people from wildly different
backgrounds, and it throws them together. And then you wind
with people who never would have met in real life, trying to have a
strategy talk or working together and trying to figure out how to open
a coconut. To me, this is the lifeblood of Survivor.
opinion, it is the stuff like this (and not the twists, or the
strategy) that has kept Survivor so watchable and has made every season
so different and interesting over the years.
Scenes like this. When else would a punk rock dad
and a young soccer player be bartering goats in a village in Africa?
When else would famed relief pitcher John Rocker ever be
interrogated by Wes?
And where else would a Fabio ever meet a NaOnka?
it is the odd (and sometimes cringey) interactions between players who
have no business hanging out together that makes Survivor fun.
And sometimes gives us our most memorable moments.
I mean, when would a normal person ever have to deal with
And speaking of fun and awkward and cringey, hey, that means it's time
for our next John Cochran entry!
is one of those scenes that proves that, yes, sometimes people who come
from wildly different backgrounds are forced to live together, and
sometimes they have no idea how to interact with one another on the
other person's level. It also proves that Cochran doesn't
know how to make small talk. And he probably never really got
outside all that much when he was a kid.
Also, read between the lines, and we also learn an important fact about
personal hygiene. So at least that's something.
the fifth episode of Survivor: South Pacific, and ubernerd slash
Survivor dork John Cochran is doing his best to fit in with his tribe
Which is hard to do when most of them are big
athletic former jock hardbodies.
And you went to Harvard and your high school yearbook picture looked
So anyway, yeah. Right from the start Cochran has a hard time
relating to people who didn't grow up in a veal pen.
One of these things is not like the others
"Hi Whitney. Want to see my buff collection?"
The pink shirt, corrective shoes, and dark socks aren't
really helping him either
He doesn't fit in. But he's trying his best.
Oh hi John. Yes I'd love to hear some trivia about loam.
in and day out, Cochran is trying to relate to these people who are not
nerds. And they are all trying to relate to him.
It is not going well.
Who the fuck is this ginger with the popped collar?
Coach gets Albert and I get Cochran? Seriously,
And meanwhile Cochran is pulling every little social skill trick he can
to try to ingratiate himself.
And that's when I shove in my fist. The Aristocrats!
But it isn't until episode five that we get my favorite John Cochran
This is episode with the famous meat eating challenge
know this one. It's the challenge where everyone swarms
like piranhas, and they try to rip the meat off a hunk a pork just by
using their teeth.
As once made famous by Deena, back in Amazon
My wife refuses to watch this challenge whenever they air it
on TV. Because it's so gross.
In fact I wonder how many of these pictures I can post
before I gross you out.
The previous record was three.
so this is the challenge where everyone is swarming around a piece of
pork, and exchanging saliva. And at times they physically
pull a piece of chewed pork out of somebody else's mouth.
you try doing that.
Even Jeff gets skeeved out by this one.
It's so gooey
Here, Coach directs a piece of pork into the basket just by
using his eyes
anyway, Savaii and Upolu compete in The Deena Bennett Memorial Pork
Challenge, and on this day (just like every day), it turns out that God
is an Upolu fan. With the help of the
Creator Himself, Upolu tears off more pork scraps.
It's the least I could do, child
And just like that, the poor Savaiis lose immunity, and they will be
headed to Tribal Council tonight.
It's really not fair that we're competing against God
Oh yeah, and I forgot.
Before we leave...
So Savaii loses immunity, and they go back to camp.
This sucks. This is like the opposite of skateboarding
And this is where we see why it's bad idea for Cochran to try to make
The Savaiis are standing around, and talking about how much
it sucked to lose such a nasty ass challenge
Dawn says she snapped a tooth on a piece of pork.
She has no back molar now.
Somewhere Brenda hears this and she orgasms
Now Jim says...
"It just came down to team mouth volume size."
Elyse is worried about the fact that...
"We're all gonna have pig gut breakouts tomorrow on our
And then, of course, there's Cochran.
Who helpfully adds to the discussion with...
"We're probably also all gonna have oral herpes."
John Cochran: A veritable geyser of STD trivia
I love this look that Dawn gives him. What the
I mean, I'm Mormon. And I'm still going
to say what the fuck.
The girls are not especially pleased to hear that Cochran just
predicted a sexually transmitted disease for all of them.
Somebody else in the background busts up laughing at this.
I'm not sure who it is, but my guess it is Jim or Ozzy.
"Oral herpes?" Keith asks, curiously.
Whitney: "Ummmmm WHY?"
Cochran has to backpedal. He quickly realizes that everyone
might not be as well-versed in the history of the Herpesviridae family
as he is.
"I'm sure somebody has it..."
"I mean, doesn't EVERYBODY have herpes?"
"Doesn't, like, 99% of human beings have herpes?"
Whitney: "Um, I don't know... I don't THINK so."
Dawn says, "Um, okay, Harvard."
Whitney: "I don't think so. I don't
Cochran realizes that perhaps these beach people aren't quite as well
book-read as he is. Oops. I bet they don't
realize I am
describing something innocent.
So he clarifies.
"No, I mean like getting a cold sore."
GOD DAMNIT, WHY COULDN'T I GET ALBERT AS MY TRIBESMATE?!?
Dawn: "Well THAT'S reassuring. Thanks,
And here comes my favorite part.
"I've never had a cold sore
out Whitney. So she has never had herpes before.
Despite that little "99% of humanity" statistic.
"Well you're not living then."
Says the guy who I'm sure used to make out with his dog
"You haven't lived until you've had a cold sore."
Whitney hears this and cracks up
Elyse, of course, is not reassured that cold sores aren't
actually that much better.
"So you're telling us you just gave us cold sores."
And this is how Cochran can get away with this stuff.
Even if he crosses the line of etiquette and good taste, he can still
pull a George Costanza and salvage it at the end.
Because no matter how cringey the conversation, he is still a
funny guy. And he can still leave them laughing.
"No. I just mean one of you probably gave them to
Well... okay... not ALL of them.
Albert. Sophie. Hell, I'd even settle for EDNA at
the way, the part of this scene that really drives it home for me is
the fact that the whole "oral herpes" thing comes up again at Tribal
This last part is hilarious.
After scene after scene of the editors showing some
references to herpes...
This conversation comes up between Dawn and Probst.
"Dawn, how often is Cochran charming, and how often is he
Hmmmm. How to answer that?
"I think Cochran's endearing. And I am also
learning to be tolerant."
"Like, today when we came back from the challenge..."
"He said there's a chance we could all have some
"Because we all had our mouths against the spit."
"And I just thought, I don't KNOW where you get that."
And now for the perfect sentence to sum up the
legend of John Cochran.
"That was just hilarious."
Thank you, Cochran. Thank you for teaching us so much about
how STDs work.
And thank you for introducing The Herp into the show.
Any last thoughts on this entry, anyone?
"That wasn't funny, it was nasty
By the way, you can also get herpes on your foot
Oh shut up, Max.
Who here loves herpes?
P.S. One of my funniest readers, George Hanns, suggested this
one. From Survivor: Palau:
"We're NOT going back to immunity!"
George also wanted to point out that:
There. Eight. I'm done.
** Thank you to Aaron
Conn for the FUBC/Twitter picture **