The Funny 115 - The Third One

#82. Of Superfans and Math
Worlds Apart - episodes 8 and 13

This is the story of two Superfans.  Who know everything there is to know about the show.

Their names are Dan

And Shirin

They don't seem to like each other very much

One day Dan is walking through the woods.  And as he is walking, he realizes that Shirin's Survivor strategy might not be everything you would expect it to be.

And this angers Dan. 

You see, how dare a superfan not understand that, to win this game, you always must be on the right side of the numbers.

How dare a superfan be irritating and annoying, and make it so that the other players don't like you.

This angers Dan so much that, one day, he pulls Shirin aside the lagoon.

And he helpfully points out all her Survivor flaws.

"I'm surprised at you, to be honest with you."

"I really am, actually."

"You're like me.  You're a fan."

"Why is it that fans can't do basic math?"

Shirin takes his friendly advice with a smile on her face.  Because what else is Worlds Apart if not a friendly, helpful, feel-good joy of a season?

"I think you just don't understand my game."

"Right.  I don't."  *laugh*

"You know, once again, another fan who can't do basic math."

"You're an easy mark."

"You did it to yourself."

Dan finishes up his friendliness with an extremely sensitive lesson about how Euclidian math works.

Being the nice guy that he is, he knows this will help.

So now Dan has done his good deed for the day.  

Fellow superfan Shirin now understands how numbers work.  

She now knows that you need to have a basic understanding of math if you want to win this game.

All is right in the world.  This simple girl has been taught.

And now Dan gets to prove just how much he knows about math.

It is the episode ten reward challenge, and Dan is about to win a major advantage in the game


Dan wins a major advantage.  It is something he will get to use later.

Dan goes back to camp, and he reads about his big new advantage.

"Congratulations.  You've bought yourself an extra vote."

Fuckin' A

Dan now has TWO votes at an upcoming Tribal Council instead of one.  And for a man who knows that two is nearly double that of one, this is an incredibly big deal.

"A second vote?  Do you have any idea what this means to me?"

The other players in the game know this is a really big deal as well.  

After all, Dan has just been handed one of the biggest advantages in the first thirty seasons of Survivor.

This isn't just some simple tactical advantage.  

For the first time in Survivor history, a player has been given an actual math advantage.


No, it's actually a vote multiplier

"A second vote!  It's like the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket!  Oh my god!"

Okay, so now Dan is going to get a chance to use his big new shiny math advantage.

"Vote multiplier."

It is episode thirteen, and Mike has won immunity for the infinitieth time in a row.

Mike STILL doesn't have sex.  And he STILL knows how to fuck you.

Dan can't believe it.

Because with Mike immune, that means the target has to be Carolyn tonight.

Dan is going to vote for Carolyn.  And he is going to bury her using his shiny new math advantage

He is also going to give you a view of his crotch here, like he's Sharon Stone in fucking Basic Instinct

Dan is going to take out Carolyn tonight.  Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe is trying to flip the vote around and use it on Dan.

And here comes Happy Dance enthusiast Mike, as the one person who tries to warn him what is about to go down.

"Your alliance is gunning for you."

"Unless I do something and change it."

Dan, of course, takes this information with the wisdom and thankfulness and utmost good cheer that you would expect from any superfan.

Mike just gave me good advice.  Thanks, Mike.

Actually, wait.  No he doesn't.

I'm Mike.  I'm a silverback gorilla.  I know so much more than you because I'm a big hairy douchebag.


Yeah, this isn't going to end well.

And then we go to Tribal Council.  

Where Dan does exactly what he yelled at Shirin for doing.

He falls prey to the math.

"Tonight there will be seven votes cast instead of six."

"Two of them will be meaningless votes from Dan, because he's going to vote for the person with the immunity idol."

And just like that...

Dan blows his own game.

"I love it!  The Vote Multiplier!"

Because he fucked up the biggest math advantage in the history of Survivor.

And then this is where we go back to the original scene.

"What is it with Survivor fans and math?"

Great storyline.

P.S.  Oh yes, I believe there is another word for this storyline as well.

"I'd call that karma."

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