The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#87.
Ozzy goes for an Academy Award
South Pacific - episode 8
This entry is about Ozzy.
Ozzy...
Ozzy
Ozzzzzzyyyyyyy!
Now,
it is well known among Survivor fans that Ozzy is one of those
rare players who is good at just about everything. I
mean,
true, the guy has never actually won Survivor, but he still might be
the single greatest challenge performer in the history of the show.
His athletic prowess (especially in his first season, Cook
Islands) is beyond legendary.
If you have forgotten how
good Ozzy is at challenges, go back and watch Cook Islands again and
remind yourself how amazing he was. Which, I will admit, is
the
only time I will ever suggest you watch a boring-ass season
like
Cook Islands.
Ozzy flies through the air like the mighty Icarus
Ozzy
can fish. He can hunt. He can climb. He
can swim.
Basically, like I said, the guy can do anything. He
might
be the single most well-rounded competitor the show has ever produced.
He can live
He can love
He can carve
He can even cosplay
But
it wasn't until the eighth episode of Survivor: South Pacific that we
saw the skill that might be Ozzy's greatest talent of them all.
Yes, in South Pacific we got to see the great Ozzy Lusth attempt to act.
Ozzy Lusth, now endorsed by Master Thespian
Now,
when you think of the great actors in the history of stage and screen,
you tend not to think about some reality TV guy from Survivor.
Oh
sure, Brian Heidik might have won a couple of Golden Dildo
awards
back during his heyday in the mid 90's, but Heidik (aka "Dave
Roth") is the rare exception to the rule. Other than Lisa
Whelchel, there really haven't been that many great actors who have
ever been featured on the show.
C.C. Costigan and Dave Roth, the Survivor porn version of
Bogey
and Bacall
But Ozzy? Well just like in challenges, on stage he is on a
different level than everyone else.
Here he acts like he just found his keys
Here he acts like he doesn't want to punch Cochran
In
terms of great actors, you simply have to put Ozzy up there with the
legends. One day, you will find his name mentioned in the
same
breathless whisper as the Sir John Gielguds. Or the Streeps.
Or the Hanks. Or the Lipnickis.
In fact, let's go back to episode eight of South Pacific. And
let's watch as the legend of "Ozzy Lusth, ACTOR!" is born.
Let's watch as he pulls a Tobias Fünke and he announces that
the Savaiis are having a fire... sale.
This is one of those scenes that makes South Pacific so much better as
a season than it has any right to be. It's awesome.
Ozzy
Okay,
so it's the day before the final duel at Redemption Island, and Ozzy
has come up with a plan. It's actually a pretty ingenious
plan,
too.
Even though this entry will be me taking a
giant steaming dump on Ozzy, let's be fair and point out that this is
actually a really clever plan that, on paper, should have worked like a
charm. In fact, had Ozzy not been such a horrendously bad
actor,
it probably would have worked, too. So let's give credit
where
credit is due and acknowledge that Ozzy actually had a really
clever outside-the-box idea here.
His idea?
"I had a dream tonight. I saw a chance
at my own redemption."
"I'd be willing to sacrifice myself, and go to Redemption."
"I'll beat Christine and get back in this game.
And give our tribe an edge going into the merge."
See,
on paper, this is actually a really cool idea. Not just for
Ozzy
and the Savaiis, but also for us in the audience who think that
Redemption Island is dumb that they never should have used it as a
twist. You see, Ozzy literally figures out HOW TO BREAK
REDEMPTION ISLAND here.
I'll use it as a weapon to take out a potential Upolu going
into the merge.
See? Great idea!
Oh but wait.
There's also a second part.
It involves this guy
Ozzy wants to fool the other tribe into thinking that the Savaiis have
fractured, and that they turned on Ozzy and voted him out.
So Ozzy's plan is to go to Redemption Island, beat Christine in a duel,
and at the same time use his Daniel-Day-Lewis-level ACTING to trick the
Upolus into thinking he is nothing but a big, angry, wounded free
agent now.
Again, let me point out that on paper, this is actually a pretty genius
idea. On paper, this is one of the most creative Survivor
strategies I have ever seen.
Ozzy explains to Cochran that they are going to put on a
show and put all the blame for this on him
"I'm gonna make up a story that Cochran, the little smart weasel that
he is, found the idol."
"We go to vote him out, he whips out the idol.
See you later Ozzy."
The second part of the plan hinges on Cochran playing the
part of the villain, infiltrating Upolu after the merge, and playing
the part of a double agent where he can gather some intel.
"I'm going to say you fucked us over, and you turned on me.
And now you're a traitor."
Is Cochran prepared to be the villain?
Oh yes.
The face of evil. And, also, of Spiderman jammies.
When is John Cochran NOT prepared to be the villain?
Okay so let's watch Ozzy's master plan of deception play out now.
Remember, with a capable actor in the Ozzy role, this actually might
have all worked out.
I don't know. It still fooled me.
So Ozzy gets to Redemption Island the night before the duel.
Christine sees him arrive after being voted out by the Upolus, and
naturally she is thrilled to see him.
Ozzy, of course, immediately starts doing his Deniro (tm Rodney) and he
goes into his acting thing.
The brooding poet
He blames all his bad luck in the game on that fucking Cochran.
"WHAT IS IT WITH LAWYERS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
Christine, of course, finds this incredibly interesting.
As they head off to bed, and Ozzy prepares for his big performance in
front of the Upolus tomorrow, he can only reflect on how amazing
a move this is going to be if it all works out.
"I came into Redemption, and I put on my actor's suit"
"I think that she bought it hook, line, and sinker."
"This
move is either the stupidest thing I could have done, or the craziest
ballsiest thing I probably could have ever thought of doing."
And then... the next day...
It's time for the performance.
Ozzy
Fools the Upolus - The Script
INT. REDEMPTION ISLAND ARENA - MORNING
[The Savaiis enter the arena. They sit down, with Cochran
sitting slightly away from the rest of the popular kids.]
[The Upolus look over, and they wonder what happened to cause Ozzy to
get voted out last night.]
[Meanwhile, Coach wonders why the writers of the United States
Constitution stole his idea.]
[Ozzy and Christine enter the arena, and they prepare to duel.]
[Ozzy takes a look over at the Savaii stands, and he glares at
Brad Culpepper John Cochran.]
[Then Ozzy takes a deep breath, and he turns away from the audience, as
he prepares to ACT.]
[Now that the muse has been summoned, it is time to release her.]
PROBST
Ozzy, are you surprised to find yourself on Redemption
Island?
[Ozzy ACTS.]
OZZY
I mean...
OZZY
I gave pretty much everything to my tribe...
OZZY (suddenly raging)
And then we lose ONE CHALLENGE because SOMEbody can't
operate a clip.
[Cochran simpers.]
OZZY
And that ends up being the person that sends me here!
[Ozzy continues to ACT.]
OZZY (to Cochran)
You play the idol. You don't even...
OZZY
I know one of...
OZZY
Someone else probably knew!
OZZY
That you had it.
[Poor Cochran looks over to the Upolus for support.]
[The Upolus, including Coach, do not appear to be fully buying this.]
[Meanwhile, Ozzy continues to ACT.]
OZZY
As far as I'm concerned, tribe boundaries... I mean...
OZZY
We're at the merge. They don't EXIST anymore.
OZZY
It's all one for one.
OZZY
And whoever sticks together...
OZZY
that...
OZZY
from this point on.
OZZY
Makes it farthest in the game.
[Cochran continues to shoot looks of pity over at the Upolus]
[As
Ozzy continues to ACT, the Upolus now begin to look over at one another
in disbelief. They can't believe that anyone with half a
brain
would fall for this shit show.]
[Meanwhile, Ozzy is getting a second wind. He now prepares to
deliver the amazing dénouement.]
OZZY (to Probst)
But I thrive on the pressure to come back in the game.
OZZY
For revenge.
OZZY
Basically.
[Back at home, Meryl Streep knows a good monologue when she sees one.
And she gives a resounding Hell Yes!]
[Meanwhile
Jeff Probst just stands there. He refuses to take the bait
and
even comment. He just stands there and no sells Ozzy's
amazing
monologue like the bitch that he is.]
PROBST
Alright, are you guys ready to get to today's duel?
[Fin]
The actor
Oh, so many things to say about this scene...
First
off, I love how Probst completely no-sells it at the end. Say
what you want
about Probst as a producer, as a host he absolutely KILLS it
in moments like this. Between Probst not saying a
word and
just letting the whole rant hang out there awkwardly in the air, and
the editors abruptly stopping the music and adding in a little "derp"
noise at the end, this is absolutely one of the funniest scenes in
Survivor: South Pacific. This is one of those magical scenes
that
(tm Heidi) when I saw it I knew INSTANTLY that it was going to be an
entry on the Funny 115.
Secondly,
how awesome is it that Savaii immediately bursts into applause the
minute that Ozzy wins the duel? Yeah, way to sell the
illusion,
guys. Ozzy just yelled at you and said he was a free
agent,
and he blamed one of you for knowing that Cochran had the idol that
idoled him out. And then the minute he wins the duel you all
start cheering like this is Thailand and Ken just
announced he was a New York City cop. I always
loved the
fact that Ozzy alone doesn't deserve the award for "worst actor" in
this scene. He actually has to share it.
Ozzy wins the duel!
Fuck you, Savaii
Yay Ozzy! We all love Ozzy!
Thirdly,
did you ever notice that Ozzy is -still- trying to sell the illusion
that he hates his tribe, and he -still- thinks that the Upolus might
buy it, even at the end of the scene?
Yes, after
all that, after his botched performance, and after the fact that the
tribe he has "disowned" all burst into applause when he won...
Ozzy completes the performance by angrily throwing down his
Savaii buff in disgust.
I
guess this is Ozzy's version of "Hey guys, did you hear me say
Dragonslayer? Did you hear that?? I said
Dragonslayer!!"
Never gets old
Fourth,
I love the fact that the tribes merge, and the Upolus INSTANTLY know
that Ozzy is full of shit and that whole thing was simply an act to
fool them. I mean, you can probably measure
in nanoseconds
how long it took the Upolus to pull Cochran aside and ask him if he
actually thinks they are buying this.
Although, come to think about it, you really don't have to theorize
because this is exactly what the editors show.
Remember, this is like thirty seconds after the two tribes have merged.
Coach pulls Cochran aside and...
"So that whole acting performance was all bullshit, right?"
You
can't bullshit a bullshitter, my friend. Remember, you're
talking
to Coach. I have a nose that can rival a bloodhound.
Busted
Not
only does Coach call B.S. on Ozzy about thirty seconds after the merge,
but then the rest of the Upolus join in and they all have a
big
laugh about it.
Sophie and Albert laughing at how horrendously bad Ozzy's
acting performance was
"You should have picked a better actor."
"I just want to know if he volunteered."
" ."
The
Upolus are so confident that Ozzy's rant was just a big act that
eventually Cochran caves, and he admits they are right. Then
he
spills his guts and he tells them everything he knows about what is
happening at Savaii. Which eventually leads to Cochran
flipping
on his tribe, and pissing off Ozzy, and disgursting Whitney, and
causing the online fanbase to get all butthurt. Blah blah
blah.
You know how the rest of the season goes. Just keep
in mind
that it only happens here because Ozzy was such a horrendously bad
actor that he basically fucked up everything for the rest of the
Savaiis. At this point Cochran has no choice but to spill his
guts and tell everyone the truth. If he doesn't, there's no
way the Upolus are ever going to trust him.
Sophie, of course, has one of her great snarky one-liners here.
So
Cochran starts mocking Ozzy, and how "this whole thing came to him in a
dream." And this is really the beginning of the end for Ozzy
and
the Savaiis.
And
from this point on, Cochran is now unofficially one of the Upolus.
Because remember, while good acting can save lives,
sometimes
bad acting can do just the opposite.
"And that's why Ozzy wanted me to break up your marriage."
And
so there you have it. My tribute to Ozzy, and probably the
single
worst acting performance in the history of Survivor. Well,
unless
you count the time J.T. promised Sugar he was going to call her the
next morning.
In related news, hey guess who never called Lindsey
Lohan back the next day.
Ozzy's
acting performance was memorable. It was inspirational.
It
was dramatic. It inspired pathos. It was also so
popular
that it quickly became the go-to monologue for any young thespian
trying to make it in the world of acting. I'm sure we all
remember where we were in that winter of 2011, when Ozzy Lusth's
"Revenge" monologue was everywhere, and it showed up in every hopeful
young actor's prospective demo reel. If you don't remember
those
heady, heady times, take a look at some of these clips that are still
hanging around Youtube, when Ozzy's "Revenge" monologue ranked just
behind Hamlet's "Advice to the Players" and Tommy Wiseau's
"I'm
fed up with this world" as the third most popular monologue
among every young actor who was trying to make it on Broadway.
In
the end, was Ozzy's performance bad? Of course it was.
To
put it in Palau terms, he was probably even a worse actor than Caryn.
But at the end of the day, do you think Ozzy actually loses any sleep
over this?
Fuck no, why would I care? I'm Ozzy.
At the end of the day, no, Ozzy still hasn't won Survivor.
But he
is still an amazing Survivor player. And he is still hooking
up
with every beautiful woman on the face of the earth, I just know it.
And to this day I am sure he is still impressing the
hell out of Erik Reichenbach.
Ozzzzzzyyyyyyy!
Will Ozzy bring back the goods the fourth time he plays Survivor, in
Survivor: Game Changers?
I don't know.
All I know is that Meryl Streep, along with the rest of the world's
acting elites, will all be rooting for him.
P.S. When in doubt, always end an entry with more Sophie.
"Ozzy's performance, it was frankly insulting."
** Special thanks to Ryan
Weiss
for the Brad Culpepper/Jeopardy picture **
