The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#95.
Inappropriate Cochran
South Pacific - episode 7
It's day seventeen of Survivor: South Pacific, and the Savaii tribe is
facing a big problem.
What is this big problem?
Actually no. Not that. That's mean.
The problem that the Savaiis are facing is this woman.
You see, Christine has been on Redemption Island for more than two
weeks, and she keeps winning every carnival game
duel that the producers have
been throwing at her. Day after day, episode after episode,
no matter who shows up on Redemption Island, Christine will wind up
kicking their butt. Then they go home, and the fearsome
Christine lives on to fight another day.
The latest victim was the previously unstoppable Mikayla
See you later, Mikayla.
Buh bye now. Take care.
Christine has been in five carnival games duels so
far, and she has won
every single one of them. One more, and she is probably going
to come back into the game.
And for a strategist like Ozzy on Savaii, this is a big problem.
Ozzy and Cochran watch Christine defeat Mikayla
Crap
Why is Ozzy so worried about Christine coming
back into the game?
Well
because Christine is an Upolu, of course. She was originally
a
member of the enemy tribe. And the minute she comes back into
the
game, Ozzy is worried she will join right back up with her old friends,
and she will give them the numbers. And at that point the
Savaiis
are going to be toast.
Ozzy bleeds red for his beloved Savaiis, and he always will
Ozzy
spends hours agonizing over the problem he can see coming down the
road, and what the best way would be to defeat it. Because,
remember, this is only the second season that has ever featured
Redemption Island. The players have no idea how they are
supposed to work around it yet. So Ozzy spends hours
and
hours racking his brain, and trying to come up with a solution.
I wonder, how can skateboarding solve this problem?
And then, finally, he comes up with an idea that is outside the box.
"People are thinking that the merge is coming after the
next challenge"
"So it might be worthwhile for us to send
somebody to Redemption that can beat Christine, come back in the game,
and even out the numbers."
Ozzy pulls Cochran aside on the way back to camp, and he proposes his
solution to the Christine issue.
"If we don't win the next challenge, we're gonna have to
send someone
to Redemption."
"We have to send someone we KNOW is gonna beat her, that way
we can get
our numbers back."
In other words, not you, nerd.
And fucking put that collar down, would you?
And this is where Ozzy reveals his master plan.
I'll volunteer to go if I have to.
Yes, Ozzy. The most successful challenge dominator in the
first twenty two seasons of Survivor.
Volunteering to be voted out just so he can beat Christine.
Taking a sword just so he can outsmart Redemption Island.
Nothing like this had ever been done before in the history of Survivor.
Without question, this is a big move.
So
Ozzy's plan is now set in motion. If Savaii loses the next
challenge, he will volunteer to be voted out, just so he can kick the
shit out of Christine. Then Ozzy can come back into the game,
Savaii will have the numbers, all will be right in the world, and a
Savaii will be the winner of South Pacific. And hopefully
that winner will be Ozzy.
It will be his greatest achievement since that time he backdoored
Lindsey Lohan
Okay, so the stage is set for Ozzy's triumph.
All the pieces in place.
Except... for one minor variable... that Ozzy forgot to take into
account.
Yes. That guy.
Yeah, so here is the problem.
Cochran is still on Ozzy's tribe.
And Ozzy still hates Cochran with the passion of a thousand suns.
"See, I'm pretty much the opposite of skateboarding."
Savaii
goes to the next immunity challenge, and they lose. Not
because
they are a worse tribe or anything, but because Cochran is a spaz, and
because he forgets to tie an anchor during the challenge.
Upolu wins, thanks to Cochran
The agony of defeat
Ozzy is frustrated because they actually had a chance to
win this challenge. He can't believe that Cochran blew it
for
them.
COCHRAN! GO BACK TO THE FUCKING CHAT ROOMS, MY GOD!
You see, Ozzy HATES losing. He especially hates losing to
that douchebag Coach.
"Who's the man? I'm the man! Jesus loves
my tribe the best, let's all take a knee!"
What's
even worse is that, not only does Savaii lose immunity, they also lose
the chance to see the movie Jack and Jill. And as we
all
know, Jack and Jill wound up winning like eleven Academy Awards.
So that was a blow.
Upolu? Are you prepared to see greatness?
It's got Adam Sandler.
Yay! Jack and Jill!
Fuck!
COCHRAN! WE COULD HAVE SEEN JACK AND JILL!
IT'S GOT TIM MEADOWS IN IT!
So Savaii goes back to camp.
They are sad and they get no Adam Sandler tonight.
And this is where Ozzy decides to change his brilliant plan.
Hey nerd, what was your name again?
John. My name is John.
Well you lost it for us. You wound up costing us
the win.
I feel horrible. I should be held accountable.
Yeah, funny you should say that...
Cochran
feels bad that he screwed up the challenge. He feels guilty
that
he cost his tribe a chance to see one of the greatest cinematic
masterpieces of our lifetime. So he volunteers to be voted
out,
and to go to Redemption Island instead of Ozzy. He volunteers
to
be the sacrificial lamb who is going to go on and take on the dreaded
Christine, and save the game for the Savaiis.
Ozzy, of course, sees no problem with this.
Yeah, I do think he should go. Also, fuck him.
And thus begins one of the goofier scenes I have
ever seen on Survivor.
Seriously,
I know that a lot of people don't like South Pacific. I know
that
a lot of people think it is an especially mean spirited
season, or
that is so religious that it winds up being offensive.
But I
don't know how anyone can hate a season that features this next
little scene, where the Savaiis SIT AROUND THE CAMPFIRE AND
TRY TO
CONVINCE COCHRAN THAT HE IS THIS MASSIVE BADASS.
Eats pieces of shit like Christine for breakfast
I
mean, come on. This is a scene that was MADE for the Funny
115.
This is one of the reasons that South Pacific is my second
favorite season out of all the seasons on this countdown (behind only
Worlds Apart). It is all because of scenes like this, where
the
Savaiis try to pep talk Cochran into believing he is The Terminator.
Behold. And enjoy.
"Cochran, this is your chance to redeem yourself."
"We ALL believe you can do it."
Keith: "YOU have to believe you can do it.
That's the key."
"But you gotta believe in yourself, man."
"You know, I appreciate the words of encouragement."
"It's not words of encouragement. It's the
idea of redemption."
"It literally is. It's time to redeem."
This is where the heroic music starts to swell.
This is where America the Beautiful starts playing in the background.
This is where the legend of John Cochran, the Butcher of Bakersfield,
is about to be born.
You just gotta go in there, and you gotta make a name for
yourself.
"Feel it in your heart. You can WIN, man.
You're a WARRIOR."
The thing that I love about this scene that is Cochran himself has no
illusions that he is any sort of a warrior. He knows full
well
that he is a huge dork, and that they are only buttering him up
so he
feels okay about being voted out.
This is where the
editors jump back and forth between the Savaiis giving Cochran the "You
are a warrior!" speech, and Cochran giving a confessional about "No I'm
not, what the fuck are they talking about?" I love when the
producers undercut a scene by including a mocking confessional like
this. That's why this is one of the greatest scenes in South
Pacific.
You're a KILLER, man! You'll destroy her!
"Instead of sending Ozzy, the Trojan Horse, we're sending
me, the Court Jester."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, apart from a funny
little dance, or
shake my hands around in a comical manner."
"It's not gonna win the challenge. And it's not
gonna get that
many laughs. So I don't know what they're hoping for."
Back to the big hero speech.
"You can beat her at everything that I've seen played or
heard of played. And everything we can anticipate."
"Really. Don't be afraid. You've
gotta push fear out."
Fear does not exist in this dojo, young sensei.
Back to Cochran mocking the shit out of this.
"Everybody
was on board with voting me off."
"And what made it
worse was
that they had this kind of weird kumbaya rationale for voting me off."
Do it for US. Do it for all of us.
"I
don't NEED to be a hero at Redemption Island. I don't need
to be
the person that saves my tribe."
"I don't need to shine right now. I don't need to
shine at all."
And this is where we come to the moment that, when I saw it, I
immediately said, "okay, I'm going to write about that on the
Funny 115 one day." This
one was a slam dunk for this list from the moment I saw it.
Ozzy tries to explain to Cochran how to walk in, and act
like a massive badass.
"You're gonna go in there, and you're gonna tell
Christine..."
"You're gonna make it SO palpable that Christine's gonna
be like, crap, that's it."
"I'm done."
And leave it to Cochran, of course, to see right through the bullshit.
I absolutely love the way that he deadpans this.
"Well I don't
know how well I can pull off the whole, like, "I'm
indestructible, so you better be shaking in your boots you stupid
bitch."
Cochran lets this image float out in the air for a few seconds, and
then Dawn laughs at how ridiculous it sounds coming out of his mouth.
And just like that, hey guess what? Ozzy changes his mind
and he volunteers to be voted out instead.
Yeah I guess Cochran wasn't quite ready to be Jean-Claude
Van Damme
And with that, the reign of the dread Christine finally
comes to an end.
This is not the last time that someone will be giving
Cochran the finger this season
Now, a few things to say about this scene.
First off, again, if you don't appreciate South Pacific, please do
me a favor and give it another chance. It has some really
goofy
subplots going on in it.
Note that we haven't even talked about Stacey yet
Secondly,
I have to share this quote from one of my longtime readers.
This
pretty much sums up anything I would have wanted to say about this
entry.
"My
mom can't stand Survivor. She never watches it, she doesn't
remember it, she can't even name any of the players if I ask her.
But I do remember one time she was walking by the room when I
was
watching it, and a scene made her laugh. It was in South
Pacific
when Cochran wondered how he would be able to go to Redemption Island
and tell Christine that you better shut up, you stupid bitch.
Those words coming out of that nerd's mouth just made her
start
giggling. I don't even know if she knew that I heard her.
She completely lost it when she heard that."
Oh, and what's the third thing I wanted to say about this
scene?
Well I hope you are ready for this, because this is the real reason I
wanted to make this an entry.
Did
you realize that if you take something that is inappropriate, and you
plaster it on a meme about John Cochran, it is always funny?
Check it out, this is a little game that I figured out a long
time ago.
Yeah we already did this one
But what about this one?
Or you could do something like this
"Inappropriate Cochran" is a game that we have been
playing in my favorite Facebook group (Zoe's Lobster Shack) for a
couple of years now. The goal is to make a meme of the most
inappropriate thing for Cochran to say. The dirtier and/or
the
more unlikely coming out of his mouth, the better. Of
course,
this was all inspired by Cochran's famous conversation with Ozzy where
he wonders how he is going to verbally bitchslap Christine.
But
if you want to laugh really hard at something Survivor related, and you
are not drinking soda or anything that might come flying out of your
nose, please click on the following page and enjoy the collection of
the greatest twisted minds of the funniest Survivor Facebook group.
So here you go. Click on this if you want to laugh for a
while: The
Best of Inappropriate Cochran. And feel free to email me if you
come up with any other funny ones.
P.S. Want a good laugh? Here is how Cochran himself
described this scene in
a recent AMA that he did over on Reddit:
"It
was unanimously decided that I could go through puberty on Redemption
Island."
P.P.S. Oh, you knew it was coming.
Inspired
by his majestic water entrance, here is your John Cochran Moment of Zen.
** Thanks to Cory Gage
for the Brad Culpepper picture **
