The Funny 115 - The Third One

#95. Inappropriate Cochran
South Pacific - episode 7

It's day seventeen of Survivor: South Pacific, and the Savaii tribe is facing a big problem.

What is this big problem?

Actually no.  Not that.  That's mean.  

The problem that the Savaiis are facing is this woman.

You see, Christine has been on Redemption Island for more than two weeks, and she keeps winning every carnival game duel that the producers have been throwing at her.  Day after day, episode after episode, no matter who shows up on Redemption Island, Christine will wind up kicking their butt.  Then they go home, and the fearsome Christine lives on to fight another day.

The latest victim was the previously unstoppable Mikayla

See you later, Mikayla.

Buh bye now.  Take care.

Christine has been in five carnival games duels so far, and she has won every single one of them.  One more, and she is probably going to come back into the game.

And for a strategist like Ozzy on Savaii, this is a big problem.

Ozzy and Cochran watch Christine defeat Mikayla


Why is Ozzy so worried about Christine coming back into the game?

Well because Christine is an Upolu, of course.  She was originally a member of the enemy tribe.  And the minute she comes back into the game, Ozzy is worried she will join right back up with her old friends, and she will give them the numbers.  And at that point the Savaiis are going to be toast.

Ozzy bleeds red for his beloved Savaiis, and he always will

Ozzy spends hours agonizing over the problem he can see coming down the road, and what the best way would be to defeat it.   Because, remember, this is only the second season that has ever featured Redemption Island.  The players have no idea how they are supposed to work around it yet.  So Ozzy spends hours and hours racking his brain, and trying to come up with a solution.

I wonder, how can skateboarding solve this problem?

And then, finally, he comes up with an idea that is outside the box.

"People are thinking that the merge is coming after the next challenge"

"So it might be worthwhile for us to send somebody to Redemption that can beat Christine, come back in the game, and even out the numbers."

Ozzy pulls Cochran aside on the way back to camp, and he proposes his solution to the Christine issue.

"If we don't win the next challenge, we're gonna have to send someone to Redemption."

"We have to send someone we KNOW is gonna beat her, that way we can get our numbers back."

In other words, not you, nerd.

And fucking put that collar down, would you?

And this is where Ozzy reveals his master plan.

I'll volunteer to go if I have to.

Yes, Ozzy.  The most successful challenge dominator in the first twenty two seasons of Survivor.  

Volunteering to be voted out just so he can beat Christine.  

Taking a sword just so he can outsmart Redemption Island.

Nothing like this had ever been done before in the history of Survivor.

Without question, this is a big move.

So Ozzy's plan is now set in motion.  If Savaii loses the next challenge, he will volunteer to be voted out, just so he can kick the shit out of Christine.  Then Ozzy can come back into the game, Savaii will have the numbers, all will be right in the world, and a Savaii will be the winner of South Pacific.  And hopefully that winner will be Ozzy.

It will be his greatest achievement since that time he backdoored Lindsey Lohan

Okay, so the stage is set for Ozzy's triumph.  

All the pieces in place.

Except... for one minor variable... that Ozzy forgot to take into account.

Yes.  That guy.

Yeah, so here is the problem.  

Cochran is still on Ozzy's tribe.  

And Ozzy still hates Cochran with the passion of a thousand suns.

"See, I'm pretty much the opposite of skateboarding."

Savaii goes to the next immunity challenge, and they lose.  Not because they are a worse tribe or anything, but because Cochran is a spaz, and because he forgets to tie an anchor during the challenge.

Upolu wins, thanks to Cochran

The agony of defeat

Ozzy is frustrated because they actually had a chance to win this challenge.   He can't believe that Cochran blew it for them.


You see, Ozzy HATES losing.  He especially hates losing to that douchebag Coach.  

"Who's the man?  I'm the man!  Jesus loves my tribe the best, let's all take a knee!"

What's even worse is that, not only does Savaii lose immunity, they also lose the chance to see the movie Jack and Jill.  And as we all know, Jack and Jill wound up winning like eleven Academy Awards.  So that was a blow.

Upolu?  Are you prepared to see greatness?  It's got Adam Sandler.

Yay!  Jack and Jill!



So Savaii goes back to camp.  

They are sad and they get no Adam Sandler tonight.  

And this is where Ozzy decides to change his brilliant plan.

Hey nerd, what was your name again?

John.  My name is John.

Well you lost it for us.  You wound up costing us the win.

I feel horrible.  I should be held accountable.

Yeah, funny you should say that...

Cochran feels bad that he screwed up the challenge.  He feels guilty that he cost his tribe a chance to see one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our lifetime.  So he volunteers to be voted out, and to go to Redemption Island instead of Ozzy.  He volunteers to be the sacrificial lamb who is going to go on and take on the dreaded Christine, and save the game for the Savaiis.

Ozzy, of course, sees no problem with this.  

Yeah, I do think he should go.  Also, fuck him.

And thus begins one of the goofier scenes I have ever seen on Survivor.  

Seriously, I know that a lot of people don't like South Pacific.  I know that a lot of people think it is an especially mean spirited season, or that is so religious that it winds up being offensive.

But I don't know how anyone can hate a season that features this next little scene, where the Savaiis SIT AROUND THE CAMPFIRE AND TRY TO CONVINCE COCHRAN THAT HE IS THIS MASSIVE BADASS.

Eats pieces of shit like Christine for breakfast

I mean, come on.  This is a scene that was MADE for the Funny 115.  This is one of the reasons that South Pacific is my second favorite season out of all the seasons on this countdown (behind only Worlds Apart).  It is all because of scenes like this, where the Savaiis try to pep talk Cochran into believing he is The Terminator.

Behold.  And enjoy.

"Cochran, this is your chance to redeem yourself."

"We ALL believe you can do it."

Keith:  "YOU have to believe you can do it.  That's the key."

"But you gotta believe in yourself, man."

"You know, I appreciate the words of encouragement."

"It's not words of encouragement.  It's the idea of redemption."

"It literally is.  It's time to redeem."

This is where the heroic music starts to swell.  

This is where America the Beautiful starts playing in the background.

This is where the legend of John Cochran, the Butcher of Bakersfield, is about to be born.

You just gotta go in there, and you gotta make a name for yourself.

"Feel it in your heart.  You can WIN, man.  You're a WARRIOR."

The thing that I love about this scene that is Cochran himself has no illusions that he is any sort of a warrior.  He knows full well that he is a huge dork, and that they are only buttering him up so he feels okay about being voted out.  

This is where the editors jump back and forth between the Savaiis giving Cochran the "You are a warrior!" speech, and Cochran giving a confessional about "No I'm not, what the fuck are they talking about?"  I love when the producers undercut a scene by including a mocking confessional like this.  That's why this is one of the greatest scenes in South Pacific.

You're a KILLER, man!  You'll destroy her!

"Instead of sending Ozzy, the Trojan Horse, we're sending me, the Court Jester."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, apart from a funny little dance, or shake my hands around in a comical manner."

"It's not gonna win the challenge.  And it's not gonna get that many laughs.  So I don't know what they're hoping for."

Back to the big hero speech.

"You can beat her at everything that I've seen played or heard of played.  And everything we can anticipate."

"Really.  Don't be afraid.  You've gotta push fear out."

Fear does not exist in this dojo, young sensei.

Back to Cochran mocking the shit out of this.

"Everybody was on board with voting me off."

"And what made it worse was that they had this kind of weird kumbaya rationale for voting me off."

Do it for US.  Do it for all of us.

"I don't NEED to be a hero at Redemption Island.   I don't need to be the person that saves my tribe."

"I don't need to shine right now.  I don't need to shine at all."

And this is where we come to the moment that, when I saw it, I immediately said, "okay, I'm going to write about that on the Funny 115 one day."   This one was a slam dunk for this list from the moment I saw it.

Ozzy tries to explain to Cochran how to walk in, and act like a massive badass.

"You're gonna go in there, and you're gonna tell Christine..."

"You're gonna make it SO palpable that Christine's gonna be like, crap, that's it."

"I'm done."

And leave it to Cochran, of course, to see right through the bullshit.  

I absolutely love the way that he deadpans this.

"Well I don't know how well I can pull off the whole, like, "I'm indestructible, so you better be shaking in your boots you stupid bitch."

Cochran lets this image float out in the air for a few seconds, and then Dawn laughs at how ridiculous it sounds coming out of his mouth.

And just like that, hey guess what?   Ozzy changes his mind and he volunteers to be voted out instead.

Yeah I guess Cochran wasn't quite ready to be Jean-Claude Van Damme

And with that, the reign of the dread Christine finally comes to an end.

This is not the last time that someone will be giving Cochran the finger this season

Now, a few things to say about this scene.

First off, again, if you don't appreciate South Pacific, please do me a favor and give it another chance.  It has some really goofy subplots going on in it.

Note that we haven't even talked about Stacey yet

Secondly, I have to share this quote from one of my longtime readers.  This pretty much sums up anything I would have wanted to say about this entry.

"My mom can't stand Survivor.  She never watches it, she doesn't remember it, she can't even name any of the players if I ask her.  But I do remember one time she was walking by the room when I was watching it, and a scene made her laugh.  It was in South Pacific when Cochran wondered how he would be able to go to Redemption Island and tell Christine that you better shut up, you stupid bitch.  Those words coming out of that nerd's mouth just made her start giggling.  I don't even know if she knew that I heard her.  She completely lost it when she heard that."

Oh, and what's the third thing I wanted to say about this scene?  

Well I hope you are ready for this, because this is the real reason I wanted to make this an entry.  

Did you realize that if you take something that is inappropriate, and you plaster it on a meme about John Cochran, it is always funny?  Check it out, this is a little game that I figured out a long time ago.

Yeah we already did this one

But what about this one?

Or you could do something like this

"Inappropriate Cochran" is a game that we have been playing in my favorite Facebook group (Zoe's Lobster Shack) for a couple of years now.  The goal is to make a meme of the most inappropriate thing for Cochran to say.  The dirtier and/or the more unlikely coming out of his mouth, the better.   Of course, this was all inspired by Cochran's famous conversation with Ozzy where he wonders how he is going to verbally bitchslap Christine.  But if you want to laugh really hard at something Survivor related, and you are not drinking soda or anything that might come flying out of your nose, please click on the following page and enjoy the collection of the greatest twisted minds of the funniest Survivor Facebook group.  

So here you go.  Click on this if you want to laugh for a while:  The Best of Inappropriate Cochran.  And feel free to email me if you come up with any other funny ones.

P.S.  Want a good laugh?  Here is how Cochran himself described this scene in a recent AMA that he did over on Reddit:  

"It was unanimously decided that I could go through puberty on Redemption Island."

P.P.S.  Oh, you knew it was coming.  Inspired by his majestic water entrance, here is your John Cochran Moment of Zen.

** Thanks to Cory Gage for the Brad Culpepper picture **

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